JCR84 Posted May 17, 2008 Author Share Posted May 17, 2008 yes. then why cant i forget about her? why is my heart viced with love for her? its just so dumb that i cant seem to get the picture. how sad is it that even after all this, a big part of me wants her back sooo bad and another wishes i never met her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygirl1212 Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 you can't forget about her because it is part of the healing process... JC, if you remember from my posts the past couple of days I was feeling so positive & good - tonight I had a HUGE crash downwards - missed my ex, broke NC, feel like complete & total crap, feel alone, feel depressed... BUT i don't think this crash will last forever, I just have to pick myself up again, and again, and again until I stay up there... JC, your feelings are normal - you will have ups & downs, just like all of us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wannabe Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 Yes, yes, yes! Please go to your doctor for medical help. They can help you with the sleep and the depression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPainNoGain Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 Do you work,school,workout? Stay busy....positive positive positive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 18, 2008 Author Share Posted May 18, 2008 i work. dont go to school until the fall(i hope). i try to work out, but i have no drive for it. kinda hard for me to stay busy when ive got no patience with whatever it is that i do. my frustration with things is the suck. its like i know theres things to do but when i get to them i just get disgusted and back out. trying to stay positive. really. im just so tired .....of everything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne1281 Posted May 18, 2008 Share Posted May 18, 2008 You should definitely get into counseling. Not sleeping is a symptom of anxiety-and I understand the dreams. I still dream about him and I don't even want to. Go and talk to someone about it-there's nothing wrong with that and it feels like 100 pounds has been lifted off of you after you start talking about it out loud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 18, 2008 Author Share Posted May 18, 2008 i have been going to see a therapist for the past month and half. its helping out some. im on lexapro right now but nothing(i feel) has changed much. aside that from taking lexapro im feeling a little lower than i was a couple of weeks ago. im drinking some herbal tea my older sister got for me. its not really working. ive been talking about everything to everyone who will give an open ear listen. and it pacifies for a moment but later im back where i started. its like im caught between two brick walls and they keep closing in, crushing me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygirl1212 Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 JC, do you feel progress with your therapist? I have heard of people switching therapists - kind of like trial & error I guess... How are you today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 im crushed. just keep thinking about this chick. stomach is in knots. exhausted mentally and physically for some reason. ive got no strength. yet im still here. sucks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 i feel a little progress has been made. but not enough to notice a big difference. she says she notices a difference in me but i dont know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addicus Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 Break-ups are tough but when it really throws you into a tailspin then there are some deeper issues. Do you have abandonment issues? I know that was an issue for me. I have struggled with depression for many years, done the meds thing etc....I was forced to come off meds because of no insurance, and also had to end the therapy..however, I refused to let the depression win. I surround myslef with great people, embrace myself and accept the bad days as much as the good days. I also know that I have to push to stop the bad days from tunring into two bad days then three etc. I know it is hard, I have been there, but you really have to push yourself to do something good for yourself. Going to teh gym maybe too much much, babysteps! Start dressing in your workout stuff, do that for a week, then the next week dress, get in your car, then the next week dress, car drive. Sometime the big taks is way too big, break it into small steps so yuou can be successful. may sound silly but it really worked for me! After two hard years I am not only back to feeling good but I even feel better than I did before the depression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygirl1212 Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 Addicus, that is great advice! JC, Addicus makes some very good and important point. JC, does your family/friends know what you are going through? are you able to talk to them and also lean on them for support? i find that it helps to talk to someone, face to face, who cares about you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 my family know, but they have their own things going on. so im pretty much doing this alone, which is okay because i know they have their lives to take care of. i dont know. ive been going to the park after work for walks, and sometimes to jog, but i kinda see that as another form of pacing. i pace back and forth when im stressed or when i have alot on my mind. and yeah its probably due to abandonment issues. would make sense. but i dont know. i guess the main problem is that i just dont know how to let go. i mean i know that we will never get back together, but in my heart i stubbornly keep hope alive that someday she will return. i know its beating a dead horse but my heart is just not getting it. i keep thinking about her all the time. and that sometimes just aggravates me. i dont know. maybe im going at everything the wrong way. i dont feel that the meds are helping. they just make me sick. but it has only been a week. just wish my heart wasnt so stupid. wish it would just let go. i pray every day to have her erased from my memory. i pray for strength beyond strength to get through this. i kinda wish i never knew what love is. because its eroding my very being. this place is terrible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygirl1212 Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 JC, you are going through what a lot of us have gone through, so you ARE NOT alone. What you are feeling like right, is what most of us have felt after a break-up. I am finding that the hardest thing for me is to reconcile my heart vs. my head. The two clash badly - heart says "I love him/her...Please don't leave...I don't want this to end"; head says "It's over, move on, move forward, keeping going...don't torture yourself". Part of the process is recognizing this battle (heart vs. mind) and reconciling the truth, the reality of the relationship. It is extremely difficult because that means that you have to accept the truth, and accept the end of the relationship. BUT acceptance is also part of the healing. JC, it seems like you know in your mind that it is over, and I know this is difficult to accept. At some point, you will accept it. It will hurt, it will sting (I know it's awful) but once that acceptance happens, then you can finally start to heal instead of being stuck in "hell". How often do you see your therapist? What about joining a sports team at a local gym? I know that in the summer, some local gyms have sports teams. This may be a great way for you to meet new people. What sports are you interested in? Can you check with a local gym to see if they have any teams that you could join? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 i see my therapist once a week. im not really interested into sports all that much. but even if i was i probaly couldnt do much(bad knee). i dont know i keep putting myself through this. i feel so dumb for just being like this. its like nothing has changed. at least i think so. yeah i try to think on the brightside, make the best out of situations(or at least try to) but its just not enough. i need more than that. i mean ive been told that i have a great life. im a good person, a great son,brother, uncle. the "greatest" friend anyone could ever have. im talented, smart, trustworthy, loyal, "sweetest/nicest" guy in the world, great sense of humor(im always making people laugh or smile). but why does all that mean nothing to me if i dont have anyone to share it with? i mean, what the hell is wrong with me. i should be overjoyed that i have family and friends that care a great deal and love me unconditionally. but im not, i feel alone and torn. why do i need someone with me to feel complete? why cant i be happy on my own? why do i feel like im this amazing and complex puzzle thats missing just one piece to be this incredible masterpiece? why i am so lost? why i am so blind? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygirl1212 Posted May 19, 2008 Share Posted May 19, 2008 JC, I think you are starting to realize, or perhaps recognize the heart of the issue, and perhaps this is also something that you can work further on with your therapist. This is a good thing. If you get at the heart of the issue, then the real healing process can begin. You have to LOVE you first, LOVE you as you are, LOVE you even if you are single. The list of your qualities is awesome!!! I think you should print that list out and put it on your wall. JC, you are ALL those things whether you are in a relationship OR you're not! That doesn't change!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 19, 2008 Author Share Posted May 19, 2008 I dont know. ive noticed that if im around someone else i tend to forget what im going through. but sometimes theres no one. just me. and that sucks because i tend to be very talkative when im around someone that i know. but no ones around much. sucks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Share Posted May 20, 2008 ugh... i was just at the park enjoying a walk trying to relax my back and who do i see driving. my ex. i dont think she saw me though but that ruined my walk. so i turn around and start to walk home and I see one of her friends walking in my direction. we just give each other that little "hey" nod and keep going on our own way. keep on walking and sure enough i see my ex driving again. im pretty sure she saw me that time. reason im stressing about it is that ive had this urge to get in contact with her. and well i usually take certain things as signs. and im just thinking this is a sign not just a coincidence. ugh......anyway sorry i had to vent that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shygirl1212 Posted May 20, 2008 Share Posted May 20, 2008 Hey JC, vent away as much as you want! if you did contact her what would you say? how would you react if she didn't want to be together? how would you feel after this? it seems from your other posts that there is slight chance for reconciliation, just really think about what it is you are hoping for, and the reality of the situation before you break NC. NC is a really, really, REALLY hard thing to do - once you've accomplished a pattern of NC, I would say it's best not to break it (but who am I to give this advice when I myself have broken NC - i should take my own advice really but it's easier to give advice than to take one's own). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lillybee1982 Posted May 20, 2008 Share Posted May 20, 2008 the hope of her is what is hurting you. And I do know what it is like to have depression that will not go. I too have had depression for as long as I could remember. It seems impossible but you need to fight it. There are resources out there that can help. It might sound silly, but yoga can help. And a lot of men go to it. Also, seek out something that is called Qi Gong. This all might sound strange but it works. It's spiritual healing. Think about all the love you have to give and then think how incredible you are to be able to have that ability to give something that special and beautiful. You might want to give it to her because you still love her and can't understand how someone would not want a gift like that....well her loss. Because imagine how awesome it is to not just give but receive something like that back at the same time.... the love would be continuous and not draining. Sorry for your pain. Please keep the hope that you are great and worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Share Posted May 20, 2008 im not entirely sure what i would say. i guess id ask her how she was doing, hows work and what not. id like to ask if all the things that i heard were true, but she probably wouldnt tell me anyway. i wouldnt ask her to come back, id leave that to her. i dont know, i have this silly grand dilusion that she will contact me. which probably wont happen. but u never know. i dont know. all i know is this sucks. lol. i might have to look into that Lillybee. and your right, i cannot for the life of me figure out how someone could not want my love. i dont know. i keep asking myself if she's worth all this hell. a huge part(heart) of me says yes. but the other(mind)says no. i keep fighting myself tooth and nail, kicking and screaming. its like i keep imagining that she will call to meet up so we can talk and try to get back together. and i imagine myself telling her that if she truly felt that way that she would have to prove it. ive proven my love for her 10 fold. i would ask her that if im really worth it, then she would have to make changes and sacrifices to regain my trust and care. i would tell her that things will not be the same. they may be better or worse. who knows. maybe im just being dumb in thinking like that. ive been distracting myself by keeping my mind on this little birthday thing im going to have in a couple of weeks. just pondering who is going to show up and what not. decided that im going to wear a suit. nothing exagerated. but i wanna dress up. which will be kind of a shock to most ppl because i never dress up. never. ive already sent emails and text invites and all that jazz. but even then i cant help think of her, considering its gonna be at the place where me and her always went to have drinks. ugh....why am i so miserable? silly me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tushboy Posted May 20, 2008 Share Posted May 20, 2008 I can totally relate to you. I can imagine how you feel. The pain, the numbness, the heart that weighs heavily, the sense of loss, the thought of not wanting to wake up and do anything...Losing interest in everything around you. I am going through something similar....and having these moments where everything around me seems to be fading....especially at nights....But you know what mate, don't be too hard on yourself, it's normal what you are going thru, you are not the only one, there's nothing wrong with what you feel, feel it, cry, scream, write, talk to some one, do WHATEVER it takes unless it involves hurting yourself or another....do it....take time...it will take time...I know you dont feel like doing anything else but just sit ..let the thoughts come, but don't let them OWN YOU..just feel the loss, the pain and let it BE. Take time...and we all are here...you are NOT alone. We will make it through this TOGETHER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 21, 2008 Author Share Posted May 21, 2008 thanx everyone for the support. especially u shygirl. u have given so much thought and concern. i really appreciate it. i feel so stupid though because this is all in my head. i know i should forget about her. i know she doesnt deserve my love, she doesnt deserve me. but i just cant help to love her. i keep missing her so much. maybe its because i planned too much for us. maybe i did too much for her. protected her too much. maybe i expected more than what was actually there. i mean there was so much love that i showed her, and soo much more love that i had left to show. maybe i put myself out too far out there. its a shame she didnt get to see or experience the full potential of just how far my love would of gone. pardon my ramblings everyone, its just that this fire in my chest roars so passionately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
npc24 Posted May 22, 2008 Share Posted May 22, 2008 jcr84, im in the exact same boat as you. we have been apart nearly a year and i literally cried 30 minutes ago. please keep your chin up, its so hard to do i know, i cant hardly do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCR84 Posted May 29, 2008 Author Share Posted May 29, 2008 im back in this church......another day of just the same....the wine is turning sour waiting for the final hour to be free from all this misery that has taken ahold of me.......im hanging on to a memory....or am i hanging on to me?........im so lost without her.... this place is truly terrible... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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