audrey28 Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 my boyfriend and i have been in a long distance relationship for almost 1 year now. we were just waiting to move in together. now i am having serious second thoughts. a few days ago, we had a fight. we were having a normal conversation when he said something that offended me. we ended the conversation but i decided to call him up again to tell him what i felt. i basically said that he probably didnt mean it, but i found it offensive. he then told me that there is no point in me calling and saying that and i should have just kept it to myself. the next day, we talked again and we were ok. i was asking him about something and he responded in a way that i felt was accusatory. i flipped and yelled. i felt quite tired of being in the defensive position. i sent him a short email saying i wanted to stay mad but i realized i may have overreacted and i wanted to make up. i said i won't call him for a few days to clear my mind. he responded my saying "don't call me for a month. you're nuts". i am deeply deeply hurt bec i feel that i have been trying my best to have this relationship work. but sometimes, it seems that the effort is one-sided. i try to choose my words carefully and i get such responses from him. i am thinking that maybe it is not completely my fault. maybe i have been trying to hard, giving too much, apologizing too much. maybe i should just break up with him. if i let this go on, what next....we'll move in, get married, but he will continue to treat me this way? i guess i just want some advice bec i honestly can't see the situation objectively. i'm not sure if i'm just overreacting....i do feel very insecure....whenever we fight, i always worry that it will be the end of the relationship.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reilly2856 Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Firstly, if you always have to watch what you say around him simply because your afraid to make him angry or afraid that things will end between you two, then your relationship isn't as strong as you may think. In my opinion, a relationship is about being open, even to criticism. If he has said something or you've said something, either of you should feel comfortable bringing it about. If you always have to watch what you say to him, choosing your words carefully, what does that say about your relationship? Do you really want to move in with someone who your always afraid to express your true feeling too? The situation could get quite bad...perhaps to the point where you let him do things or let some things slide just because your too afraid of losing him. That gives him a lot of power to hold over you, when a relationship should be about equal power. Secondly, don't ever "try to hard, give to much, or apologize too much". When a relationship becomes one-sided (ie. one person is more affectionate, more easily influenced, etc.), chances are it won't last too long. Either your partner comes to under appreciate you, in which case, more arguments occur and one of you breaks things off. Or, you give them too much and they lose interest, moving onto someone new. I also didn't like his comment about "don't call for a month, you're nuts." Frankly, I think you were being very mature, asking for a few days to clear your head rather than saying something in the heat of the moment and regretting it later. Clearly, he couldn't understand this. In my opinion, I think you should really reconsider moving in with this guy....let alone the whole marriage prospect. You need to take back control of this relationship, such that you are able to express how you truly feel without worrying about whether the relationship will end. If you can't reach that comfort level with this guy, then sorry to say this, but its better to get out of the relationship than to stay in it and never be able to say what is on your mind. That will only make you very unhappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audrey28 Posted May 17, 2008 Author Share Posted May 17, 2008 thanks, reilly. i guess i always knew there was something not quite right with the relationship, but i refused to face the facts. what i really need is courage to stick to nc. i have been a pushover in my desperation to please him. but i'm done with that. i deserve to be respected. i am tired of always thinking everything is my fault. i am tired of being the one to initiate making up. i am just tired. i have tried so hard so many times to take responsibility in my faults, but i'm carrying much if not all of the weight. i have taken a lot of his crap and yet he is inflexible when i have issues. right now, i am just so angry. who does he think he is? i hate him. i really hate him. my email to him: " i wanted to stay mad.....and i guess i was in a bad mood and overly sensitive. sorry about that. hope to kiss and make up..... happy weekend and talk to u soon...... won't call for a few days to clear my mind and give each other a little space i love u " his email to me: " WONT CALL FOR A FEW DAYS? Dont call for a month....I am going on vacation....your nuts please no loooong....analyticatl,......dramatic emails. " i don't know why i even bother with a nincompoop who can't spell. im realizing that maybe i was never overly sensitive....it was just that he was never sensitive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reilly2856 Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 Okay, I'm probably going to get some people really mad at me on here...but I think you need to send him an email back telling him that if anyone is a nut job between the two of you...IT IS HIM! Break it off with him. completely...and since this will be the last time you ever talk to him (make up your mind----commit to it), tell him everything that has ever bugged you about him. Don't hold anything back. Say everything you want so that you clear your heart and head of all the doubts and the hurt he inflicted on you. THEN, never contact him again. It'll help you move on. Truly! Because you'll never think "oh I should've responded to him in this manner when he mad this stupid comment to me or that".....this is your last chance. Take the courage, express how you really feel. ANd no more of htis "i love you' stuff...he doesn't deserve it. Check out his email response...it clearly shows his selfish nature. Get away...FAR AWAY from this guy. Before you do that, there is still time for one last email. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
audrey28 Posted May 18, 2008 Author Share Posted May 18, 2008 thanks for your advice. i think i have no more energy though....i will just disappear. enough is enough and he doesn't deserve an explanation. it's too late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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