Over a Month, Still Obsessed

[GeorgeC]

******MAJOR UPDATE******

 

Today is my 25th birthday, and she just called me, without any reminding and prompting on my part! We haven't communicated since I bumped into her a week or two ago (see earlier post).

 

It was really weird. I was just sitting there minding my business when she called. She sounded very sincere with her Happy Birthday wishes and we probably talked for a bit longer than I would have expected. In fact, she sounded like an old friend - it wasn't the kind of "Hi, Happy Birthday, bye" kind of abrupt call that I was expecting.

 

So, anyway, we started talking about presents and she said she'd have bought me a present, but didn't know what (I'm a high-tech guy - a geek, almost - and she doesn't really know anything about computer accessories). I jokingly said that there's a new video card coming out on June 17th (nVidia GTX 280) which will retail at $649; she laughed and asked if there's anything else I wanted.

 

I replied that I have one thing in mind but said I couldn't tell her because she'd go and buy it, and we can't have that. I made her promise that she won't buy it, and then mentioned that it's a blue Ermenegildo Zegna shirt (for around $230). She immediately asked my size and preferred colour; when I reminded her that she promised not to buy me anything, she replied with "George, you know I don't keep my promises." I laughed and said, "Yes, THAT I know."

 

So, anyway, she offered to meet me at my house some time later tonight to drop the present off, but stated very clearly that she won't come up. I accepted, so I guess I will be seeing her later tonight.

 

Comments? Feedback? What's going on?

 

I know she's dating someone right now, and I just hope she'll have the courtesy not to bring him along when she comes to see me tonight...

[feelinblu]

Don't read too much into this. It's quite possible she feels bad about everything, or maybe her new guy is not giving her much attention, so she's coming to you..... just be careful. Don't talk to her about the relationship, just keep it casual. Let her do the talking. Keep us posted

 

And....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!

[GeorgeC]

Well, as was to be expected, really... She promised to call me regarding when she'll drop by to give me that shirt.

 

And, of course, she never called back, so I spent my entire damn 25th birthday periodically checking my cell phone to see if I have any missed messages or calls.

 

It's now Tuesday evening, so even if her mobile was out of credit - as it often is - she could've e-mailed me or called me from work.

 

So far, I haven't heard from her since, but unfortunately after that phone call I just can't get her out of my head. The fact that I discovered that a woman I was actively pursuing is already seeing someone didn't make things any better, either. She (let's call her Kate) did a great job of keeping my mind off my ex - but not anymore.

 

So here we are... One damn phone call and the whole effort of not thinking about her for the past two months gone to waste...

[karvala]

Oh Dear. To be honest, I nearly replied to your last post saying "let's see if she turns up first", because I suspected that she wouldn't, but then I thought it was a rather pessimistic thing to say on your birthday. I guess I should have posted it after all.

 

It's not really a surprise; this is her all over: sporadic good moods and intentions amongst an underlying base of selfishness and lack of consideration. It's the same picture as before, and will be for any other contact you have with her.

 

At this point, as much as you can, you should let her go. Phone her and have a final argument first if you like, if it helps with the sense of closure, but then it really must be time to move on and cut her out entirely. You can do without her selfish attitude in your life setting you back when you least need it. Shame about the other woman, although really should heal properly and get over this one first, and then find someone that deserves you and won't treat you badly. If it's any consolation, any guy she's with will end up feeling the same way that you did; she won't treat them any better in the long run.

[GeorgeC]

Karvala,

 

Your feedback is, as usual, invaluable.

 

Based on what you said, I'm considering writing her a letter explaining how what happened on Saturday made me feel. I admit, it's rather difficult to turn around and say to someone who was so sweet and sincere with their happy birthday wishes that her subsequent actions make you feel horrible.

 

Anyway, aside from the explanation, I could mention something to the effect of that if she wants to be in my life, she has to be in it as my girlfriend - or not at all. I am willing to consider another try - purely on my terms, which would be somewhat draconian - but if she's not prepared to contemplate that (and I'd understand her if she wouldn't) - then, for my sake of peace of mind, it's best that we do not contact each other at all.

 

Of course, I would explain all of this in a much more substantial and gentle manner, but that's basically the gist of it.

 

What do you think?

[IMAbadman]

I think you'll get a series of excuses why she didn't call. Or… how about her throwing a tantrum for you even suggesting that she should have kept her promise of calling you? Happened before right? Of course all this will be followed by her feet wiping off some additional debris on her George-mat.

 

Dude…

[karvala]

Personally, I wouldn't do it this way for two reasons. Firstly, if you send a letter, you'll be waiting forever for a reply; it's open-ended, which she loves and you hate. Secondly, I don't think it will achieve what you want. At this point, the objective must realistically be to sever the connection in a way that minimises pain for you in the long run, which means leaving you at least believing that in her mind she still pictures you as a decent guy.

 

You know there's zero chance of her accepting any terms that you might lay down and come back at this time at least (I wish I could say otherwise, but you know the situation), and any attempt to dictate terms to her now will simply emphasise your weak position, since she can (and will) just laugh at them and tell you that she doesn't need you in her life.

 

Instead, if I were you, I'd take the high road at this point, and let her know that you were disappointed she didn't keep her word on your birthday of all days, and that you feel disrespected, and you don't want to be treated like this by someone in your life anymore, so with regret you have to have no further contact with her at all. You can tell her it's just one in a long series of such incidents if she says you're blowing it out of all proportion. Depending on her mood, she may make a vague promise to see you and make it right at some time in the next few days. You should, if you can manage it, refuse all such offers, and walk away with that final bit of control taken back. If you accept an offer like that, the same thing is likely to happen again, and you'll just be back where you are now but feeling even worse.

 

Do it quietly, do it with dignity, tell her even that you're not judging her, but it's just that you're not happy being treated like that, and you would rather not risk being in that position again, and the only way to achieve that is to say goodbye. Trust me, you'll look back on this later and be happy that you did the right thing, and looked a decent and balanced guy, so you can say to yourself at least that you didn't kill off any final chances

with some extreme behaviour that made her feel justified in her own behaviour.

 

I promise you that a year from now you'll be saying "thank goodness I didn't waste more time with her". It'll be a tough road, but the sooner you're on it, the sooner you reclaim your life.

[IMAbadman]

Sound piece of Karvala.

[GeorgeC]

Do you feel this can be accomplished by e-mail? It's not that I'm afraid to talk to her in person, it's just that I'm really scared I might burst into tears if I do talk to her, in person or by phone...

 

I'm just so scared that I'm overreacting or something and in doing so would destroy any future chance... Even after everything that has happened, I still love that girl so, so much... Spoke to some of her good friends, today, they say she's like that to everyone when it comes to her inability to keep her promises...

 

E-mail possible?

[karvala]

Do you feel this can be accomplished by e-mail? It's not that I'm afraid to talk to her in person, it's just that I'm really scared I might burst into tears if I do talk to her, in person or by phone...

 

I'm just so scared that I'm overreacting or something and in doing so would destroy any future chance... Even after everything that has happened, I still love that girl so, so much... Spoke to some of her good friends, today, they say she's like that to everyone when it comes to her inability to keep her promises...

 

E-mail possible?

 

If it were a one-off, you might be overreacting, but it isn't; this is the latest in a long line of such incidents, that drove you to break up with you because you were so sick of it. The only thing that motivates you to potentially change your mind now is the pain, and I completely understand that, but the pain shouldn't be making the decisions. Honestly, at this point it's not an overreaction, and the fact that she's like this to her friends as well simply confirms that the problem is with her, and no amount of tolerance on your side is going to make her better (if anything, quite the opposite). She'll simply keep doing it, you'll keep getting sick of it, breakup again, and in the same position again but having had a few more months of heartache.

 

If you need to do it by e-mail, then fair enough. It does leave it open, and it also gives her as much time as she wants to invent in her own mind a thousand reasons why she did what she did, and how you're really to blame for it, and it may also look to her like you can't face her (i.e. she may interpret it was more weakness on your side, and weakness is something she clearly hates). Nevertheless, I do understand your fears, and phoning her or seeing her and breaking down wouldn't be too good either, so perhaps e-mail is the best of a bad lot in this case.

 

I know that you still love her, and that you wish she would just come back and start treating you properly. It's impossible to know whether or not that will happen in the future, but certainly it will not happen for now if she thinks you will run back to her no matter what she does. She needs to believe she's really lost you, that she's driven you away, and have some distance from you as well, before she'll be prepared to take a hard look at how really treated you, without any other agenda in her mind. Then, who knows what might happen, but I hope by that point you will be happily with someone else who will treat you better anyway.

[GeorgeC]

Well, folks, I've made my decision.

 

I just e-mailed her a rough e-mail saying that I was pretty offended by what she did.

 

However, I did NOT tell her not to contact me again.

 

Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain why. I'm not a big fan of burning any bridges. Really, I'm not. And if there's one thing my experience with Kate has taught me, it's that I was pretty quick to more or less get my ex out of my head as soon as someone potentially significant showed up. Factor in the reality that, in half a year, neither me nor my ex might still be in Geneva (or Switzerland, for that matter), and we're pretty much set to resolve this issue one way or another without explicit instructions not to contact each other.

 

I don't know why... It isn't even love... It's just a gut feeling that telling her NEVER to contact me again would've been the wrong thing to do... Karvala, I know you did your best, and I realize that this is the first time we significantly disagree on this issue... For all its worth, I hope you don't consider my decision as wasted effort on your part...

[karvala]

No, not wasted effort. I can give my best suggestions, but there's certainly no obligation to follow them. I hope it works out well with you either way. Keep us posted.

[GeorgeC]

Well, I e-mailed her yesterday - she replied by saying sorry she didn't call back (without giving any reasons) and said she didn't come because, in her words, there was no reason for her to come.

 

I asked her how the heck that is even possible considering that she was the one who offered to come in the first place.

 

She replied with "Sorry, I hope you had fun!!! Take care".

 

I didn't want to make another argument, so I just e-mailed back saying "Ok, I give up on ever trying to understand how your mind works... It's just not possible See you around sometime."

 

From what she wrote, it looks like she just used my birthday as a way to see whether I still care - and, if yes, how much. Do you agree/disagree with this assertion?

 

I guess at this point I'm resuming NC... again. It's pretty obvious that someone who treats me like that on my birthday just doesn't deserve me.

 

EDIT: For those of you who have been following this thread for some time now... Don't you think it's odd that she keeps sporadically contacting me every now and again? Is she trying to have revenge on me for breaking up with her by continuously messing with mmy head?

[GeorgeC]

Well, I guess now that we've reached the end of the line here (I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my other post, but I'm obviously resuming NC after what she did - and this time, this is NC aimed not at getting her back, but getting myself back).

 

Still, I think after all of this there's only one question that really bothers me - why did she treat me so? I hate to whine and complain but I genuinely went out of my way to really be there for that girl no matter what.

 

With her lifestyle (she comes from a very well-off family, whereas I'm more of a middle-class guy), I guess you could say I may not have been giving her everything she wanted - but, without ringing my own bell, I think it's also fair to say that I gave her everything I COULD.

 

Karvala, I know you noted that she has some psychological problems (which you described as "very real") in your previous post, so I was wondering if you could possibly elaborate on that.

 

I guess at the end of the day I just don't understand... Aside from using me throughout the relationship, she had no hesitations about using my 25th birthday as a way to remind me about herself to see whether I still care (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her actions on my birthday and her subsequent feedback - see the thread above).

 

I'll be the first to admit that there were things I should've done differently. For starters, I had no right to check her e-mail after I broke up with her, and I had no right to accuse her of cheating on the basis of photographs I found there without giving her a chance to explain her actions (I found those photos two weeks after I broke up with her, so it would've been an awkward conversation, to say the least). And I guess you can say that breaking up with her by text after 3 years wasn't exactly fair - but, considering how she spoke to me the evening she broke up, she was genuinely the last person I ever wanted to see again.

 

So, I know what I did some things wrong... But, Jesus, is it really enough to make her hate me this much and make her forget everything we had? She told me once that she always tries to break up with a guy first if she senses that a break-up is coming and that she makes herself hate her ex-boyfriends afterwards - is that what she's doing right now?

 

Right now, I cannot help feeling that I've wasted three years of my life on that woman (21 - 24 - those are particularly precious years to waste), and in the end it seems that I'm the one being hated, in spite of everything I have done and in spite of dropping everything to be there for her.

 

Karvala, I know you explained in one of your earliest posts that my assistance to her only bred more and more resentment - but how twisted does a person really have to be to ruin someone's 25th birthday just to see whether their ex still cares?

 

I'd love to say that I feel stupid after all of it, but that would be an understatement. I know I'm partially to blame for allowing myself to be treated in this manner - the writing was on the wall all the time, but I just chose to close my eyes and run into it headfirst, regardless, simply because I felt that, as my girlfriend, she is generally entitled to the benefit of the doubt.

 

I played mental tricks with myself, silencing my own doubts and eventually even blaming myself for not trusting her enough. And, at the end of the day, she has her MBA degree and a boyfriend - and I'm sitting here single, emotionally unstable and writing long ranting posts on a forum full of strangers because even my friends are getting sick and tired of my constant monologues about my ex.

 

I'm just so bloody tired... I wish I was earning enough money to buy the stuff I need to get over this break-up - expensive clothing, women and all other sorts of things that many regard as materialistic and that yet help fill that void inside you with decadence and luxury.

 

Instead, three years down the line, after dating someone I genuinely thought I will marry one day, I'm left with a part-time job, no work permit, no immediate prospects in life except for relocation back to Eastern Europe and a stand-still Internet Marketing business (no, I won't plug in any affiliate links here, don't worry).

 

I really think this is the end of the line, as I wrote in the beginning of this long-winded and, upon reflection, rather pointless post. Although I didn't tell her so, I'm resuming NC and will not return any attempts from her at communication - and I suspect they WILL follow, considering that she'll likely want to continue playing her stupid little game with me to see whether I still jump when she says so.

 

I'm exhausted - and, worst of all, I love her still, no matter how much I keep telling myself that it is stupid, pointless and that she's not the kind of person who deserves any affection from me.

 

/George

[ycmanvs]

You have to stop wondering WHY she does what she does. That is why NC works because you slowly start to focus on yourself and you start to live your life without worrying about the ex.

A lot of ex's contact eachother when they are feeling lonely, but that does not mean that they want to get back together. They just like the safety of the familiar. They want the attention. The more you give them attention, the more they will abuse it. Just break the cycle.

[Priphea]

Well, I e-mailed her yesterday - she replied by saying sorry she didn't call back (without giving any reasons) and said she didn't come because, in her words, there was no reason for her to come.

 

I asked her how the heck that is even possible considering that she was the one who offered to come in the first place.

 

She replied with "Sorry, I hope you had fun!!! Take care".

 

I didn't want to make another argument, so I just e-mailed back saying "Ok, I give up on ever trying to understand how your mind works... It's just not possible See you around sometime."

 

/George

 

 

She's bat{edit} crazy and an inconsiderate, selfish attention {edit}

Forget about her and don't look back.

[IMAbadman]

George we all talked about what you should expect from her.

 

Now quit being a doormat and kick that {edit} to the curb.

[GeorgeC]

Well, just a quick update. I initiated firm NC (even went so far as deleting all her Facebook friends) and forced to stop compulsively checking her HI5 and Facebook profiles every day.

 

So far, so good - except that tonight, while waiting for a free table at the local nightclub, I managed to dump into her, her current boyfriend (also the guy she cheated on me with) and her best friend - all in the space of 15 minutes (though, luckily, not at the same time).

 

I pretended not to notice her boyfriend, politely nodded at her and chatted for a bit with her best friend.

 

The good news is, I didn't get that heart-throbbing feeling of "OMG I want her back so badly!" when I saw her - if anything, it was dislike over what she did and over running into her and thereforeee spoiling what was otherwise promising to be a great night out.

 

The bad news is, in spite of all my reasonable efforts, it seems we somehow bump into each other every two weeks (see the thread) - at the bus stop, on my way from the gym, on my birthday or at the nightclub.

 

So yeah, hard to get over someone when you keep being reminded of them in one way or another.

 

With that said, I'm kind of pleased that what I feel towards her is strong dislike rather than the temptation to have a conversation with her about bringing her back. It seems - though I might be wrong - that I may have finally passed that line where your desire to get someone back ends and readiness to move on with your life begins.

[GeorgeC]

Well, maybe I was a little bit hasty when I said I crossed the point of no return.

 

When I fell asleep that night, I had what was possibly one of the worst nights of my life. Between 4AM and 10AM, I kept waking up and falling asleep again, and all that time I was having the same nightmare.

 

It was pretty funny now that I think about it - but it sure didn't feel funny back then. I dreamed that I came home and kept wanting to check her Facebook and Hi5 profiles for pictures of her. I also kept thinking there was a site full of her pictures somewhere out there, but I just couldn't remember its URL.

 

And then there was another part of me telling me that if I go back to checking her Facebook/Hi5 profiles on a daily basis, I will fall back into the old pattern of obsessively thinking about her day and night. Several days ago, I made a conscious decision to avoid doing these things because I realized they were preventing me from moving on - and I guess my subconsciousness manifested that struggle during my sleep.

 

All in all, it was a rather unpleasant night - during my intermittent waking moments, I kept forcing myself to start thinking about a girl I met not so long ago and was briefly interested in - although nothing worked out, I use her as a psychological ploy to refocus my mind on someone other than my ex.

 

She's still on my mind today - and I will be seeing a lot more of her best friend because she goes to the same gym as me - so I really hope this doesn't delay the healing process.

 

Sometimes, it seems, people just don't get out of your life no matter what you do...

[GeorgeC]

On the verge of tears and depressed for the first time in a month... I guess I have some twisted affection towards her still, in spite of everything she's done (and God knows she messed up my life enough).

 

In fact, I've recently been alternating between euphoric swings of happiness followed by bouts of depression, particularly when it's a lovely summer evening outside, the kind that makes you wish you weren't single.

 

Sorry for using this forum to rant - somehow, posting these things makes everything that little bit more bearable, and there's something to be said about the relative anonymity of the Internet.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Hi George... Yes, seeing an ex we are not fully over can give a really wide range of feelings from anger to abandonment... So just be kind to yourself and try to ride it like a wave.

 

Just remind yourself how you do have moments of clarity and feel better, and it is just when you see her again that you have these moments of feelng much worse. Over time you will spend more time feeling better, and less time feeling worse.

 

Next time you run into her, do yourself one better and just turn around and walk the other way without talking to her. The less contact you have, the less it throws you back into pain and memory.

[GeorgeC]

Hi George... Yes, seeing an ex we are not fully over can give a really wide range of feelings from anger to abandonment... So just be kind to yourself and try to ride it like a wave.

 

Just remind yourself how you do have moments of clarity and feel better, and it is just when you see her again that you have these moments of feelng much worse. Over time you will spend more time feeling better, and less time feeling worse.

 

Next time you run into her, do yourself one better and just turn around and walk the other way without talking to her. The less contact you have, the less it throws you back into pain and memory.

 

You're right, of course... What really freaks me out is the fact that simply seeing her for no more than 10 seconds was enough to send me back into sobbing uncontrollably and chain-smoking like a chimney. It was a bit of a delayed response (I saw her on Saturday night, but the depression bout did not come until Sunday evening) and it only lasted for about 30 minutes, but it was fairly unpleasant still.

 

And I guess the other part that really stings is the fact that she can just walk past me with little more than a surprised stare and a smile - and that's after a 2.5 year relationship. To be sure, as anyone who read this thread in its entirety knows, there's a 90% chance she never cared all that much for me to begin with (in fact, there's a strong possibility that she started dating her current boyfriend LONG before I broke up with her).

 

Regardless, however, there's a part of me that wishes she'd at least stop by and talk with me for a few (like her friend did). I know that I was the one who initiated NC, and that she fully deserved it, and that any form of contact with her would set me back even further... But I still can't help wishing things were just a bit bloody different...

 

What a stupid way to waste almost three years of my life all of this was...

[ycmanvs]

I completely understand how you feel.

Is there any way that you could try going to places that she would never visit? At least for the next couple of months? It seems that the fact you see her every couple of weeks is preventing you from being able to move on.

 

You have to try and put the relationship behind you, as much as it hurts. Don't look at it as wasting 3 years of your life, but look as it as a life lesson learned.

[GeorgeC]

I completely understand how you feel.

Is there any way that you could try going to places that she would never visit? At least for the next couple of months? It seems that the fact you see her every couple of weeks is preventing you from being able to move on.

 

You have to try and put the relationship behind you, as much as it hurts. Don't look at it as wasting 3 years of your life, but look as it as a life lesson learned.

 

Well, there are really only two upscale nightclubs in Geneva, and generally the one she goes to is the most popular one (and also usually the one all my friends visit).

 

Plus, I think there's some twisted part of me that, on the one hand, hopes to prove to her how much I have moved on by letting her see me clubbing (something I never did with her during our relationship because she always got wasted and started acting like she was on Girls Gone Wild), having lost a fair amount of weight (which I have), with a trendy new haircut (which is coming as soon as I book an appointment with my local gay hairdresser) and wearing expensive Prada sunglasses (just a question of cash now).

 

Upon reading this, I realize that making an effort to show her how much I've moved on actually only demonstrates that I did NOT move on...

 

On an unrelated note, yesterday I finally broke down and took a sneak peek at her Facebook profile (something I've resisted doing for a few days now). She's got a private profile so I can't see it (thank God for small favours), but I completely freaked out when I saw her profile picture has changed to a close-up shot of two people kissing (you can only see the lips).

 

I swear, I had spent the next hour or so comparing the skin colour of one of the... lips on the picture with that of her presumed current boyfriend wondering if that's him, or if it's just another woman she's kissing (she did that when she got drunk, which I hated) - or if it's just a random Googled image altogether. This is complete madness and I realize it but... I just can't stop myself.

 

It's a stupid way of inflicting emotional pain upon yourself, but I just can't seem to stop... I was actually having nightmares afterwards when I dreamed of her current boyfriend dying in a car crash...

[ycmanvs]

Stop it right now. Stop the OCD. Get a haircut for you, not because you want to make her jealous. Go to clubs because you want to have fun, not because you want to show her how much fun you are having. Live for yourself.

I have to take my own advice, but it helps to tell you what to do....