tangi39 Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 that being said, stick up for yourself. it can be as easy as putting a smile on around others but lay it down to him in private. let him know you're a bigger man than him and you know how to pay bills. remind him that you're a provider now, not just "the boyfriend!" I really don't think this is a smart choice. All that will get him is yelled at by everyone for causing friction, making the children uncomfortable and a possible sock in the jaw. Hvzgg- That's the problem though- They aren't officially divorced yet- in her husband's mind she shouldn't even have a boyfriend right now. Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable if you weren't officially divorced and your spouse was already living with someone else ? I know I would -and the last thing I would want would be that person telling me off. I'd probably punch her if it was me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrueBrit Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 Update: So I have been brooding over which way to take this… earlier this afternoon I decided to take the bull by the horns and talk to her about this issue…. I asked her why after saying he would HE WOULD STAY IN THE CAR WHEN PICKING UP THE KIDS - its never happened. She stated that she thought it was ridiculous so it never even started. She proceeded to tell me that he just wishes that we could all get along. He misses the kids and would like to swing by our house each night play with the kids and take a swim in the lake we live on. God I was pi**ed. Then she said she didn’t want to talk about it now – talk about bury your head in the sand! I asked her when we would talk and she wouldn’t state when…. So I carried on. Told her that unless she stood up to him and told him NO more. He would never leave us alone. She tried to tell me I just don’t understand him, he’s lonely and wants to hang out with us. …. Just now I tried to revitalize the conversation she won’t engage. Says she sick of me and my petty BS but refuses to move out, ( has enrolled the kids in this new school district for next year). She doesn’t need the stress from me in her life. I now realize is that I come second, he does what he wants, she won’t stand up to him. In fact she even takes his side to try and get what they want from me. I stated that we have just moved the BS from her house that they owned together, to our house. All I wanted was a chance to settle down and learn to live with each other alone. Could it be more plain what she wants….? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted June 11, 2008 Share Posted June 11, 2008 So - what are you going to do now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrueBrit Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 Take some time.... Work out what I need for me and my kids, I think if Im honest this clearly is not it. While I thought we could work out all the cr*p once he was out of the picture, hes never going to be and wont let us even stat our lives, shes never going to let go and wants him as well. Ultimately Im kidding myself If I ever think things will ever come close to what I would consider normal. Hope I can be strong this time.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tangi39 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Take some time.... Work out what I need for me and my kids, I think if Im honest this clearly is not it. While I thought we could work out all the cr*p once he was out of the picture, hes never going to be and wont let us even stat our lives, shes never going to let go and wants him as well. Ultimately Im kidding myself If I ever think things will ever come close to what I would consider normal. Hope I can be strong this time.... I think this is the most clear headed thing you've said. You realized he's NEVER going to be "out of the picture " ever ! She's never going to cut him entirely out of her life, stop caring about him or loving him, to think otherwise is very unrealistic. And not to sound harsh, but he has every right to want to spend time with his wife and children- you may not like it, but they were never going to be all yours acting like he doesn't exist. It sounds crystal clear to me that you are being used here. She won't move on or be responsible and wants you to shoulder all her burdens for her. But then wants everything to be on her terms with no thought toward you, your needs or concerns. Then she basically says she hates living with you but refuses to leave- sorry but that screams "I'm using you to escape from my problems" The writing is on the wall here- She is living with you so she doesn't have to be an adult and deal with being a single mother. Period. I'd honestly question if she even has feelings for you. I don't blame you for being upset. But if you put yourself in a situation like that, what can you expect ? If you continue to let a person use you, they have no reason to stop. This is why it's so dangerous to live with someone or be so heavily involved before they've divorced and healed alone. There's too many issues still present for them to deal with as a family. The solution is clear- They need to move out and get their lives together. I really believe that is what is best for everyone concerned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrueBrit Posted June 12, 2008 Author Share Posted June 12, 2008 The solution is clear- They need to move out and get their lives together. I really believe that is what is best for everyone concerned. Last night when I came home she was drunk and wanted to talk. I played her at her own game. said I didnt want to talk. Shes all nicey nicey and wants to be civil about the break up. God she was even talking about me moving out, wouldnt that be convienient! I refused and she started to talk about getting a place with him. I cant believe how sick and twisted this woman has turned out to be. Its almost like she knows where sticking the knife in hurts most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tangi39 Posted June 12, 2008 Share Posted June 12, 2008 Last night when I came home she was drunk and wanted to talk. I played her at her own game. said I didnt want to talk. Shes all nicey nicey and wants to be civil about the break up. God she was even talking about me moving out, wouldnt that be convienient! I refused and she started to talk about getting a place with him. I cant believe how sick and twisted this woman has turned out to be. Its almost like she knows where sticking the knife in hurts most. PLEASE tell me you are joking ??!!!!!! Sorry, not to be impolite, but what a whack job ! She sure showed her true colors quickly ! And she talks about her husband being bad ? Sheesh. I'm sorry things turned out this way, but you are better off without this user and manipulator in your life. It's true what they say, You don't really know a person until you live with them. It just hurts when you think a person to be or want them to be better than what they really are. I'm so sorry this was the case for you, but I think you'll be happier having some stability and peace of mind in your own home. Good Luck !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 I'm really sorry to hear it! But it's better you know now then after a couple kids with her! Both she and her ex sound like they deserve one another! Let them move in together, not your problem! They are both very passive aggressive and selfish. It is RIDICULOUS to get a divorce and then expect to hang out at your ex's house every night and use the pool! She just wants a meal ticket, and to take the line of least resistance. Get her out as soon as possible, and don't give in if it is your house. Kick her to the curb and let her ex pick her up and take her off your hands. Another piece of advice, NEVER have sex with her again. She could try to get pregnant, then take you for child support while living back with her husband! she has shown herself to be mercenary, so don't fall for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Dude you need to man up! I would simply tell him this, look man Im doing YOU a favor by even letting you show up here at all. This is my place (as you are living there correct?) and you will be respectful in my house. You will not parade through my house, you will not serve yourself food/ drinks etc. you do not live here. You will treat my house, as you would treat any other house in which you were a guest and not the house owner. This means that you are allowed to see your kids, if you want to do anything else ie use the restroom, eat, etc. you ask me. Otherwise you can wait outside and not come in at all. Period, End of story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted June 13, 2008 Share Posted June 13, 2008 Take some time.... Work out what I need for me and my kids, I think if Im honest this clearly is not it. While I thought we could work out all the cr*p once he was out of the picture, hes never going to be and wont let us even stat our lives, shes never going to let go and wants him as well. Ultimately Im kidding myself If I ever think things will ever come close to what I would consider normal. Hope I can be strong this time.... I missed this before I posted last time.. I think you need to realize a few things (that is if you are even trying to work things out with her still). 1. She obviously isnt ready to move on to a real, functional relationship with you yet at this point. She seems to be still stuck on 'him' mode. 2. In an ideal world, she would handle this situation with him to your liking. However this is the real world, and personal responsibility always starts with you. So rather than wait around for someone else to fix the problem... even if that someone is your SO; you need to fix it yourself. 3. I would start of by telling her flat out that I cared about her, and understood the situation that she has kids with her ex. And I can deal with that if presented in a rational way. For example the kids spending time with him, you having to pick them up, or drop them off etc. to visit their dad... thats all within reason. However in no fantasy world that I can ever imagine does that involve me sitting down with the ex and hanging out on a nightly basis like hes my best friend. If by some miracle you guys end up becoming friends then thats fine. But for her to expect that he can just show up and hang out at your house and you guys can have some big happy triangle of drama is just insane. 4. If she does not want to talk to him, then you will. (refer to #3) 5. If you are going to be in a relationship with her, and living with her she needs to prioritize your feelings regarding this issue above that of her exes feelings. I dont care how lonely he is, thats his concern and does not have anything to do with the kids. Essentially his contact with you should be limited to, and nothing more than his contact with his kids. That should really be the only thing you have in common. Anything further than that, ie watching the game, having a cookout should be a mutual agreement between you, her, and him. Meaning, if YOU dont want him at the house... guess what? Hes not at the house. Now all that being said.... Its probably way easier, and way better for you to make a clean break from her and tell her when shes divorced and has a custody settlement in place that then you guys can talk. Until then its just too much baggage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrueBrit Posted June 16, 2008 Author Share Posted June 16, 2008 Rabican, I read this and read it. Not only do you explain the way she is but also a way forward. I decided to go with it and we talked on Friday I asked her if she just wanted to call it quites or should we talk about what the fundamental problem are. So as I said we talked. She explained that she has spoke to him not to come in the house, told me hes just being himself and does as he wishes. Her comment you know he has "No social graces." She feels that we need to be seen by her children to be getting along ~ which I agree with. So next time there is an intrusuion or he feels the need to" hang around" I'm going to take him to one side and explain. Just exactly what his boundaries are. He doesnt get to hang out, eat at our house, offer to mow the yard for me, use our coffee machine or watch TV with us. I dont need him as a friend and just because he is bored or lonely doesnt mean that he gets to show up unannounced and hang around. It seems like she has tried to put him straight, he's choosing not to listen to her and doing what suits him. It's my turn as you say to put him straight because this is the REAL world we live in. I will also explain that its in his own interest to stay away.... as his continual intrusions are causing so much stress between K and I, which in the wrost case may result in her having to move out, find a new place to live and relocate their children agiain. I know this is the last thing they want.. He can see the kids as much as he likes, pick them up and take them somewhere else!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tangi39 Posted June 16, 2008 Share Posted June 16, 2008 TruBrit, Just MHO here, but Please don't tell me you are getting sucked in again by her ??? Nothing is going to change here, I really think you are just deluding yourself thinking she will change or he will listen to you. I honestly don't see either one happening. I really think this woman is nothing but trouble and will only leave you high and dry. If you want to stay with her, that's your choice. I personally think it's a bad choice and will leave you nothing but burned. But I hope for your sake that I'm wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabican Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 TruBrit, Just MHO here, but Please don't tell me you are getting sucked in again by her ??? Nothing is going to change here, I really think you are just deluding yourself thinking she will change or he will listen to you. I honestly don't see either one happening. I really think this woman is nothing but trouble and will only leave you high and dry. If you want to stay with her, that's your choice. I personally think it's a bad choice and will leave you nothing but burned. But I hope for your sake that I'm wrong. I rather agree with you Tangi, but for the sake of argument he should stick to my above advice. Dont take this the wrong way trubrit but love crazy as it may be sometimes (and your case is kinda crazy is like a little kid playing with the stove. You can tell them not to, that they will get burned... but sometimes you gotta get burned before you realize the threat. Also sometimes... sometimes putting your foot down may turn the tide in your direction. In which case.. you will be thanking me for my spectacular advice. If you go the route of wanting to work things out, give it one more shot. Tell her, and him both how you feel (I guess you already talked to her) be firm, but polite. If he continues to cross the line, get firmer with him and knock him on his buttocks. If she crosses the line, then you need to realize that she isnt ready for you, and its time to kick her to the curb. Also remember this simple, but very true sentence: What you permit, you promote. Remember that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted June 17, 2008 Share Posted June 17, 2008 Ummm... don't tell him this part: 'I will also explain that its in his own interest to stay away.... as his continual intrusions are causing so much stress between K and I, which in the wrost case may result in her having to move out, find a new place to live and relocate their children agiain. ..' Perhaps that is EXACTLY what he wants, to break the two of you up. Many people, even if they don't want their ex, don't want anyone else to have her either. He also want care, because without you in the picture, he can hang around with her and kids all he wants. This is a clear case of 'my house, my rules.' It is your house, and he shouldn't have free run of it every day. That is just sick, the three of you (you, her, and him) are NOT married and no one hangs out that much together unless they live together or are married. You need to draw a firm line in the sand and say, here is what is ok: come pick your kids up, and drop them off. If he's lonely, he should spend time with his kids, NOT you and his ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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