I got asked out on 2 dinner dates, but not interested in the men: should I reject..?

[Lily04]

I agree with LostinFlorida. It is much more likely that they don't want to jeopardise their relationship - or their new girlfriend isn't happy about the friendship. In which case they are the ones being pragmatic.

 

so it's more because of the fact that girls are jealous creatures?? lol.

[DN]

so it's more because of the fact that girls are jealous creatures?? lol.

Judging by the posts on here from both men and women who feel threatened by their partner having friendships with the other sex I think it is a gender-neutral issue. But it is still a real issue for people.

[Lily04]

Judging by the posts on here from both men and women who feel threatened by their partner having friendships with the other sex I think it is a gender-neutral issue. But it is still a real issue for people.

 

I see... fair enough. It could be because of this, then, or because now that they're in a relationship, they gave up on the hope that one day we would eventually hook up

[DN]

I see... fair enough. It could be because of this, then, or because now that they're in a relationship, they gave up on the hope that one day we would eventually hook up

Yes. Or it could be they only saw you as a friend and didn't want to hook up.

[shy2cool]

If you have a lot of guy friends, I think most of them think they have a 'chance' with getting with you if you're a hottie - which, from a lot of your posts, I am assuming that you are; and will hang around, but rapidly disappear when you make your true intent known to them. I would just say no, it will save a lot of stress and pain for both you and the other guys.

[Lily04]

Good points. Well I sent the same message to both guys and got quite interesting replies, and both somewhat along the lines of what I expected: that one guy would be OK, and the other wouldn't so much (as he's more arrogant, and seems more the "I just want to get a girl" type..) The first guy (the more down-to-earth friendly one) was very polite and said that he was fine with that, but still wanted to do dinner as a way of getting to know each other better, as friends. He seemed genuine enough, so I said that's great, and asked to meet sometime later this week. The other guy responded somewhat more coldly:

 

"That's ok with me in general, but not for sushi this wed, right after moving. I'm sure we'll see each other at more events."

 

That was it. No "let's meet up for dinner sometime in the future instead" just "I'll see you around."

 

 

 

And moving what a lame excuse... I called him out on it as well, saying I thought he moved last weekend... ugh.

[JadedStar]

I don't think the other guys reply meant he wants to just want to get a girl as in bed her down or anything, he is letting you know he is interested in dating. This does not make him any worse than the guy who said sure let's go to dinner.

 

I will almost guarantee you the one who still said sure let's go to dinner is not being honest with you. He wants more but too much of a pushover to be open about it.

 

There is really no reason to say he has lame excuses or be agitated about it. He wanted to go on a date as a real date, not as a friend. Why is his being honest being portrayed so negatively? I applaud his tenacity to make good use of his time. To be honest, If i were a guy and asked a girl out to dinner i hoped to date i would probably also try to get out of it if she gave me the 'i don't want to lead you on and wanna be friends speech". I'd rather spend my time with the friends i already have as i wouldn't be looking for new ones if i was really looking for a date.

[Lily04]

I don't think the other guys reply meant he wants to just want to get a girl as in bed her down or anything, he is letting you know he is interested in dating. This does not make him any worse than the guy who said sure let's go to dinner.

 

I will almost guarantee you the one who still said sure let's go to dinner is not being honest with you. He wants more but too much of a pushover to be open about it.

 

Yes I know.. I had that impression that he's looking for a girl though from the start... I wouldn't say he's a player type but he's more of the "I don't waste my time - I just get what I want and move on" type... whereas I tend to value friendship in people, as well... I just meant to say he seems quite focused on dating right now in his life. His facebook profile in some ways also reads like a dating profile, as he indicates he's single & lookign for a relationship... the other guy is less open about it and at least to me, seemed more willing to accept friendship. But I bet you're right and he is secretly hoping for more... he called me both yesterday & today, leaving voice messages which seemed quite formal and sort of awkward.. I think he may not know how to act now.... great.

[LostInFlorida]

Quoted for truth! =D>

[Lily04]

 

There is really no reason to say he has lame excuses or be agitated about it. He wanted to go on a date as a real date, not as a friend. Why is his being honest being portrayed so negatively? I applaud his tenacity to make good use of his time. To be honest, If i were a guy and asked a girl out to dinner i hoped to date i would probably also try to get out of it if she gave me the 'i don't want to lead you on and wanna be friends speech". I'd rather spend my time with the friends i already have as i wouldn't be looking for new ones if i was really looking for a date.

 

haha, I just saw this edit... I think we're on the same page here. The difference was, though, that right when I met him... I told him that I'm looking to make new friends. He said that he can help me make new friends in the city & he hopes he can help me have a good time as well... I didn't really imply I was looking for more. It just seems a bit hypocritical and disappointing that he's not really interested in helping me make friends but just wanted a date... he was flirting with me the whole time when we went out for the parties, though, so it was obvious to me he wanted more (oh, and he asked me to dinner soon after..) but... I guess I'm just disappointed that he isn't really interested in getting to know me in the context of friendship either. As if I'm only good for one thing: dating, and that's it..

[Lily04]

I'd rather spend my time with the friends i already have as i wouldn't be looking for new ones if i was really looking for a date.

 

But if you have a lot of the same interests and get along well, why do you have to push off a request for friendship? I don't know....I suppose my parents always taught me to appreciate friendship in anyone and that men & women can meet for coffee as friends, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that either... I've always had the 'never say no' philosophy, as I appreciate getting to know new people. I suppose, in theory, I think it's a bit sad how others do not adopt that philosophy as well.... but to each his own..

[JadedStar]

But if you have a lot of the same interests and get along well, why do you have to push off a request for friendship? I don't know....I suppose my parents always taught me to appreciate friendship in anyone and that men & women can meet for coffee as friends, and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that either... I've always had the 'never say no' philosophy, I guess, as I appreciate getting to know new people. I suppose, in theory, I think it's a bit sad how others do not adopt that philosophy as well.... but to each his own..

 

Lily, maybe i am different than most or more honest than most, but if i were single with the friends i have now, well let's just say i have more than enough and my free time is limited. I am always open for new aquaintences but if my goal were to find someone to date i wouldn't have the time capacity to take on every person who wanted to friend list me.

 

This is probably where the guy is coming from. He has friends. He is looking for a lady to date. Most people don't have gobs of free time so they choose how to spend it accordingly. I dont see anything wrong with that.

[Lily04]

Lily, maybe i am different than most or more honest than most, but if i were single with the friends i have now, well let's just say i have more than enough and my free time is limited. I am always open for new aquaintences but if my goal were to find someone to date i wouldn't have the time capacity to take on every person who wanted to friend list me.

 

This is probably where the guy is coming from. He has friends. He is looking for a lady to date. Most people don't have gobs of free time so they choose how to spend it accordingly. I dont see anything wrong with that.

 

I see. Ok, that makes sense when you put it that way... this guy and I just have different circumstances. At the moment, I have more free time as I am currently looking for a job....which I hope pans out! But he seems very active in politics & has his own legal practice and it seems recently just moved to a new neighborhood... (although it was where he lived a few years back..) So maybe he does feel pressured for time and would rather just meet me upon coincidence at events...I did that during school as well, when I was much more busy...

[Shudder]

personally i think if you are up for meeting new friends of the opposite sex, do it in a manner that doesnt suggest its a date. i know i dont go to dinner with a female friend of mine alone. never have and probably never will. i have done it when there were other friends so as to suggest it wasn't a date. of the times that i have done it, it was pretty much crossing the friend to lover barrier.

 

i was just thinking that if you keep accepting these guys invites to dinners etc no matter how clear you make it that you want to be friends, deep down there will be that hope that one day you will change your mind.

[Lily04]

personally i think if you are up for meeting new friends of the opposite sex, do it in a manner that doesnt suggest its a date. i know i dont go to dinner with a female friend of mine alone. never have and probably never will. i have done it when there were other friends so as to suggest it wasn't a date. of the times that i have done it, it was pretty much crossing the friend to lover barrier.

 

i was just thinking that if you keep accepting these guys invites to dinners etc no matter how clear you make it that you want to be friends, deep down there will be that hope that one day you will change your mind.

 

Good point. I went out with a guy "as friends" last year for drinks, and he was incredibly disappointed after I told him I still want to only be friends after that... I didn't really see it as a date as I was never interested in him in that way (not attracted to him at all, actually) but he revealed that he had been attracted to me for the last 2 years at least, and thought we had amazing chemistry and that that night confirmed it.......it made our friendship more awkward and took a while to recover. I'm still not sure if we are really 'friends' or not... we've tried because I think he's a cool guy as frineds and not someone I'd want to lose entirely, but I think it is difficult for him so ... I don't put pressure... this guy is sort of planning for dinner still as if it's a date. Do you think I should call it off? Or just go but make sure I don't flirt with him..?

[Shudder]

i think its best you call it off. otherwise you're just stringing him along and i know thats the last thing you want to do.

[Lily04]

i think its best you call it off. otherwise you're just stringing him along and i know thats the last thing you want to do.

 

I guess... but I feel bad since I already accepted now, lol.....hmm i dont know

[tangi39]

You need to tell the truth and stop lying immediately.

 

You don't have to accept a date just to be polite. If you're not interested a guy would rather know up front that make a fool of himself over a woman who does not even like him. Never pity date someone, ever. I did once- it was horrible. I thought I was sparing a guy's feelings- He ended up hurting more than if I just told him I wasn't interested right away.

Be honest, tell them it's not a date, period.

[Lily04]

You need to tell the truth and stop lying immediately.

 

You don't have to accept a date just to be polite. If you're not interested a guy would rather know up front that make a fool of himself over a woman who does not even like him. Never pity date someone, ever. I did once- it was horrible. I thought I was sparing a guy's feelings- He ended up hurting more than if I just told him I wasn't interested right away.

Be honest, tell them it's not a date, period.

 

I WAS honest... I told him that I'm not interested in dating and if we could just be friends. He said that's fine... but I get the impression that he's hoping for more from it... as he's acting quite formal when he leaves messages and such, sort of like he's nervous about a first date... but oh well, I think I'll just meet him but try to act like friends & not flirt and such, if possible..I mean, I already told him - what more can I do besides cancelling? After we meet for dinner, I think I'll just lay low and act like the other guy acted to me - say that it was nice meeting, and I'll see him around at future events... i.e. not plan another time to meet.

[Carmine]

If you specifically told him "let's just go as friends" and he still accepted, then that's his problem for being too weak to stick up for his own interests. Don't bash the other guy for declining you because he was actually the stronger one of the two. He didn't want to be your friend; he wanted to date you, so he remained true to his interests and didn't shortchange himself by going out with you as just a friend. Don't take it as an insult! Each of you had different intentions that could not be compromised, so instead of completely forfeiting his own interests, he backed out. You've gotta understand that once a guy is attracted to you, it's hard for him to accept you only as a friend and continue to be around you, especially when you're teasing him by asking him to go places where it's just the two of you.

 

Back to the guy who accepted...like I said, he's probably just too shy to stand up and say that he isn't ok with going as friends, which is not that hard of a thing to do since he already asked you out and you came right out and said "let's just go as friends."

[Lily04]

Above all, be honest, be yourself, and be true to yourself... including not settling just because you're lonely. Hang in there.

 

Thanks... interesting advice. We actually just talked about plans for where to eat earlier, and I mentioned that I wanted to go somewhere low-key because I don't have a lot of $$ now since I don't have a job... (he knows I'm looking for one)... and thereforeee made it clear that I intended on paying my way. We decided on a place that's nice but reasonable in price. umm.. but now I am somewhat reconsidering whether I should have told them both that I'm not interested in dating. With this guy, I'm pretty clear that I only see him as a friend. With the other guy... it wasn't like instant sparks flew either, but I am attracted to certain parts of his personality (he's intelligent, motivated, has a strong personality which I find attractive) but I'm not really physically attracted to him... one thing that bugs me a bit is that I am quite thin & value fitness whereas he is a bit on the stocky side and probably about 5 inches shorter than me... I guess, physically, it doesn't work so well for me. If he were taller and more fit, I could potentially be attracted to him but at this time, I'm just not... we went to a club together (it was for a party so our friends were around though) and we got along reasonably well, and I even gave him a kiss on the cheek goodbye (although he did sort of ask for it which was lame lol...) but I just felt the chemistry was a bit lacking. I guess, I could go out with him if i'm feeling a bit lonely (as I am... see my thread in the "suicide" section of the messageboard, lol) but what you said above... "don't settle"... I don't know. Am I judging too soon? it seems impossible for me to find a guy I DO feel that 'chemistry' with and who i am also physically attracted to though......maybe I should settle...

[CaptainPlanet]

If you have not much money you should have gone out with him for a date to get a free feed I think women should pay their way but if she is broked I'd happily pay also the formality of a dinner date suggests that the man should pay. Not to suggest you should not pay for the next date of equal value.

 

If you are broke you should take full advantage of your womanhood and date as many men as possible in the search of free stuff.

[Shudder]

wow.................................

[Gratsy]

Just tell them that you're only looking for a friendship and if they want to hang out under those terms- then cool. If they don't want to hang out after that, no biggie. You'll eventually make friends, don't worry.

[Lily04]

Thanks for the input, and this is definitely true... the first bf I had in university (when I was 19), was typically what most would consider "way" below my league... he was overweight, not attractive, and 5 years older than me... the next guy I dated was 12 years older than me, also quite thin & not attractive... never led far because I actually almost shuddered after kissing him (or did) and decided the relationship wouldn't lead far. I wasn't that attracted to his personality either... there was one guy I was interested in who, although not that physically attractive, had a really attractive personality and I would have happily dated him had he not been an egotistical player, so I soon dumped him before really starting to date him. Needless to say, that's been my "history" of dating - dating guys who are either not attractive to me and then trying to decide whether to settle (in some cases I did, but as you may have read, I've only had 2 short-lasting relationships so they weren't that fulfilling) or I have tended to be attracted to players who weren't that interested in me but only wanted to 'bang' me which led me astray and in some cases, to become very cynical of men.

 

I definitely have had low self-esteem, with respect to my body & looks, and personality... I had a difficult time in school which caused me to question my own intelligence (major issue for me as I want to pursue graduate studies) and my own family issues and their superficial attitude towards looks have in the past caused me a lot of stress related to my own appearance. I somehow know that I am attractive, but when it comes to meeting men... I can't find the wits to flirt at all. My friends have often made fun at me in clubs because it's very rare I'll approach a guy or even flirt back sometimes...as a policy, I never approach a guy in a bar or club, because I prefer the man to make the first step. But then sometimes I never get approached at all, which only leads to this cycle of self-doubt & low self-esteem. Re. the beach suggestion: I'm not sure I can do that. I don't even own one bikini at all because my sister and mom would make fun of my boobs (or lack thereof) all the time (I'm a size B, but my mom/sister always joke I'm a size A and shouldn't even wear a bra... ok, I WAS smaller when I was near anorexic but now that I have gained a bit of weight to be a healthy weight again, I do have some boobs...) anyway... I'm already insecure enough about my body so I'm not really sure the whole beach thing would work. Going out to clubs I like but as I don't have real friends, it's hard to do... so I tend to just go out to political-related enough with very few goodlooking guys (where I met these 2 guys who asked me out, in fact) and ... well, it's generally not the place to look for goodlooking guys, lol...as you may have noticed, most politicians are NOT goodlooking and most political junkies are not as well....