Can't stay angry

[Maree79]

Day 15 since the breakup.

 

I feel helpless today, had one of those nights where you dream that everything is back to perfect with you & your ex. So, I woke up devastated all over again.

 

I have realized a problem: I can't seem to stay angry about this breakup. My ex & I never fought & we broke up do to his inability to cope with his own brain - I think he might be bipolar. I was willing to stand by him & do whatever I could to help, he just didn't think I deserved that life, he also refused to get help. So....I can't stay angry, I feel guilty when I do. I feel like I lost him to an illness. How can I be mad if he is sick? Plus he truly is a great man, the only man that has ever made me feel loved, he has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen.

 

Right before we ended, he found out that is mother has cancer. He has a love/hate relationship with his Mom so I know this is something he is having an extremely difficult time with. I want to be there for him. We were pretty much all each other had - I know that is unhealthy but we stumbled into each others lives when we really needed each other. He changed my life for the better in so many ways. I am afraid now that he is dealing with his Mom's mortality alone.

 

This is my first relationship that has ended with heartbreak. Others were loveless relationships and one was violent - so I was pretty happy when they ended.

 

Sorry for the rant, I guess I just need the support & advice you guys are so great at dishing out. Thank you.

[greywolf]

Don't feel guilty. It's true he may have an illness, but instead of choosing to work on things with you he chose to give you up. There's nothing for you to feel guilty about. This was his own choice.

[Maree79]

Yeah, I always thought our relationship was worth fighting for. It breaks my heart that he didn't go see a doctor. I really think that he can't fix himself without help. Why didn't he do it for me? For us? If he had gotten help things would probably be different.

[pumpkinmoon]

you dont need to stay angry. You will have a whole load of emotions going around, anger, hurt, disbelief, denial, sadness and a whole bunch of others that you cant even describe with words. Just let them come and go and eventually it will be easier.

 

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Sounds to me like you did the best you could and were willing to give all you could to the relationship and to him but for some reason he didnt want that or it wasn't good enough for him. Not your fault at all.

 

As for him having to deal with his mother having cancer, I know that it must be hard for you thinking of him going through that alone but he is choosing to and there is nothing you can do about that.

 

It's not up to you or anyone else to save him, the only person who can do that is him.

 

I know it is hard and we are all here for you.

[Maree79]

Thanks ShoeFairy. I guess when I feel angry it doesn't hurt as much & I want to stay there. I want to call him so bad today & it is taking everything I have not to. I'm hurting

 

I am trying to stay positive & realize it is over at the same time, but I want my old life back. I want my old boyfriend back, my best friend back...and here come the tears again.

 

Just a bad day.

[pumpkinmoon]

Thanks ShoeFairy. I guess when I feel angry it doesn't hurt as much & I want to stay there. I want to call him so bad today & it is taking everything I have not to. I'm hurting

 

I am trying to stay positive & realize it is over at the same time, but I want my old life back. I want my old boyfriend back, my best friend back...and here come the tears again.

 

Just a bad day.

 

aw I know how you feel. I get really angry too sometimes, I wolke up today and thought about all the bad stuff and I got really angry but when the anger fades it makes the sadness seem so much worse.

 

I know what you mean when you say you want your old boyfriend back, I do too.

 

15 days isn't long at all though. ts about a week off 3 months for me and although it has gotten easier there are still times when I feel I have not healed at all and gone back to square one.

 

Its going to take time, maybe a long time but you will get through it eventually.

 

There are times when I just stop and think "I just can't do this anymore, I can't go on" but we have to. We have no choice.

 

I know you want to contact him, but I can assure you that if you do it will make you feel 10 times worse afterwards. Keep that in mind and it will stop you from doing so.

 

You are stronger than you think and soon you will come to realise this and feel that strength. If someone told me a year ago that I would be in this situation now I would have said, "there is no way I could cope with that", but I am, I may not be coping very well but I am plodding along. You will too. You have all of us here for advice and to support you through your darkest times.

[shygirl1212]

Maree, I know how you feel because I have been struggling with guilt after my breakup too. It is a very difficult emotion to deal with because it also leaves you feeling helpless.

 

I broke up with my bf due to his dishonesty and the fact that our trust was gone - we also had many other differences that kept us apart. I was waiting for him to finally grow up and be responsible, mature, to be the man that I always thought he was but realized he really wasn't.

 

Despite all of this, I still loved him, and still love him. I was the dumper but really feel like the dumpee.

 

I think "if only...this/that", so right now I'm struggling with "if I did the right thing, then why do I feel so wrong about it?"

 

In my mind I know we can never be, but in my heart, he will always be...

 

Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in feeling this way and I am here for you too.

[pumpkinmoon]

 

I broke up with my bf due to his dishonesty and the fact that our trust was gone - we also had many other differences that kept us apart. I was waiting for him to finally grow up and be responsible, mature, to be the man that I always thought he was but realized he really wasn't.

 

 

If the trust has gone then I really dont think there is any point. I wanted my ex back more than anything in the world, I made myself ill to the point where I think I coughed up half of my stomach lining (sorry for the gory details) but as time as gone on, I know now that I could never go back because I can't trust him. Yes I still want him but I know that it would never work and i would be worried sick about what was going on behind my back and I would be walking on eggshells constantly. Relationships are hard enough without the trust being broken.

[shygirl1212]

If the trust has gone then I really dont think there is any point. I wanted my ex back more than anything in the world, I made myself ill to the point where I think I coughed up half of my stomach lining (sorry for the gory details) but as time as gone on, I know now that I could never go back because I can't trust him. Yes I still want him but I know that it would never work and i would be worried sick about what was going on behind my back and I would be walking on eggshells constantly. Relationships are hard enough without the trust being broken.

 

very true fairy- this is the only thing that really is keeping me from maintaining NC...I know that if I do reach out to him and want to make things work, eventually when the honeymoon phase is over, we will both be where we are now if not worse..