I got asked out on 2 dinner dates, but not interested in the men: should I reject..?

[Lily04]

I just wanted to say someone1111, thank you so much for your message. I was thinking about a lot of what you said today and how low self-esteem affects me in my everyday life and I think I really need to turn my thoughts around to the positive. I'm always thinking negatively/cynically about everything (my dad is very much like this as well... perhaps it rubbed off...) and I think it may be subconsciously turning people away from me and opportunities away from me as well. I know I lost at least one friend as a result, and perhaps distanced my relationship with my sister due to this as well... well, I know that for sure - she was always upset with my obsessing about my weight and appearance in the past, as did one of my former best friends who felt she needed to take a "break" from me because my negativity was affecting HER so much. We are now back on speaking terms but it was tough for both of us...

 

I ultimately need to learn to love myself before others will love me. I never realized how true that is until now, and after reading your message it reinforced it even more. So what - I may not get into law school, or one of the graduate schools I wanted. I may feel a bit like I got a lot of tough breaks in life. I may not be a perfect size 4 (I'm size 6 but at 5'10" that's still pretty damn good.) There may be a lot of things I'm unhappy with about my life right now... I may not have the best relationship with my sister or parents or friends. But ultimately........it's still worth going on, because things can only get better. I can learn to do right... it may be hard, and I may experience a lot of failures, but life will lift me right back up again.

 

I am, however, going back to counselling tomorrow because I have been increasingly depressed and I think learning to love myself will take some time and it may help to talk with someone. I've really made that a priority now... I've just saw myself through the mirror as being ugly for too long when I need to realize that it's only hurting myself... how to gain confidence will be a huge step for me and it's almost bringing tears to my eyes to think about because my confidence in the past has only been based on grades and superficial things... but I need to learn to live within myself, and feel it. It will definitely be an experience...

 

Thanks again..

 

Lily

[Lily04]

What i'm wondering now is... I should have a more "positive' aroma to me... I should be more happy & project a more happy, confident demeanor because of various reasons...but I'm not sure if I should still be honest sometimes about my cynicism and be honset about how I feel... should I be fake & happy or more serious and honest...?

I think sometimes I just want to say things, to let out my frustration but it annoys people or puts them off because it's negative thoughts.. and people generally don't like negativity..i dont really want to be a negative person either.

[Batya33]

You don't have to express your feelings just because you have them. Faking it till you make it sometimes is a very helpful approach.

[Lily04]

You don't have to express your feelings just because you have them. Faking it till you make it sometimes is a very helpful approach.

 

Wow.. why? I often express my feelings because I need an outlet... I am rarely the person to keep them to myself. Maybe I should express them in a journal or something instead... perhaps that is why people think I am "too much" as well at times...eek.

[Lily04]

batya, do you think people likely perceive me as being too 'emotional' because i will often rant how i'm feeling? or say if i'm feeling down..? I am very honest with my emotions that's all...

[Gratsy]

When you become less critical of people around you and less critical of yourself...you'll realize that there is beauty in ugliness, that there is beauty and wonder all around you. Wasting your time worrying about whether you're good enough will give you gray hairs early.

[Batya33]

batya, do you think people likely perceive me as being too 'emotional' because i will often rant how i'm feeling? or say if i'm feeling down..? I am very honest with my emotions that's all...

 

I don't think you are "honest" you are "open" and perhaps too "open". Honest with your emotions means that when someone asks you how you are feeling in other than a perfunctory "how ya doing" way, you answer in a truthful way. Answering in a truthful way could be "thanks for asking - I'm not ok but the reasons are personal" or "I'm ok thanks." Or a truthful response could be expressing every single emotion you're feeling.

 

Both are honest but the first might be more appropriate in situations where (1) you don't know the people well/it's a professional setting; (2) these are people you've been venting to a lot and you know they deserve a break from your venting; (3) you know that if you share how you're really feeling, it may be overwhelming or boring to the people there or inappropriate so you choose to filter what you say, while remaining truthful.

 

I never understand when people confuse openness with honesty. Typically i find that people who overshare or vent a lot justify it by saying "I was just being honest." Being open has to be balanced with tact, timing, compassion, sensitivity, other people's needs, context, etc.

 

I know that I became a far more likable person when I stopped being chatty and oversharing - first of all it showed respect for peoples' time and capacity to hear stuff - especially negative stuff - and second it gives the impression that you are a discreet person. And if you are discreet with your own affairs, people will feel more comfortable sharing their confidences with you and trust that you will also be discreet with their information.

[novaseeker]

 

I never understand when people confuse openness with honesty. Typically i find that people who overshare or vent a lot justify it by saying "I was just being honest." Being open has to be balanced with tact, timing, compassion, sensitivity, other people's needs, context, etc.

 

This should be posted on the bulletin board. So true.

[Lily04]

Thanks Batya.... I think this explains quite well why I was socially awkward for a while, unfortunately.... I didn't really understand the concept of "sharing too much" or "too soon." In my mind (at the time of sharing with some people), perhaps I was so desperate for friendship I felt that by sharing more I would be creating a bond, of trust & intimacy, showing that althogh we don't know each other THAT well, I can still trust the person enough to share more personal information. But on one occasion I actually had a guy tell me (someone who I was just starting to become good friends with...) that he felt awkward because he didn't know me that well and couldn't advise me, and felt it trespassed the boundaries of our friendship or something along those lines. I was really hurt by that at the time, and felt like he didn't want to be my friend. After that conversation, we haven't really been friends, actually...I think he probably thought I was just too weird. I may disclose too much too soon...I'm really glad you told me that I shouldn't, though, this will make me much more aware & cautious of how much I am telling to people and reaveling in what way.............I feel sort of bad now, thinkign about how many friendships I may have ruined as a result or damaged my image before I could really get to know people......but perhaps I can just take it as a learning experience of social anxiety or a socially dysfunctional stage I had in the past & move forward with this knowledge, right...?? What do you think...that's pretty much all I can do, I think...

[Batya33]

Yes, take it as a learning experience. Opening up at a reasonable pace and being sensitive to timing, context, the relationship, how you know the person is what really creates the bond. People really appreciate when you respect their boundaries, when you give them the space to get to know you. Oversharing also (in addition to what I wrote above) can make a new person feel like "oh, she tells everyone everything, there's nothing special about me" and it gives the impression of drama queen/train wreck even if you don't mean it.

 

also it sounds like what you share is your problems which can come accross as needy and manipulative, again, even if you don't mean it.

 

Try the 80/20 rule- listen 80% of the time and ask questions that are not prying but that follow up such as "that's great that you took acting lessons as a child, so are you still involved in acting?"

 

It all depends on whether you truly like interacting with people. Liking an audience for your stories is not liking people, that's liking to talk. Do people interest you? Are you able to treat people as individuals and not label them right away '"oh, that's the ivy league guy" "that's the girl who models" "that's that nerdy science girl" - are you interested in what makes them tick, and not just how they react to your sharing of feelings?

 

I can be chatty, so I am VERY conscious especially with people I don't know very well to give them plenty of air time even if I am feeling needy that day.

 

An example - I have a friend who I meet for coffee once every 6 weeks for an hour. Yesterday as I waited for her I was feeling needy - I had a lot I wanted to share with her, I needed a hug. But, I realized - wait a second - why not just go with the flow, see what's going on with her, what she wants to talk about, and stop rehearsing! It was a much nicer meeting because of that and there were things she wanted my input on that probably would have gotten buried had I launched into my "stuff." (but I did make sure I got the hug!)

[Lily04]

That's so great advice, Batya, thanks... I only wish I would have learned that sooner - could have saved me a lot of heartache & broken friendships, myself...!!! But oh well... I think university was such a learning curve as I learned a lot academically and emotionally...in high school I was very shy/introverted and insecure and I think I improved tons after my 5 years in college. But I am evidently still learning to overcome some of those social anxieties and so forth that I had issues with as a child...

[Batya33]

Yes I had similar issues at one time socially and couldn't figure it out - after all I was being soooo "nice" and sooo open and people were often turned off.

[Lily04]

Yes I had similar issues at one time socially and couldn't figure it out - after all I was being soooo "nice" and sooo open and people were often turned off.

 

Really?? Wow, we seem so much alike..!! I'm surprised...

 

Also, this is a bit off-topic, but I actually went out to a social event today! It was a friend's house party & BBQ to celebrate the opening of the Euro world cup (they're all Europeans.) Anyway, I met some new people there and got along quite well with some (just as friends, I wasn't really interested in any as more, really..) but throughout the party Facebook was mentioned quite a few times (admittedly many are computer nerds haha) and when I got home I added some as friends. I'm just not sure how this looks... do you think adding people right after the party looks sort of desperate? Should I let others add me? the problem with that is that they often don't, lol... so I take initiative in maintaining contact by adding them, I guess...

 

Anyway, thanks again, have to run..

 

Lily

[Batya33]

That sounds good. Can't really answer as far as Facebook - I am not sure about the etiquette or how things "look" if you add friends. I add people I want to have in my network and I don't focus on the timing. I've never used Facebook or Myspace when I was dating around.

[Lily04]

Thanks. Yeah, it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I added them & soon after they wrote a message or I wrote, and they replied. I don't think there's any social convention regarding this, lol...

[pinkelephant]

I used to get the same sort. Guys would be my friend but when I said I only wanted to be friends, they go nuts and stuff.

 

I recently talked to my bf about this... apparently it's in the way we carry ourselves. Sometimes too flirty and guys read into things and feel betrayed. Maybe that's why. The fact that you say you're scared of saying no makes me think you're like that. Leading them on, unintentionally which causes them to get pissed.

[Lily04]

That may be true, pink elephant. I don't think they're pissed though (these 2 guys in particular) but just disappointed. But whatever - apparently the one guy who said he doesn't want to still go out for dinner (which I am fine with) asks out almost every girl part of this political club I'm in, so... ha, I'm sure he'll find some nerd to go out with him soon enough