Why make me feel ugly?

[DN]

But it is also important to listen to what was actually said and the context.

 

In this case the mother did not say "You are ugly". She responded to the question: "Is he good looking?" by replying "Are you?"

 

It is possible to construe that as implying "you are ugly" but that is not necessarily the case - people can infer what others mean incorrectly. I think it would have been moe useful to respond to her mother by saying "I am not sure what you mean by that?"

 

In close relationships, particularly difficult ones, it is amazing how often people hear what they expect to hear rather than what was actually meant.

[Batya33]

I also think, in case this wasn't said, that the man in question is not particularly attractive looking, that she felt she was doing you a BIG favor (whether or not that is true that she was), and that your question came accross as not being appreciative of her efforts.

 

I still agree that what she said in response was uncalled for.

 

I've set up a lot of people in my day and while I welcome the "so, what's he like?" or "that's great that he expressed an interest - from your impression do you think we'd have things in common?"

 

I don't think it's shallow at all to ask what he looks like but as the first question to ask "is he attractive" it might come accross as unappreciative and a tad shallow.

 

I agree with DN to take this as an opportunity to take the plunge and ask her. I had a tough conversation like that with my mother in the last few months and she was very surprised at how I took certain comments she'd made over the years.

 

All the best to you.

[JadedStar]

Sometimes though, are paren'ts can be our harshest criticts, and their words cut the deepest......

 

I totally agree with this.

 

We call all say what we THINK was intended by mom's words, but it doesn't matter what WE think. Skyblue has said she has always been made to feel small around her family, so who are we to tell her that these words were innocuous?

 

Even if they were, they cut her like a knife regardless. If it didn't hurt her she wouldn't be here creating a thread about it. A parent's words CAN be the most harsh of all, especially for those who have spent their whole lives vying for their attention and approval.

 

All this being said, tho, i still agree that skyblue should speak to her mom and ask her what she meant by that comment and i think she should tell her mom how it made her feel.

[DN]

so who are we to tell her that these words were innocuous?

 

Because it is always wise in a situation like this to get another perspective on what may have been meant when the meaning is not crystal clear. It is entirely possible that this is the latest in a long series of misunderstandings and badly interpretated communication in this family.

 

It fine to validate someone and say "Yes, you are right". But sometimes it is useful to offer another possible interpretation of a situation and to suggest asking the person who made the offending statement to clarify.

[Siriana]

I don't know why a question is he good looking is the one that asks for a lesson.

If someone mentioned a blind date to me i would ask the same - is he good looking, or wrapped it nicer in how does he look like?

Why? because it's a blind date! And i don't wanna go there completely blind - Shed some light on me please!

 

I don't wanna end up horribly surprised if a guy has a certain style I strongly dislike (and again, don't preach me about personality - persons style it's a reflection of persons lifestyle.) and also i would like to know if that person has a certain physical characteristic I might dislike.

 

If there was a need for a lesson (maybe we miss something here since we don't know you in real life) than it could have been done politely.

 

 

As far as I'm concerned I would say: I didn't ask how I look, I asked how he looks like, what is your problem?

[itsallgrand]

To be honest, I think this got blown way out of proportion.

 

I think your mom has been getting to you for a while and living in the same place as her doesn't help. So soon enough everything she says or does seems like a personal attack - whether it was meant that way or not, rude or not.

 

Are you ok in the first place with your mom setting you up?

 

I've always hated when my mother tries to set me up. Her heart is in the right place, but man, that isn't going to happen.

 

All I know is: if you have troubles with your mom now, living with her is just going to make it worse. Space is indeed a sweet thing.

[JadedStar]

I don't know why a question is he good looking is the one that asks for a lesson.

If someone mentioned a blind date to me i would ask the same - is he good looking, or wrapped it nicer in how does he look like?

Why? because it's a blind date! And i don't wanna go there completely blind - Shed some light on me please!

.

 

 

As far as I'm concerned I would say: I didn't ask how I look, I asked how he looks like, what is your problem?

 

I agree. None of us know her mom's intent, but it sure wasn't nice no matter how you slice it.

 

I think ANYBODY would ask what a blind date looked like. They'd be lying if they really didn't care.

 

I agree with those who said she is now 27 and if she doesn't tihnk her relationship with her mom has been healthy it is high time to move out.

 

My mother was super critical of me. Our relationship didn't start to become unstrained and closer until I moved out. But I moved out at 18 BECAUSE it was so strained. I didn't waste any time. I felt so much relief not sharing the same roof with her. We are very close today.

[Batya33]

I don't know why a question is he good looking is the one that asks for a lesson.

 

 

 

As far as I'm concerned I would say: I didn't ask how I look, I asked how he looks like, what is your problem?

 

I think it's fine to ask what the person looks like or if he's good looking but not as the very first question if you want that person to be motivated to continue to set you up and if you want to avoid the impression that your top priority is looks. When I've been set up I ask what he looks like among other questions but usually the person who does the matchmaking will describe the person's looks to some extent. I am not picky about looks so I don''t feel the need to know much more beyond whether he is presentable looking (except the time asked nothing, and the guy who set us up neglected to tell me he was 6"7 and I wore flats - I am 5"2 - would have been good to know that in advance).

[JadedStar]

In skyblue's defense, however, if she grew up with a mom who criticized her it is easy to see why her mom;s comment "got to her".

 

And also in her defense this was her mom and sis she asked "is he good looking too". One would think in the presense of family you could ask such a harmless question without being judged.

 

Just sounds like a lot of poor communication between her and her mom. But some mothers are very unreasonable no matter how hard you try which is why i encourage her to move out since she is 27 if the environment is negative feeling.

[Siriana]

Oh, you live with your mom?

thats disastrous for your well being!

[hmdreamer7]

I mean no offense by this, but you're 27 years old, you're an adult and shouldn't be allowing your mom's comments to hurt your self esteem. Only YOU can change how you see yourself, no matter how many times your mom says things to you that are negative... As long as YOU think you're good looking, that's all that really matters. And if the first thing you wanna know about a guy you haven't met before is if he's good looking, then that's your own darn business!

 

However, I do agree with those who've posted about putting some space between you and your mom. That's definitely going to help you let go of her, and how she affects you with her comments.