thought he was the perfect guy...but i found out the truth

[DJG]

servedcold, i applaud your wiseness, ability to write, mister.Made me me wanna go "wow!" and get registered

missmebaby, short and simple: looking for something more than occasional going outs, sex?It's sooo not a guy for you!From a point of view of an attractive, young male (myself) it's very simple: your fling is a semi good player that enjoys the usual "girls, parties, being drunk and sexed up" BUT, due to his experiences, gets what he needs trough smooth talking.I'm afraid that you'll never find out most things from his past, like how many girls there actually were and how he fooled them.I feel awkward, uneasy telling you that he, probably, wanted to get you in bed above anything else.If you would refuse sex-it would end quickly with a million of believable reasons.

First extreme red flag is flattering you all the time, a big no-no because it's a mask.Second one is how he keeps pretending being in your business.Real reason for doing that: being in total control over you but good intentions cover up.Then his party friends: you've got a slight peak of how transparent he might be behind your back (and it's only a peak).

Conclusion: answers to all of your possible questions are already prepared or they will be in a second.Those answers have nothing to do with reality or you never can be sure.Need somebody like that?It's your call.Be brave as i'm feeling for you...

[missmebaby]

:sigh: well for some reason i thought i would just kind of let it blow over. i was going to forgive him, just not forget about it. you know, keep it in the back of my mind so i could be more aware of him acting different or trying to hide something from me. a couple days ago he came out and told me he changed his mind and wasnt going to myrtle beach....because he would rather go somewhere with me this summer. so that made me feel a little bit better.

 

but then this morning i logged onto my myspace and looked at his page. there was a comment from this girl he always talks to and one of the girls on myspace that he was messaging saying you really caught my eye and your boyfriend is a lucky man. she wrote him a comment talking about him taking her for a quick ride last night and that it was a great idea but she about died because he was driving like crazy. he took his boss' $130,000 mercedes sports car out last night and he must have taken her for a ride before i came over. and i wondered why he told me to come over a half hour later than usual....now i know why. i never thought i had to worry about this girl because hes never tried to hide her from me, he always tells me when he talks to her, and she has a boyfriend. but now its becoming every day that they talk and she always leaves him flirty comments on myspace, and now hes picking her up in his boss' sports car so he can show off.

 

so once again i checked his email...there was nothing else to his ex or anything like that but i saw where he had been on 2 sex search websites looking for girls to hook up. he had a profile with pictures and everything on both sites, and on the one site he had messaged a girl about a week and a half ago saying "i am very interested in getting to know you, i really hope to hear back from you." but she never wrote back from what i could tell. one of her pictures was her face and she was a gorgeous porn star looking girl, and the other picture was her naked, with a close up of her crotch.

 

i am so disgusted...i dont know what his intentions are with these sites. if he really wants to meet up with a girl and hook up or if this is just something fun that turns him on, like porn and he would never actually invite the girl over. i cant believe he is like this, i thought he was totally different. he comes from a very strict religious family, he seems like such a nice guy, he treats me so well, and he seemed like he really really respected women. i mean he insisted that we take everything at my pace and hold off on sex until i was absolutely ready. he never ever pressured me about it, he told me he loved to just lay in bed and cuddle and talk with me. even now since we've started having sex its never him that initiates it, he always waits for me to make the move and then he gets into it.

 

another thing ive realized is that i think the reason he is with me is to have someone to hang out with during the week and whenever hes not going out with his friends. he lives by himself and hes always saying how lonely it is and how it sucks to realize theres no one at home waiting for you. we hang out all the time during the week because he gets off work around 7pm and then comes home to an empty house and doesnt have anything to do...he asked me to hang out last night which was a friday but he wasnt planning on going out because he had to get up really early this morning to put in an extra day at work. tonight is the night hes going out and of course he didnt ask me to come with him.

 

ughhhh i am so upset that he had to turn out like this. i absolutely love having a boyfriend during the summer, there are so many fun things you can do together and vacations you can take, and spend time together outside. plus he has so many great ideas for fun things to do...he wants to take me somewhere on vacation this summer, he mentioned us staying on his friend's houseboat for a week in August, he has tickets to a nighttime nascar race in a few months. it really sucks when your so looking forward to something and you know your summer is going to be a blast and then something beyond your control goes and ruins it.

[JadedStar]

The answer to "what he wants" is easily found.

 

Attention/adoration/fun/sex/conversation/approval/applause.

 

That's why he's so charming, deilghtful, etc. when you two are together.

 

it's that youo're looking to evaluate him for relationship material - while eliminating all the high of infatuation for yourself that's the problem.

 

You're trying to evaluate how he feels and what he wants in life - he's reacting to how he feels at the moment he feels it.

 

He means what he says when he says it - but he's not saying anything that involves 5 minutes from now.

 

 

This is a mistake many people make in new relatinoships. Women tend to overanalyze things...men tend to react to how they feel at the moment. When with someone they might feel love and high on infatuation but when away from that person might not feel much at all.

 

It's not that they are lying it's just that they are not committed and react to how they feel at the time.

[JadedStar]

Jaded, sure they are in the getting to know you phase, and they probably agreed to exclusivity a little fast. They still agreed to date exclusively and he should not be communicating with an ex in the slimy fishing expedition way in which he is, early or not. He's obviously testing the waters with his ex for a romp, and is using the "doth protest too much" strategy to do so. OP is not to blame for believing his claims of wanting exclusivity and expecting him to honor them.

 

servedcold, i never said i agreed wtih what he is doing. What i said was she is expecting too much of someone she doesn't know and expecting things he apparently is not willing to give.

 

Sure he should honor the exclusivity he agreed to, but i think that she is not looking at his other actions....what he SAYS and what he DOES are not congruent.

 

Her mistake is in trusting that this man actually will do what he says.

 

Just because he is behaving badly doesn't mean she can change it. SHE CAN change her situation, however, and stop letting her feelings of infatuation make her keep running back for more.

 

This is why it is a bit crazy to agree to exclusivity before you feel like you really know the person. She has been given many signs that this man is not ready to commit to her and instead of drving herself bananas analyzing his actions she should just realize the actions at hand are telling her that what he says and does don't jive.

 

So I disagree about the OP not being to blame for believing his claims of exclusivity. Based on what I have read he has given more than just several reasons as to why what he says bears zero weight. She is not to blame for him DOING it, but there is some blame to be had for her BELIEVING him when nothing he does reflects an honest man. She is turning the cheek to very alarming behaviors in hopes of molding him into being the guy she'd like to have.

 

If a pet owner has a dog that bites you every time you visit him, yet this same owner keeps telling you this dog does not bite, does it make you foolish for continuing to believe this despite being bitten so many times? Do you not after the first time or two bear the bulk of the responsiblity for the bite wounds for refusing to see what is right in front of you?

[dream83]

Missmebaby, I really empathize with you. You don't deserve to be treated this way. But, it really is time to be a smart, strong woman and stand up for yourself. You can do it. You keep saying you don't know his intentions with the sex sites, but I'm pretty sure you do. You just don't want to face it. The reality is that this guy has been hiding things from you. And it appears that he's running around w/ half the women in town. I don't mean to sound like a public service announcement, but that's how diseases are spread. You have no idea what sort of "practices" this guy has with these other women. And you don't know where any of these people have "been". I'm trying to put it lightly here...Please get out of this situation for your own health and safety, not to mention your own sanity!

 

Think about this. Is having a guy around to take you to fun places during the summer really worth compromising your own health, well-being, and expections in a relationship? You can find a guy who will treat you well and who will truly be exclusive with you. I think you just need start taking responsibility for really getting to know a guy before you trust him, and you should understand that waiting for that right guy absolutely will take patience. But, you have to be careful. In the meantime maybe you can go out with your really good female friends and spend time with them this summer?

 

I also want to point out that this guy has been feeding you every classic line from the Dirtbag Handbook: "I can't believe you would assume that I'm only in this for sex! It really hurts me that you would question me like that!" "I'm sorry. I was hurt before. I've got a bit of a guard up." "Would I be hanging out with you if I were looking for someone else?!?" "I'm not looking to get married yet. I just want a girlfriend to hang out w/ and I want that girl to be you." ...probably EVERY woman on this forum has been fed these exact lines by some disgusting pig or another. I know I've heard them all before. They never stop. It never changes. And they are counting on the fact that you will let it "blow over,"...again and again and again.

 

With that said, for your own good I think you should contact him immediately and break it off. Make it short and sweet. You don't even owe him any explanations (after all, it is still early and clearly he has "back-up plans" in place already). I will agree with the others that you really shouldn't snoop (unless you have very a concrete reason to do so, I think). But, I am glad you found out all this stuff now. So, the power is yours to protect yourself and walk away because it only gets worse. You have got to look out for yourself in this situation, because clearly he has no concern for your best interest. And in the future, don't let anyone convince you to get serious unless you have spent enough time with this person and he has proven himself worthy.

[ladyblue07]

I agree with dream83. Telling his ex that he is single is very bad on its own. The only reason he would do that is because he wants his ex to know he's ready to be with her as soon as she wants him back

The fact that he is on sex sites, trying to find more girls to have sex with, is even worse! That is a very big warning sign!

This guy is not who you thought he was. A lot of times, people hide their true self in a relationship at first, but after a few months the real person comes out. You are starting to see glimpses of the person he REALLY is now: a liar.

 

The summer has barely begun. If you break up with this guy now, you still have plenty of time to find someone else fun to spend time with over the summer. I would not recommend jumping right into an exclusive relationship with anyone again, but it wouldn't be hard to find someone you can hang out with and have fun with who isn't lying to you!

[Batya33]

I completely agree with JS's assessment in total. I am sorry you found these messages and if I felt the need to snoop especially this early in that would be all the answers I needed as far as that the relationship was unhealthy. I found your earlier posts about him had inconsistencies and had self-denial - when you felt smitten he was "perfect" and you defended him to the death and when you felt insecure you focused on his interest in partying with the boys, canceling plans with you even early on, etc. In general I don't think what you found out by snooping was too surprising - it was fairly consistent with aspects of his character you knew about from the beginning. Still I know that stomach feeling and I am sorry you had and are having this experience.

 

My bf and I were exclusive - in every way (we waited for a few months to have sex) from the second date on. But I had known him for many years, we had dated several years earlier and the decision was not based on infatuation (or on "love" that early on) but it was based on all I knew about his character, values, goals, desires that had been true and consistent for the many years I knew him. I don't have his e-mail password, he doesn't have mine nor would I have any reason to want it or to check up on him.

[ncnc]

This guy is A TOTAL PLAYER!!! A sleaze ball!! You must get out now or you will regret it!! He is telling you exactly what he knows you want to hear, what he knows will make you feel special so he can get what he wants - What a Loser, he will more than likely never change!!! He'll always be a pathetic disgusting player who you will NEVER be able to trust.

 

Please listen to the advice you are being given here!! LIAR LIAR LIAR!!!