EyesOnThePrize Posted April 25, 2008 Share Posted April 25, 2008 wooo... deep stuff man... what is conditional reconciliation? meaning i will reconcile only if you... ? validation is key? can you elborate? Yeah, from my standpoint, it was going to be "I'm only interested in getting back together with you if you enter therapy" (among other things). His theory is that if I am that attractive to her at that point, she is more likely to want to get help for herself. Its more complex than that, and I'm still working it out in my head and it will be a topic of discussion whenever we have our next session. Validation comes from the "All people make sense all the time" and is getting someone else's sense and understanding them without prejudice. For instance, I get my ex-wife's sense in jumping in with a new boyfriend. She's terrified of being alone. It comes back to making the person feel understood. link removed's a long article on it. I am still struggling with validation and I practice with it every day. In many of my posts here I am practicing it (and thanks to those of you who allow me that opportunity). Validation comes from Imago therapy, and I'm just starting to learn about that. We also had some talk about BPD that I found interesting. I recall Al saying that 3/4 of women and about either 1/4 or 1/2 of men could be diagnosed as having BPD. I am increasingly of the belief that my ex has BPD. I am learning about in order to understand more, and if Al's figures are accurate, I think it will be useful to learn coping skills in any case. Given that I was attracted to my ex, the likelihood of me being attracted to other women with similar issues seems high to me and if I'm better equipped to deal with that, I think it increases the chances of a healthier relationship. The journey continues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summerpeach Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 I think I should have not talked to my ex again so maybe he would have realized his faults. We are trying to be friends and talk but he still does not want to take steps to change. I feel like I may find someone else at this rate. It's too much work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 26, 2008 Author Share Posted April 26, 2008 I think I should have not talked to my ex again so maybe he would have realized his faults. We are trying to be friends and talk but he still does not want to take steps to change. I feel like I may find someone else at this rate. It's too much work i dont know if i should say this summer... people dont change overnight.. and even if they do change.. there will always be remenants of what was left behind... i think... you have to decide if you can really accept him that way... sorry hunny... i wish i can give you a hug.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 LOL....oh man! He a hunter and you an animal rights activist. That's like me, I would NEVER date a guy who hunts because I'm also an animal rights activist. I met this guy once.....oh he was PERFECT. Sexy as he*ll, super nice guy. Full package, then he told me he hunts. I was done! Is it just me or does anyone else NOT feel bad when a hunter gets killed in the woods by accident? I think there was once a story about the hunter actually getting injured (or perhaps killed) by the animal it was hunting...how's that for irony! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summerpeach Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 I think there was once a story about the hunter actually getting injured (or perhaps killed) by the animal it was hunting...how's that for irony! I would say Hunter 0 Animal 1 hahah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summerpeach Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 i dont know if i should say this summer... people dont change overnight.. and even if they do change.. there will always be remenants of what was left behind... i think... you have to decide if you can really accept him that way... sorry hunny... i wish i can give you a hug.. Yeah true. Not sure I can accept it. Great guy or not, he has so many issues I'm really not sure I can take Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 That's one of the things I'm still sorting out and still want to discuss further. He's in favor of minimal contact, and my sense of it was in a "letting them know you're out there, letting them know you're changing" way, and I'm not sure on this. I also was discussing not wanting to be Plan B with him, and he saw it differently. His attitude was basically "Of course you want to be Plan B if you want to reconcile. You want to position yourself to be Plan A. However, the trick is showing that without disrupting the current relationship." Those weren't his exact words, more of a paraphrasing, and I'm still very unsure on what exactly he's proposing there. EYES - Before I came here to this website I read a book that I liked very much and it made lots of sense to me AND it did work!!! I managed to get my ex back... till I screwed it up again. I was totally stupid and he thought I did something on purpose and I was just frustrated... it was so lame. Anyway the book is How To Get Your Lover Back by B Harris. It never talked about NC or LC. I liked it. And it seemed to work the first time just not the second... or maybe the second time I was just more panicky? Anyway it may very well go into more along the lines of AL rather than this website. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 26, 2008 Author Share Posted April 26, 2008 Yeah true. Not sure I can accept it. Great guy or not, he has so many issues I'm really not sure I can take take it slow hunny.. why worry about tomorrow, for today have enough worries by itself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 26, 2008 Author Share Posted April 26, 2008 EYES - Before I came here to this website I read a book that I liked very much and it made lots of sense to me AND it did work!!! I managed to get my ex back... till I screwed it up again. I was totally stupid and he thought I did something on purpose and I was just frustrated... it was so lame. Anyway the book is How To Get Your Lover Back by B Harris. It never talked about NC or LC. I liked it. And it seemed to work the first time just not the second... or maybe the second time I was just more panicky? Anyway it may very well go into more along the lines of AL rather than this website. i dont know... i kind of slowly dont believe in getting someone back... maybe if they want to come back they will return. if they dont.. there is no way to make them right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 i dont know... i kind of slowly dont believe in getting someone back... maybe if they want to come back they will return. if they dont.. there is no way to make them right? I don't want to put pressure on her to return. I want it to be that she wants to return because she sees there is something worth having here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 26, 2008 Author Share Posted April 26, 2008 I don't want to put pressure on her to return. I want it to be that she wants to return because she sees there is something worth having here. you have got tremendous strength there, brother... i am running low on believe... i am beginning to doubt mine will ever return.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 you have got tremendous strength there, brother... i am running low on believe... i am beginning to doubt mine will ever return.. I have no idea if mine will want to return. Or when. However, I plan to make myself as an attractive a match as I can. If it doesn't bring her back, it will bring someone, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 27, 2008 Author Share Posted April 27, 2008 make sense.. and it is easier to work on yourself for someone rather than for yourself.. lets face it... we as people dont really want to change.. that is why in a relationship we always tell our partner.. "you make me want to be a better person" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 Here...well, I'm working on it. I had a dominant mom and passive dad and I'm paying some of the prices for it. my ex had a dominant mum and passive dad..what do you mean your paying some of the prices for it? does it affect your relationships with females? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 27, 2008 Author Share Posted April 27, 2008 he meant he did not have a good father figure in his childhood days... yes it does affect relationships with females... as much as females will like male to do certain for them so they will teach their son how to be a man.. they are actually teaching them the wrong thing... being a man is not about pleasing the woman... but being a great man or rather manhood.. is about doing the right thing the right time the right way... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 my ex had a dominant mum and passive dad..what do you mean your paying some of the prices for it? does it affect your relationships with females? I dealt with my ex the same way that my mom deals with my dad, as I was the dominant one in our relationship. I would bury my frustration with her not moving forward with things, with her making excuses for it, and then it would come out as anger. Also, I still struggle with my masculine identity. I still equate masculinity with physical strength too much and consider myself lacking because I have never (until recently) been in good shape. I am passive aggressive more often than I'd like, which I recall reading was very typical of men from households like mine. I think I've really cut down on that in the last year, and its still there and I have to be on constant guard for that. The biggest price I paid was my marriage. Had I been able to react with her differently, I think we could have avoided a lot of issues. And, I was doing the best I could at the time. I've decided to raise the bar on what I consider my best, though. I think its hard work, and to me, I'm worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted April 27, 2008 Share Posted April 27, 2008 I dealt with my ex the same way that my mom deals with my dad, as I was the dominant one in our relationship. I would bury my frustration with her not moving forward with things, with her making excuses for it, and then it would come out as anger. Also, I still struggle with my masculine identity. I still equate masculinity with physical strength. I am passive aggressive more often than I'd like, which I recall reading was very typical of men from households like mine. Oh my goodness, just reading these comments I have just had the most amazing WOW moment. I am taken aback because this is my ex to a T. Knowing his parents and seeing them interact, I know his mum has 'worn the trousers' so to speak and my ex used to do the same with me. He expected me to go along with his wanting to move in together and got frustrated and angry when I wouldnt. I couldnt understand the anger at all, I thought it was because he couldnt control me. He also struggled with what it was to be a 'man'. He is very into the gym and has an idea in his head that the better his physique the more a man he is. He is also passive aggressive (read sulks if he doesnt get his own way), which reminds me of a child to be honest! There were other things too. He seemed to have a love/hate relationship with her, he always wanted her opinions and help but then when we were alone said she'd never supported him or encouraged him in anything he ever really wanted to do. Sexually he had some hang ups too and I suspect they were all part of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 28, 2008 Author Share Posted April 28, 2008 if you are trying to "help him out of his suitation... you cant... trying to fix someone is a big No No in r/s... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KAT MOMMY Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 i think we fight because our primary needs are not met... we are using all sorts of "despicable" ways to get them... its a primary mode of survival... can be controlled i guess... I agree that is the only reason to fight and argue with your loved one because one of you are feeling unappreciated. SOemtimes it can be avoided and other times it's inevitable. I think if two people can't agree on things then they should learn to agree to disgree-it's just that simple and if one is doing all the bending then the OP is the one that suffers the most Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted April 28, 2008 Share Posted April 28, 2008 if you are trying to "help him out of his suitation... you cant... trying to fix someone is a big No No in r/s... no im not trying to fix him, we broke up! and the rest is history.. I'm very aware that only HE can work on himself, just like right now, Im in a new life and working on me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 I agree that is the only reason to fight and argue with your loved one because one of you are feeling unappreciated. SOemtimes it can be avoided and other times it's inevitable. I think if two people can't agree on things then they should learn to agree to disgree-it's just that simple and if one is doing all the bending then the OP is the one that suffers the most i totally agree.. sometimes fights are necessary to get differences sort out and move on to a different level of itimacy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 29, 2008 Author Share Posted April 29, 2008 no im not trying to fix him, we broke up! and the rest is history.. I'm very aware that only HE can work on himself, just like right now, Im in a new life and working on me great to hear that you are working on yourself.. keep posting.. let me know how you are doing as well.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope_Springs_Eternal Posted April 29, 2008 Share Posted April 29, 2008 i totally agree.. sometimes fights are necessary to get differences sort out and move on to a different level of itimacy... so true, some times you have to stand by your beliefs or morals, much to the chagrin of your partner, but if you dont they'll think your a walkover. Once they realise your not just being stroppy but genuinely have a grievance and the reasons why, most guys are pretty reasonable and calm down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 30, 2008 Author Share Posted April 30, 2008 so true, some times you have to stand by your beliefs or morals, much to the chagrin of your partner, but if you dont they'll think your a walkover. Once they realise your not just being stroppy but genuinely have a grievance and the reasons why, most guys are pretty reasonable and calm down. most guys are pretty reasonable and calm down. i like that... yes we are... we all are regardless of sex... people just fight to solve issues.. i feel that breaking up because of fights is not worth it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lizer Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 breaking up because of fights ISNT worth it. you are fighting because there is an issue. not necessarily a major one, just an issue. and you havent learned how to effectively communicate and handle your emotions so that you can find a solution reasonably. plus communications styles can be so totally different so you've got to find the way each person best communicates and work together towards resolution that way. usually one person gives up because they'd rather start over with someone new instead of get down to the nitty gritty and figure out how to resolve things without 'fighting'... arguing is healthy in a relationship. fighting is a result of letting arguing get out of control. probably at a result of immaturity on one or both sides. the interesting thing is that if they leave you because of 'fight's... they'll leave the next person when fights start as well. and lets face it, arguing will always be inevitable. the other person you're dating ISNT you and will never be YOU. so you can guaruntee you'll bump heads at some point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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