Men! Do Ex-Wives come first?

[CallingAllAngels]

Then I guess it is up to the OP if she wants to tolerate this type of co-dependency. I know that I would not.

[Excalibur]

I've got a question for the OP _ does he live with you?

[tangi39]

It is.

 

I wouldn't put up with it either.

[Hope75]

While I agree that the dynamic between this man and his ex wife is unusual, whatever works for them works. He's feeding into it, so he is playing a part too. He may feel more obligated to 'help' her because they share a child together and he has a strong sense of duty... no one can really tell you what he's thinking but him.

 

Regardless, I agree with others that whether or not this is healthy, it is what is working for them at present and you are unlikely to change that.

 

It is harder for you to understand because you are doing it all for yourself and your children as a single parent, and while I respect immensely how you are handling yourself, you aren't them and can't tell them what works for them.

 

While you can certainly talk to him about this and express your feelings, if he tells you it's not up for discussion, or he is 'fine with the way things are', or if he tells you he wishes it were different but does nothing to put his foot down, there will be little you can do about it. Further interference from you may be unwelcome at that point.

 

Good luck- this is the risk associated in dating a man with ex wives and children, not everyone is in as good a shape as you are mentally and financially following divorce.

[Excalibur]

I'd want to know what type of relationship he has with the child.

[strength2007]

Excalibur, to answer your questions. No, he does not live with me. I own my own home, he has an apartment. The relationship he has with his child is a somewhat typical arrangement. Every Wednesday and every other weekend. Someone did bring up a good point about the environment and welfare of this child. She has a child by her previous husband, and he had to take sole physical custody from her because she could'nt handle the child. (she is a teenager) My guyfriend is wonderful with his son. He would pick him up more, but he works 10-12 hour days and sometimes Saturdays. Mainly to keep his head above water to pay this lovely ex-wife the spousal/child support that the court ordered. He has reassured me he would not let anyone get in the way of us, and fight furiously to defend me, but actions speak louder that words.

I do want to make a little segue. This site helped tremendously while I was dealing with my divorce in 2006. I have even recommeded it to people who could not afford therapy at the time of their distress. Once again, enotalone with all of you insightful, wonderful people have given me a direction to take with a little more knowledge than before, and I thank each and every one of you.

[sonk]

Try to look at the issues rationally. A little removed from the situation.

 

The man has a child with this woman. 'Guilt' plays a big role, and a man does anything to be the star in the eyes of everyone so him pacifying the ex is more about him than about her. If you extend this a bit, it more about you+him than her.

 

So switch the emotion off, enjoy the guy. It is very understandable that you are ticked off. If you want this relationship you are looking at long years of this. The only chance u have is to rationalise it and park it.