Are men afraid of women who know what we want sexually?

[servedcold]

We are absolutely saturated in a popular culture and media (in the U.S. at least) where the sexually aggressive white male (other races seem to get a pass on Lifetime, lol) is portrayed as the very epitome of evil, the date rapist, the harassing boss, the child molester, the sexual predator, the cheater, etc. Every daytime talk show and soap opera contains themes related to sexual abuse at the hands of the evil white man. Unlike women, we don't have the luxury currently of wearing our sex drive proudly in plain view... or we go to jail, or at the very least suffer social stigma.

 

[EDIT: I'm not condoning any of the above bad sexual behavior, merely stating that in the current culture, men are taught that their natural, normal sex drive equates to deviance and is something to be ashamed of]

 

As DN says (more succinctly than me I'm afraid), when normal, healthy men exhibit a normal, healthy interest in sex, we are called "players," or pick up artists, or "you just want me for sex, you don't value me as a person."

 

Bookstore racks are filled with drivel posing as self-help or relationship advice proclaiming that if a man shows primarily sexual interest, "he's just not that into you," and should be blown off, ignored or reported to the police.

 

Each and every modern man with even a small amount of sexual experience has been in the situation where what started out as some casual, no-strings sex suddenly became a smear campaign among friends, coworkers family when the woman developed feelings, some of us have been in this place many times. We don't whine incessantly like the women OP thinks we are, so you don't hear about this, but it happens everywhere every day.

 

Many men have been placed in life-threatening situations by being branded a stalker by an overzealous woman after a mere sexual come-on or two. Many have been sued for sexual harassment unjustly as a ploy to pick the deep pockets of corporations.

 

Many men have been trapped unjustly by women claiming casual sex resulted in pregnancy, a shocking amount of wages and child support are paid by men for children that aren't even theirs. Men are regularly roped into marriages born of nothing more than the desire of certain women for a human wallet.

 

The abuse heaped on the white man and his sex drive in modern American culture is real, yet other than rants like this, again... we don't whine incessantly about it as women do at the slightest of slights and nonissues such as the OP's...

 

Yet... we persevere, we attempt to be quality companions, sexually and otherwise, to balance our testosterone with compassion and respect for women. We entertain the idea of relationships, because we believe it is the fair and right thing to do, when in actuality, at our animal core, in our lizard brains, most of us would rather be screwing a different woman every night free of any strings whatsoever, and moving on to the next with as much rapidity as possible. Thank God for the cerebral cortex.

 

And despite the fact that we all know the above to be the case, when we make immense effort to change ourselves to suit you and social norms, we hear that men are becoming like girls or women...

 

Modern women really and truly have no idea what they want, other than to have free reign to indulge their emotions and impulses as they see fit without any accountability whatsoever. The OP proves this in spades.

 

EDIT: sorry, the OP's post made me angry, the blanket statements about women are unwarranted, apply them to the OP only.

[JadedStar]

Being sexually assertive does not necessarily equate to being "dominant" nor does it even mean being sexually aggressive.

 

I get the feel the OP is sexually aggressive not just assertive about her own needs.

 

She has to realize that not every man is into that and it doesnt make them weak if they aren't.

[JadedStar]

And despite the fact that we all know the above to be the case, when we change ourselves to suit you and social norms, we hear that men are becoming like girls or women...

 

Servedcold i totally agree with the statement above.

[m12988]

I'm very thankful for women's rights, but i dont think women's rights has anything to do with this. I think i'd be very turned off by a man who tried to tell me what to do (against my will) sexually and i'd think that the same applies for men. I think two sexually compatible partners should know what they personally want, and learn what the other wants. I dont think anybody in any relationship should be "dominant" (well, unless it makes you both happy)

[Batya33]

I find that some women who are not entirely comfortable having casual sex, flings, and being aggressive about pursuing them pretend to themselves that what they are doing is consistent with being a "modern" woman or for women's rights or that they're being more sexually open in their sexual prime. I wouldn't know if the OP is one of those women although I found it interesting that she felt the need to link her personal desire for casual sex and going for it with some larger political agenda.

 

In my (indirect) experience what I've seen far more often is that these women feel disempowered, empty, and sexually unfulfilled. Sexual promiscuity shouldn't be confused with sexual openness -one can be very open within a committed monogamous relationship and very closed off or detached in casual encounters even if there are kinky or experimental things going on.

[DN]

Of course there is always the possibilty that you haven't yet met men who are sexually attracted to you. Some men will have sex with anyone that is true, but some are more discriminating.

 

It's just like waiting for a relationship - sometimes it takes a while to find someone.

[i_win]

I am 31 and seriously in my sexual prime, I have a friend she is 25 and you could say the same as me as far as her sex drive is concerned, we have spent the last few days b***ching about the fact that men have become women, we know what we want, especially when it comes to sex, and men being a bunch of girls, they either are so scared they can't perform, or they don't shut up during the whole process shaking like a leaf, they think if we want a booty call, it means we want a relationship (Booty call is just that sex, and nothing else).

 

What ever happened to the male out there driven by pure lust, and just wanted sex. (because he doesn't exist here anymore)

 

Has womens rights gone to far and we have hurt ourselves by becoming assertive and dominant?

 

You aren't looking very hard. I actually had a laugh because I wasn't even aware of guys that are scared to perform or shake and talk during sex? Maybe if they are virgins or have never had a relationship I could see maybe fumbling a bit but wow. My goodness, I don't know any guys that act like that.

 

I'd say change your social patterns and get out more...there are sexually confident males out there that will give you everything you need.

 

Try going for men that are more confident. I'd bet money that there is a whole world of confident males out there, but you are intimidated by them and so go for the more comfortable, less confident groups of men.

[thejigsup]

I have no problem asking for what pleases me in bed. That is what we are there for, right? If a man does not want to give that to me (nothing out of the ordinary, believe me), I leave and let him find someone who will enjoy his style. I am assertive in bed, just as a man would be. I ask nicely for what I want, move his hand to the correct spot, etc.. I never holler out instructions like a D.I., how crass that anyone would think women who are assertive do that sort of thing!

I do not care for casual sex, so I can see where a man would have a problem going out of his way for a one night fling, I wouldn't either. In defense of the guys, most men I have had the joy of knowing intimately are more than happy to accommodate me, in fact, they ask me what specifically I enjoy. Sex is for fun. What happens out of bed is romance. I think people mix these two up a bit.

[Batya33]

When I referred to drill seargant I was referring to the OP writing:

 

"assertive and dominant" - that to me implies that she wants to take control, not just be assertive. Of course assertive doesn't need to mean drill seargant but this particular OP in what she wrote seemed to be going beyond assertive.

[Day_Walker]

There are all kinds of men out there but it seems to be the ones that you are attracting happen to be the type you referred to. There are simply too many variables to say exactly what the issues is but there are men out there who just want to have no strings sex but as far as you finding them that is something that you will have to work on.

[amethyst exchange]

I think a lot of it is that we've been told, by media, by not too diplomatic gfs etc, etc, that women, can and will use sex as a weapon. Furthermore, that they don't want slathering beasts as bfs because these beasts are just...annoying in their pawing for more sex. That women, more than likely will have 'headaches' when their SOs desire to have sex...and furthermore that women are 'never satisfied' with their SOs performance.

 

Basically guys are being told 'we don't need it, we don't want it, and if we do it, it's never good enough from you'. Now, wouldn't that make a man a little less willing to be assertive. Wouldn't knowing your being judged on your performance by a someone who is already biased to not really being that thrilled with being with you, not make you nervous to the point of not performing.

[amtjrtcet]

Oh yes they do....just start having feelings for one of them, and BAM! he's not into you anymore....Keep your feelings locked up, he's like puddy in your hand....in my experience anyway...