I Can't do NC...

[Mavis VDSande]

If you met up then or anytime in the future and he broke it to you that he was dating someone. How would you feel?

 

How would you honestly feel?

 

For me NC is a grown up way of saying "no more heartbreak for me". It doesn't mean we can't be friends further down the line or that it is *it*, it just means that right now "I need my own space to get over you - and if you care about my feelings, and you definitely do NOT see a future in me then be a decent person and let me move on".

 

We all need this, it's not a selfish thing to need some space to mourn a rels - I'm sure if we were made redundant we'd want space from our ex-colleagues etc, we wouldn't want to maintain contact until we found another job or moved on.

 

One of my close friends remained in LC with one of her exe's - when I asked her why she said "I guess I'm being selfish, I want his friendship still and a part of me knows that he's hoping for more, but... I just enjoy his company as friends and I don't want to cut him off, to save my feelings". I know it's kind of harsh but let's cut to the point -> if they do not want you then what are you hanging around for?

 

I think all too soon we distress over "what the ex" is thinking, I know we had great memories and wonderful times together but remember that THEY ALSO HOLD THE SAME MEMORIES, and if after missing you and weighing up the pros and cons they still hesitate, then what more of your heart can you possibly give?

 

Maybe I'm ranting I don't know... I just feel that you have so much to give and after such a long time and whipping back & forth in LC and all, if your ex is still hemming & hawing, shouldn't you deserve better?

 

Shouldn't we all deserve someone who does not have to hesitate, does not blow hot & cold, does not make us feel like we're walking on thin ice and is willing to be 100% commited to us whether we're overly keen/a bit too clingly/issues/etc?!!

 

Sorry... rant over !!!

[Addicus]

Nice post! I agree with what you said. I don't think anyone should break NC until they are really over the person....have detached and let go. Haivng said that, seeing them again will most likley always stir something, it just won't hurt and might bring a smile to your face. But I agree whith what you say. What you shared about your friend is interesting. My ex wanted the friendship. I think it is pretty selfish to want that when you just dumped someone. She also said that she would allow me to guide the interaction. That wasn't something that I was willing to do. Any relationship that is not equal loses it's value and is way too much work. I told her this, told her I didn't to be friendzoned and told her that if she wnated to work our relationship out then get in touch..otherwise basically leave me alone. I have many great friends..not really looking for anymore.

[Maya_A]

NC doesn't always work either. You can take a few months of NC from them and then when you see them again, all the feelings and emotions come back up.

^^^^^

One does NC until... If you see the ex. partner & these intense painful feelings arise again, then more time is needed in NC of course. And one doesn't just twiddle the thumbs during NC, or obsess about the ex. partner - the idea is to engage in your life... Spend time with friends, do activities you enjoy or take up new ones, meet new people, even date after some healing time.. etc.. There is also an emotional process during NC where you are slowly letting go on that level...

 

Many times after NC people just move on completely. And it's not a neg. thing at all - there is no bad feeling. It is just that you have genuinely moved on in your life so are busy living it. You will eventually have a new person in your life and so will they. Or a person might realize that they will always feel a certain way around this person & if it will never be returned then it's better to just not engage with them at all anymore. That is permanent NC. Other times people might see the ex. on a friendly basis, & though care about them as a human being, don't have the same "attached" feelings of love that cause them pain.

 

I am actually best friends with someone I very much loved & dated, and can't see ever not being friends with him. But a time of NC made it possible to get where I truly don't have romantic feelings for him at all, though couldn't love him more as a human being. So I'm one where there was NC then reconnection. I can think of another time where there was NC & I had no desire to reconnect.

 

This is not to say that some can't handle LC & heal & let go at the same time. Only that NC is necessary for many, and works really well for many in helping to let go.

It's not an either/or here.... I think that is an impt. point. Both have a place. It just seems that often, NC is helpful to many people.

[Mavis VDSande]

I agree ^^

 

We also spend too much time thinking "what if we're just friends?", what if etc etc... If you move on and feel that you'd rather be friends or aquaintances and nothing more then you won't worry about what you use to be in the past - because as Maya said, you'll be busy living your life, meeting new people etc etc.

 

Your ex will be living their life too and shaking up their life as well - so don't despair about what they think of you and what they want - look to your initial needs first.