Over a Month, Still Obsessed

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You know, running into an ex is a lot like seeing a ghost! It is very unsettling and traumatic, but the thing to remember is that the person you see really isn't there for you at all, and you now live on different planes of existence.

 

There is obviously a strong part of you that is still trying to tie her to you. If the person you love isn't available, you rake over every little detail or remembrance you can find of the person. The internet really makes it worse because you can visit their online lives to catch little glimpses of her.

 

But you need to remind yourself she really is gone, and these contacts are like seeing a ghost. She just isn't in your world anymore, and you need to think of this contact as that and tell yourself the person your loved is gone, moved on, in her own world now, not yours.

 

It is hard, but better than living for her when she isn't in your world anymore. Don't try to see her or show her you don't care anymore, because you obviously do. Just take time to feel your grief, stay away from her, and stop trying to see her ghost online or in clubs or anywhere else.

[GeorgeC]

Well, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

 

This morning, she called me completely out of the blue. We talked for a little bit and she offered to do the following:

 

- Get me a job in her home country with her parents' company (something that me and her discussed while we were dating)

- Meet me for lunch today

- Meet me for lunch on Thursday

- Help me pick out a pair of sunglasses

- Stop by my place

 

I'm not making this up!

 

Of course, there was a catch - in return, she asked that I help her out with writing a one-page summary for a project she's doing at work. I agreed primarily because of curiosity.

 

Then we met up for lunch and she was shockingly nice. She was downright flirty and kept referring to me as "zaya" (which is Russian for "bunny" - one of those cute words you give to each other in a relationship).

 

I didn't manage to get the paper done on time, so I'm meeting her in town later tonight and we'll work on it at my place to finish it.

 

So far, so good right? (Well, almost, there's still a good chance she's just using me).

 

But if it wasn't for the paper, this would've been classic "Get your ex back" behavior - invite them over for lunch, then see how much further you can take it.

 

Now that's the bad part...

 

I just spoke to a friend of hers and she told me she had been dating a guy since 2005 - in other words, exactly since we started dating. I've known the guy for years because he was constantly around her, but I didn't give it much thought because she never gave me any reasons to question her faithfulness. I admit I was concerned about whether she was using me - but I never for a moment suspected that they were dating.

 

So, anyway, now her friend is telling me that she had been cheating on me during the WHOLE of our 2.5 year relationship! I think the enormity of it is still too much for me to absorb - I know they dated at least after I broke up with her, but I didn't think that she had been lying to me ever since.

 

The friend in question has no reasons to lie to me that I know of - but I'm really, really shocked and I'm still not sure if I fully believe her.

 

I'm just so utterly confused right now... I desperately love that girl, but now I'm afraid I'll never find out the truth - and I'm scared that if I push her on this, I'd wreck any chances of being with her again (and she'll probably not tell me the truth anyway).

 

It's completely crazy and I just wish there was a way to just switch off my head or something to escape this constant uncertainty, ambiguity, stream of questions and doubts, what ifs, did he/did she...

 

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

[DJC]

wow, thats horrible, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I believe though that it is a sign of closure. If she wasn't faithful to you for 2.5 years then you have to ask yourself would you truly be happy to be back together with her knowing this now?

[Suzanne1281]

Morning come and gone - so 12 hours since I texted her back... And no news... I'm starting to worry if maybe I said something wrong in my previous message that she misinterpreted as a sign that I'm not interested?

 

George, I know how hard this whole thing is and how hard it is to get over an ex, even if they've treated you badly. It's even harder when they do LC with you and you wonder what it means.

 

However, please read your own posts. You are deconstructing every single little thing you say and do and it's stressing you out. Nothing in your message is a sign you aren't interested. My ex just did all of this to me and I drove myself crazy wondering just what you are and deconstructing everything I said and did if I didn't get the response I wanted out of him. Think about it: is having to go through all of this to figure her out psychologically a sign that it will ever be a stable relationship?

 

I have to tell you: nothing good is going to come of this. Honestly, having been in this situation, I am giving you this advice: if you really need to, find out exactly what she wants. It may not be the response you want, but you are driving yourself crazy and need to get your answer.

 

I agree with what everyone else says on here: you deserve a healthy, happy relationship with a woman who truly respects you. I went through this same thing with a guy who is not emotionally healthy and is back with his previous girlfriend who isn't too healthy either. The only way it got through my head was to get my ex to fess up. People on here say NC and act aloof, etc...but if you need your closure, you need to get it for your own good.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Ok... she doesn't contact you at all, then she calls laying on the charm, BUT it has a catch, she wants you to do her work for her.

 

Manipulative people are very skilled at pushing your buttons. They know what you want to hear, and they use it to get what they want. She knows you want her and contact with her, so she's calling you pet names and 'oh, by the way can you do this one little thing for me.'

 

I just read another thread about the same thing, a guy whose ex met up with him, charmed him, then said, 'oh by the way can you watch my dog for 3 weeks'.

 

You have to be REALLY careful when someone acts like they want to see you, then there is a string attached, that you do something for them.

 

She should want to see you for YOU and nothing else. Any other motives have to be thought suspect, until proven otherwise. If she calls you again and just wants to see you, then maybe i'd think it sincere.

 

But if she has been cheating with some other guy (or guys) the entire time she was with you, this is not a person you can ever trust. She sounds quite manipulative, so keep your guard up.

[ycmanvs]

This must be an extremely confusing situation for you. You still have some feelings for her, so the best thing to do is to avoid her and not talk to her at all. However, it seems that you are not capable of ignoring her. So, do the next best thing and keep your eyes open. She is trying to use you to do her work for her. You said that she is offering to help you get a job. Is this what you think is best for you?

If you can take the job without expecting to get back with her, then go for it. Otherwise, if you have any expectations of a reconciliation, you will be devastated.

 

You now know that she was unfaithful. Is that what you want out of relationship?

 

Please stay away from her.

[karvala]

Hi again, George. I'm between trips at present, so with very little time to think and write properly here, but for now I'll repeat this, from my very first post in this thread

 

 

 

I'm sorry to say it, and I feel bad for you, but I'm 99% sure that her friend is telling you the truth. The terms narcissist or even sociopath are used far too often here in labelling people who basically behave badly, but in this case I think she really has got a personality disorder. That's nothing of an excuse, I should stress, and you should not for a moment give her the benefit of any remaining doubt or make yet another attempt to find the magic formula to make it work, because there isn't one.

 

Push her on it or don't, it won't really make any difference. She will deny it at first, but unlike many cheaters, she won't maintain that defence for very long, because she will want to unburden herself, and deep down she's not capable of really believing that she's done anything wrong, so you can count on it somehow being turned round to make you the guilty one. Certainly don't expect to see any serious remorse.

 

And of course, I'll say it again: this is only going to end when you stop going back for more. At this point, I'd almost be inclined to tell *you* to go to counselling for a while to help you to find the strength to actually do this, which you desperately need to do for the sake of your own future life and sanity.

[GeorgeC]

Bumping an old thread for a quick update - basically to say that you can't enter the same river twice.

 

We started talking 2-3 months after the break-up and eventually got back together (on my initiative). I was rather hoping that she had learned from her mistakes and actually took the time to analyze why I dumped her the first time around.

 

Boy, was I wrong.

 

We're now about a month into our relationship - if you can call that sham that - and I'm pretty much at the point where I'm about to dump her again this weekend. Between unreturned phonecalls ("But, baby, I had no credit on my phone and I don't have a landline!") and her refusal to add me as her friend on Facebook ("But, baby, I haven't had time to check it since I came back from vacation" - even though I can see she was online on FB for three days now), it's just not the kind of relationship I want to be in.

 

We've agreed that I'll spend the night at her place this coming weekend - but, knowing her, she will probably end up going out and cancel me at the last minute. I fully expect that to happen, and will use it as an opportunity to tell her to go f*** herself, this time for good.

 

The good side is, I've now had all the closure I could ever ask for. I don't know whether she treats me like this because she's dating someone else or she's just like that to all her boyfriends - if it's the former, then she's a sl**; if it's the latter, then there's no way she'll ever have a satisfying relationship. with anyone.

 

Either way, she's not the right girl for me. There are some things about her that I truly admire - such as her looks, her taste in clothing and her expensive lifestyle - but I think I can have them in a lot of other women without putting up with all the crap she keeps sending my way no matter what I do.

 

Well, all's well that end's well, and I think this is a better ending that I could've hoped for - I'm not the one being dumped, and this time, I know I'm doing it because she just doesn't deserve me.

 

And if things go the way I think they will, I'm taking a trip to a city where no one knows me and, ahem, spending some of my salary on having a little bit of discrete fun. Think what you will on me, but, to me, it sounds like a great way to get over my soon-to-be ex.

 

 

[IMAbadman]

I say kick her to the curb. She doesn't sound worthy.

 

Actually, why not play her game. See her when you're horny or when it's convenient for you. Other than that give her no interest. In the mean time find yourself another squeeze and then cut the cord. Just my rambling thoughts at 6:30 AM...