Fiance left to see what else is out there

[Chrisanderson]

Hello.

I'm new to this forum but I just need some advice on how to deal with my current situation.

 

Ok, here goes:

My gf of 5 years left me saying she needs her space. We all know that when a girl says she needs her space 9 time out of 10 it means that she wants to see someone else. I asked her if she had another guy in mind and she said no not at all. Yes, our relationship had its ups and downs as all do but there was no big event that caused this. Anyway she says that she's been with me for so long that she doesn't know what it feels like to go to a movie or dinner with another guy. We've been together since we were 17; we're both 22 now. I understand what she's saying but I just don't agree. If you love someone, why would you feel the need to see what else is out there?

 

To add insult to injury we were in the process of planning our wedding. We planned on going to look @ rings in the coming weeks. She was also going to look for her dress and her bridesmaids dresses. Even the day before she asked that we take a break, she was talking about the wedding. I'm crushed, my family is crushed, her family is crushed.

 

So in the beginning I tried to rationalize things with her but I found out quickly that I would get nowhere. I would call her and almost plead with her to see what she was ruining but I could tell that it was only getting her more and more aggravated with me. I've been best friends with this girl for 8 years, since we were freshmen in highschool so I know (or atleast thought I knew) what she would and wouldn't do in any given situation.

 

So I come to find out that she's been seeing another guy. Supposedly he has lots of money and has been taking her to fancy places and showing her a good time. She didn't admit it to me at 1st but came clean and told me everything. She says that she met him 6 months ago and at 1st she would decline his offers and it wasn't only until AFTER she requested her space from me that she began to see him. I'm having a hard time believing that. But anyway, after she told me all of that I just told her I wish her the best and I hope she finds what she's looking for. I really should have told her to F off but I just love her too much to be mean to her. She then said "If it doesn't work with him then I know that I went looking for something that wasn't there and I'll apologize to you and ask if we can go forward." I didn’t say anything. So after that the conversation ended. The next day she invited me over for dinner. I went but now regret it. She treated me like I was just a "friend". After we ate we sat on the couch but she sat on the opposite side of the couch, almost like she was uncomfortable. When I saw that she seemed uneasy I thanked her for the food and then left. That was one week ago. Haven’t spoken with her since.

 

I'm hurting really bad! I was good to this girl, never abused her, never treated her wrong, I always lifted her up and encouraged her. I've known her for 8 years and it's like it all means nothing now. All the good times, all the bad times, all the struggles, and she just throws it away. Now she's having the time of her life with this guy while I sit here in pain. I wouldn't even wish this kind of pain on her... She told me she kissed him and although it felt weird, in her heart she knew that that's what she needed. She's so adamant about "needing" to see what else is out there. It's so crazy. This is the same person who picked out our children's names, same person who picked out the color scheme of our living room, dining room and bedroom for when we got married. This is the same person who suggested that we start buying silverware now so that we'd have things in order for when we got married and moved in together. Does she not feel the same pain? She put just as much work in this relationship as I have.

 

I sit here questioning. If she came back saying that it didn't work out with him whether 2 weeks, 2 months, 6 months from now, would I, should I take her back? I love this girl with all my heart and I know that at one point she loved me the same way. This girl would do anything for me but I'm guessing that it all faded. This pain is almost unbearable. Right now I'm focusing on building myself up again. But I wish that she'd come back. Although I could forgive her, I know that I'd have major trust issues. But at the same time, if I start over, I'd have major trust issues with the next person as well. I'm in a losing situation. That’s why I figure that I would probably be better taking her back (if she even ever came back) because atleast I know her and atleast I know that she got her little need to stray out of her system. It's probably better that I just don’t' even think of her coming back so that way I have no expectations. Any thoughts?

[rtoycrow]

My ex is the same way. She told me she needed her space and there was no other guy. Now not even two months after we broke up she is dating someone else. I am 28 she is 19 so i know she wants to live life but i know how you feel. The way i look at it is we were moving very fast and i probably would have been engaged in a couple of years so it really opened my eyes. It is better for this to happen now then if yall were to get married and she do it several years down the road. I think she will come back to you because you have a strong connection with each other. She will realize this. She probably wants to make sure that this is what she wants to be with you and dating other people will show her.

[needhimso]

I do feel your pain. I've known my ex just as long, we were best friends, and we were talking about marriage. He too just decided he wanted a "break," and now 3 months later he's been with some girl he doesn't even know for a month. It too seemed like he felt he "needed" to do this. I understand to some extent I suppose, but I've given up trying to make sense of it.

 

I'm in your exact position, so I don't have any advice really. I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I just know I'm not going to talk to him for a while since there's someone else in the picture. Maybe without me around all the time he'll realize he made a mistake, and it's just too painful to sit back and watch him fall or someone else....or whatever he's doing.

[riley123]

Chris,

 

I feel for you, man. Our stories our very similar. My GF of 8 years (dated since she was a freshman in HS) left because she felt it was ridiculous to plan a life with the only guy she’s ever known.

 

It was a long breakup. It took me a ton of time to even accept it and we finally ended it in January. Only now, do I realize just how important it was that we did that for BOTH of us.

 

I have no crystal ball – I have no idea what she’s up to or if she’s with someone new. And I have no clue what will happen in the future.

 

But what I do know is if you truly care about this girl and love her, then let her go. Yes, it is hard as hell to say goodbye to a best friend and lover, but its something that we all deal with at some point or another.

 

My advice is to disappear from her life. Don’t call her or e-mail her, don’t accept dinner invitations because like you said, everything will be different. She does need time and space to reflect on what she wants.

 

I know you’re scared that she won’t come back. And I’m not going to lie to you because there is a very real possibility that she won’t. But don’t focus on that right now. Focus on yourself. Get your mind off of her – go to the gym more, spend time with your family and your friends, etc. Just worry about yourself.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Chris!!! Welcome to the forums!! SO SORRY for what's brought you here.

 

Its a very difficult and painful thing but sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. I guess I strongly suggest that you go into No Contact for a long stretch. Just move away from even communication for a while so you can back away enough to get some clarity.

 

You're both young. That's the main reason this is happening. I'm not saying these things are exclusive to young people, I'm just saying that that in her mind, this is the time to do it. To experiment. To experience.

 

I'm with you. I don't get why the need is there when you've got it al figured out, but apparently she hasn't.... got it all figured out.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling crappy. Just give yourself some space and time.... And keep posting!! There are seriously some really great people out here!!

[riley123]

By the way, here's my story in full in you are interested:

 

 

[BrokenDuc]

gosh so many instances ive read here, when girls ask for breaks they seem to end up seeing another guy within a month... happened to me too...

[tangi39]

Hi Chris.

 

I'm very sorry this happened to you.

People don't usually give that speech unless they have another conquest in mind.

 

Personally, this guy will most likely not measure up.

Leaving a relationship for someone else is a LOT like leaving one job for another. When it first starts, you only see the positives and everything seems perfect or better. But then over time you realize that this job has its problems too, sometimes worse than the one you left it for.

 

The good news is -

This happened BEFORE you got married

 

AND

 

At least she was honest with you and didn't just cheat on you behind your back.

 

However, she DOES need to understand, that even if you DO decide to take her back things won't just revert to how they were before.

You should not plan to get married. She is going to need to apologize and show you that you can trust her. She is going to need to earn it back.

And I think you should start as friends.

 

I think maybe you should date someone else in the meantime, just to let her know that you won't just sit around to be her "backup" in case her relationship with this guy doesn't work out.

 

Either way, make sure you put yourself first here. Don't just be a pawn in her game. Do what you think is best for you.

And as I said, if in the end you DO decide to reconcile- She is gonna have some work to do. Don't just let her waltz back in and act like nothing happened.

Take care of yourself and know that we are here for you.

[Chrisanderson]

Wow! Thanks for all of the support guys!

 

Being that it has been 1 month since it happened I have my good times and bad times. Tight now is a bad time. I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel so deserted. How could my best friend do this to me? Just sucks. Luckily I haven't felt the urge to call her. I know she's having the time of her life and I know that me calling her will only make the situation worse. She’ll probably make it seem like I’m bugging her and interrupting her fun which would make me feel like crap all over again. I rationalize it like this: I'm not perfect, she wasn't perfect, but we were a GREAT match. If she doesn't see it anymore or feels like she's missing out then that's her fault. This is the same girl who just 1 month ago told me that if I ever cheated on her she'd take me back because she loves me so much. Same girl who told me 10 days before the breakup that she couldn’t wait to get married and live the "married life". Words are SOOOO cheap. I must admit, the relationship got boring at times but then what relationship doesn't? It can't be fresh all the time. She can't expect to feel that spark all the time. I sure haven't been feeling all happy-go-lucky in our relationship but I saw past that. I saw the big picture! I've been saving money like crazy to get her a nice ring, so we could have a nice honeymoon, so we could get a nice place and she just neglected to see it. Oh well. I feel that I did my part. Again I wasn't perfect but no one is. With that said, I know that I can improve on certain things and I'm working on turning them around now.

 

No more self pity! I have to move on from this. If she realizes the grass isn't greener and comes back, I guess I'll have a decision to make. Until then I have to think that maybe the grass IS greener for her and if I truly love her then I have to be happy for her. As much as it hurts to think about her kissing another guy or being held by another guy, I have to accept it as FACT. It is what it is... My heart tells me that I'd take her back because I love her UNCONDITIONALLY. I know that if she came down with cancer or got into a bad accident I’d stick by her side no matter what! That's what unconditional love is. Guess she didn't have true unconditional love the way she said she did. Right now I'm expecting the worse and hoping for the best. I'm preparing myself to hear that she's madly in love with this guy, is having his child, and they are getting married in two weeks! If I can come to accept that then there's no way I can hurt anymore. I know it will take time but eventually I'll be ok with whatever the outcome is because I HAVE to be ok with it.

[Little Blue Ant]

Hey man, I'm sorry you're going through what you are. I was with my fiance for 5 years when 6 months ago she dropped the ball on me that she wanted to "be alone". 3 weeks later, she was already seeing a guy she met in her class earlier in the year. It happens, it sucks, but it happens.

 

So here I am, 6 months to the DAY later and I'm feeling great. There's still moments of sadness, as I do miss what we had and our future we planned together. Otherwise, I'm doing great. Wanna know the secret?

 

...

 

accept it. plain and simple, just accept her feelings, her actions, and the break up. Stop rationalizing, analyzing, etc... What's done is done, and its time to move on with your life with or without her. Assume that this decision was made by the both of you and take responsibility for it, by moving on with your life. You're gonna have a whole lot of emotions like you are, and thats fine, just don't let them take over your life. It may help to do NC or LC for a while to settle your feelings, that's up to you.

 

When I started doing this for about a month, my life became much better. I was able to accept the past and live in the present moment, and told her I forgive her for everything. We are still friends, certainly not as close as we used to be, but we are.

 

So anyway, my advice would just be to take your time, give her her time, and accept what happened and move on - with or without her in your life. DO NOT WAIT for her to come back to you. My response to her saying she'd move forward with your if she doesn't work with the new guy would have been along the lines of "I can't grantee that I can do that".

 

Anyway, good luck man, keep your head up and know that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Oh yeah, just FYI, I have met someone new (relatively speaking) and I'm taking things sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. No point in rushing in to anything. Take some time off. You're young, and these years are some of the most exciting times. Being single isn't such a bad thing

[lovedlost]

Hey Chris. I agree with the last comment, and respect how you are handling the situation. Everyone has a story, and my eyes were wide when I read yours because we have the same situation. It's coming on a year that my fiancee decided to end things with me. We dated almost 9 years, i was a freshman in college and he was just graduating when we met. He was my first everything, and I started to get bored at times, but knew that there was no one else more perfect to spend the rest of my life with.

 

He felt the same, and he was the most loving boyfriend/fiancee. We were bestfriends, talked about everything, was planning a wedding, looking for houses, and then one day he told me he needed space to figure things out. i was clueless because we never had an argument, still was attracted to eachother, everything.... He stopped calling me, and just ended 9 years in what felt like 9 seconds. i kept calling him, trying to get answers, and i got nothing. he was distant, cold, and much unlike the relationship we've had for so long.

 

Anyway, i ended up discovering there was another person involved. he didn't admit to it, until i had proof. then he came clean (sort of), and i've been dealing with it ever since. it's been almost a year, and it still hurts like hell sometimes. I'm not gonna lie to you, Chris. The pain comes and goes. I haven't confronted him in this whole year, but bumped into him with his new girl one day.

 

My advice is to keep doing what you're doing, and like everyone else said, accept it. I'm still trying to do that, and pray that i can one day forgive him. I'm doing things that uplift me for myself, and so i will be that much prepared and developed for my next relationship. do all the things you stopped doing when you were with her. don't be afraid to talk about things with people.

 

I'm guessing that they wanted to explore what was out there before taking such a big leap, like marriage, but didn't know the best way to go about it. my ex claimed he did nothing with the girl until after he broke it off with me, but like you, i don't trust that to be true. so, the only thing you can do is move on, and know that your true wife is out there waiting for you.

[Chrisanderson]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Can you please give more details about how you handled communication with her? Did you try the begging thing or did you just accept it? Also why did you decide to be friends with her instead of severing all ties? Does she talk to you about her new relationship?

Thanks

[Chrisanderson]

Morning All!

 

For the 1st time since the breakup I woke up crying. It was so weird. Maybe this is part of me going thru the "mourning stage"??? I miss her tons. I kinda have the urge to break NC but I know if I do it'll only set me back. It has been 8 days since I've talked to her. It's amazing that we've never missed a 1 day in the last 7 years and now we go 8 days... This really sucks

[Chrisanderson]

Well my ex sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday. Guess it really doesn't mean much. Vowed to myself that I'll let this birthday be a start to a new life. I'm tired of sulking. It hurts so badly that she left but at the end of the day I'm not trash and I didnt deserve to be thrown away. I gave her my heart and now I'm plan b. Sucks man. Her saying that if the grass isn't greener she'll be back is really a slap in the face. It's so funny how these emotions run through me. One day I'm dying to hear from her, the next I feel so disrespected. Is someone who is so willing to throw my love, our past, our good times, our memories and our plans for the future deserving of my time now? I spend every waking hour thinking about this situation. She threw away 5 years of our life and now that she's done with me I'm still allowing her to take more of my time. I will continue NC to heal and in hopes that she realizes her loss and comes back as her OLD SELF. If not I have no choice to just keep moving forward. I still don't think I'll find anyone better than her OLD SELF; but then again that person no longer exists.

Good luck to all the heartbroken people out there!

[Ellie2006]

The emotional rollercoaster is a common experience, post-break-up; I think the trick is to deal with each moment as it hits you, rather than trying to avoid it because each emotion has its value and needs to be released. In the meantime, it also helps to hang out with friends and do other activities to keep your mind occupied and away from the ex and the break-up.

 

Take care of yourself and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[Zorba]

It sounds like so many stories on this site. She was treading water in the relationship. You had moved well beyond the honeymoon period and she met someone else, or at least suddenly became open to the idea that a someone else was possible.

 

It's a rebound. That's for sure. How will that go? Who knows. I've seen rebounds last years. They nearly always go downhill though. Even if they're a great relationship people tend to romanticise the old relationship and suffer from the "what ifs", rather that what is.

 

My advice like others here is that you were lucky it happened now and not later when you were married or had kids.

 

Accept what you had is now gone and move on from that. Even if she comes back tomorrow full of regret and sorrow and wants marriage, what you had as a couple is gone. If she did do that and you tried to continue on as before it would probably fail. Mainly because you would be trying to live a relationship that doesn't really exist any more and that would come back to bite you. You can't start a new fire with old coals.

 

Try to move on for yourself. Try to open yourself up to more possibilites that are out there. It will take time, but it's worth it.

 

When you get to that point you will meet someone, or several someones and it may even be your ex, but at that point it will be a new you and a new relationship.

[Mustang]

gosh so many instances ive read here, when girls ask for breaks they seem to end up seeing another guy within a month... happened to me too...

 

Yes indeed. My ex didn't even bother to tell me she wanted a break until I pushed and pushed her to tell me what the hell was going on. There were a few photos of her and this guy looking couple-y on Facebook which I reacted badly to.

 

She ignored me for a few days and then eventually said "That was the final straw....I....uh.....think....we.....uh....should.....maybe....have a break uh.... for a bit".

 

A week later, I called her again and she dumped me. Again, only because I forced her. On the same day, I see pictures of her holding hands with the same guy from a few days previous.

 

Often, I think girls call a break as a way of softening the blow. It lets them "test" out someone else without guilt.

[Chrisanderson]

Thanks for your insight Zorba. Regarding the rebound I have one BIG fear. My ex has always had the desire to get married early. lol, I recall one time when we were 19 that she was dropping hints left and right. When I asked her why she was talking about marriage so much, she said her parents were married @ 19 and she didn't want to wait forever. I was like, "woah woah woah, I'm not getting married until we're both done with college." She was pissed but went with the flow. 3 years later we're planning our wedding (Which by the way she was overly EXCITED about) and she leaves.

 

I would say that our "honeymoon stage" lasted for about 2 1/2 years as we just kept learning more and more about each other. It was truly an amazing thing. Things started going down a bit when she took a job in another city. We would only get to spend maybe one day a week and the weekends together and while they were always great there was that strain of not seeing each other as often as we used to. We both concluded that when we got married we'd see each other much more and we'd reconnect again. This was about a year and a half ago and it's evident that maybe she feels like she should have that "Honeymoon stage" feeling when she gets married. I'm making an assumption here but I think that's what it is. So with that said, if that guy she's with is willing to get married now, my chances are screwed. She's probably head over heals now and there's really nothing I can do about it. It's just so crazy how just weeks before she dumped me she was going to to get my name tattooed on her but I advised her against it as I thought it may have jinxed things. Now I kinda wish I did let her do it haha.

 

Anyway, this morning I get a call @ 8:20a. It was my ex but I didn't answer because I was still sleeping and didn't want to say anything dumb. She left a message saying "I was just calling to see how you are doing, give me a call before 9:00a or if not we'll talk another time". Hearing her voice made me melt. I love her like crazy and all the thoughts/ feelings came back. I didn't call her back because for one I'm pretty sure she's still seeing that other guy and two I don't want to mess up my NC on a "catching up" call. On NC day 13 btw

[Chrisanderson]

Well, I've been feeling much better. What a difference a couple weeks makes. I remember lying in my bed curled up like a little kid. I remember the thought of my ex, her name, our memories running thru my head every waking second. I remember not being able to eat anything but a few crackers and a couple glasses of juice for days. I remember holding onto my phone, keeping it by my side, checking the caller id screen every minute to see if I had a missed call, constantly making sure that I had it on the ringer and not on silent. I remember sitting at my desk on second and the next thing I know I'm sobbing out of nowhere. I remember talking to my mom, my brother, other family members asking for advice... Nothing they could say would stop the pain. Every time I talked to my ex I would hang onto every word and overanalyze things. It only made my situation 10xs worse. Then I found the forums and went NC. 1 week went by, no call from her. Then she calls and leaves a vm about wanting to "catch up". I never called her back. Her voice sounded so sweet. It brought back so many memories and I wanted to call back so BADLY but I didn't. Came to the conclusion that thinking, worrying, analyzing would do nothing. She's with someone else now and FOR THE TIME BEING his newness is nothing I can compete with. I could offer her the world but that newness she's experiencing can't be replaced... A few more days go by and I'm feeling much better. Not saying I was over her but I realized that I don't need her in my life the way I thought I did. I'm breathing, moving, eating, LIVING just fine without her.

 

So yesterday she calls. I decide that I can handle the call and I answered. We spoke, laughed, joked, she asked if I was happy and I could honestly reply that yes, I was happy. She told me that she missed me, missed the time we'd spend, and said that she thinks of me often. But then she told me she's having the time of her life. Told me that she's talking a trip overseas (which I'm assuming she's taking her new guy). That killed me because that something WE were supposed to do together. That's what WE had planned since we were in highschool. But then again WE are no longer WE so there's nothing I can do about it. Felt like a HUGE slap in the face though. Seems like her relationship is going FAST. Like they say, the faster they go the faster the fail. But I'm not counting on that. I want her back but I also want her to be happy. If she's happy now then why should I stop that? Well even if I wanted to stop it I can't. It was (in my opinion) very selfish of her to leave me to "have a blast" but at the same time, it is human nature to look out for ourselves. Too bad my parents didn't raise me that way. So that's that. As of right now, my ex and I are DONE. That's all there is to it. Sucks to say but I guess all I have are the memories and those memories were GREAT. But the past is in the past. Can't look back, only forward.

[rtoycrow]

For the time being that is all you can do. Look forward. I am doing the same thing right now. My ex is still with her new man and while some things look promising i can't dwell on them hoping they break up. For now all i can do is just go out and have a good time with my friends. Just keep doing like you said and keep it moving forward. If it is meant to be she will be back. Money isn't everything because i am pretty well off and that didn't help me when it came to my ex splitting with me. Just remember you have a certain connection with her that nobody can replace. Same with my ex. I got a feeling after this honeymoon stage is over she will snap back to reality and realize she made a mistake. If she doesn't it wasn't meant to be and you are probably better off without her.

[tangi39]

 

Felt like a HUGE slap in the face though. Seems like her relationship is going FAST. Like they say, the faster they go the faster the fail. But I'm not counting on that. .

 

It is. It really is. And yes, it most likely WILL fail. I would count on it actually. She's having the time of her life while he's trying to court her, but once the reality hits it will be a different story.

I wouldn't talk to her anymore personally. She's made her choice.

I think it really rude and disrespectful to call and tell you how "happy" and "wonderful " she's doing- while asking you if you're "happy" - Sorry but I would have zero respect left for her if I were you- I mean, honestly, does she really have to add insult to injury ? I find it disgusting that she is trying to ease her conscience this way- I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

I think the happiness she has now is fleeting and short term.

Once the excitement of "newness" dies down, I doubt she'll still be so happy.

Just don't be there for her when the illusion fades.

Not even as a friend, I wouldn't do it.

Moving on is a wise choice. And I think you should do so entirely.

No ones deserves to get hurt and then have the perpertrator rub it in. You deserve FAR better. I would never talk to her again if I were you.

[Chrisanderson]

Good advice there.

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I feel like a push over. I think the problem with the "dumpee" is that we think too much with our hearts and not enough with out brains. I mean this person dumped me for someone else. That's practically them saying: as of right now, I don't feel you are WORTH perusing a future with. That hurts. I definitely won't be calling her. There's no reason for me to call her. She's HAPPY now. Oh boy. That really sucks. Oh well. Guess this is part of growing up. Now the question I ask is what lesson can I say I learned from this experience. I really can't think of one except don't trust anyone.

[mfurb33]

Guess this is part of growing up. Now the question I ask is what lesson can I say I learned from this experience. I really can't think of one except don't trust anyone.

 

You're about to find out who you truly are now...that's going to be what you'll learn from this experience.

[Mustang]

I really can't think of one except don't trust anyone.

 

That's one that I really hate about my ex. She's left me feeling very insecure and unable to trust anybody again. She's a selfish coward that has just run away at the expense of my feelings and she once spoon fed me a tub of BS about how she loved me, wanted to be with me forever, blah blah blah. Then when she got to uni and some new guy comes along... she runs off and treats me like something she's stepped in.

 

I am a combination of being angry and upset. She just doesn't have a soul.

 

But once everything settles down I will be able to look back and know that whilst I made mistakes in the relationship, I learnt lessons about myself and how I'd do things differently in the future. Plus I know that I did everything I could to try and make things work with my ex. She just bed-hopped and hopefully one day she might realise how patient and caring I was to her even when she treated me like {edit}. Deep down, I'd love for her to come back begging one day so I can tell her to {edit). Right. Off.

[loveyourself5]

This is usually the big question. There is no doubt about the fact that if your significant other tells you they want out (specially if it happens out of nowhere and it hits you like a bomb, specially when there were no signs of what was coming) that indeed there is someone else getting their attention. I figured no matter how bad things were with my ex he wouldn't have decided to take such a drastic decision after 7yrs of being together if there weren't someone there to pick up the pieces.