r3drobin Posted June 8, 2008 Share Posted June 8, 2008 i'm a mess. i'm a mess and ive come to this site to write about it. i know this site from 2yrs ago when my life crumbled and burned. i found comfort and support here and need that desperately again. this time i'm choosing to journal rather than post in the threads as i enjoy writing my feelings and emotions down. thats not surprising as i am a total recluse in my real life and dont really talk to anyone... and when i do its certainly not about my faults/shortcomings/disappointments/guilt/self sabotage/self hate/etc... so, the things that are overwhelming me are: i binge eat i seem incapable of healthy relationships i hate myself there are so many subtitles under those topics its too much to write...but i intend to get them out. if you care to comment here please do...however dont be surprised if im hardheaded and stubborn and dont listen. but from what youve heard are you really surprised? love & light :scatter: robin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 9, 2008 Author Share Posted June 9, 2008 well its monday, i took off alot last week and its hard gettin back in the swing of things but i know i have to. i have been in such a funk for about the last 2-3 weeks and i dont know why. the time i took off from work last week wasnt legit at all...of course they think i was on deaths door but the truth is i just could not bring myself to function. anyway... my funk lately has caused me to binge terribly... i'd say every night for the past few weeks ive eaten to excess and hated myself for it. not that its any different than just my normal not in a funk life, but lately its been really bad. i need to see my therapist. its been too long since ive been in and im hurtin. last night i started to wonder if the meds im on even work. ive been on them since mom passed 2years ago but i seem to have way too many mood swings and i cant control them. i dont feel manic but when im down.. wow am i down. so i dont feel like im hating myself today but i sure wish i was at home in bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 well its 10.30 and i've already eaten a ridiculous amount of food since i got home at about 6.30. lemme see if i can even remember it all... trail mix, big spinach salad w/tom, cuke, feta... pasta w/frzn eggplant italian casserole, bread sticks, 4oz vanilla hagen daas, trail mix, few blueberries, 100 calorie pk chocolate covered pretzels, finished the bag of trail mix that i just bought after work... that was 780 calories alone... the icecream 260... i cud dig out that box from the eggplant but does it really matter... we see where this is going, er, ended up. regardless...before i sat down to write this i was headed to the kitchen to find somethin else to eat. unfortunately ive been to the grocery store, with little intent of shopping healthy, twice in the last few days. i dont know how i even detoured to the computer...but here i am. honestly i already feel defeated...as though i know im still going to eat something any minute now. why cant i just say no. not to mention, ive chewed my lip to pieces tonite... what is that about. i guess this is anxiety... why arent those meds working. i want desperately to just go to sleep...and the stupid thing is, if i would just turn the tv off and roll over i'd sleep...but no, i fight it. i just keep watching show after show... UGH! take me please Lord Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 well, im happy to say i did not go straight to the kitchen after posting last night. however, i could not fall asleep to save my life and thereforeee ended up in the kitchen about 1am...ate another 300 calorie icecream and some fresh cherries. so far today im just wishin it was the weekend. my supervisor wears me out and i really am finding it hard to come to work anymore. i dont know if thats just in my head or if im really not happy here. my only real issue is my supervisor. and seeing how she's about to marry one of the owners id say im screwed. anyway... coworker went to macaroni grill and of course what did i order but dessert. only dessert! that same supervisor brought me some leftovers from dinner, some spicy pulled pork...but dang, its too spicy for me. so it looks like lunch will be that dessert. and then ill spend the rest of the day thinking about what i'll eat after work. ridiculous. my aunt gets back in town tomorrow and she' gonna be on my butt about walking/working out. i soooo do not want to. i want to in my head but my body is not cooperating right now. she is hard to hide from for very long so i guess i better try to trick myself into being ready. i shud be happy becuz i know exercise would help my moods but its just the getting started thing that i cant seem to get a grip on. oh well, like i said, my aunt will be on me and i wont really have a choice. is it friday yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stranded247 Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Hey robin, I've just read some of your threads and posts, I'm so sorry that your going through a tough time, especially with your mom's death and then end of your relationship. I too have had trouble in the past with binging. And I know how it feels to feel like your hopeless and worthless and the feeling of total guilt after you've finished-its horrible. But I've stopped it and you can too. Seriously what I found most helpful was to firstly have healthy planned out meals and mealtimes. Because often binging would start for me when I'd had a bad day and I didn't know what to have for dinner so I would look in the fridge and one thing lead to another. Also I threw out all fattening and sugary food, there is now no sugar in my house other than fructose from apples. Its tough but if the junk isn't there at least if you do binge it'll be on food that isn't going to do too much harm. Mostly healthy food is supirsingly more filling that fattening foods and you'll find that you will want to fill up on less of it. Also most bingers tend to eat very quickly and just stuff it all in without actually chewing their foods so they dont realise how full and sick they feel until they've crammed way too much food into their stomach. Bit if your going to binge, make it a conscious descision, tell yourself I am going to binge and I am not going to feel guilty about it. But if you do this 'binge', make a point of preparing all the food your going to eat on a plate and sitting down at the table and eating everything as slowly as possible. Chances are you will eat less and it wont be a binge-just a minor over indulgence. And because you have to consciously prepare what your going to binge on rather than just standing by the fridge and eating whilst standing, you'll most likely make something healthier. Emotionally this advice cant help you. I can understand why you feel such emptiness. I think from what you have described you feel quite alone. I think maybe it would help if each time you get the urge to binge you tried to reach out to a friend instead. Make a point of reconnecting with people you like but have not made such an effort with as of late. It can be quite depressing to leave work and have to go home to an empty house where you know that only a fridge is waiting for you. What would possibly stop you from binging is inviting a friend or two round for dinner or going over to see friends after work. Or if you find that too tiring perhaps just go see a film or read a book, go for a relaxing walk, or listen to music and dance if it makes you feel better, also continue with this journal-everytime you feel bad let it out in here, dont go to the fridge, we'll be here for you. Also I know you are worried about having to give up your apartment but by any chance do you have an extra room? Because if you do, although this isn't the most agreable option you could always look for a roomate? It might do you some good because firstly, if you had someone living with you and someone who also occupied the kitchen you probably wouldn't want to be caught binging and so wouldn't do it. Also it might help pay your rent and bills and you could end up with a really good friend and companion. Even better if you have a friend who is looking for somewhere to stay. It could be really fun. Anyway I hope this helps. Dont give up and just remember like everything bad in life, this rough patch your going through will pass. One day you will look back on this time and all it will be is just a bad memory-seriously things can change so much and you'd be surprised how much power you yourself have over that change. Good Luck! I will be reading your journal to see that you're okay =). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 11, 2008 Author Share Posted June 11, 2008 thank you so much for the kind words stranded! i didnt mention that at the same time of losing my mom and my relationship, i walked out of my 10year, best paying job ive ever had and spent all my retirement money in the 6 months i didnt work. when i started over i ended up making about half of what i used to, lost my car to the repo man and had to beg for help from a father that pays you in years and year of guilt. anyway... you have some good ideas in there.. some ive tried before like keeping only healthy stuff in the house and yes, that is very helpful! i just cant always seem to stay away from them in the grocery store when im in the middle of a bad day, week or month, i'll always pick up one or two things and then there it goes... planning meals, im not so great at that... ive done it a time or two and yes its a great thing! but then i revert... like with everything else i revert eventually. my whole life has always been a series of good weeks and bad weeks... i cant ever seem to hold on to the good weeks for long. then the guilt hits and then its on to the bad weeks, usually turning into months. roommate? that wud be a big fat NO.. hehehe... ive had roommates and no no no thank you.. i have to have my space, etc. however, i was thinking just the other day when i lived with my ex i absolutely didnt binge. you know, i can have all the resources and good ideas out there, and yet i still binge. my struggle is more than just knowing the right things to do...somewhere im disconnecting between knowing and doing. and i hate it. why cant i "just" keep healthy food in the house, "just" call someone or go for a walk instead of bingin, "just" plan my meals. why cant i JUST DO IT! i feel like a very weak person because im not doing the right things. im a smart girl, hell ive gotten on pleny of health kicks over the years, but i always end up right back here. hating myself for what i do to my body. what is going to make me snap out of this... thats the question i need to find an answer to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 13, 2008 Author Share Posted June 13, 2008 whew... i made it to friday! im so glad my aunt is back in town.. i picked her up wednesday night at the airport so that put me back at home around 11pm... gettin in that late actually helped me a lil not to binge. last night she came over after work for a little while and that seemed to help me not binge too! we talked alot about gettin back on the workout schedule and getting our gym memberships! just talkin to her made me feel so much better... i am so very thankful for my aunt, i have no idea what i'd do w/out her. so after she left, i made myself make and eat a spinach salad... YEAH! GOOD FOR ME! made a cheese quesadilla and had 2-100cal bags of choc covered pretzels. is that all i ate... really?!?! hmmm.. oh no, i had a bowl of cereal at some point in the middle of the night. but overall thats an amazing evening at home for me! awesome. i did good. tonite shouldnt be too awful, im feelin better overall and my neighbor invited me over for a few drinks and chinese food after work. then im meeting up with a good friend of mine to just hang out for about an hour or so. ill be home early but im kinda tired so maybe i'll get to sleep early and miss the binging hour. heheh.. wish me luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stranded247 Posted June 15, 2008 Share Posted June 15, 2008 Wow thats awesome that your aunt is over and its stopping you from binging. Yeah going out with friends really stops you! Keep going!! Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 17, 2008 Author Share Posted June 17, 2008 i'm happy to report i had a great weekend i hung out with my neighbor (i'd even call her my new friend) friday night, had sushi, drinks, and played video games saturday with a couple of friends, and did chores and such around the house on sunday. it was a great weekend! i have a horrible memory so i cant be positive about my eating habits over the weekend but i was pretty active and i dont recall falling asleep feeling sick and guilty so.. maybe it wasnt too bad had an appt w/my psych yesterday.. he upped my meds and thinks that might help. fingers crossed it will! tonite my aunt will be over after work...we're sposed to workout but even if we dont i'll have some company and thats a good thing. so far this week... very good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 19, 2008 Author Share Posted June 19, 2008 well, this week has been.. up an down. i felt great at the beginning of the week and then i seemed to take another downhill turn. actually, as i was typing that i think i know the problem. my cat isnt well and the vet is having a hard time figuring out what is wrong. ive only had this cat 2 years, he's just a baby... he's the cat i got after the death, breakup and losing my job...he's THE CAT... know what i mean. i just cant lose him. i just cant. fingers crossed and heavy prayers he will be just fine! [-o i havent been good at all about food this week...wait, actually i havent had any really bad binges...the worst of that has been gettin up in the middle of the night and eating too many saltines and peanut butter! ugh!! besides that ive eaten fast food and donuts every day and my jeans are getting very tight. my aunt is trying so hard to get me to workout again and i have put her off every day. what is my deal. even my new neighbor friend wants to start working out with us and im still just searching for excuses not to go. my excuse tonite is that im going to a dress fitting for my supervisor that i really dont care to see away from work! the things i'll do to get out of workin out, i swear. ok but on a good point i started to make a menu last nite.. to plan my daily food and stick to it!!! so hopefully ill figure out a week of food, get the shopping done and get on it sunday or monday. i felt really great just starting the menu.. it got me excited about it. maybe this time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 wow, i havent written since last thursday?? well, lets see what i've missed... After the initial $156 bloodwork on Mojo (cat), he ended up violently ill due to some d*mN $80 antibiotics the vet put him on so ive mostly spent the last week cleaning up puke and hopin to gawd my cat was going to live. i had to take him back and get $50 worth of shots to stop the puking that the $80 pills caused and he still puked thru the weekend... sheesh! after a $300 week, i'm happy to report he's back to as normal as he's gonna get. bottom line, we still dont know whats really wrong with him and it would cost a minimum $500 to even start to find out. moving on... the weekend was lame..again it was mostly spent cleanin up puke and staring at my cat. i did work on my meal plan and get healthy groceries though. so i got thru monday and tuesday eating right! good for me! however i have to admit, i snarfed down some GOOOOD lasanga today at lunch... it was free so that means no calories, right? meetin up with my friend Angela tonite for a few minutes but otherwise...all is quiet. i guess if i had to rate this week so far its been about a 7-8 on the mental scale. im tryin to work some overtime to get my finances back in order...besides the vet bills my own doctor bills are coming due! ugh... i have therapy this weekend, FINALLY... its been waaaay too long since i saw him and im still curious to go over my psycological test results. (that was fun) other than that, no plans...shocker i know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 wow im exhausted today... i cud fall asleep right now :sleeping: i wish there was a way to go home early...but that wud screw up my overtime..oh well, what can ya do. luckily no plans tonite... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted July 6, 2008 Author Share Posted July 6, 2008 ok way too long since i posted...and of course im posting becuz i cant seem to stop eating. its sunday evenin, 7pmish. just had a 3day weekend and i feel like a flat lazy boring blob. i only left my house twice and that was to get food. i slept an ungawdly amount and im wishing more than anything i didnt have to work tomorrow. geezus. this is when i really hate myself the most. on top of all that im flat broke and owe everyone money... i need to at least put my head down and work my butt off this week. i have got to do some overtime and get outta this crap. obviously im down today...down down down. ](*,) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted July 7, 2008 Author Share Posted July 7, 2008 well now its 10pm and i just put 4 taquitos in the oven. apparently the constant back an forth between peanuts and cookie icecream sandwhiches wasnt doin it for me. in the past few hours i tried to read that grief book...tried to think about diet and exercise, googled some diet stuff. all the while stuffin my face w/peanuts and icecream! ugh. ive thought about startin to exercise, did like 4 stretches in bed... then i'd eat again. im goin insane. im so sick of this rollercoaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted July 7, 2008 Author Share Posted July 7, 2008 well, i survived the night i guess if you call falling asleep on a very full stomach surviving. i dont really. luckily im back at work today but im feeling guilty and ugly and fat. im wondering why in the hell i cannot find my motivation. i feel like i should have found it by now. should have woke up with my "ah hah" moment and get back in the saddle. but im nowhere near it. i do not want to diet and exercise at all! but im hating myself for gaining weight... this is an awful cycle and i am so tired of it. where is that magic pill when i need it. my finances are getting worse and worse and im stressing the hell out. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 well, last night was yet another disaster. i was "up" for a couple of hours and then i crashed and burned. i spent the last of my money on veggies and fruits at the store, came home and ate quite a bit of veggies and fruit...then it was downhill. my aunt came over after work and i got my gazelle (workout equipment) out of the closet finally. after she left i did 15 mins on it and felt good about myself. then i dont know what happened... i ate everything else i could get my hands on, couldnt sleep and was 40 mins late to work this morning. i'm so over this up and down crap i could scream. so tonite ive committed to goin to the apartment gym w/my aunt. gee im so excited. God give me the strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 well, i did make it to the gym w/my aunt on tuesday and of course it didnt kill me. it was unbelievably hot in there so we only did like 15 mins on the treadmill, came back to my apt and did another 15 on the gazelle. good for me! then i had a big salad and a lil bit of pasta and sauce for dinner... i cant recall that night totally but im sure i was up stuffing my face with something. im thinkin it was pb and saltines. anyway... yesterday wasnt too bad, no exercise but i socialized w/my neighbor for awhile. in fact we talked alot about exercise and food... it was motivating. seems she is dyin to get her hands on me and train me... shes not a professional but she is VERY into fitness and i wud trust her to push me to my limits and beyond, at least thats what i picture from hearing her stories of helping her friends get in shape. so, here is my neighbor/new friend... willing to take time out of her life to push me into a healthy lifestyle...something i'm always cryin about... and yet i cant say the words to her, "ok, lets do this". WHAT THE HECK IS MY PROBLEM! ](*,) this would take all the guesswork out of it, hell all i have to do is answer the door and do what she says... and that is EXACTLY what i ALWAYS say i need...someone to kick my butt. i dream about havin someone to yell at me and make me do this... so why wont i say yes?!?!? hell, she works out in her apartment...she doesnt spend money on gadgets and gyms and trends...she does what works and she does whats free and she is HOT!! i mean, wat the heck, i woudnt even have to spend a dime. yea, im scared...but of what? being skinny and able to wear shorts? possibly even getting in a bathing suit and goin to the pool?!?! seriously, its in my reach so what the hell... what am i scared of... i guess getting pulled out of my safe place...but why, why when i really am not happy in that safe place. i really want more than anything to feel good enough about myself to get out in the world. and yet im wasting every opportunity. Janet tries so hard to get me in the swing of things. Pete and Heather try to get me into a healthier lifestyle. And now i'm being offered a great opportunity for free training. so why am i still stuffing my face at night and hating myself during the day?!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
r3drobin Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 dangit i hate when i dont post, i really mean to keep up with this! lets see... it's been an ok week except for finances...that is BIG TROUBLE. but, what can i do... if i dont have the money i dont have the money. i havent had any binges this week and i actually worked out some! and i have finally commited to let my neighbor Regina train me!! i'm scared to death of her...lol... but i am excited to get my butt in gear!! i also went to a happy hour this week, that was fun and social... lol.. good for me! what else... i miss my little brother and my neice and nephews. thats all i got for now! therapy tomorrow, yea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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