ghost69 Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Like my mom said the other day, when you have a goal it doesn't mean it's going to happen, you just have something to shoot for. And that's what I'm doing in this case, I would like to reach a 3rd date for the first time in 8 years. Never made it to a 4th date in my life well, you shouldn't have goals in the dating realm. your only goal in dating: 'i'm going to go over there and introduce myself to that girl.' after that. it can go any way. then you take it for what it's worth. you don't jump the gun. you don't set dating goals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drewciouS281 Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 I think ghost and you have this debate pretty clear but from what i have read, your never gonna get to your goal with this attitude. NEEEEVVVEERRR!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PixelPusher Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Wow, 23 pages! I think you have the longest threads here, CD. I'm really torn on what advice to give, honestly. I kinda see where you are coming from in that certain questions are a bit more awkward than others if you haven't met. But on the other hand, it sounds to me like this woman was just plain nervous and wasn't sure what to ask. Let's be honest. Online dating is SO un-natural because we all can analyze each other's profiles, make judgments based on a crappy, low-res photo and three paragraphs. We build up these potential people to the point that when we really talk to them via phone or in person, they don't meet our expectations. Frankly, even if you think the question was out of place or you don't like talking about work on the weekend, just loosen up a bit and let it go! Make a humorous comment like "In five years I plan on being covered in tapioca pudding 24-hours a day" or something like that. You may write off a potential GREAT person because she nervously asked a question that was on your "no-no" checklist. You think you're great material to date... how would you like it if some woman wrote you off because your hands shook the first time you met her? You wouldn't... so give the woman a break and some time to either prove one way or the other what kind of person she is. And you might even break your 4-date ceiling. You claim to not want scripted, awkward conversations, but sorry... that is what dating IS at first. You are JUST as scripted as they are, but you're not admitting to it. Just know, early conversations are almost always strange, and only after a little time together, will that comfort come around to be a bit more natural. For what it's worth, my girlfriend of 2-years and I had VERY deep discussions about the future, our thoughts on debt, politics, finances, family... everything. We had lunch pretty much every day (worked close to each other) and from day one of just getting to know each other, asked deep questions. They could easily have been interpreted as an "interview" but we chose to view it as learning about each other. The only way to NOT be scripted and calm is to take what comes... even if it is a question you don't feel is appropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 28, 2008 Share Posted May 28, 2008 Like my mom said the other day, when you have a goal it doesn't mean it's going to happen, you just have something to shoot for. And that's what I'm doing in this case, I would like to reach a 3rd date for the first time in 8 years. Never made it to a 4th date in my life CD - maybe it's time for some self-examination here...... why do you think you've never been on a 4th date in your life? isn't the common denominator here you, not these women you are going on dates with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 CD - maybe it's time for some self-examination here...... why do you think you've never been on a 4th date in your life? isn't the common denominator here you, not these women you are going on dates with? Shyness is the reason Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Shyness is the reason why do you say that? don't you get over the 'shyness' thing after the first meeting or two? it seems like the issue isn't that you're shy, but that you're disqualifying a lot of potentially good matches early on for somewhat trivial matters. maybe you are unconfident, are afraid of women, are afraid to date, or are afraid of committment? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 29, 2008 Author Share Posted May 29, 2008 why do you say that? don't you get over the 'shyness' thing after the first meeting or two? it seems like the issue isn't that you're shy, but that you're disqualifying a lot of potentially good matches early on for somewhat trivial matters. maybe you are unconfident, are afraid of women, are afraid to date, or are afraid of committment? I was giving you the OVERALL reason why I haven't made it to a 4th date Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 I was giving you the OVERALL reason why I haven't made it to a 4th date ok, so more specifically, what are the reasons? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 29, 2008 Author Share Posted May 29, 2008 ok, so more specifically, what are the reasons? Being too shaky and quiet on a first date Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Being too shaky and quiet on a first date that can explain why you don't get a second date, but what about a 4th? you seem to have gotten past that stage before, but why not further? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 29, 2008 Author Share Posted May 29, 2008 that can explain why you don't get a second date, but what about a 4th? you seem to have gotten past that stage before, but why not further? Insecurity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Insecurity ok - so do you think that maybe you're rejecting all these girls early on for relatively superficial reasons (ie, wearing tube socks and man slippers, asking about your 5 year plan before meeting, etc..... ) because you're really afraid to get to know them and have them reject YOU for some reason of their own? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 29, 2008 Author Share Posted May 29, 2008 ok - so do you think that maybe you're rejecting all these girls early on for relatively superficial reasons (ie, wearing tube socks and man slippers, asking about your 5 year plan before meeting, etc..... ) because you're really afraid to get to know them and have them reject YOU for some reason of their own? No the insecurity was in the past, if I called a girl and she wasn't available after the first date the next day, I thought she was playing games not realizing that she was just making herself seem busy because it was the next day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 No the insecurity was in the past, if I called a girl and she wasn't available after the first date the next day, I thought she was playing games not realizing that she was just making herself seem busy because it was the next day or maybe she actually WAS busy with her own life, work, friends.....? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 29, 2008 Author Share Posted May 29, 2008 or maybe she actually WAS busy with her own life, work, friends.....? Yes and I was too stupid and insecure to realize that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramsickle1369 Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Like my mom said the other day, when you have a goal it doesn't mean it's going to happen, you just have something to shoot for. And that's what I'm doing in this case, I would like to reach a 3rd date for the first time in 8 years. Never made it to a 4th date in my life I dunno if ths is helpful or not, but perhaps your goal should be a little higher? I mean, reaching a second date isn’t much of an accomplishment. What will you do after the second date? What magically happens then? What have been the reasons you aren’t reaching date #2? Are you asking and they aren’t responding or are they asking and you aren’t responding? No the insecurity was in the past, if I called a girl and she wasn't available after the first date the next day, I thought she was playing games not realizing that she was just making herself seem busy because it was the next day Or maybe she actually was NOT available that day? Ever think of that? I realize many people do play games, but what we all seem to be “games” is really the other person’s life. You either fit in it or you don’t. Yes and I was too stupid and insecure to realize that OK, so now you do realize these things, right? So what about the rest? Here’s something fun to try… just go with it—nerves and all… I wonder where you’d find yourself if you simply threw caution into the wind and went along for the ride? Yes, you can (and likely will) get hurt. It’s all part of learning about OURSELVES. Have you ever detailed what you really value? Is it the conversation starter or the conversation itself? Maybe you could get used to answering some of those perceived “scripted” questions with responses comfortable to you? Then it wouldn’t be such a turn off because you’d be ready for it. Heck, it might even make you giggle knowing that many many people ask the same questions over and over… ??? Have you ever evaluated the things YOU do that maybe you could do differently to get to that 4th date? How do you respond to these questions that you want to be given an opportunity to elaborate on? Try elaborating anyway, whether the question calls for it or not. Heck, elaborate on any random thought you have rather than waiting to be asked about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedDater Posted May 29, 2008 Author Share Posted May 29, 2008 Why wouldn;t reaching a second date be a big accomplishment if I hadn;t made it to a second date in 8 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramsickle1369 Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Why wouldn;t reaching a second date be a big accomplishment if I hadn;t made it to a second date in 8 years? Well, why haven't you "made" it? What have been the circumstances? I have seen many questions posed to you that would really help you if you thought about them and truly discussed them. Do you really think every single issue had to do solely with the girls you've been meeting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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