The In-hate process

[Keyman]

Yeah, can't wait for him to be a no-hoper!! I'd say I'm doing good with the feeling good about myself most of the time, I do know that I will find someone else but my mornings are still started with feeling crappy & sometimes crying in the shower - but keeping my head high. I do admit it is starting to be easier and it does feel great. But of course I will wonder how he can hug me, say you will always be my Mo "stupid pet name" and then three weeks later not even a call. Oh well, what's done is done...

 

HAHA I'll have to wear the dress again and take some pictures, I've decided I'm all about dresses this spring/summer! They make you feel good!

 

the person formery nicknamed mo,

Are you reading what you have written? Do you see the changes that are taking place already? It sounds to me like you are taking back control of yourself and your power and making it work for you.

 

Yes it seems like you are getting there and soon the whole thing will be behind you. It's unfortunate that with all the help we can give, we can't be there to give you a hug when your crying in the shower - after all, we've only just met! oh and because we're on the computer and it would fizzle.

 

Oh and dresses don't do it for me I'm afraid, people look at me funny as I'm not cut out to wear girls clothes! But great you are and of course we'd love to see the pics, but it's that you feel good that's important!

 

Smile!

[eatingsnow]

keyman. you are so wonderful.. thank you for the support...hugs.

[Pharm11]

keyman. you are so wonderful.. thank you for the support...hugs.

 

How long did it take you to get to the hate stage? I dont want to hate him, but its like I am so hurting more than him and it sucks. All he needs to do is call me and say lets get back together, I will try ...and we can make this work...

[eatingsnow]

It took a long time to get to the hate stage.

I was in denial for the longest time.

everytime when he decided he wants to get back with me, i will put aside all my anger and resentment, so i could have him in my life.

I thought its better to leave it all behind and start it all new again.

 

After the last breakup, I started waking up in the nightmares, the old wounds, the resentment came back in the form of nightmares.

I try not to hate him, but how do you set aside these angers and disappointments?

[Keyman]

How long did it take you to get to the hate stage? I dont want to hate him, but its like I am so hurting more than him and it sucks. All he needs to do is call me and say lets get back together, I will try ...and we can make this work...

 

Pharm,

 

The in-hate process, even though it's name says hate, does not mean you hate your ex. Because you have loved your ex, you will actually love him/her for the rest of your lives. Falling in-hate with him helps you to put them in their proper place. It takes them down from their pedastal and allow you to see the situation for what it is. Once you've done that, you can start to move on.

 

You will start realising that the break up may have been the best thing, that the relationship wasn't as good as it wil cracked up to be and stop you from wanting to get back into it.

[eatingsnow]

Pharm,

 

The in-hate process, even though it's name says hate, does not mean you hate your ex. Because you have loved your ex, you will actually love him/her for the rest of your lives. Falling in-hate with him helps you to put them in their proper place. It takes them down from their pedastal and allow you to see the situation for what it is. Once you've done that, you can start to move on.

 

You will start realising that the break up may have been the best thing, that the relationship wasn't as good as it wil cracked up to be and stop you from wanting to get back into it.

 

very well said..

the more i think about the things, the more i realized there were signs, i just didnt want to acknowledge them.

 

well, the last week was the low point of the process, but it really helped to view things in a different perspective.

[Keyman]

Hey Sharon, really glad to see you are looking at things from a different perspective.

 

When I understood that I was deluding myself about wanting to be back in the 'fantastic wonderful' realtionship that I was torn from, I started to see and remember all the crap things about both her and it. And I really don't want to go back there again.

 

She still wants to be friends, but only by her rules, but I detect it is for selfish reasons, so am not inclined to do that.

 

I'm healing, am still lonely, but just not for her company.

[eatingsnow]

reading posts from everyone and time to think and process all these information really helped.. i miss him (the sex) so much but nothing else.. which, I dont think its that hard to find another person that is great in bed. LOL..

[Keyman]

i miss him (the sex) so much but nothing else.. which, I dont think its that hard to find another person that is great in bed. LOL..

 

Yes I'm exactly the same, but for me, I would sabotague my healing process to get back in the sack with her. That's what the last part of the relationshiop became for me anyway. So it's better I stay away from her.

 

Great sex isn't that hard to find...

[misstb]

I love this in hate thing! YESTERDAY i WAS STILL CLINGING TO HOPE, TODAY IN HATE! He is off the pedestool I put him on. I am sure the things on the list have ALWAYS been there, I chose to ignore them, love overlooks flaws, but beig in hate they are sooooo clear! THANK YOU

[Keyman]

I love this in hate thing! YESTERDAY i WAS STILL CLINGING TO HOPE, TODAY IN HATE! He is off the pedestool I put him on. I am sure the things on the list have ALWAYS been there, I chose to ignore them, love overlooks flaws, but beig in hate they are sooooo clear! THANK YOU

 

Wow! I'm glad that the idea could help and that it could open your eyes like it has for many of us here.

[eatingsnow]

hi. do you sleep?

well, to answer you. I dont either..

[Keyman]

Yes I do sleep, but only at nights (it's 3.15pm at the moment here.)

 

But when I'm single I do tend to light the candle at both ends. But always happy to chat to you at any time of the day or night!

[eatingsnow]

u r so funny..

i see u changed the pic for the keyman.. yay.

 

guess what? i finally went out with my friends last night for the very first time. *wow, its been..2 month to be exact..

and i cheated on the NC>. but I did not sleep with him, i think that is key point...

things are looking brighter, and I am kinda enjoying being single again. *kinda.. not too sure..

how about you? i read your post.. and how is everything with you?

[Keyman]

Yup, thought I could use a pic, so I found one.

 

Congratulations on getting out and having some fun with your friends. Things must be looking up!

 

I've been out dating since I moved out, but had no real success. I guess I wasn't looking for a replacement, more just some company. I have my life back and am doing the things I enjoy again, which is great, but I do feel rather lonely in general. I've only been in Brisbane 3 years and only have a small group of friends, and my flatmate and I don't really talk much. But it has been good. Sure I've broken NC too, but have regretted it as it does tend to take me back.

 

I am looking forward to meeting someone new, but for now, I'm content to enjoy my new found single life and have a whole lotta fun. What else can I do?

 

What kind of thigns do you and your friends get up to?

[eatingsnow]

just doing thing together.. i dont know about the guys.. but whenever us (girls) have boyfriends, we tend to spend less time with the girlfriends..

btw.. i am so close to the beach. so just hang out and people watching.. LOL. hopefully thats not too boring for you.

where were you before you moved to Brisbane?

[Keyman]

Yeah that happened in this relationship. Often a new partner comes along and they integrate into the group of friends, byt my ex didn't really do that, so we spent a lot of time with just us, so I know what you mean. I'm a great people watcher, it helps with my passion to become a writer. Brisbane doesn't really have beachs, it's on a river, but not far from the Gold Coast, a great beach area of Australia. As for boring, I'm not party animal (any more) My friends and I tend to go out and play pool over a couple of drinks, or more often than no, sit around and play board games or cards. So maybe we are the boring ones!

 

I'm originally from Auckland, New Zealand and lived near the beach over there.

 

What line of work are you in?

 

 

-----------------------

-Aaron

[eatingsnow]

I work for the airlines, and the airport is another interesting place for ppl watching.

[Keyman]

Today being the full moon and with it being in my astrological sign, I am having full-on, intensely emotional thoughts about her. Just at a time when I had put her behind me and was not thinking of her much at all. I had been warned that this was going to happen, so in that awareness, I thought I would be prepared for it, but boy has it come on intensely. So to help myself, I'm gonna follow my process and write a bunch of more things that she did that did not work in with us.

 

-She used to regularly go to lunch with friends, both male and female, but when I asked why she had never invited me to meet her friends, she said that they weren't really friends, just old workmates that she caught up with every week. She never wanted to show me off to her friends, or even talk about me to them, like I wasn't an important part of her life. Surely these people are wondering who this guy is you are living with? I'd ask. They're my friends not yours.

 

-While walking down the street with a workmate, she saw me on the other side. I did not see her, but when I asked if she pointed me out, she said no, why would I?

 

-She has a friend who has cancer, and when she would go and visit her I would ask her to send my love and tell her that I was thinking about her. (I'd met this friend of hers). When she got home, i'd ask her if she passed on my message, she'd say no. I asked her to do this for her brothers too. Say hi from me! And asked if she had and she said no, it hadn't come up.

 

-Her life and her place was very much about her. She owned her own home and was doing it up. She would just head off outside and work away on it, but when i asked if I could help, she would be very hesitant and I had to end up figuring out the things that she needed doing and getting on with them.

 

-Being in a couple, I wanted to plan for the future. She kept saying, she didn't know what she wanted from the future and just wanted to take her life day by day. So she has absolutely no ambition to be anything beyond the person that she already is. And the person she is, is just lost and don't know what she wants. She's content to drift through life and let the universe throw things at her.

 

-Whenever she asked me to do something, and I said yes, she would always respond with ...really? Like she never thought I could do anything. This even started happening when I was asking to go with me to places... really? really? really? Yes I said I would, damn you.

 

-I made an effort to find out the things that she liked and take her. Like going to the opera, or to see a jazz ochestra, things that I don't necessarily rate highly, but she loves. She had to be prompted to take me to places

 

-She can't make decision for herself. If something was too hard, she would see how she felt in a few days, great when I'm asking about something specific. Worse, she would often take the questions to her phychic.

 

-She'd never dress up sexily for me.

 

-When I wanted something, it always had to be on her terms. There was no working together, or compromise.

 

-She'd say to me, you don't know the things I've done for you for this relationship. I know, because you wont tell me what they are, or show me. Compromise is working together, not doign something you think should work.

 

-She was never interested in fixing the relationship or finding the things that might be wrong with it and correcting them. She just wanted it to work and if it didn't she would go out into the garden for the day.

 

-If I felt that my needs weren't being met, she would just shut off and would not say anything. Leaving me feeling even worse. Then we would go to be and I would be left stewing all night, and when we woke up, she would be like nothing had happened the night before.

 

Well, as I hoped, that has made me feel so much better. She is gone from my life and I no longer have to worry about any of these things.

 

Thanks for listening and lets hope this full moon business moves on in a hurry.

[missingmymo]

Thanks Keyman - I agree with eatingsnow, you are wonderful! Back when I wrote that I was feeling good, not so much anymore - but I'm sure I'll be back to feeling a bit better soon, or at least I hope. That shower comment made me laugh, I can just picture it now! LOL

[Keyman]

Hey Mo,

Oddly, after seeing your firest post here in a couple of days I discovered i'd missed you! hehehe

 

Good to see that I was right and that you have been feeling good. Yes we do go through down times, like mine last night., but thankfully they pass and we can move on to more happiness.

 

What happened that pushed you back?

[eatingsnow]

i texted my ex 5 days ago, "you broke my heart". then i have gone NC.

so i am on day 5 right now.

its hard, because i constantly check my email, and my phones, there is nothing.

 

i am repeating the in hate process to stay on NC..

I am going thru the down time again.

but guess what? i will it will can only get better and i have the power to do so.

[missingmymo]

Hey thanks! I actually felt bad for not replying earlier. I had been on here, reading and reading but I've been having a rough couple days and didn't feel upbeat enough to even reply. There are a couple things that have set me back, one of my ex's good friends just broke up with his GF and I just feel like they are all now going to go and party even harder and I just think it is all really sad, they're pushing 30 and I think its sad that they are acting so childish right now. This is soooo unlike my ex so it worries me, so that is one thing, then also I SAW my ex for the first time in a month!!! I felt horrible, we were both just driving in cars but he had the girl he is sleeping with now in his car and it just made me feel horrible. It just confirmed that he has just filled the void of me with her, it just confirmed they have not only been partying together but spending weeknights together. He traded me in for an uglier, MUCH larger, older, * * * * tier, unemployeed drug addict. I dunno, it was just difficult for me, BUT I'm not sure if you've read other posts of mine but I did meet a guy and he's great but sadly I am just not near ready. I did go on a date with him today but it just confirmed how not ready I am and I refuse to lead anyone on and hurt anyone!

 

I'm sorry to hear you were feeling down the other night! I hope one of these days I can help you as much as you have helped me feel better.

[eatingsnow]

hi, missingmymo,

 

its great you are taking the steps for personal growth, and it sux running into the ex, i know, i had it happened once, and that just dragged in down into the dark hole for days.

 

I think he is just using that other girl to filled the emptiness, and that really is selfish and I think you are better off without him.

 

hang in there, be real to yourself, and remember we have the power within ourselves. HUGS.

[Keyman]

i texted my ex 5 days ago, "you broke my heart". then i have gone NC.

so i am on day 5 right now.

its hard, because i constantly check my email, and my phones, there is nothing.

 

i am repeating the in hate process to stay on NC..

I am going thru the down time again.

but guess what? i will it will can only get better and i have the power to do so.

 

We all fall off the NC wagon and communicate our unhappiness or anger to our ex's. It's good that you have taken up the hate process again to allow you to push yourself back into NC. As always we are here as virtual shoulders to cry on. I know that when I'm at my lowest, and even though I try to give a strong facade here, it's here that I must write my feelings, because I know you and Mo and the others care. What great friends we would all be if we lived in the same area and could talk face to face.

 

Oh, now I'm getting all a bit sentimental, so I better get back to work.

 

Smile!