What to do when...

[independantgal]

you have large feelings of insecurity that you can't seem to shift

 

Whenever im not in a rship or "into" anyone I am completley fine. Always happy, making jokes I think i'm a genuine nice, friendly person. Although whenever I get into anything with a guy for some reason I become very insecure. I manage to hold back a lot of my feelings and they never surface, but i've been hurt in the past where guys have just "got bored" and stopped making as much effort with me and I have no idea why? I honestly don't feel like I change at all. Ever since those moments i've been extremley insecure about it. I met a guy once and we both confided in each other about never finding the right people and he seemed to think exactly the same thing as me. Things went great for a few months then he just got bored? and i got 'friendzoned'.

 

I'm just never proved wrong and before i go into anything new I just think that this person will be no different then the rest, it just hurts because I honestly believe that I do not change and I do not show any kind of insecurity to them.

 

Although now I feel like I have fallen for a guy and recently I let my insecurity about it surface, I told him that he should get rid of me because I'll only end up getting hurt...I felt like I was actually trying to sabotage anything that we might have/have had, no idea why I do that either.

 

When I have a feeling of insecurity I feel anxious, down, and I have no idea what to do with myself, I cant cry, my heart just starts beating really fast and I tend to do stupid things.....why? I need a lot of help with this

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think perhaps reading some books on developing self-esteem might be helpful. You have to work on training your mind not to go to the dark places...and to snap out of it the minute your mind starts getting the insecurity thoughts.

[independantgal]

Yeah I've recently bought a book that has a section on self esteem but its elements of it that I feel don't really apply to me. It talks about knowing whats good about yourself etc. I don't mean to sound shallow here but I already know whats good about myself.

 

I think it might be an element of feeling like i'm always being treated wrongly...although i might not necessarily be. Its a different form of insecurity.

[CaptainNapalm]

Well you say you've been hurt or abandoned in the past and that is perfectly normal as you've probably not met the right guy for you to date. I think you have to come to a full understanding that this is not your fault bad rather an outcome of bad luck in finding men or just finding the wrong men for you. You seem like you are somewhat happy with yourself and a fun person to be with but you seem to freeze up when in company of people you are falling for which I can relate to because this exact thing happened to me with two women, but not all however. So I think maybe you just need to find that right guy for you. Perhaps you are going fot he wrong type of guys? I don't know I could be wrong. Insecurity usually stems from bad past experiences or you yourself not being content with fascets of yourself be it physical or other. The best way to correct that is to try to alter the things about yourself that don't make you all that happy. In doing so you will not only feel better about yourself and think: "Hey, I'm a great catch, I do deserve to be treated well, other people are not better than me..etc." and it will be able to forget about your past bad experiences in dating because you will link them with the old you and not the new you. Altering certain things in my life over the past few years have made me a very confident person now and I noticed both my insecurity and jelousy issues have resolved nicely. For me it was getting a good career going. For you it might be something else so try to find what it is that is making you insecure. Once you figure it out fix it and you'll let your security shine right through. The guys have probably been leaving you in the past because your insecurity came right through and alot of guys are attracted to a confident woman.

[itsallgrand]

One: I think you are personalizing when a man isn't right for you. So if a man gets 'bored' or losing interest - what does that mean?

Does it say anything at all about you?

 

Sure, it stings and sucks and is disappointing, but if you are taking this upon yourself as though it was something to do with you - you can change that attitude.

 

Two: Are you walking into situations expecting the worst from the guy? That in itself will sabotage you.

 

It doesn't matter if you talk about your insecurities or not with him, if that attitude and prejudice to all men because of a few experiences with a few men is being applied, you will be basically screwed and mess up yourself situations where the guy is even totally present and wanting to be there for you.

 

So I think from the limited stuff you've offered, you just need to check expectations and your attitudes about what being with a man means and is.

 

I think so many of us bring a whole slew of issues and meanings that were never meant to be applied to two people getting to know and care about each other.

 

There is nothing all that different between a relationship with a guy and your relationship with life in general, people in general. So if you relationship to men is " I'll not trust you til you prove otherwise" that's going to short a lot of chances to have someone else trust you enough to really get to know you.

 

That could be what you are seeing as boredom...is really a guy's reaction to you cutting him off emotionally. Holding yourself all in, and waiting for him to pass some kind of 'test'.

 

Of course trusting doesn't mean becoming indiscriminate and leaving out good judgment, but that part too you gotta trust yourself enough to have reasonable judgment of people.

 

I think walking in with an automatic distrust would undermine your own trust for your judgment, as cruel as that is to imagine. By giving others a chance, you give yourself some chances to get over this insecurity too.