Somewhere to Write

[Kamue]

I have a diary upstairs in my mom's house. I got it for my birthday this year. Its a beautiful book; soft, leather binding, off-white pages with plenty or writing room. I love it. I often stair at the book and wonder what to write in it.

I haven't written anything in it yet. I am afraid to. I don't want my messy handwriting and cluttered thoughts to taint the book's eloquence.

So here I am, somewhere to write.

***

I had a baby about four months ago. She is a gorgeous child with big, blue eyes and lots of fluffy brown hair. She coos and giggles and squeals in delight. She is smart and more alert than other babies her age. Her name is Antigone Rose.

I got her name from the story "Oedipus Rex". Though she is a child of incest, Antigone is a strong woman; a warrior bound by rational thought and strong morals.

I decided to name my baby Antigone, not so much after the character, but after what she represented in the story.

The other part of her name, Rose, is actually taken from my life. Rose was my dog that died a week after Antigone Rose was born. She was a dalmation I got sometime around five years old. She died of old age the day after I came home with my baby. I feel that Rose waited for me, to make sure I was okay and to see the baby that was named after her. Rose and I were best friends, and even in the afterlife, I know she is here to protect me and to guide my little one.

 

Being a mother is stressful for me. I enjoy doing it, but I feel trapped by my daughter sometimes. I want to date people again, but I am terrified that men won't want to date me because of her. My confidence is almost gone. Before I got pregnant, I was fit and thin and have never felt better about my body. Now I've gained some weight and have stretch marks all over my tummy. It literally looks like I got attacked by some animal. They are horrible stretch marks. My self esteem has taken a beating within the last 13 months.

For the most part, my friends are encouraging the happier side of me. One of them loves my baby, two of them are inspired to have babies--one of which is in a very bad relationship and hates children but is obsessed with me--, one is completely there for me and one wants me to just feel good about myself. However, they are sometimes a tough crowd to please.

 

On an unrelated note, my toe is hurting me and I need to remember to brush my teeth. Tomorrow I have a pediatric appointment for Tiggy Roo (one of Antigone Rose's nickname). Her pediatrician was once my pediatrician and my sister's. Tiggy is her "baby fix" she call's it.

On that lovely note, I am going to put Bitty Rose to bed and watch some "Home Improvement" which, by the way, is one Nick at Nite, which makes no sense to me considering I am only 21 and I watched that show when I was a chitlin. What happened to "I Love Lucy" and "The Jeffereson's"? Weren't they the one's who were on Nick at Nite? I don't even feel old, as a result... Just confused.

[Kamue]

So I keep joining these stupid dating websites to get some validation. Though they usually mean weirdos talking to me, It sure does make me feel good!

Right now, I am ready to punch every tick in the face. They are obbnoxious lil critters.

I'm pretty tired!