He thinks I'm always mad at him...but rarely am.

[darkpumpkin]

Maybe it's my tone of voice, maybe I don't say things correctly or come off angry. My boyfriend always thinks I'm upset or mad if I'm not all bubbly or happy. Some days I'm just not the brightest star in the sky, but I'm human right?

 

He asked me to tell him if I was upset or sad, so I do (with somethings). I can't help that if he misses tons of family gatherings or what not due to working out of town that I will be slightly disappointed. But then he feels bad and acts like he doesn't know how to make me happy.

 

Any advice on how to get him to realize that after 7 months I'm not always going to be super bubbly and happy, that I want to be myself when I'm having down days?

 

I might add that I have never yelled at him and have always been supportive of his job. In fact when I try to fake the fact I'm happy when he tells me he's leaving again he always asks "are you going to miss me?, your sad aren't you?". *sigh*

[annie24]

i'd try to put on a smile while talking to him. you're at least happy when he calls, right? even if you aren't ms. bubbly. people can tell if you are smiling over the phone. maybe try to be more pleasant on the phone so he doesn't get down after talking to you.

[darkpumpkin]

I make sure I maintain that I am happy for the usual conversation. Never gruff, sometimes I sound tired or stressed out but I make it clear that I am those things due to work or other reasons. His response is "what can I do to fix it so your not".

[Excalibur]

Here's what you're not processing completely.

 

His interpretation/definition of you being "hapy" - is you being bubbly and upbeat. That's a result of his basic expectations of what happiness looks/sounds/feels/tastes/smells like (does he exhibit it often himself)......and it's a result of infatuation period where you were so delighted ,adoring, applauding, and appreciative of him and his attention you couldn't keep that stupid grin off your face in his presense, and everything he said was just "so wonderful".

 

He doesn't really know you very well.....and he can't know you as a person any better than he knows himself.

[mparks37]

I think everyone is different, and people grow up in different environments, which can cause these misunderstandings. I was in a 3 1/2 yr relationship that recently ended (why I'm here). We struggled with this same problem for much of the time we were together (it's not what broke us up though).

 

My ex-gf grew up in a p r i c k ly environment (not really abusive though). By that I mean she lived w/ her sister and mother, and they were very [] to one another for no apparant reason, but also really didn't ever fight often. For example, when I was around her family it amazed me that someone would say a fairly rude remark, or have a angry tone (at least I thought it was), maybe the other person would respond, but then it was all over like nothing happened at all; just like normal conversation. When I talked to my ex-gf about it, she had barely even noticed, and certainly didn't think it was a problem because that's how she grew up.

 

In my case I grew up in a pretty abusive situation, and if someone in my childhood house had said things like they do in my ex's house it would have led to a confrontation of some sort (maybe a bad argument, maybe it would get physical, it would be very bad either way). So, especially in the 1st half of our relationship, I would react when she acted like that in fight or flight mode. depending on the situation; I would either be hurt, and ask why she was being "like that"; or I would come back very strong with an aggressive response, probably stronger than hers had been, since I thought we were fighting already anyway (not physical of course, I'm all over that stuff). Either way she would kind of wonder either why I was so hurt or why I was aggressively argueing with her.

 

We had to talk it out, and work on it, but it did get better as our relationship progressed ( although we never conquered it). We both had to comprimise some; she watched what and how she said things more often, and I tried to grow a thicker skin. I'm sure you don't have the exact same situation, but that could give some insight into why there could be misunderstandings about this.

[Excalibur]

Here's a way to consider it.

 

People don't get into an association of any sort with you "to meet your needs or share your standards".

 

They get into association with you because "how you are, what you're doing" it suits their needs and agenda.

 

It's always safe to know that if you'd been "any different' when you two met - he wouldn't have asked you out. The old "you don't have a second chance to make a good first impression" always applies.

 

After 6-9 months, infatuation is going to fade and thier presense isn't going to make you giddy and excited......

 

Most people calm down, resume more of thier activities and previously held priorities....and quite often that is when the relationshiip falls apart.

 

Because one or both parties were with one another because 'your attention to me constantly makes me feel so good about me, I can't get enough of you"...or "how you are acting, being, what I have while I'm with you without having to sacrifice or tolerate anything unpleasant is so great, I can't get enough of you."

 

Dating is about creating a bubble environment where when you're together in tohse moments - there is little else in the world except you two, how you feel about yourselves with one another, what you're doing with one another....that's a fantasy escape realm.

 

A relationship is about looking back out into the bigger picture of life - and finding that both of your individually defined paths are in parallel. So that now as you resume becoming who you wish you to be, you have someone to share the journey with.

[darkpumpkin]

^^ due to your advice and others here that is how I personally went about this. I did not become upset or question when his grand romantic gestures ceased. Or if he called me up and sounded very depressed due to being out of town and tired. I stopped taking it personally. This is the real part of who he is, not the charmer I first met.

 

I guess I can do nothing but be myself and see if that is what he is looking for.

[Excalibur]

Nobody's the 'charmer you first met" - everybody puts their best foot forward to impress, please, and be well received.

 

You have to get past infatuation to get to know the person.

 

If you find that in 6-9 months after meeting they're not anything at all like you recall in the early months...then you know it was all an act. Not an intentionally deceiving, it's just that it felt so good by them to be so adored by you - they were charming, affable and available.

[ghost69]

i think you are at the point where other things start coming out. 7 months you really start to see who someone is and the way you act towards them. honeymoon is over.