in the meantime

[kuiks8]

As has been said, it is unliely that he did. I suspect it is partly because he was somewhat prepared and also because he has put up a defensive shield and is guarding his emotions.

 

It could be that he feels if he starts to show any emotion he will fall apart and wants to keep his self-respect.

 

To be very honest with you, I think you are being just a tad selfish over this - or at least not seeing things from his perspective. It's understandable and perhaps selfish is the wrong word - but you are the one who bailed on the marriage so it seems a little more understanding of his feelings might be in order.

 

this is the second time you have called me selfish on a thread i have posted...i really hate that word. I am doing everything in my power to be kind, respectful and graceful, without knowing the full background I don't know how you can make a judgment like that...I initiated this back 6 months ago by saying i was unhappy...he had his parts in it too...and he had his say in leaving as well.

I try to live my life in a grace filled compassionate understanding way and nothing hurts me more then having someone call me selfish. I have at times very much appreciated your advice-with that said you don't know the full story and I don't think you can make a judgment like that.

[JadedStar]

Yea, "amicable divorce" is surely an oxymoron. Even those who feel their split will be very cordial tend to get very hurt when a lot of "uglies" surface. Mine was as amicable as they get but still yet we suffered some serious pain and ugly conversations for about six months afterwards.

 

It is impossible to split and both are trodding along as if all is well and nothing has changed. It might even get a bit ugly after all is said and done. Most divorces do even when they both had good intentions to not let that happen.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have been through a lot of turmoil in my life and what has gotten me through the rough times is focusing on what needs to get done to sort out the problem and get back to as close to normal as possible. It comes down to putting things in boxes in your mind and pushing the negative thoughts away so that you can be functional and get things done. Back in the 90's I was living away from home. I was concerned about the job I was in because there were rumours of my boss closing up his laboratory to move accross the country...which would leave me scrambling for another job. During this turmoil, my grandfather got very sick and I went back home to be around during his last days. While I was home, the work problems flew out of my head so that I could deal with what was going on with the impending death of my grandfather. After the funeral, I went back to the other city and pushed the grieving aside while I dealt with the impending job loss and job hunt. While the pain on both fronts were there, it would have served no purpose to dwell on things when I had to deal with the practical matters in order to get my life in order.

 

It is quite possible that he is in survival mode, pushing the emotions on the back burner in order to be able to deal with the practical issues.

[DN]

this is the second time you have called me selfish on a thread i have posted...i really hate that word. I am doing everything in my power to be kind, respectful and graceful, without knowing the full background I don't know how you can make a judgment like that...I initiated this back 6 months ago by saying i was unhappy...he had his parts in it too...and he had his say in leaving as well.

I try to live my life in a grace filled compassionate understanding way and nothing hurts me more then having someone call me selfish. I have at times very much appreciated your advice-with that said you don't know the full story and I don't think you can make a judgment like that.

Well, as I said selfish was probably the wrong word but I can't think of another that fits. Basically, I think you aren't trying to see things from his point of view but only from your own. As I said, that is understandable but it won't serve either of you.

[CallingAllAngels]

Yea, "amicable divorce" is surely an oxymoron. Even those who feel their split will be very cordial tend to get very hurt when a lot of "uglies" surface. Mine was as amicable as they get but still yet we suffered some serious pain and ugly conversations for about six months afterwards.

 

It is impossible to split and both are trodding along as if all is well and nothing has changed. It might even get a bit ugly after all is said and done. Most divorces do even when they both had good intentions to not let that happen.

 

Spot on Ms. Jaded...

 

When I first sat down with a family friend who offered to mediate the case IF I agreed not to sue, he said "there is no such thing as an amicable divorce".

 

No truer words were ever spoken by man...

 

I ended up having to hire a divorce lawyer as my family friend does NOT handle divorce cases (AND I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY NOW!!!!!!

 

It's too messy...too painful on both sides of the coin.

[RayKay]

TAlking through a lawyer cost a fortune as they are paid by the hour...meaning, if they work on your case for 10 minutes, they will still charge you the full hour rate. Emailing may be a hassle but it would be the most economical choice.

 

I don't know many whom operate that way...most will break it down to increments (like 10 minutes, 15 minutes).

 

If you look at billings they often break it down on a "pro rated" basis rounded to next nearest increment or whatever).

[just M.E.]

Ray Kay - you are correct, mine charges in tenths, i.e. 1.2 hrs, 0.1 hrs, etc

[coco3]

Kuiks,

Here's my advice for what it's worth...I don't have quite the same situation, He left me in a very hurtful way, much more devastating than just telling me he wasn't happy. I did have the same problem as you that I was so hurt and confused by the fact that he didn't seem to care or have any respect for our relationship or life together. I started to do a lot better emotionally when I stopped contacting him and blocked direct access he had to me. We speak now through lawyers or one of his family members. The family member is free, lawyer costs money, but in my experience, he tends to not follow through on what he tells his family.

 

I think the reason NC helped me is that I do know that he has to have some type of strong emotions about me and our divorce. I also know that whatever his emotions may be, it doesn't matter. We won't reconcile, it won't change what he has done whether he is sorry or not. The only thing he has control over is how he chooses to act. Same with me. He chooses to act hostile, greedy, manipulative, blameless and I choose not to allow his behavior to dictate my actions. (to the best of my ability) That's when I decided my choice is to try to take care of myself, try to rebuild a life without him. I started noticing that this seemed to happen more easily when I had long periods of time that I didn't speak to him. When I would have contact, I'd be sad, upset, angry... This still happens, but the advantage is that for the most part, I choose when this will happen. Think of it like someone can push you into a pool, or you can choose to jump in, dip your toe in, whatever way you want to do it on your terms.....