question on people's morals and values

[sourpeach]

i've read countless times here about someone finding out that someone else is cheating (their friend or sibling or co-worker, whatever) on their SO. then the question comes "do i tell that person's SO?" and then everyone tells them "NO DONT TELL MIND YOUR BUSINESS IT IS THEIR PROBLEM!"

 

i disagree.. and well.. just want to ask... if any one of YOU were in the 3rd position (person being cheated ON), and you had no idea, no suspicion, etc., and someone else found out.. wouldn't you want to be told? or would you really want to keep living in ignorant bliss.. to possibly get a disease or have your SO father another womans child/get pregnant by another man?

 

i would want to be told.

[BellaDonna]

I would want to be told as well. However I don't believe that necessarily makes it the person's (who found out the info) responsibility to have to tell. Ultimately it was cheater's responsibility to stay faithful and they are really the ones to blame in the situation.

[CallingAllAngels]

I would want to be told...many people knew my (now) exhusband was cheating on me some 11 years ago, and I wish I was told by ONE person back then.

 

I would have had the OPTION of doing what I wanted with my life at that time.

 

I lost 12 years I can't get back. Not only did he cheat with that woman, but countless others.

 

It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

 

Yes, I would definitely want to know.

[barbielovesmac]

I too, would want to be told. I agree with BellaDonna.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

personally, I would not tell you in the first instant because people often shoot the messenger, but I would not ignore the knowledge either.

 

I would tell your significant other that I knew, and that if he didnt tell you himself then I would

[redhearts]

You tell someone without making it your business. Plain n simple hey your mans cheating or your girl is and thats all I'll say. Or a small detail but say I don't want to get caught in the middle. I would want to be told.

[Aurian]

You are right, often people are too entangled with their other and will disbelieve the messenger or push them away rather than hear something they do not want to hear. Someone might choose to stand by their guy instead of listening to a friend, especially if that guy is good at words and manipulation.

 

I would try to be anonymous. Alert the person, give them a way to find out for themselves perhaps, without giving them a target to blame me.

 

I`d want to know. However, without proof, I can`t say who I would believe.

[Lionel Hutz]

Interesting. I have kept my mouth shut about my friends cheating. Hell, they cheat on each other. I have known this girl since about 9th grade and her boyfriend I have known since my sophmore year. I am really good friends with both of them, moreso the male since we chill and use to make music together. He cheats on her and brings the girls around to hang while his g/f is away. Also in times before she called me to confide that she slept with someone and blah blah blah, and Im pretty sure this behavior persist. I mind my own though. I would want to know if my g/f was cheating however.

[Lana0120]

You might want to be told, but for some people, ignorance truly is bliss! I really think it depends on the situation. I think if the people are involved are people you barely know, then it really is none of your business and if you tell anyone, it does amount to interfering. If it's two people you do know quite well, I'm a great believer in telling the cheater to 'fess up, and if he/she doesn't, then reveal the truth.

[truthbetold]

Me and my boyfriend had this conversation quite a few times before because we both stand on opposite sides of the fence. He says that if he knew he wouldn't say anything because it's none of his business. I said so even if you're best friend was getting cheated on you would rather them sit around in ignorant bliss then tell them and leave them some kind of dignity to dump the person. He's like no it's none of my business, then again my boyfriend was a cheater himself. (but that's a story for another day)

 

Me on the other hand because I've been cheated on but even before have always said that if I knew someone was fooling around on someone I know I would tell them. I think it would be harder to confront the person who is out doing the cheating because then they have a time and opportunity to say so and so saw me out with whatherface yesterday and I just wanted to tell you because she's gonna say some bad stuff about it. In other words time to cover their tracks. Where as if you catch someone fooling around I would go straight to their SO and say look you may hate me for this but I sure hope not, I saw so and so with whatsherface and I'm pretty sure s/he's cheating on you. As my screen name implies I would rather have the truth that sheds a tear then the lie that makes me smile.

And again when it happened to me the first time I found out straight from my cheating ex man which I think takes balls and is the only reason I still talk to him, but told him we'd never date again.

[lifeiscash]

I've been cheated on recently and I am so glad that I found out and was told the whole scenario. It gave me the closure that I needed that things were officially done with my ex and I. I think that people who keep it from others is because they don't want to get involved and be part of the blame or the hype of the situation. However, it means so much to the person who was cheated on. Maybe not at the moment but once they get their lives back on track they will respect the person who told them more than they will realize.

[Lana0120]

I don't understand people who watch their friends being cheated on without saying anything. I can understand that it might be difficult if both parties were your friends, as it means that you're in effect, taking sides. I'd either just have to ditch both friends and remove myself entirely from the situation or tell the friend (if the whole ultimatum thing didn't work). I mean if you knew someone cheated once, because they confided in you or something... that's different. But to actually know that someone is going around with a bit on the side? I couldn't keep that to myself.

[Applewhite]

If I told the girl he was cheating on her, because I was hurt and angry and vengeful does that make me moral or immoral. If you read my other threads it will make more sense.

[Lana0120]

If I told the girl he was cheating on her, because I was hurt and angry and vengeful does that make me moral or immoral. If you read my other threads it will make more sense.

 

From what you said in your other posts, he had intent to cheat - with you - but you didn't know of any other encounters. If you went and told the girl about this, you'd sound like the jealous, pathetic ex, and it would be very easy for him to dress it up that way. So, I don't think it's a matter of you being moral or immoral by choosing to tell or deciding not to, but that there's little to be gained from it. It's unlikely that she'd believe you and you'd look pretty pitiful. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but I think that is one of those situations where you should steer well clear and not spill the beans.

[servedcold]

I would want to be told, and in most situations, if I had very good grounds for knowing there was cheating going on, wouldn't hesitate to tell in the slightest.

 

Will take it even a step farther, and say that if you would want to be told, then it IS your responsibility to tell in such situations. Not telling is selfish.

[tangi39]

I would want to know.

 

And in the reverse situation, I would tell a friend if I knew.

 

If a person doesn't want to get caught- they shouldn't cheat- and the partner has a right to know.

[mrmaximum]

I would want to be told, and in most situations, if I had very good grounds for knowing there was cheating going on, wouldn't hesitate to tell in the slightest.

 

Will take it even a step farther, and say that if you would want to be told, then it IS your responsibility to tell in such situations. Not telling is selfish.

 

Although it does depend on the situation like lana said as we have little to no credibility with people we don't know. But, just like served stated, to want to be 'warned' about your SO's misdeeds but to keep mum on your friend's situation is very selfish.

[cs90453]

I agree. I would tell the person but I would pick my time to tell them. I certainly wouldn't blurt it out like it's nothing. I think that I would just tell them in a setting that will allow them to react the way they feel. I had a friend that was told by someone that his wife was cheating on him and he didn't speak to that person for a while. So there's a risk of being shunned by the person but they usually come around once things settle and the person comes to grip on what's happened. I wouldn't take that personal if they avoid you for a while.

[Hope75]

I witnessed a boyfriend of one of my very good friends cheating on her a few years ago. I called her immediately and told her. She didn't believe me (even though he was a known jerk for many years) and stayed with him for several more years before figuring it out and leaving him. It strained our friendship because she knew I knew and she chose to ignore it and I lost some respect for her in the process.

 

Would I want to be told? Probably. But from the other perspective, I don't really think it's that person's obligation or responsibility to get involved, and it can just as easily back fire as it did on me when I told my friend.

 

I don't really think there is any 'right' answer. You do what you think is best and deal with the consequences.

[mrmaximum]

I witnessed a boyfriend of one of my very good friends cheating on her a few years ago. I called her immediately and told her. She didn't believe me (even though he was a known jerk for many years) and stayed with him for several more years before figuring it out and leaving him. It strained our friendship because she knew I knew and she chose to ignore it and I lost some respect for her in the process.

 

Would I want to be told? Probably. But from the other perspective, I don't really think it's that person's obligation or responsibility to get involved, and it can just as easily back fire as it did on me when I told my friend.

 

I don't really think there is any 'right' answer. You do what you think is best and deal with the consequences.

 

And I had to think about my own motivations for a time. This only applies to me however if someone decides to shun me for telling them what I have seen or have proof of, then this is something I simply have to deal with. My conscience is clear by doing right by them. Will everyone agree with this idea, no and neither should they. They live their own lives and so do I.

[Enigmatika]

I'd prefer the cold hard ugly truth.

...it would hurt less than to hear it through the grapevine.

[Batya33]

I would tell only if there was also a health/physical danger part - to my friend, her children, her unborn child, whatever. If not, I would first tell the cheater I knew and that if he didn't tell her I would have no choice but to.

 

But I would have to know 100% that cheating was going on - that the couple was married or exclusive and that the cheater was having sex with the other person. Suspecting or seeing him flirt with other women or be "best friends" with another woman wouldn't be enough for me to start trouble.

 

I also don't believe in telling someone that you learned that their ex, when they were together, cheated on the person unless you also know that there is physical danger involved (like an STD). What's past should stay in the past even if the person is still friendly with the ex. that's where I draw the line.

[Miss Firecracker]

I don't know how I would ever know for certain if someone was cheating unless they did it with me. So many people feel it's OK to hang out, what I call dating, with married people now. How do you ever know for certain if someone is cheating unless you are in a bedroom watching them have sex?

[Batya33]

I certainly hang out with male friends including friends who are married or in exclusive relationships. I am not dating them, have no interest in dating them, and no one is cheating or behaving in the least bit inappropriately. What a sad world it would be if a woman couldn't hang out with her male friend anymore one on one just because he was married.

 

I would feel comfortable knowing if I saw a friend's husband or wife/SO making out with someone else or all over each other, that there was probably something going on. I would not if I simply saw them out at lunch or dinner, talking. I would know if I overheard a clear conversation about sexual activity going on and I was sure it wasn't a joke, etc.

[catwalk]

I've said it before and will say again, I would want to be told!

 

It really does depend on the individual situation, but I know it's usually a hard decision for the person who knows to tell in the first place. They have to wrestle with their feelings about it and what if any harm will come to them for telling.