ramsickle1369 Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 Because I don't feel like discussing my career plans with someone I barely know and haven't met yet Well, I guess that's your perogative Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 Did it catch you off guard? Personally I'm not keen on questions like that early on either. So what are your career plans for the next 5 years? I feel it's a bit 'intense' for early and you are still trying to figure out if this person and you can be comfortable together, to start with. To me, it's right up there with asking about my income when you don't have a working relationship with me yet. But I don't think this has to do with age. People approach things differently. You didn't care for her approach. Big deal. Next. For some guys out there who spend a lot of time carefully planning out their moves five years from now, and take pride in that type of focus and intensity in their careers, she won't bat an eye. She won't bat an eye with some who aren't those guys too. On your profile, what type of relationship do you have up as saying you are looking for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 24, 2008 Author Share Posted May 24, 2008 LTR, But I found it really funny since she has TWO JOBS and has to work 7 days a week to make ends meet. I should have been asking her what are her 5 year plans?? She is a teacher and I guess they don't make much which is why she is working 7 days a week. I asked her why does she work so much and she said-"trying to get out of debt" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramsickle1369 Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 LTR, But I found it really funny since she has TWO JOBS and has to work 7 days a week to make ends meet. I should have been asking her what are her 5 year plans?? She is a teacher and I guess they don't make much which is why she is working 7 days a week. I asked her why does she work so much and she said-"trying to get out of debt" Sounds like you two just have different mindsets of your goals.... Perhaps you simply aren't compatible? At least she's working on getting out of debt herself instead of trying to find a rich husband! DO you know why she is in so much debt? Perhaps she got stiffed with an ex's bill and that's why she asked? Who knows.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 24, 2008 Author Share Posted May 24, 2008 Sounds like you two just have different mindsets of your goals.... Perhaps you simply aren't compatible? At least she's working on getting out of debt herself instead of trying to find a rich husband! DO you know why she is in so much debt? Perhaps she got stiffed with an ex's bill and that's why she asked? Who knows.... Student Loans Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyblue07 Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 Have you ever had a long term relationship, ConfusedDater? Even if you think this woman's question was a bad idea, well, sometimes people make mistakes. It's quite possible that after you got to know her better you would have found that she has more good qualities that make up for that one lapse. You come accross as a very, very angry person. I think you would be happier if you gave these women more of a chance instead of rejecting them every time they show a sign of not being absolutely perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 CD, I'm not trying to insult you or anything, because I hope you find a nice girl real soon, but I have to say you know nothing about women. She was just trying to be friendly and you say you will never call her again. It is not these women's fault you are still single, it is yours! Learn what women are all about and then if you don't like us, feel free to be single. You are one uptight dude! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 Because I don't feel like discussing my career plans with someone I barely know and haven't met yet if you feel this helps you - i try to answer questions like this that i am not quite comfortable answering by being as vague as possible, but still enough to satisfy them. like maybe something like, 'i'd like to stay in this sector, but switch to management. maybe move to the city, but am not really sure yet. so much can change in 5 years, you never know!' i do say that a lot whenever a guy asks me (and they do ask me quite often what my future plans are...) but like i said - if someone's future plans include moving to france or joining the circus or raising llamas in the himalayas, you can see why it's a good question to ask early on, so that you're not dating for months before you discover that person is leaving the country or something like that, that's a dealbreaker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
servedcold Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 I've dated probably 20 women in the last three years, some 1 hit wonders, some longer term. Have never been asked such a prying question prior to at least the third date, though have been given the red pencil resume' treatment on a first date... we didn't go out again. It's a plainly inappropriate question to ask on a pre-meet phone call taken at face value. Only CD knows her tone and the context though. If he feels like not calling her again because of this, that's his choice. If he wants to pursue her further, his choice also. If he wants to vent about it here, as well as work out other issues, more power to him. He's getting lots of unwarranted flack about this and even some thinly-veiled personal attacks in the thread. Lighten up. I've seen lots of women nix men early on for being much less intrusive, and have a hunch that the replies would be of a much different tenor if OP were female... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramsickle1369 Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 I doubt that it would be any different if the OP was a female. What strikes me isn't the fact the the OP is blowing her off based on this question, it's his apparant demeanor... And the heading, that this will turn off all guys by asking this question...? As I previously stated, they clearly simply aren't a match if such a simple question can send the OP into NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
servedcold Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I doubt that it would be any different if the OP was a female. Eh, maybe so, have a hunch if it were a female OP, posters would call the man in question "creepy" and tell her to move on, and I bet they wouldn't call OP "angry" or say she knew nothing about men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramsickle1369 Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Eh, maybe so, have a hunch if it were a female OP, posters would call the man in question "creepy" and tell her to move on, and I bet they wouldn't call OP "angry" or say she knew nothing about women. Well, that may be true that the line that the OP knows nothing about women is a little off base, but I don't think any man that asked what a woman's 5 year plan was would be considered creepy. Seems to me that the OP is finding simple reasons not to continue getting to know a gal. And I am also guilty of this too, it's not gender specific. It can be simply that he's not ready to get that deep with a woman yet... or at least not this one. Maybe he's not ready to get that involved. I believe this is what is being considered as angry... I do think the OP should move on. No sense in continuing if this kind of thing sets him off... who knows what other question she may ask at the wrong time...?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wurth_skidder Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I don't think any of us have a right to tell him that he did things the wrong way. It's his life, and it's his choice how he wants to handle it. He's the looking for the right woman for him, not for everyone in here saying he's being immature or childish or whatever. I respect the fact that he won't settle for someone who doesn't meet his standards, regardless of whether some of you think those standards are unrealistic or not. Who's to say what's unrealistic? Everyone is different, so it's quite possible he'll find someone who does meet his ideal match. Do I think it was an appropriate question on a second phone call? Yes. Would I have handled it the way he did? No. But like I said, he has to decide who is right for him, not who is right for me. I don't think he handled things incorrectly because he obviously feels strongly enough about it that it's an issue to him. Plain and simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucy__lou Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Hey Confused dater.... I think I replied to a similar thread of yours which said you had a problem women asking if you cook and if you like your job.... I agree that this woman's question about your 5 year plan was a bit formal sounding. But that is only a criticism of her social skills. I am interested as to why you find it intrusive and why it makes you feel uncomfortable. I am usually interested to know other people's career goals, and my motives are usually looking for common interests and passions. I am a curious person, and if I can't get into a person's head a bit when I meet them then that will basically equate to a boring time and I'll move on. For me that's a big part of the fun of meeting people. I think if you are uncomfortable with this stuff though, then just giving allusive answers is the best bet, and move it along. But keep in mind that even though you feel (paranoid) that she' sizing you up, she may not be. She may be curious about you. Unless you are ashamed of yourself then what does it matter? Perhaps you need to be more assertive and direct the conversation in directions which you are comfortable. If you feel that your career is not a big part of who you are, then focus on what you think is a big part of who you are (which you want to share with her) and direct the conversation towards that stuff, whatever it might be. My experience with conversations I have with new people is that if there's a creative playful dynamic, you can get a lot of fun banter in, and it never gets too serious or focussed on yourselves, but if you don't take some initiative in starting up that banter, or even simply asking her questions about stuff which you consider within your comfort zone (perhaps neither about her nor you) then you can't sit back, let her do the work and then complain when she doesn't stick within your area of comfort which she never even knew existed. Personally, I would like it if people asked me about my 5 year career plan, cause I love talking about myself and my dreams and my goals, and love to share that stuff and get people's advice and interest. I personally will take your issues on board and be alert to see if other guys are as uncomfortable with such questions. But I still don't get it.. Maybe you could explain in more detail why you think it is a bad thing? But for your own well being, I think you should try to consider that women who are curious to know you are simply that, curious and there's nothing wrong with that per se. But for whatever reasons (yo don't explain) you are very sensitive to it and you need to set the boundaries in the beginning rather than wait until the damage is done and then being angry that you felt powerless to stop those 'intrusive' questions from being asked. you're playing the victim here because you don't have the skills to prevent the questions from being asked, nor to you have the skills to calmly avoid disclosing such details without getting upset. Get good at those things and it might not upset you so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crosstownTraffic Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I can see you being annoyed confusedDater. it sounds a bit like a question your parents or your dad would be asking you, not a woman you didn't know well, before you meet! There are just some "personal" questions, that are, actually, a bit off-base and shouldn't be asked if you don't know the person well. Sounds like she's feeling you out to see if you are "bf" material. Or maybe "husband" material, who knows? did you ask her why she would ask such a question? That is a thought, when someone asks something that is really none of their business... Just turn it on them, and ask them why they'd be asking such an absurd question in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramsickle1369 Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I don't view this question at all intrusive or absurd. But that's me. I am a goal oriented person and am generally only interested in men that are goal oriented. I guess it would depend on previous conversations with this person. Online dating is often people looking to settle down and asking about future plans certainly falls within the realm of questioning. JMHO... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 I agree that CD has the right to have his own standards, we all do. I would never think that he must do what anyone on this site tells him to do. That would be silly. That being said, he doesn't have the best track record with females. He should, he seems like a man that has a lot to give a woman, if he's only let them. Many women are curious about what a man is going to do with his life. Failing to ask these questions at the beginning can lead a girl to be going out with a "loser". Now, I know CD is far from a loser, but I think he should relax his standards just a bit. If after a couple of months he finds her unacceptable, fine. I can see that. But right off the bat? I don't know about other females, but myself and my friends are very curious creatures and I don't think her question about his future was uncalled for. The full-length picture request, on the other hand, was both rude and weird. That I agree with. I do wish him luck. I want to see the post where he has met Miss Right and they are both happy. I think we all do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Many women are curious about what a man is going to do with his life. Failing to ask these questions at the beginning can lead a girl to be going out with a "loser". personally, i wouldn't advise a woman to ask that question on the first date - it sounds too much like a question you would be asked at a job interview. you might be able to find out similar things during the first conversation without asking point blank. like sometimes i ask 'do you have family in the area?' and they say, 'no - i am from xxxxx, i moved here to start this job, etc.... i am currently taking night classes for an MBA, i hope to be higher up in the company once i earn the degree, but i do visit my family back home once every few months, etc....' you know, things like that, some people just kind of naturally might let slip if you ask an open ended question. or, i asked another guy, 'why did you move to this city?' he said, 'when i was with my wife (now ex-wife), she had a lot of family here and we moved here after graduation to be closer to them. we've since broken up, but i liked this city, so i stayed.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 25, 2008 Author Share Posted May 25, 2008 Now that's how you communicate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramsickle1369 Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Gosh, poor girl. I'm sure she was just interested and would probably be mortified to know that her innocent question was taken so horribly wrong... I just seems a little overly critical to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 LTR, But I found it really funny since she has TWO JOBS and has to work 7 days a week to make ends meet. I should have been asking her what are her 5 year plans?? She is a teacher and I guess they don't make much which is why she is working 7 days a week. I asked her why does she work so much and she said-"trying to get out of debt" You probably could have asked her what her five-year plans are, and she probably wouldn't have freaked out about a simple question. You mentioned a couple of times how this was asked on a Friday night, before a long weekend. Would this question have been okay on a Tuesday night? Seriously, you need to lighten up. It was just a question. You don't have to love the question, but you can still like the person. Everyone makes a misstep now and again. You seem very harsh, judgmental and unforgiving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 25, 2008 Author Share Posted May 25, 2008 You probably could have asked her what her five-year plans are, and she probably wouldn't have freaked out about a simple question. You mentioned a couple of times how this was asked on a Friday night, before a long weekend. Would this question have been okay on a Tuesday night? Seriously, you need to lighten up. It was just a question. You don't have to love the question, but you can still like the person. Everyone makes a misstep now and again. You seem very harsh, judgmental and unforgiving. I think I will give it one more convo and see what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 CD, I have to say--you really seem to be soaking everything in and taking things as constructive criticism. That's great. I wouldn't be surprised if you started having great dating success. You have the right attitude...it's all a learning process. And that's the first step...at least I think it is. I haven't been a particularly successful dater myself so I can't really say, but it sounds sensible! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boo121 Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 HUH?????, I didn't let it show in my voice over the phone but I was very annoyed and she won't be getting anymore calls from me. That is not something I want to discuss with a girl on a friday night mate are you having a laugh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Do you have issues with what you do for a living or that you have no future plans? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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