I am new and hurting so much...

[notagain0167]

Actually, it was sincere...you nasty, vitriolic post made me realize exactly what is going on.

 

I hope you'll be able to take your own advice at some point. Take care of yourself.

[servedcold]

In fact, I am the one in this relationship with commitment phobic issues. He called me the runaway bride for the first six months we dated.

 

In your first post, you asked if anyone could feel as he does. I'll give it a shot.

 

It's understandable that courtships might be expected to progress towards marriage faster in the 40s. Reading the above quote, however, together with your first post, specifically the part about his bad marriage, I have to ask, how long has it been since he felt he could truly trust your feelings? Six months or so? His child has been through one divorce, and I imagine he wants to avert a second at all costs, as a loving parent should, and as I'm sure you do. This could color his feelings on the issue, as you seem to acknowledge.

 

You also say that you aren't ready for marriage at this moment, but despite this, expect him to precommit to a specific timeframe in the uncertain future? This doesn't make sense to me. 40s or not, courtships just don't work this way. It's as if you are asking for some sort of future marriage insurance, a promise to make a promise if you will. The crux of the timeframe disagreement between you two sounds speculative and metaphysical in this light, even merely semantic, and such "angels on the head of a pin" distinctions aren't really relationship ending issues, are they? Maybe so in this case, please think on it.

 

To clarify, while it would be totally reasonable to expect him to agree to "work towards marriage" generally, demanding a specific future timeframe when you yourself aren't ready now, and you yourself have exhibited commitmentphobic behavior in the relatively recent past doesn't seem quite fair to him, especially in light of his prior married experience.

 

Even if you two started moving the timeframes together, he says, maybe 2.5-3 years, and you agree, have you really gained anything substantial in an uncertain future? If he says, "I know I want to marry you, just can't guarantee any specific timeframe at this moment," what would your reaction be? Could you live with that? Most of the questions here are rhetorical obviously, for you to think about. Feel free to answer them here if you like.

 

Is it possible that the real underlying issue is not the "marriage timeframe" disagreement, but the disagreement about traveling together as if married? There seems to be more non-speculative meat here, and perhaps room for some negotiation. Would it be possible to negotiate travel and couple activities in a way that would make you more comfortable? Separate rooms? that sort of thing?

 

Maybe the situation is not so dire. Best wishes.

[notagain0167]

You make some excellent points. It isn't so much that I want a secure "time frame". There have been some issues that early on we both thought best to work on with a third party. Nothing heavy, just really learning to communicate better with each other, resolve conflict, etc. We're very alike in that we'd rather work on something when things are going well instead of waiting until it could get really bad. Not borrowing trouble, just respecting each other to the point of learning to love them well. I did what we discussed and he acknowledged that, however, he never got around to it. This has happened three or four times now over different issues. He has not been dishonest, but he has not followed through on what he said he would do and that's a red flag for me.

 

I don't expect a pre-commitment of any kind, but I don't want to continue working on different things (many that were his idea for both of us) without his participation. The vacation issue is that I care very much what message I'm sending to my daughter. Those are very personal issues and I know others may feel differently. I am extremely protective of my daughter as she longs for a father figure. He is so good to her. There are also issues with his child. His child is struggling so much with why his mom and dad aren't together and its heartbreaking to see. He likes us very much but you can just see the confusion in his eyes.

 

My issues last weekend were much more about realizing how one sided some things were in regard to some of the things we purposed to work on together. Again, more than half were his idea. He has said many times that he needs IC regarding his divorce. Not remaining feelings, but having stayed so much longer than he should have. He was miserable for so long but guilt and fear guided his decisions at the time. He is desperately afraid of making the same mistake and so conflicted.

 

We are meeting to talk today and I'm hopeful for some type of compromise, I'm just uncertain of how that would work in a tangible sense. One thing I know for sure is that we'll both be honest. Neither of us wants pain for the other but we also want to face reality.

 

Its not easy. I'm thankful that we respect each other's place in our hearts right now. I'm hopeful yet guarded, as is he. Regardless of whether or not we make it, he's an awesome man.

 

oops, forgot to answer a couple of your questions and they were good ones. Yes, if he said he knew he wanted to marry me but didn't know when and began following through on other things then I would feel much more comfortable. In hindsight, I think he has needed time to process some things. How that will look, I have no idea. I'm scared actually, but only because its painful.