Brokenhearted87 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 sometimes it takes courage to face the reality... but maybe he didnt have the courage to face you? I would prefer him to have been honest with me, hurt me, than hurt me more by initially lying to me and telling everyone else about it before me, especially since i KNOW in my heart his sister played a part in it, it's something I've been accepting in my mind for the last few weeks. They are TOO close, if that is possible. Too much influence and involvement in his life. Whether or not SHE got on with me was very important to him. I'm a shy person, I always liked her, talked to her as best I could, but apparently he made a comment once in my absense about how he thought I got on better with his other sis, she went mad and said "fine, i don't like her either, I'll be mean from now on" (how mature of a 28 year old)....sure enough the last time I saw her she made a very snide comment and that will always be my lasting memory of her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 there are 2 sisters? Yup! That and he is a total Mummy's boy...in the bad sense!! Recipe for disaster. I should have heard alarm bells when he said "Just so you know, no one will ever be more important/take the place of **** (sis he lives with and is closest to...28 yr old...other one is married), she'll always come first/be number 1". I was like, eh,ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Oh my god I feel exactly like this. I believe my ex's family and friends had a lot to do with it too. I also think everyone knew about it before me and I think I'm right. He was downstairs for hours before he came upstairs to talk to me about the break up. This is exactly what happened with his ex, I knew he was going to finish with her before she knew it, and so did his mother and it's so wrong. I also think they are TOO CLOSE as a family, they interfere. I also think his dad used to try to cause arguments between us in various situations like making him work when we had plans to do something you know. Well if they did influence him and his friends are slagging me off then so be it. I hope he realises one day, His friends are assholes too. Pathetic. They cant get girlfriends theyre that sad!!! When I first started seeing my ex one of his friends went mental when we were out one night and then my ex later told me it was because he started seeing me and that his friend had said that when he broke up with his ex "he can have him all to himself now" How pathetic. My ex told me that he was sick of them and it felt like he was babysitting when he was with them. Well now he can have them, see them as much as he wants Let him carry on babysitting LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anggrace Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Id say that definatly had a lot to do with my last break up. I just couldn't take it anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Id say that definatly had a lot to do with my last break up. I just couldn't take it anymore. Friends and family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Shoefairy,yeah, I KNOW my ex's family did!!! The weird thing is, apparently I was the only one of his exes they actually liked lol (prob not anymore as have been a bit psycho since split and, as stated, he feels the need to tell them bloody everything). But yeah, it's something that's been bugging me a lot. I don't think people should let their families get in the way to that extent. He said something on the phone last week like "My family have said each time that none of my exes have been the right one for me" * * * .....the audacity?!?! No one knows this about anyone's partner and my family would never cast aspersions or ultimatums like this....fundamentally because they understand my private life is just that...MINE....and they aren't that bothered! I was so mad. I was like "Yeah, because your family REALLY know me like you do" He went "Well yeah they kind of do" Yes, from small talk and superficial conversations. Really annoying me that is. They don't know what went on between us or our bond. I'm bitter about it ....can you tell....lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 MY ex used to tell his family everything too, every little argument we had and it really irritated me. His reasoning was that he should be able to talk about his problems, which is fine, but he never used to talk to me about them, just his mother mainly. And I also think he made out that it was all my fault to her. Don't think she ever got to whole story from him, dont think he told her the part he played in the arguments. When he split with his ex, he had already met me and he told his mother how great he thought i was. His mother told him that he should stay single for a while. Which I suppose is fair enough but it feels like she wanted him all to herself. He has told me that out of the 6 kids she has he is her FAV. Now thats wrong. I think maybe she was jealous that she wasn't getting all of his attention when he was with me. For our first christmas he painted me a picture of a fairy sat on a mushroom, as he always thought I looked like a fairy lol It took him weeks. His mother saw it and instead of saying what a nice thing it was to do, she called him GAY! What a nasty cow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summerpeach Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 yep, that's why my last real relationship ended. We were SO incompatible... he was a conservative hunter, I a liberal animal-rights activist so-to-speak.... we'd get in full-on screaming matches. most were alcohol induced, once I kicked the door on my old car so hard it nearly fell off.... LOL....oh man! He a hunter and you an animal rights activist. That's like me, I would NEVER date a guy who hunts because I'm also an animal rights activist. I met this guy once.....oh he was PERFECT. Sexy as he*ll, super nice guy. Full package, then he told me he hunts. I was done! Is it just me or does anyone else NOT feel bad when a hunter gets killed in the woods by accident? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summerpeach Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 My ex and I broke up cause of too many fights We're both stubborn and just never see eye to eye on anything. I think this happens when two people are over 40 and set in their ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 I think you start to really argue a lot when the relationship gets stale and boring, especially when one party starts to look at the exit, which inevitably is the beginning of the end... errmm.. not for me... we argue because ... i dont know why we argue.. its always like i need to talk to her.. and she goes time out.. and i get really irritated... nothing gets solve and it builts up over time... so once she time out i get really mad... like i am trying to work things out?... oh well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 My ex and I broke up cause of too many fights We're both stubborn and just never see eye to eye on anything. I think this happens when two people are over 40 and set in their ways. Yeah, as an old fart I sometimes have a hard time changing views I've held for ages. And now I'm looking at the price I'm paying for that, and working on being more open to new things. I always thought I was, and maybe I was, and I'm taking it to a different level now. My ex told me that her new bf has more in common than she and I ever did. I'm thinking "Wait...we sustained 9 years and doing things together all the time on having nothing in common? Don't make me laugh." However, her sense probably was that his background had more things in common with hers than mine (entirely possible) and that in the initial stages of their relationship this drew them closer together. Thankfully, this was one argument I didn't let get started. Its been pointed out that it takes two people to have an argument. As long as one person can stick to the "uh-huh", "Okay", "whatever", there is no argument. For me, that's easier said than done sometimes, especially with my ex, because after all this time, we're both great at pushing the other's buttons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 what is wrong with guys nowadays? Its not whats happening to guys its what the MOTHERS are doing to them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 my ex's mom actually told me this.. she says: "what is the point of having your strong opinion voice out? does it help?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 Its not whats happening to guys its what the MOTHERS are doing to them havent you heard that this world is becoming a fatherless nation? when mom took over the daddy's job... oh boy... will all the real men please stand up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I can totally relate. And don't get me wrong I think it's great a guy has so much time for the females in his life....however I think my ex is too reliant on them/manipulated by them ...even unwittingly (esp. the one sister I referred to). Just when I realised the extent to which he confides in and consults them...I don't think it's fair on whoever he is consulting them about (ie me here haha!) He told me his ex ex (they no longer speak....BAD break up...cheating on her part, herself and the sister HATED each other and fought all the time, and then she spewed verbal abuse about every member of his family and their family problems/issues during the break up) said to him "You'll never be able to have a lasting relationship if you continue to live with and listening to your sister about YOUR private life".....hmmmmmm maybe she had a point Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Nope. Not much of a fighter... won't really date someone who is argumentative by nature. Then you would have despised my ex...... All he wanted to do was fight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doyathink Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 will all the real men please stand up? No kidding! I'll take one of those. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 havent you heard that this world is becoming a fatherless nation? when mom took over the daddy's job... oh boy... will all the real men please stand up? Here...well, I'm working on it. I had a dominant mom and passive dad and I'm paying some of the prices for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 My ex used to slag his ex off to me all the time. The things she did were really bad, but towards to end of my relationship I started to wonder what she had to put up with off him!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 oh sorry.. our time difference.. it is already tomorrow for me... I had the call this morning. I though Al was a very nice guy. I got a different perspective on some things. I'm still digesting a lot of it, so I'm not going to do a long post. A few things he hit on were go on dates now, for practice, and be clear with the dates that I am not looking for a LTR, validation is key, conditional reconciliation is not the way to go if other things are being done correctly and he's more of an advocate of LC. However, the hour seemed to fly by, and I didn't get into details on some of it. As I say, I'm still sorting some of it out, and will probably post more on it later. Some of it was personal to me, though, and I won't share the specifics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I had the call this morning. I though Al was a very nice guy. I got a different perspective on some things. I'm still digesting a lot of it, so I'm not going to do a long post. A few things he hit on were go on dates now, for practice, and be clear with the dates that I am not looking for a LTR, validation is key, conditional reconciliation is not the way to go if other things are being done correctly and he's more of an advocate of LC. However, the hour seemed to fly by, and I didn't get into details on some of it. As I say, I'm still sorting some of it out, and will probably post more on it later. Some of it was personal to me, though, and I won't share the specifics. Are there reasons that he is more of an avocate of LC rather than NC? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Are there reasons that he is more of an avocate of LC rather than NC? That's one of the things I'm still sorting out and still want to discuss further. He's in favor of minimal contact, and my sense of it was in a "letting them know you're out there, letting them know you're changing" way, and I'm not sure on this. I also was discussing not wanting to be Plan B with him, and he saw it differently. His attitude was basically "Of course you want to be Plan B if you want to reconcile. You want to position yourself to be Plan A. However, the trick is showing that without disrupting the current relationship." Those weren't his exact words, more of a paraphrasing, and I'm still very unsure on what exactly he's proposing there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 That's one of the things I'm still sorting out and still want to discuss further. He's in favor of minimal contact, and my sense of it was in a "letting them know you're out there, letting them know you're changing" way, and I'm not sure on this. I also was discussing not wanting to be Plan B with him, and he saw it differently. His attitude was basically "Of course you want to be Plan B if you want to reconcile. You want to position yourself to be Plan A. However, the trick is showing that without disrupting the current relationship." Those weren't his exact words, more of a paraphrasing, and I'm still very unsure on what exactly he's proposing there. Hmmmmmmm obviously this "letting them know ur out there and that you're changing" will have to be done in a very subtle way though I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 25, 2008 Author Share Posted April 25, 2008 Then you would have despised my ex...... All he wanted to do was fight. i dont think people want to fight for nothing... there must be a reason... what you see on the surface is true... but most things are internalise... ever seen an iceberg? what you see on the surface is a small piece of ice... whatever under the surface of water is a massive block of frozen rock... isnt that why the tatanic sank? every person do things that make sense to them and to the best of they know how... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wtm78 Posted April 25, 2008 Author Share Posted April 25, 2008 I had the call this morning. I though Al was a very nice guy. I got a different perspective on some things. I'm still digesting a lot of it, so I'm not going to do a long post. A few things he hit on were go on dates now, for practice, and be clear with the dates that I am not looking for a LTR, validation is key, conditional reconciliation is not the way to go if other things are being done correctly and he's more of an advocate of LC. However, the hour seemed to fly by, and I didn't get into details on some of it. As I say, I'm still sorting some of it out, and will probably post more on it later. Some of it was personal to me, though, and I won't share the specifics. wooo... deep stuff man... what is conditional reconciliation? meaning i will reconcile only if you... ? validation is key? can you elborate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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