Fiance putting a tonne of pressure on me!! HELP!

[stephie26]

Thank you all for the posts.. I read them all... hmmm.. see I know I do agree with the red flag behaviors.. I have been seeing a counsellor and she also sees these behaviors and warns me they will not change with marriage, will get worse.. She thinks he is an unhealthy person and has alot of emotional baggage (which he does) hence the insecurities and possessiveness...

 

And yes I agree to many of the posters who say I'm just not ready to get married... I think of that often... But I don't understand if I'm not ready for marriage what else am I supposed to be doing? I don't care to go out and date a bunch of guys, have random sex, or drink every night... I am past that.. I have always preferred to be in a relationship... I just enjoy sharing everything with one person that I am close to/love/and have a friendship with.

 

Maybe I am so stuck on loving relationships, that my fiance is not quite meeting my standards or fullfilling what I want, but I'm so stuck to whats secure and safe.. and that is to stay with him instead of being alone.

 

I'm just very lost in life...All I want is to be happy, married, have fun with my partner, have some friend time and have children... I WANT all that...

Why am I afraid of it?

Is it him?

I don't know........... I constantly think about how badly I just want to be secure and have my family/partner and kids down the road.. that is all my dreams.. I don't picture myself as this single, independent, party woman who can just be happy on my own.

Is this normal? I am so relationship oriented... that it's maybe a bad thing?

 

Does anyone else feel this way or know anyone that has been this way? Do I have an addiction??

 

Or a part of me feels that if my fiance could drop his issues (jealousy/control/eetc.) we could be happy and great together! I just keep wanting more from him... more communication, more intimacy, more trust, more of all the important things that count.. and I feel it's just not there... it's not meeting the mark... If he could fulfill all these things I feel I would be truly happy and safe being with him. Maybe that's it, he's just not filling my basic requirements for a strong healthy relationship? And yes I have communicated many many times what I feel is lacking.... He doesn't get it.. or he chooses to ignore it, I don't know. We have terrible communication.. everything I communicate that comes accross as "You're not doing this, or we aren't working at this" he takes as negative and failure maybe? He can't acknowledge anything... It's like he thinks ignoring things will make things magically fix themselves...

[redhearts]

Honestly your saying hes not the one. I'm the type of person who only wants committed relationships, I don't believe in partying or messing around. To me this sounds like hes controlling and thats something you can't change in a person. Its rare to, but he has to want to change himself, you can't force it or act like hes eventually going to.

 

What you need is a guy who respects you, lets you have your girl time, lets you have your freedom, values your opinion on when you like to get married etc.

 

If your just not happy and this guy is pushing you to your limits. You have a great career on your way right? Your good on your own right now. I think you just need to find someone you connect with on a much healthier level and you will realise you made the right choice.

 

Or really don't even worry about guys right now. Just be on your own and figure your life out first, then try to find a better guy.

[Blackbear]

Sounds like a CONTROL TACTIC TO ME! " If I marry her and have children with her, she wont go anywhere! " Something is WRONG! BEWARE! I am not kidding in the least. If you have red flags going up, pay close attention to them. Trust me, I specialized in this field! Also, there is nothing wrong with breaking an engagement or "putting it on hold until we're sure" -worse case scenario! I did it. It just means you need to be thanking your lucky stars that you found out this information before taking that long journey down that disturbing path you were headed for. Sometimes this is when their true colors start to ooze out.

[DN]

I am not trying to pressure you into doing anything - it seems there are many issues here.

 

But if the genders were reversed here and going from your original post I am fairly sure that people would be saying that you, as a man, would have been a commitmentphobe.

[sti_2004]

heres my take on this.

 

so your both insecure.

 

he's super jeleous and doesnt want you to be free which is killing you slowly but you dont want to tell him you dont want to marry him because you dont want to lose the good security which is hard to come by.

 

figure out a way you guys can sit down and talk productivly. tell him it's serious.

tell him what you need from him in order for a future marraige to work and explain to him how he's pushing you away and your feelings on how you really do love him but he's not letting you take the next step.

try to talk it all out and give him the opportunity to change some of his ways. maybe he can maybe he cant. if he cant you'll have to find someone else that can give you what you want because your not asking for alot.

 

(does he have reason to be so jeleous?? when you go out are you wild and flirty? do your friends encourage this behaviour?)

 

atleast keep my advice in mind. its more contructive than "dump his a**".

[Hope75]

I completely agree after reading your posts that you should not marry this man, in fact, I agree that you should not be with him.

 

However, as DN mentioned, he proposed to you and you said yes- by your own account 'because you were in love and happy' -- not because you were ready and willing to marry him in the immediate future, which is by definition what accepting a marriage proposal means.

 

You are comfortable with him but not ready to marry him- knowing this is what he wants you gave him the wrong idea when you accepted his proposal and then put the brakes on the marriage planning.

 

I think both of you are looking for things in this relationship that neither of you is willing to give, or that just aren't there.

[Batya33]

I completely agree with DN that it is unfair to promise to marry someone - that is what being engaged means- it's not just a pretty diamond, presents, and getting to tell people "we're engaged!" - and then refuse to set a wedding date within a reasonable time after becoming engaged if you are an adult (I can see waiting 4 years when you're 18 to finish college first, etc but that's not this situation).

 

It sounds like you are very unsure of whether he is the one and while he might be controlling your behavior is probably bringing that out in him even more.

 

I do not agree that all doubts mean don't get married - some doubts are normal and it's healthy to be honest with yourself about them and see if they can be resolved - but in your case it simply sounds like you promised to marry at a time when you were smitten, now you are no longer smitten and you're feeling trapped.It happens, but please free him to meet someone who does want to commit to him and just live your life - whether that means dating, not dating, socializing, learning to salsa, whatever - you don't need a "status" such as engaged or committed to be a full person and have a full life.

[lady00]

What did you decide? I agree with others that say you should break things off...you don't sound happy in this relationship, let alone in a good position to marry this man.