sarge17 Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 i don't see what is wrong with her wanting to wait to have sex with him until she felt comfortable. i think it was extremely immature of him to leave because she wouldn't put out for him. she didn't feel a connection with him...and that's that. she wanted to give the relationship time to see if a connection could be had. he didn't feel like hanging around, which clearly shows that he had one thing on his mind. Your correct, nothing wrong with her wanting to wait. She should have told him the same thing. She wanted to wait until SHE felt there was a connection. I think it was immature on her part to turn it around on him by saying he had to open up more. This was HIS decision. She was telling him he was the reason for not having sex. The ole blame game. I would bet he had more on his mind than sex. I will also say if a male is in a relationship and sex occurs with someone they care about( been dating 6 months, I think something was there) then they will feel more of a connection and open up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 First, I'm not afraid of a man leaving once I sleep with them, because I plan to hopefully know enough about their character before I sleep with them which is more of the reason I wait. Also, I wasn't in love w/him and don't think I can truly be within months. But I don't have to be in love to have sex, just feel a certain connection that I didn't w/him, because he was holding back too since we weren't having sex. We had a different outlook on the situation, which I thought could be rectified, but guess not.If you were not in love and had no connection then I have to ask why you stayed with him and why you seem so upset now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
headunderwater Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 And he didn't leave, she told him it was over. I don't think that we should debate a relationship that seemed to have gone in the right direction. She didn't want to have sex until she felt "that connection" or until she could "make love" with him, not just have sex. And he didn't agree. I think that if the relationship was headed in the right direction and "meant to be" they would have both met in the middle. I do think there is a such thing as a "second virginity," not physically possible, but in a sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip 128 Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 Your correct, nothing wrong with her wanting to wait. She should have told him the same thing. She wanted to wait until SHE felt there was a connection. I think it was immature on her part to turn it around on him by saying he had to open up more. This was HIS decision. She was telling him he was the reason for not having sex. The ole blame game. I would bet he had more on his mind than sex. I will also say if a male is in a relationship and sex occurs with someone they care about( been dating 6 months, I think something was there) then they will feel more of a connection and open up. maybe i missed the part about her telling him he had to open up more...i didn't realize that had happened. maybe i was just lucky to find my bf...but he opened up to me completely before we had sex. sex didn't have to occur for him to open up to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaboom1218 Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 Well, I think a second virginity is only something a woman can relate too, because after not being penetrated by a man for so long, it does represent that physically and emotionally. I never said he was immature, just seemed to be focusing on the wrong thing. Someone else said that. I know we both had our needs and rights to feel the way we did, but I just saw potential for more, and just wasn't ready to be physical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novaseeker Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 It sounds like the right thing happened -- you two were not on the same page, and so it's for the best that the relationship ended. If he had accepted your conditions regarding sex, I think that really puts him in a box for the relationship in terms of setting a precedent that affection is conditioned in some way. I can see how he would be uncomfortable with that, even though I am much more inclined to think like you (that is waiting for a connection until having sex) when it comes to the underlying substance. It's important, I think, for both people to be on the same page -- you need to find a partner who also thinks that waiting for a deeper connection before having sex is what they want in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallingAllAngels Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 If you were not in love and had no connection then I have to ask why you stayed with him and why you seem so upset now? It looks like I posted that, but I didn't...the OP did... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mlost Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 First of all there is no such thing as a second virginity. If he knew that you had sex with men before him then it must have been very difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that you didn't want to have sex with him. No matter how you put that to him it will have been taken as a rejection. I have to respectfully completely disagree with this. There are a lot of people (myself and hopefully future girlfriend included) that have decided that there will be no more sex outside of a committed relationship (ie, marriage). It is a statement saying 1.) We have realized that our sexual experiences in the past have taken more from us than we realized. 2.) We care enough about ourselves and our future partners to wait until the emotional and spiritual bonds are so strong between us that sex is the sealing factor on a completely loving and committed relationship. Now, I know that the past cannot be undone and that technical virginity is lost forever once it's gone. But that doesn't mean that people cannot renew a vow to themselves saying no more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaboom1218 Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 Your correct, nothing wrong with her wanting to wait. She should have told him the same thing. She wanted to wait until SHE felt there was a connection. I think it was immature on her part to turn it around on him by saying he had to open up more. This was HIS decision. She was telling him he was the reason for not having sex. The ole blame game. I would bet he had more on his mind than sex. I will also say if a male is in a relationship and sex occurs with someone they care about( been dating 6 months, I think something was there) then they will feel more of a connection and open up. I DID tell him all of this; that I was waiting for a stronger connection, but he thought that we knew each other well enough and never really quite understood what I meant even though I tried to explain it to him. How else is he to understand if I don't tell him he needs to open up more to make me feel more comfortable? That's the mature thing to me. Someone said it best that if it was meant to be, then we would have been able to meet half way, but we weren't able to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaboom1218 Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 It sounds like the right thing happened -- you two were not on the same page, and so it's for the best that the relationship ended. If he had accepted your conditions regarding sex, I think that really puts him in a box for the relationship in terms of setting a precedent that affection is conditioned in some way. I can see how he would be uncomfortable with that, even though I am much more inclined to think like you (that is waiting for a connection until having sex) when it comes to the underlying substance. It's important, I think, for both people to be on the same page -- you need to find a partner who also thinks that waiting for a deeper connection before having sex is what they want in a relationship. You hit it on the head. I need to find a guy who is also looking for a deeper connection before having sex, which is hard for me to find since most men don't want to wait. Do you know of anyone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 I have to respectfully completely disagree with this. There are a lot of people (myself and hopefully future girlfriend included) that have decided that there will be no more sex outside of a committed relationship (ie, marriage). It is a statement saying 1.) We have realized that our sexual experiences in the past have taken more from us than we realized. 2.) We care enough about ourselves and our future partners to wait until the emotional and spiritual bonds are so strong between us that sex is the sealing factor on a completely loving and committed relationship. Now, I know that the past cannot be undone and that technical virginity is lost forever once it's gone. But that doesn't mean that people cannot renew a vow to themselves saying no more.Well, a virgin means both physically and emotionally. Having had sex you have experienced those emotions so pretending that you haven't is just that - a pretence. But if both partners decide that they want to wait that is fine - their choice. But in this case that choice is being imposed on someone else who decided that wasn't what he wanted. It is good that you care about each other - but the implication is that he didn't care enough and I don't think that is fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 You hit it on the head. I need to find a guy who is also looking for a deeper connection before having sex, which is hard for me to find since most men don't want to wait. Do you know of anyone? don't want to seem as if I am just being a contrarian here. But this is assuming that the connection wasn't deep enough for him and they may well not be true. I think it hazardous to assume that we know for sure what other people's motivations and feelings are. The fact is that people can have differences in depths of emotion - but they can also reach the same depth at different times. So it is possible he has reached that depth before you and you are assuming he had no depth of emotion at all - or less than you at any rate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 Personally I do not think a 30+ year old male is going to be happy waiting months to have sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novaseeker Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 Hmm, I would have thought it would be more common for older men to be willing to wait a bit longer than it would for younger men -- but that's just a guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 I would have thought it would be more common for older men to be willing to wait a bit longer than it would for younger men Not in my crew. Most would expect two consenting, mature adults with sexual experience to progress to a sexual relationship sooner than later. The only times I've waited longer than a few weeks was in my late teens, early 20s. Having said all that, I get the impression from this place that the attitude between people in my country to this compared to people in the US is quite different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 Hey guys, it's just sex! It's fun! When we are young we make it out to be way more important than it really is. Be careful and don't sleep with just anyone. If a man I'm dating is hung up on waiting a long time for sex (and I've had this happen), he can have someone else wait with him. If your thing is frustration, be my guest. Now, I do not approve of the way he put his request, I think he was just looking for sex and trying to talk you into it. But,if you don't like having sex, you don't like it and he should have politely moved on. Personally, I would never commit to someone who couldn't please me in bed. It's a nice part of a relationship. Not everything by any means, but a part most people enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knightNshiningarmor Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 Hey guys, it's just sex! It's fun! When we are young we make it out to be way more important than it really is. Be careful and don't sleep with just anyone. If a man I'm dating is hung up on waiting a long time for sex (and I've had this happen), he can have someone else wait with him. If your thing is frustration, be my guest. Now, I do not approve of the way he put his request, I think he was just looking for sex and trying to talk you into it. But,if you don't like having sex, you don't like it and he should have politely moved on. Personally, I would never commit to someone who couldn't please me in bed. It's a nice part of a relationship. Not everything by any means, but a part most people enjoy. TOTALLY AGREE with ^^^^....... comes down that sexual chemistry is important to me and if a gf told me after 4 months or so give or take 1 one or two that she didnt feel a strong enough connection i honestly would take that as a major flake of an excuse and it would sound like to me that she just wasnt into me but wanted to keep me around for nothing more then an emotional safety net while she looked for someone "better"....so i think just leaving it at i dont feel connected with you enough would be an emotional kick to the scrotum. If it were me. also as it is that sexual satisfaction in a relationship is important and if i were in my early mid late 30's id be more inclined to not waste time finding out if we were compatible in that part of the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 I think this is a clear difference in ideology/values. You were withholding sexual intimacy because you were clearly favoring emotional intimacy and were determined to have that first before you agreed to sexual intimacy. And he was saying that sexual intimacy is a part of emotional intimacy and and not lesser than it in his mind, and hence not something that you should put off. You say you dated since Oct 07 with a 2 month break? That is 18 months of withholding sex? Honestly, for people who have been sexually active and in their 30s, waiting that long in a relationship just isn't going to fly in most cases. Most people want to ensure they are both sexually and emotionally compatible before wasting a lot of time on the relationship. A few months many might wait to make sure you are emotionally compatible before jumping into sex, but not 6+ months. At some point one has to ask, does this person even like sex if they wait that long. If you have a religious ideology that says sex before marriage isn't appropriate, then you should be dating on religious websites or at church to find others who view sex before marriage as inappropriate, and who value waiting and denial of sexual intimacy before marriage. Sex is one of the great gifts of life, fun, a stress reducer, something that bonds people together. Many people don't want to spend years of their lives without it, only to find they are not sexually compatible with someone they have waited a long time for. I think he was a bit brusque in how he phrased it, but i think at his age that he might have felt a bit jerked around and like you were playing a withholding game or just didn't like sex that much to go without it for so long. And he has a point that people don't get into dating relationships just to be friends and NOT have sex. You can be friends with all kinds of people, but you only have sex with your partner. If you want to hold his attention AS A ROMANTIC PARTNER you need to eventually have sex. That might be what he meant. If your partner keeps putting off sex into the nebulous future, sexual frustration and anger sets in, so that could be why he was so brusque. You are also totally controlling your joint sex life by refusing and making yourself the sole decider of when it is 'right'. He decided it was right a long time ago, and you kept ignoring his need. That is fine if you want to do that, but you have to negotiate and try to meet each others needs. If you can't negotiate and come up with a joint solution, then the answer is to recognize you are not compatible and break up. But since you are the sole arbitrer of when it is 'right', he has no say in it and it is not a negotiation. So realistically, i think re-discovering your virgnity in your 30s has a good chance of ensuring you won't find a partner, unless you start dating at strict churches or groups specifically designed for people who don't believe in sex before marriage, or in sex for a long time after dating starts. I don't mean to be harsh, but i were dating a guy who withheld sex for as long as you did, i too would have dumped him and been afraid he didn't like sex or had sexual problems of some kind. One wants a romantic partner who is also a sexual partner, so i think you have to recognize that most people in their 30s do want a sex partner, and don't want to wait a year or more to have sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novaseeker Posted May 20, 2008 Share Posted May 20, 2008 You say you dated since Oct 07 with a 2 month break? That is 18 months of withholding sex? Um, that is more like 6 months with a 2 month break in there, so 4 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted May 20, 2008 Share Posted May 20, 2008 well duh, pardon my math! i was thinking Oct 06! anyway, after 6 months most people do expect sex, and the OP said she was waiting 'til it was right' and not giving him any indication of when that might be... Most people who are sexually active in their 30s aren't going to wait long periods of time unless they are religious or other moral philosphy, so my post still applies. thanks for noticing that, because i was wondering why a guy who felt that way would wait a full 18 months... most people do bail at 4 or 6 months if they get no sex, so that makes more sense! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novaseeker Posted May 20, 2008 Share Posted May 20, 2008 Yeah I see it as a communication issue -- the idea of communicating sexual attitudes in a relationship in order to get some idea of compatibility in that area. I think attitudes are all over the place on this issue, and there are some generational differences at play as well, but in any case it's important to communicate openly about this to ferret out any incompatibilities as early as is reasonable in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClarenceRutherford Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Well, a virgin means both physically and emotionally. Having had sex you have experienced those emotions so pretending that you haven't is just that - a pretence. But if both partners decide that they want to wait that is fine - their choice. But in this case that choice is being imposed on someone else who decided that wasn't what he wanted. Got news for you: The other partner ALWAYS controls sex. When. Where. How frequently, etc. The other partner (male or female) decides, as it should be. There's no "imposing" of anything here. The OP's thoughts are spot-on. Mlost's thoughts are accurate as well. Many people want some kind of connection before giving that part of their lives to someone else. I need to find a guy who is also looking for a deeper connection before having sex, which is hard for me to find since most men don't want to wait. Do you know of anyone? Yes, men willing to wait until they have feelings are out there. I was one of them, so was my future wife at 33. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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