Jeen Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Why do we always have to walk on eggs when it come to abuse, yes it is black and white, abuse is wrong and every time we only standby we get more use to it, we start to except it, no it will never be OK in my books and yes I will go to extremes to stop it. Sometimes there is no other way. Yes there is different ways to solve every problem in this case mine would only be as a last resort if everything els fail. Sorry for going off topic Metrogirl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Why do we always have to walk on eggs when it come to abuse, yes it is black and white, abuse is wrong and every time we only standby we get more use to it, we start to except it, no it will never be OK in my books and yes I will go to extremes to stop it. Sometimes there is no other way. Yes there is different ways to solve every problem in this case mine would only be as a last resort if everything els fail. Sorry for going off topic Metrogirl. I certainly don't think people are saying abuse is right...but there has to be some realistic thinking here. I have to ask if you have ever done any kind of intervention in an abusive relationship...has the strategy you are proposing ever worked in your experience. Abuse is wrong, but just because something is wrong, doesn't mean that it is black and white to fix. Sometimes marching in like the cavalry can have dire consequences to the person dealing with the abuse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
15 Storeys High Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 No one is saying abuse is okay Jeen. And no one is saying just stand by and let it happen. What I, and others, are saying is that it's a complicated situation when someone doesn't want to admit they're being abused and being so forceful is likely to make the situation worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catwalk Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 I was in this situation up until about 2 weeks ago (she left him and came home thankfully!!!!). Same ages, living situation, everything! What we did was stay in contact as much as we could. Each person just did a little, so as not to bother the abusive partner too much, but just enough so they knew we were there and not going ANYWHERE. We would take turns calling home & cell for short convos, emailing (although she might have cut him off from this already), asking to come over, inviting them out, just being there! We also gave her information about abuse. When you have a checklist of 40 things that are abusive behavior and even if in his head, where he can't lie, he sees that she's doing 32/40, it might open his eyes. I don't know if this will help you, but it worked for us and I'm glad ours ended happy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
15 Storeys High Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Spot on. Excellent advice and you prove that this is the right way to go. I'm gad it worked out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeen Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Yes I have helped a few people in my life, a person who is abused always find it hard to say or speak the truth not even to talk about leaving the person, sometimes you have to act like the cavalry and be the cavalry to get them to open up and really trust you. You will only get a positive outcome if this person really believe in you and know you are there for them in every way. You have to win the the trust of the abused person first and that is the hard part most of the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Yes I have helped a few people in my life, a person who is abused always find it hard to say or speak the truth not even to talk about leaving the person, sometimes you have to act like the cavalry and be the cavalry to get them to open up and really trust you. You will only get a positive outcome if this person really believe in you and know you are there for them in every way. You have to win the the trust of the abused person first and that is the hard part most of the time. This is exactly what everyone on this board is saying to do...be there as a secure place for the abused and win their trust. That doesn't mean deliberately antagonizing the abuser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeen Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 This is exactly what everyone on this board is saying to do...be there as a secure place for the abused and win their trust. That doesn't mean deliberately antagonizing the abuser. Sometimes using gorilla tactics is the only way to get the abused person away from the abuser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pocket Rocket Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Hmmm might there be groups around where abused men get together and talk about their past experiences? If you know a man who has been abused by his SO, or anyone here, ask if they can get in touch with your son and share their experience. That may help to open up his eyes a little more, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 I want to say thank you to all that have spoken on this subject. It helps my soul to know that a majority of ENA'rs here think I'm doing the best I can. Pocketrocket.....I am going to do some research and see if there are any resources in my area that deal with male victims of abuse. Thank you for that advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurian Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Does he have anything to say about it? Does he know she is not treating him right or does he believe he deserves it somehow? Why does he stay? When I was with my abusive ex, my parents tried to intervene. However, the problem was that I thought I deserved to be treated badly (according to him, which I lapped up due to my low self-esteem) and that I deserved to be yelled at, have stuff thrown at me because I "provoked him" and be reduced to tears on a regular basis because I had "emotional problems." When my parents tried to tell me I didn`t deserve it, I pretty much parrotted what he had hammered into my head. It must be true right, he loves me right? He wouldn`t do this for no good reason right? He also manipulated the situation so that the more my parents tried to push him away from me, the more I pushed them away from me. They were "interfering", they didn`t like him, they wanted to break us up, etc. The more they pushed, the more he blew and the more frightened I got as well. Eventually the best thing they could do was to just support me, let me know they were there if I needed them, and let me come to my own realization that I had to leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pocket Rocket Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 ^^ good insight. Good luck metrogirl, I hope the best for your son, no one deserves to be abused, ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yates33 Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Tell your son, to be A MAN. And to not let anyone step on him. This isn't a situation for "lovey dovey" generic garbage. I am being blunt because I want to help. Tell your son to be the MAN HE KNOWS HE IS and not take that B.S. !!! Simple as that!!! This is whats wrong with people, man...too sensitive. In this situation what will get the job done is sitting him down and being as blunt as you can be. If that happened in my family, my mom would smack me around and my family will make sure I understand the question, "WHAT KIND OF MAN LETS HIS GIRLFRIEND BEAT HIM????" What the hell is that? This thread just pissed me off. I am sure your son is a good man for holding off on hitting his girlfriend, that's respectful, but he needs a rude awakening for the best of him. Think about it...what kind of father would he be...what kind of husband...what kind of man if he lets his OWN GIRLFRIEND beat him??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurian Posted June 10, 2008 Share Posted June 10, 2008 Abusers, male or female, are masterminds at making anything the victim`s fault. Maybe he really believes he "provoked" her to attack him. If she`s been grinding down his self-esteem and blaming him for things over and over, he could be feeling like he deserves this treatment. Its not about being "manly" - its about being brainwashed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted June 10, 2008 Author Share Posted June 10, 2008 Abusers, male or female, are masterminds at making anything the victim`s fault. Maybe he really believes he "provoked" her to attack him. If she`s been grinding down his self-esteem and blaming him for things over and over, he could be feeling like he deserves this treatment. Its not about being "manly" - its about being brainwashed. And I second this.......I was abused by my ex boyfriend. I was completely brainwashed by him. He almost made it seem like it was a natural thing to happen. *Just a quick note about him. He is making the effort to come around a little more. He is coming for a visit tomorrow. I am going to try and sit down and just talk to him. Not going to bash him or put him down. He gets that enough already at home from her. I will keep everyone updated. Thanks to all that have expressed their concern... It means a lot to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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