should i tell her before she marrys her rebound?

[shygirl1212]

OP,

 

you have received a diverse range of opinions - of course only YOU can make the right decision for you, but here is my view on your situation for what it's worth.

 

I feel that we are somewhat in a similar situation. I ended an 8 year relationship with my bf for a whole bunch of reasons BUT one of the main reasons was that he was ready for marriage & children and I am certainly not. We are both 30 years old. I am focussed on my career and he wants to raise a family soon.

 

The marriage/children thing did freak me out and I felt constantly stressed in the last few months/year of being with him.

 

Here's the thing: in the first year of my relationship with my bf, we broke up and didn't talk for 1 1/2 years. We reconnected again because I regretted losing him and needed to see if we could make it work. Fast forward to 6 1/2 years later and here I am - breaking up with him because it didn't work.

 

If you feel that you cannot live with yourself knowing that you did not tell her how you feel then I would say tell her how you feel - but do it in a respectful way - be ready if she does not want to get back together with you. BUT if you have to do it for your peace of mind, so that you don't live your life wondering shoulda, woulda, coulda then contact her and let her know how you feel.

 

BUT here is my question to you: are you ready to give her what she truly wants? are you HONESTLY ready? Or are you freaking out that she is marrying someone else?

 

If you don't think that you can give her what it is she truly wants, and why you broke up with her in the first place, then ask yourself if it is fair to her and to you if you open pandora's box?

 

I know it is difficult. It is scary. It is hard. But like everyone is telling me on this forum, you have to do some soul searching AND be brutally honest with yourself. Sometimes your feelings & reality do not coincide - this is one thing which I am *just* beginning to learn.

[FuzzyKitten]

well... i have taken the female majoritys view on this situation and left her alone apart from the occasional text message about nothing, i still have to stop myself from telling her how i feel everyday. Just if i knew or had some indication of what she thinks of me...

 

I hope i dont regret this forever.

 

 

I think you should tell her otherwise you might regret it forever.

 

What have you really got to lose?

[bear12]

hmm.. wow, this is tough. i understand wanting to look at the situation from her point of view and not from yours... i do think you owes it to her after everything to treat her fairly.

 

but this is where i have to disagree and say that telling her MIGHT be the right thing for her. i mean, when you marry you want to know all your options, right? maybe she's marrying this guy thinking he's the best she can do b/c the person she *really* wants to be with (you) doesn't want her. well, i think she deserves to know how you feel about her in case she is marrying the 2nd best. you should never marry your 2nd best, of course, but after such a short relationship, it sort of feels to me that's how it is. maybe not, and if so, i'd expect her to just tell you that it's over and to butt out!

 

that said, i 100% agree that if you talk to her you have to know how it is that you feel and know that you want to BE with her (although i don't think you have to be ready to marry her this second)- not just that you don't want her with someone else!!! you know? you have to REALLY mean it b/c if you busted up her wedding to date for a few weeks and then decide you're "over it," well you'd pretty much suck!

[browneyedgirl36]

As someone else said, I'm not going to bash you -- you recognize mistakes you made, and you also recognize that it may be too late to fix them.

 

I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that your ex is making a huge mistake, too. But, I'm not sure that it will do any good for you to talk to her. I'm guessing that, even if you do, it won't change anything. She'll probably still marry the guy, and if you tell her how you feel, she might resent you if she thinks you're trying to intrude on her happiness or talk her out of marrying the guy. I suspect she will live to regret marrying someone she barely knows, and that it won't last, but she has to come to those regrets on her own -- without any prompting from you -- and she'll have to live with her choices and their consequences.

 

If it were me, I'd probably NOT say anything, but if you really feel you must, be prepared for whatever her response may be, and keep in mind that it might not be pretty.

 

Let us know what you decide to do.

[cptanarky]

hmm its complitcated because after we split she wanted me back... i was hesitant.. didnt give her a answer and was pretty mean to her (cos of the cheating) then after about a month i asked for her back and she said no things were to messed up between us now (she told me to go overseas for a bit and grow up and she will wait for me) so i guess she has already rejected me once, maybe i should just take this as her answer...

[cptanarky]

well i talked to her a couple of days ago on MSN... just about work and stuff, then i said to her "we should catch up for a drink someday", i was going to tell her how i felt so i could get it off my chest even tho i knew i would most likely not like the answer. She replied that her "other half wouldn't be very happy about that" and its better not too meet up not just because of him but because of what other people would think or something along those lines, but would meet up with me for a drink before i leave over seas.. all i could say was "ok" that when the conversation pretty much ended, i said i had to get back to work, she then said "talk soon..... bye". the next few days we texted a bit wel i was at work .... anyway, i guess i wont get the chance to tell her as i cant do it over msn i will only do it face to face.