My Married Man

[Excalibur]

Ah.....I get it. It's not necessarily a bad thing......if it's not placating a societal standard for approval...and it's him living up to his standards...that I do get.

 

If he doesn't believe in divorce, and he only did it when he could come to terms with it as the only option/obligation to himself.....okay.

 

that simply means he'll never make the mistake again of marriage.....he doens't believe in divorce. Deosnt mean he doesn't believe in commitment or cohabitation...but he's not likely to marry again. Which isn't a bad thing - it's just a piece of paper.

 

What do you mean "how do you get over his marriage?" That's vague, what specifically do yoou have to get over regarding his marriage?

 

I think maybe what you mean is "how do I get past the fact that I violated my ethics and boundaries with him"......in that he's not running over there wanting to marry you?

 

Ask yourself if that's it...did you date him all this time, knowing he was married, telling yourself yOU weren't a homewrecker because everybody was informed...and then when he's not running to marry you - NOW you have something to get past.

 

That if he'd have wanted to marry you immediately, or move in...then the fact he was married is "the only reason he wasnt' committed to me before butnow he is, so it's okay".

 

this might help.....

 

Dating is about looking int othe eyes of the beloved, loving the image of yourself you see there, enjoying the exciting, new, and fuflling attention and companionship in every way.

 

That's dating.....it excludes the world for the moments you spend together, and it creates a world of "just us, our feelings".

 

A relationship......it's two people who come to the independent realization ""I waant to share my life with someone else, I consider partnership important. You've evaluated more of what you'll have to sacrifice and do to have 'partnership" than you have assess "what being with HIM?HER will do for me". So you've etsablished prior to meeting that "partnership" is omething you value as a concept, and you're prepared to make sacrifices appropriately and you know your own beliefs and values, so you knnow your boundareis of what you can sacrifice without resentment, and what you can't.

 

So you two meet...and you create that little deelightful bubble when together of just us and our feelings".

 

Over time and in less rehearsed for impressing one anotehr involvement...yoou evaluate this person's character, intelligence and integrity - based on their actions, decisions, words. Values justify actions...so everybody is going what they believe is right and their right all the time. You're standing back knowing you're interviewing smeone for potential partnership going "who are they at the core, what I see of them that has little to do with me, or does not affect me is more tellin than what they do to impress, please or gratify me".

 

You spend tha time evaluating this person.....you learn to agree to disagree on some things, and you come to realize that it is a privilege and honor to affiliate iwth someone of this character nad caliber. You want the best for them as THEY determine it to be...and you can now trust them to remain true t the character and integrity and intelligence they've displayed as you've evaluated it in these myriad of situations up to now. YOu're not trusting the with your fate, you're entrusting them to remain true to themselves and not radically alter thier beliefs, standards or values if you make a commitment.

 

You've learned to work together...the bubble has burst......and you are now looking outward into the world, delighted to find that your independently chosen paths and goals that you never gave up while dating....are parallel....and you choose to go to teh sme place, by personal choice, at a similar pace because a relationshp is just "compainoship" and it's fraught iwth conflict and drama and loss if it's not with someone who's alot liek you at the core.

 

He's possibly NOT been a position to evaluate your character......maybe he has, only he knows.

 

I suspect you chose a married man because you fear you lack character judgement...and you thought married I can't commit, nor can he - no matter what we feel.

 

The bondage of marriage is released...and now you're realizing "i never got to know him as a person"...I got to enjoy his companionship, delight in his attention, revel in the image of me I saw in his eyes...but I've never taken the time to get to know him.

 

There's beenn situations in play, and issues to deal iwth that have allows excuses for what is - to be the status quo. You're going "are those really the reasons...or were they the excuse".

 

I'm not sure how to epxlain it....other than this....I took up an activity in the last fialed marriage to impress him, please him, gain his attention and approval, to interact with him as an equal. It was an impossible task in all regards given our disparity level of skill inn that endeavor as he was quite adept and talented as well, and I was totallyinexperienced and uninformed. Whiel I took it up to enter his world, hoping he'd regard me with more consideration or respect.......I found "myself" and all my inconsistencies nad dysfunctional patterns while involved in the activity. Teh activity I was doing was life-threatening if you weren't rational, fact assessing and focused...and I was none of that...and every time I almost lost my life which was quite often, I would have it presented to me how much on life's terms I did not live.

 

I had to come to grips with that...he stopped being my problem, causing me upset - and I became my solution. I used that sport to find out the flaws in my thinking (and thoughts caused feelings), and it gave me the life-skills I lacked and couldn't enter the world without.....life became a challenge as I gained self-awreness and came to terms with my responsiblity and obligation to myself.

 

For two years, tehre were many people that thuoght I was doing the sport ot please him, to involve with him...and that is why I started, no doubt. 10 years later, and so many great life expereinces later...I'm stil doing it - but we split 10 years. ago. There's nobody now that thinks "she's doing it for him, to impress him"......and there's no question in anybody's mind that I'll be doing this as long as I desire to do it - no matter what, I'll be prioritizing this as an element of necessity in my life......

 

When he's involved with what he's been involved with 5 yeras from nowo - you'll know it was for him.....not 'because of her or his situation of the past". Till then, you won't be sure.

[tangi39]

Excalibur- That was an awesome post !!!!!

[lostntx]

hmm...okay none of that pertains to my situation. I feel some things have been assumed thereforeeee I cant relate to the advice. Oh well, thanks for taking the time.

[Excalibur]

I think it relates pretty well to your situation. Seems simple to me having done it.

 

He was married - that meant he had obligations and limitations, he had some parameters he was by law reuqired to work within, and he had other elements personally and socially he was working in that you never knew anyting about.

 

Unless you and him, and her and her boyfriend were going over t his parents house for Thanksgiving - there was plenty you didn't know about his "marriage" and that's how it should be.

 

Let the guy get on his feet financially, figure out it's not that hard to do the chores, have his lifetyle, get some friendships with some guys, develop some inteerests and hobbies.....let him create a lifestyle structure for himself.....and he'll slot you in when he's doing it obviously.

 

Then look over th elife HE creates on his own - it'll show you his priorities and standards...and decide if you want to have that basically as a lifestyle - if you share a life with him.

 

Youd' have had to have an inside track on his marriage, and a relationship with his wife that worked - to know the full story of what his life and situations and options were as they were - while he was married. IT doesn't sound like you did.

 

In my case, I did have a workable relationship with his wife while we dated. We were civil, we were ALL involved with his children as they were teenagers and hiding it was not ethical or possible.

 

So I knew why the man was broke, or why his buiness was the way it was, or why his life is the way it is....I could stand back and know when he gets out of this marriage...he's going to do precisely what he did while married. And he has so far, done exactly that.

 

You don't know that....so just let him slot you in, you enjoy him as he is, when he creates the structure he loves living in - evaluate. Till then, just enjoy.

 

If it helps to give you this example of this relationshiip vs. the other failed marriage - here you go.

 

For the 9 years of dating....he lived 250 miles away. He came every weekend, I had invitations nad involvements with his birth family the entire time of our serious dating, which was after about a year of our beginning to "date". He wouldn't date me, until he and his wife by his institution of it - had split up - and were living on each side of the duplex...raising the kids. He wasn't going to step on his ethics and "cheat' on his wife. So he bought the duplex......she in the meantime had found a lover at work that he didn't know about, and didn't find out about until they were living apart, and "spanky" moved into othe other side of the duplex - another saga of dating a married man.....

 

But, he came continuously every weekend for the last 9 years, we spent Christmas and holidays together, birthdays, surgeries, everything.....and here's what I KNEW from the beginning...this guy likes ot 'Hub" out of somewhere, buthe's so NOT interested in bein gin that location, obligated to that location all the time. He likes a hub - and then he likes to "go and do and enjoy, adventure and experience".

 

If that weren't he case, he's an attractive man and could have set himself up in a relationship with someone much closer to home, more convenient to his budget and his desire for interaction.

 

So what it told me was that he likes "space" in his relationship, he likes an orgaized hub to work out of, but he likes to be on the go......it's not "I" personally am the person he's been searching for all his life - it's that we're both into the sme type of lifestyle and interests and I have few obligations, and lots of options......and he has lots of obligations.......and lots of options, that make us work.

 

I operated in that mindset for the first 8 years.......we're together becuase we like one another, we have the hots for one another, but we 'fit" because we both are NOT looking to have a typical relationship interactive dynamic.

 

He'd have had alot of trouble NOT calling and seeing his girlfriend every day if hse were local - and he wouldn't have been doing it - and it would haev caused a problem. ME, I've got a ton of activities, intersts, goals, and passionate pursuits - and half the time he has to leave a message and I call him back at some point tomorrow or the next day! He found someone "so like himself" - he was totally comfortable being himself.

 

He'd offtend 90% of the women he'd date with his lack of attention to detail to her hairstyle....but he thrills me with his passionate interest in adventure and exploration of life, not from the couch but from the peak of the mountain, becuase I don't wear makeup!

 

I knew if we ever did cohabitate, we'd have a "hub".......he wasn't a man that was going to want to buy a house, create a garden, and be constantly maintaining possessions, that he'd be doing alot of traveling with and without me - as he did while married....

 

In short, don't excuse anything of how your relationship was 'because of his marriage" and you probably won't be surprised at how your relationship develops now.