babysunshine Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 I have posted a couple times. Dated my boyfriend for four years. The last two have been long distance. (Saw each other once or twice month) He moved because it was a truly wonderful career opportunity. I stayed to finish school. I ended up moving to San Francisco (from San Diego) transferred to a school here. Now, I am up in my head in debt, living in one of the most expenisve cities in the world. I decided this past month to take a break from school and know in my heart I need to do it. I don't enjoy what I study (I have changed my major three times). My plan is to move somewhere where I can live cheap and work my booty off to get back on my feet financially. My ex lives in a place that is relatively cheap rent, great weather, and plus I have many friends in the city. The reason we broke up is because after two years the distance was really taking a toll. I became needier and clingier asking about the future when we could be together. His whole deal was as soon as I finished school I could move to be with him. BUT this past year was so stressful on him with my constant nagging and fighting that he decided to end things. If I am being honest with myself I truly think that I could get my financials back in order there. And having him and friends would make the move to another state much easier. Now, as most of you can probably tell, a HUGE factor in me choosing this particular city is because of him. But I also feel like we were best friends first and continue to be. d if we get back together great if not, at least I will have money saved up and more secure. Any thoughts, warnings, advice?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stella Sleepwalks Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 You have to be 100% sure this is the right choice for YOU. There can be no other reason behind a move. Its the same as if you move into someone's place with them, it has to be because YOU'RE ready. Every decision we make has a consequence, some good and some bad. Protect yourself. Protect your heart. Protect your pride. Protect your feelings. I personally couldn't be without my familly and friends at this stage, I know I couldn't be out there on my own. The two of you have been living two separate lives for the past few years because of the distance. He will be settled with a support group around him. He might feel protective over that if you move to his city and want to be one of the gang. He needs people to be on his side in this, just as you need people to be on yours. It is very easy to go from best friends to lovers, but in my experience, it is near impossible to go from lovers to friends. You can't be friends with someone you're in love with, its torture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 15, 2008 Author Share Posted April 15, 2008 Stella- Thanks for the response. I know it would be best for me in the sense that I do need to get the heckout of San Fran. It is a wonderful city but not for me right now in any way. Too much spending, the rent is sucking me dry, drinking, oing out, gasoline... But I dont know where to go. I dont want to go home because that would be a huge step back I feel. So the next choice is to move where my "best firend" is. I would be doing it for me but I realize he would be there as well. So confused.... and in a little spot in my heart I do feel as though maybe if we did live in the same city reconciliation would be more probable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stella Sleepwalks Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Stella- Thanks for the response. I know it would be best for me in the sense that I do need to get the heckout of San Fran. It is a wonderful city but not for me right now in any way. Too much spending, the rent is sucking me dry, drinking, oing out, gasoline... But I dont know where to go. I dont want to go home because that would be a huge step back I feel. So the next choice is to move where my "best firend" is. I would be doing it for me but I realize he would be there as well. So confused.... and in a little spot in my heart I do feel as though maybe if we did live in the same city reconciliation would be more probable. Can't you set yourself a goal? I don't think going home is taking a step back in a bad way. I think you will be taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture. Looking at the problems, and seeing what you can do to heal yourself, and make sensible choices about the future. Why not set yourself a 3 month goal. Go home. Rest. Get better. Go LC if you can't do NC, and focus on YOU, not the relationship. You need to figure out why you were so needy and clingy. Just because you're not in the relationship anymore doesn't mean your behavioural patterns aren't staying the same..... For example, did you think he was being unfaithful because of the distance? Is that why you needed the reassurance? Is that one of the reasons why you want to move closer to him? (If not apologies). In order for a reconcilliation to be possible in the future, you need to work on yourself and this behavioural pattern. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet without him as a lover or as a friend. He is only going to be able to look after himself in this breakup, you can't expect him to look after you too. That is too much to ask of anyone. I know its hard, but you need to do a bit of self healing and esteem building IMO, before aproaching him in any way shape or form. I'm 26 and living at home. I never knew my mum could be so intuitive and wise about what has happened in my relationship and my breakup. I don't consider being at home a step back, it is enabling me to move forward, and I have my best friend helping me through that (in her). xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babysunshine Posted April 15, 2008 Author Share Posted April 15, 2008 My mom really supports me in anything I do, and she also thinks coming home for a while would help me. Like you said, take one step back so you are able to take ten forward. The thing is I have lived far from home for so long it would be really hard for me to live at home again. It's not something I want. I also don't want to live in San Diego. I never ever thought he was unfaithful and never nagged him about stuff like that. He is under a lot of pressure already and I just made it worse with my talks of when can we be together? When can I move there? and the fights were emotionally draining. BUT, when we lived together in San Diego it truly was a healthy, emotionally stable, mutually beneficial relationship. I'm just so stuck I feel. I just turned 24, I am dropping out of school, I am in debt, not in the best shape, and Financially screwed, as well as losing my best friend and lover. So.. Maybe Im thinking if I go to where he is, we can still be in contact and I can also get my life together. I wouldnt be living with him obviously. I just don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stella Sleepwalks Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 One word VACATION. Go home for two weeks. You might feel as though you are buying time, but those two weeks might just change your life. I understand you feel as though you have to make these decisions asap, but you really shouldn't rush into anything. The best decisions you make are the ones that you carefully consider. Secondly, I understand where you are coming from completely when you say that the healthiest point in your relationship was when you were living together, but re-read what you wrote. You said So.. Maybe Im thinking if I go to where he is, we can still be in contact and I can also get my life together. I wouldnt be living with him obviously. This means that you know things aren't going to be the same. Not the same feelings, not the same circumstance, so you can't expect the same outcome. What you consider the best thing for you (at the moment) probably isn't the healthiest route to securing a reconcilliation. You need to prove to him and more importantly, yourself, that you can stand on your own two feet..... At least, cope with life without him as a crutch. He needs to see that you are strong and capable, or he won't even consider a reconcilliation. You don't want to make him feel guilty, or forced in any way shape or form, and I feel that if you "land" in his city you are inevitably doing just that. Reconcilliation should be a natural progression, when both parties are ready (both friendships and sexual relationships), it is not the decision of one person only. Take some time to reflect on what you need to do for yourself and for your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lana0120 Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 I think moving near where he is could have the opposite effect to that which is desired. He could see that as you hoping to get back together and interpret it as a further sign of clinginess/neediness. Personally, I think you should, like Stella is saying, establish yourself independently... then suggest getting back together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 16, 2008 Share Posted April 16, 2008 I think moving near where he is could have the opposite effect to that which is desired. He could see that as you hoping to get back together and interpret it as a further sign of clinginess/neediness. Personally, I think you should, like Stella is saying, establish yourself independently... then suggest getting back together. I agree 100%. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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