babysunshine Posted May 13, 2008 Share Posted May 13, 2008 Well, I posted here before asking for advice in regards to seeing my ex. We have been broken up since February and he lives in another state. We lived together for two years and then he had to move accross country for his career and we stayed together two more years seeing each other at least once a month. We broke up in february because he said he was exhausted from all our fighting and just wants to be single. He says he doesnt want to be in any relationship whatsoever. (we have mutual friends and I know he has not been dating or seeing anyone else). Most of you here on ENA said not to spend the weekend with him because it wold only set me back and I guess it has... but I don't regret it? He came down on saturday we went out with friends and had a great time. Sunday, we drove up to his parents house and spent the day there. His dad cooked dinner, we had some wine and just hung ot with his family. The entire weekend was blissfully great. No talking about "us" no fighting, just a great time. He said lots of "i love you's" I held back a little but we were still very "coupley". We didnt have sex because he felt it was unfair to both of us and that it wold stir up feelings which I completely agreed. We kissed a lot though. Now, I know this doesnt mean we're getting back together and he is now back home accross the country getting ready to spend memorial day in Hawaii, and go on a cruise to Alaska with his family, and I can't help but wonder what now?? I dont feel like it was the wrong thing to do but Im confsed as to what to do now? Any help/ advice/ I told you so's are welcome.. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 13, 2008 Share Posted May 13, 2008 I think this is why people were telling you not to do it....because you would enjoy yourself but nothing would be sorted and you would be left in limbo once again. So you kissed and cuddled and he made declarations of love...yet to what purpose...he didn't want to have sex with you because that would stir up feelings...in other words, there is no relationship. What you both had was a little romantic interlude and now it is back to the status quo. Nothing was sorted and it is clear he doesn't want to get back together otherwise that would have come up when the topic of sex came up. So I think you need to assume this is over and that you have to move on with your life. He may call you, give grand declarations of love...but what good is that if he doesn't want the relationship. You need to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted May 13, 2008 Share Posted May 13, 2008 I agree with Crazyaboutdogs. I can understand why you wanted to go on this weekend and how strong the temptation must have been. But sometimes it is better to make the hard decisions. You seem now to have more questions than answers. How was it left with him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted May 13, 2008 Author Share Posted May 13, 2008 Thanks CAD, But most of the threads I read on here are people who are trying to get back someone who is not in love with them anymore, or someone who has started dating someone else, or someone who just stopped returning their calls. Call me an idiot but I cant help but think that maybe Im in a different position (not necessarily in a better position) because of the fact that we both still truly love each other? Maybe I am also Naive but I find it so difficult to accept the fact that he still loves me, thinks I am the most amazing person he's ever met, but he doesnt want a relationship? I tried NC, bt four years of talking to someone everyday is hard to just quit cold turkey. I feel like he's a drug sometimes. ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted May 13, 2008 Author Share Posted May 13, 2008 Oh.. and Izzy thanks for the positive uplift. I think the veterans on the site are just trying to keep a newbie like me from the whole "false hope" thing and gtting hurt even more. In terms of how things were left... I dropped himoff at the airport we said "I love you's" and he said he'd call when he got in. On the negative side, I texted him asking if we werespending fourth of july together because Im moving home to San Diego and he always spends it there and he said it probablywouldnt be best because he just wants to party with friends and not worry about me and what I'm doing and spending all of his time with me. (He says its hard to focos on his friends when Im around) But he said he would be out there for more than just a day so we could hang out then.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 13, 2008 Share Posted May 13, 2008 Thanks CAD, But most of the threads I read on here are people who are trying to get back someone who is not in love with them anymore, or someone who has started dating someone else, or someone who just stopped returning their calls. Call me an idiot but I cant help but think that maybe Im in a different position (not necessarily in a better position) because of the fact that we both still truly love each other? Maybe I am also Naive but I find it so difficult to accept the fact that he still loves me, thinks I am the most amazing person he's ever met, but he doesnt want a relationship? I tried NC, bt four years of talking to someone everyday is hard to just quit cold turkey. I feel like he's a drug sometimes. ...... It may be difficult to accept but unless you hear from him that he wants to try again, then it is in your best interests to accept that it is over. Accepting it doesn't mean it will never happen..you have no idea what the future holds BUT at this point in time it is over until he actually clearly states that he wants to try again. Exs are so big on these grand declarations of love and the kisses and cuddles. Just read posts on this forum and you will see countless stories of exs doing the same thing as your ex..."I love you", "I miss you" etc. but when it comes down to "the proof of the pudding" ie. the relationship...they back away. You are not in any different position than many others on this board who have the dumper keeping in touch with them and wanting to see them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 13, 2008 Share Posted May 13, 2008 His messages are loud and clear...he is not interested in being part of a couple with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted May 13, 2008 Share Posted May 13, 2008 I think the worst thing a person can do who wants her boyfriend or his girlfriend back is to spend a weekend like this together. For several reasons -it brings back old feelings, it tells the "dumper" that you are available to hang out and hook up with no strings attached when that is not what you ultimately want, and it doesn't give the dumper the chance to see what life is like without you. Of course it can take time to reconcile - but spending that kind of time together typically makes it take longer despite giving the illusion that it brought you closer together. He may very well have feelings of love for you but his feelings of not wanting to be in a relationship with you are stronger than those feelings of love. And he may not be dating anyone now but he obviously wants to keep his options open so that status could change any day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted May 13, 2008 Share Posted May 13, 2008 I think the veterans on the site are just trying to keep a newbie like me from the whole "false hope" thing and gtting hurt even more. To an extent that's true. But my response is based on what you have posted and it is clear your ex does not want to be in a relationship with you. So it becomes just a question of how long you ignore that or how quickly you accept it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 13, 2008 Share Posted May 13, 2008 Crazyaboutdogs - I respectfully disagree. Not everything happens instantaneously. I think it's unrealistic to expect a reconciliation in one weekend after several months. There are still things that need to be sorted out. Frankly, sometimes I feel like posters here are overly negative. There is a tendency to expect instant communication, reconciliation, etc from an ex. It just won't happen. A relationship needs time to heal, and honestly, I'd be more worried if they did immediately reconcile during the weekend. It was a stepping stone. Just my 2 cents. No, of course things don't happen instantaneously but he is declaring love for her, cuddling and kissing and basically acting like they are a couple...but doesn't want to actually be a couple. Sure a relationship needs time to heal and both parties to think about things...so get together and go to the park and keep it STRICTLY PLATONIC. The minute there are love declarations and cuddles and kisses, there is not thinking and healing going on...it becomes about neediness and not letting go enough to really think. Cuddles and kisses and only ACTING like a couple does not bring two people closer together to reconciliation...it usually has quite the opposite effect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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