Do you ever stop thinking about him/her

[Mustang]

1) Re: getting in contact. DONT until you know for SURE that if you dont get a response its not going to kill you and bring you right back to square one emotionally, because remember the best thing about NC is that you cant say anything daft to put them off or make them run.

 

2) Re: wanting to have control for once. Youve actually GOT control RIGHT NOW. Your wanting contact but controlling it which shows your looking after yourself emotionally.

 

to be honest, your doing great. Youve also cheered me up today knowing that Im not the only one who is thinking MORE of my ex and not LESS. Its calmed me down to know Im not alone, so thank you for that x

 

Thanks.

 

I think the thing I'm battling with is that I kind of feel like I'm giving up. I feel like I'm letting her and a new guy get closer. As the days go by, I miss her more and I reckon that as she gets closer to someone else, she will miss me less. That's if she even misses at all...

 

But I know backing down and contacting her will make me look weak. Especially seeing as I told her how I felt and that I had to cut contact.

 

But what bugs me is that she won't wonder what I'm up to because for as long as I don't contact her she will assume that I am not contacting her because I am not over her. So I'm kind of feeding her ego at the same time.

 

She won't get in contact with me. Ever.

 

I know the way it's supposed to work. We get ourselves back and then we contact the ex and keep it light and fun... but as much as I want to contact her and be like this (not now - maybe in a few months), I am worried that she'll just be cold with me again and I'll go back to square one.

 

I miss her. Even as a friend. But as time goes by, I think it makes any form of contact harder. How can I just pop back into her life after explaining how I felt in my last email? Even if I have no agenda, my ex will assume I do.

[EyesOnThePrize]

In a personal development course I took years ago, I learned something that I always keep in mind. You need to go through breakdown before you get to breakthrough. It may be very, very difficult, sort of like a balloon getting more and more full of air, until it bursts and you can move onwards. Another thing that I learned was "to make a true choice, you have to experience the previous choice completely." So, if you're still thinking about the person, then you haven't experienced the previous relationship completely. Until you do, you will be stuck on that relationship. I don't know that there is a timetable on this, it can be 2 days for some people and 2 decades for others. And I do think that doing other things and learning about yourself and growing as a person do help with the process.

 

As always, this is just my opinion, and that and $3.50 got me some really disgustingly good chocolate covered macadamia nuts yesterday.

[Litgirl01]

So, essentially it has to get worse before it gets better?

[EyesOnThePrize]

So, essentially it has to get worse before it gets better?

 

I don't say it has to...I just believe that it often does. Its sort of the old saying "Its always darkest before the dawn." I think that's part of the "experiencing it completely." I think that we hold back a lot of our grief and other emotions in the rush of confusion at the beginning, and until that's all released (breakdown) its not possible to leave the old choice behind and make new choices (breakthrough). Another analogy that was used in the class that I recall posting before was about the baseball player attempting to steal 2nd base, while still holding onto 1st base. It just doesn't work. Until he's ready to let go of 1st base, he'll never get where he wants to go.

 

I think there's a lot to be said for this, and that's just me. Your mileage may vary.

[Litgirl01]

So if you try to feel someone up (second base) without having kissed them first (first base)...you may get a foot up your arse??

[EyesOnThePrize]

So if you try to feel someone up (second base) without having kissed them first (first base)...you may get a foot up your arse??

 

I promise to go to first base with you first....sheesh...I'm a gentleman!

[Litgirl01]

I promise to go to first base with you first....sheesh...I'm a gentleman!

 

Holy C&*P!! I just dropped my spaghetti and meatballs all over my mom's white couch! I'm celibate eyes...but thank you! LOL

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

1) they may be close now, who knows, but as time goes on the usual starts to happen, rows, falling out, rose tinted specs fall off blah blah blah. dont worry what shes doing, work on you so that when she sees you she thinks WOW!

 

2) dont contact her until such times as IT WONT MATTER TO YOU how it makes you look and/or if she responds. Look after your heart, let it heal before making contact and dont worry how much time is passing. Thats not relevent, what is is that your heart must be ambivalent to her response, or you could go right back to square 1, and you dont want that.

 

3) dont worry about what shes thinking the reasons are why your not contacting you. And dont contemplate on what shes thinking. she might be missing you but giving you the space you asked for, or she might be giving you a wide berth to let the situation calm down, who knows. All you know is she finished it which = 'I want space' and your giving it to her so your not annoying her which is a good thing.

 

4) stop worrying about her being 'cold' with you because your not going to contact her until such times as your not worried about her response remember? and as for agenda's, that wont matter either as time goes by. Just let your heart settle to the point where you feel in control of it and its responses. Try to imagine contacting her and getting a negative response. If that scares you or worries you then theres your answer, DONT. Leave it until such times as your not bothered one way or another, however long that is.

 

hope x

[Firedancer03]

I don't think you ever completely stop thinking about someone you once loved and cared about deeply. I thought about my ex constantly for about a year after we broke up and then it started to taper off. Not long after that I started a relationship with a new man who I've been with for 6 months now. While I don't want anything to do with my ex anymore, I still think about him every now and then. I wonder how he's doing, what he's up to, etc. Sometimes I even still think back to the times we spent together. He was my first love, and I know no matter how much time has passed I'll still think about him occasionally. He meant the world to me and even though I am over him and the relationship, I wish him the best in his life. He was once a huge part of my life after all, you don't easily forget that. Its just that after awhile you won't think of the ex in the "I want you back" way.

[its_dee]

grr. i can relate. its like another member said its just that we aren't over them. but like my daddy once said and this helps me a lot. " why should u care if they don't" i mean if i spend time thinking bout him and i feel he hasn't took one second to think bout me i make sure to redirect my thoughts immediately. i know i will heal and get over and i wish u healing and peace and hope u find someone worthy of ur thoughts!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

firedancer, I can relate too.

 

I dont think you ever forget your first love..

[Mustang]

Thanks. I know you're right. I really do.

 

It's just natural to panic I guess. There's nothing I can say or do to my ex that will make her change her mind and I guess that's where all my fear comes from. Right now, the new guy is probably her be all and end all much like I was. I just feel so worthless knowing that he's getting to do all the things that we used to do together.

 

My ex really did love me more than anything. As I've mentioned before, she used to tell me every single day. When she was travelling she was telling me how miserable she was without me being there with her. She wanted us to go travelling together one day. It just seems strange that she ended all that for someone she had only known for a month at the time of us breaking up. It makes me feel so insecure about myself. I must've really been a bad boyfriend in the past few months for her to throw it all away.

 

But I am trying my hardest to give up. I have done three weeks without having any urges to contact her. I will make the 30 days easy. I don't really think it's long enough for me to contact her again after that.

 

Her auntie suggested I meet up with her (and my ex and her mum) at a gig on June 5th... gonna be tricky if I've been in NC for two months and then suddenly meet up with them isn't it? But if I turn down the meeting then I will just look like I'm not over my ex yet. Ego boost for her fo sho and it'll set me back in the sense that I will look like I haven't moved on. I know I shouldn't think like this, but I want my ex to be intrigued by what I'm up to and ask herself questions about me... because I know that it is sometimes the case with the dumper. Sometimes the good memories float to the top and what not... I'm trying not to cling to that ideology but I do believe that if I am ever to get with my ex again, I have to change her view of me.... which I have no idea how to do anymore.

[EyesOnThePrize]

It's just natural to panic I guess.

 

The only thing I'd say here is "Its natural for you to panic." I don't know you well enough to know your sense on that, and its possible you could get some value by exploring where your tendency to panic in a situation like this arises. I think that if you can figure that part out, you might be able to reduce panic in the future.

[Mustang]

The only thing I'd say here is "Its natural for you to panic." I don't know you well enough to know your sense on that, and its possible you could get some value by exploring where your tendency to panic in a situation like this arises. I think that if you can figure that part out, you might be able to reduce panic in the future.

 

I do tend to let things bother me. I think too much. It's not just to do with my ex. If I am worried about not having enough money to go out one weekend, it will really bug me for example. It goes the other way as well, I can get excited far too easily about something that isn't that big a deal. Is just the way I am.

 

Also, it is going to seem like I am a lot worse when I write on here because this is the place to vent everything. This is the place where I come when my ex is on my mind and so everything I write here isn't going on in my head 100% of the time. I tend to come on here when I get weaker moments.

 

Granted, I've had days where I've been on here ALL day but I am trying to cut down on that too.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

Hi Mustang, hope your getting through ok.

 

Thoughts of my ex are easing as i've been doing loads of things out of the house this week on purpose to put him out of my head.

[pryda]

It just seems strange that she ended all that for someone she had only known for a month at the time of us breaking up. It makes me feel so insecure about myself. I must've really been a bad boyfriend in the past few months for her to throw it all away.

This seems to be the crux of your problem.

You seem to think that everything your ex does (or has done) makes some kind of statement about you and your "performance".

 

Have you ever stopped to think that your ex's decision might have been more about her than it was about you?

 

You can't go through life thinking every bad thing that happens to you happens because of your own failing. Sometimes there are things you just can't control. I don't know your ex but from what you've written on here, it sounds like she's easily swayed by the temptation of the party life, easily swayed by the things her friends say to her and she probably left you because she has issues being content with what she's got and always wants something different and something new. All you can do is be yourself - if she's too messed up to appreciate your value then how is that your fault?

 

This has nothing to do with YOU, it is purely because of HER. Stop beating yourself up.

Is she really so amazing, that her rejection of you must mean you're inferior?