cs90453 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 I feel that forgivness takes time. Everyone is different and it could take more for others. The question I have is what is this person reflecting? For instance, my wife says that she's so sorry for hurting me and for having an affair with this guy a year ago. We have decided to split up and now only a few days later she's contacting him again...well actually I believe that she's been in contact with him all the time when we were trying to mend it. So I ask, can someone be forgiven who has this attitude? I say yes, however it takes time to get to that point. I believe that someday she's going to reflect and maybe then be sorry. If someone dosen't show remorse, how can we forgive? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nic2463 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Well, since you asked, let me ask you this. How does not forgiving her help you? Does it help you sleep better at night to not forgive you? Do you get less stomach acid from not forgiving her? Does she sleep worse at night because you haven't forgiven her? Does she spend her days angry at you because you haven't forgiven her? Unlike a poster a couple of posts up, I don't believe in "Forgive and forget." I believe in "Forgive and remember." I think I can forgive almost anything, and to then pretend that it never happened is setting myself up to be hurt again. Sort of the old "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Well for me its only 3 months so forgiveness hasnt even entered my mind.My anger is more towards the slimeball who acted as a friend and jumped in at the first sign of probs in our relationship.....Time will dumb the pain yep but forgiving slimeball never some things people do are just too low . Too be honest i dont care what she thinks about how i feel.She trampled over my feelings and doest give a toss.Yep if i could forgive then i would be more relaxed.Maybe in time a long time in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nic2463 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Well, since you asked, let me ask you this. How does not forgiving her help you? Does it help you sleep better at night to not forgive you? Do you get less stomach acid from not forgiving her? Does she sleep worse at night because you haven't forgiven her? Does she spend her days angry at you because you haven't forgiven her? Unlike a poster a couple of posts up, I don't believe in "Forgive and forget." I believe in "Forgive and remember." I think I can forgive almost anything, and to then pretend that it never happened is setting myself up to be hurt again. Sort of the old "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." nic - having resentment toward someone only hurts one person...YOU!!! You aren't doing it for the other person..you are doing it for yourself. You don't have to accept or condone their bad behavior...but forgiveness is key to healing. To be honest i understand what your saying but forgiving is something you do when your ready.The coals are still to hot to even contemplate going there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litgirl01 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 To be honest i understand what your saying but forgiving is something you do when your ready.The coals are still to hot to even contemplate going there. I def believe you have to be ready! I'm not ready yet either!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nic2463 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 I def believe you have to be ready! I'm not ready yet either!! Its the least of our worries anyway.Trying to rebuild our lives is much more important,think of ourselves for a change and forget all this forgiveness hogwash . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litgirl01 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 You're right Nick...we'll think about that later! ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greensleeves Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Its the least of our worries anyway.Trying to rebuild our lives is much more important,think of ourselves for a change and forget all this forgiveness hogwash . I disagree...forgiveness is not hogwash. I think maybe you're missing the original point. Forgiveness is NOT something you do for them...you don't ever have to speak to them again if you don't feel like it and you don't even have to tell them that you forgive. Do it for yourself, you don't even have to forgive their actions..you can forgive the fact that for whatever reasons they may have, they are who they are, like it or not. I'm not saying don't feel angry, sad, hurt etc., but at some point you need to let it go. Don't let it eat away at you, otherwise it could have a negative effect on how you live your life and approach future relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 13, 2008 Author Share Posted April 13, 2008 I disagree...forgiveness is not hogwash. I think maybe you're missing the original point. Forgiveness is NOT something you do for them...you don't ever have to speak to them again if you don't feel like it and you don't even have to tell them that you forgive. Do it for yourself, you don't even have to forgive their actions..you can forgive the fact that for whatever reasons they may have, they are who they are, like it or not. I'm not saying don't feel angry, sad, hurt etc., but at some point you need to let it go. Don't let it eat away at you, otherwise it could have a negative effect on how you live your life and approach future relationships. A lot of this makes sense to me. I also believe that forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nic2463 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 I disagree...forgiveness is not hogwash. I think maybe you're missing the original point. Forgiveness is NOT something you do for them...you don't ever have to speak to them again if you don't feel like it and you don't even have to tell them that you forgive. Do it for yourself, you don't even have to forgive their actions..you can forgive the fact that for whatever reasons they may have, they are who they are, like it or not. I'm not saying don't feel angry, sad, hurt etc., but at some point you need to let it go. Don't let it eat away at you, otherwise it could have a negative effect on how you live your life and approach future relationships. what are you saying,letting go,moving on is the same as forgiving? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addicus Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Addicus... Check out this thread... I think it will help to explain it better. Forgiveness is for YOU...it is NOT for the other person. Has NOTHING to do with if they change or not. Allie ] Thanks Allie..I guess my post was not so much about my struggles but just reading on this thread and perhaps on a lot of threads on ENA, especially to do with ex's. I do struggle with forgiveness..but I think my struggle has to do with timing. After my recent breakup I made a huge effort to stay in touch with my feeling, pain etc and realise how natural it is even if it totally blows having to go through it. It made me realise that trying to do ANYTHING while going through that pain is not a good choice, including but not limited to..talking to the ex, career change, moving, changing the hair and forgivng someone. In the past I tried to forgive people before I was ready. I do believe greatly in forgiving and tryto practice it everyday, for some deep hurt you have to grieve the hurt first then be able to forgive with your whole heart. Thank you for posting the info about why forgivness is good...I need to post that on the sun visor in my car (might help with road rage hee hee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallingAllAngels Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 You're welcome. You can see from that thread that forgiveness really has NOTHING to do with the OTHER person, and EVERYTHING to do with setting yourself free. I have that printed on my fridge. I read it everyday. I am still struggling with it. Remember...we're looking for PROGRESS...not PERFECTION ~Allie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addicus Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Yes ALLIE...progress!!!! I know we can forgive without ever talking to the other person again....I struggle a lot with allowing my ex into my life....I really don't have anything to forgive her for..not this ex..the one before..yes, a few things but i hav forgiven her..not sure she will ever forgive me so I need to forgive myself! Anyway, my recent ex did nothing wrong other than to be honest about the relationship. She wanted to be friends after she ended things and I guess my EGO was hurt etc and I sent a letter...not a horrible blaming one but one that was truthful and honest and needed to be said if friendship was a goal...this forum is so against friendship with the ex's...I guess I am too...to a point when I stop being so stubborn! Anyway...I guess I most likely need forgiveness from her at some point if we are ever to be friends..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallingAllAngels Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Well, for one thing, it DOESN'T MATTER what people on here think...if you can make it work with your ex, that's your business. And if you have asked for and not received her forgiveness, then perhaps she is just "not ready" yet? And here's a little more food for thought: how about forgiving yourself for sending that "angry" letter to her? Sounds to me like you're beating yourself up pretty bad about that...am I right? Remember...we are all works in progress... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addicus Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Well, for one thing, it DOESN'T MATTER what people on here think...if you can make it work with your ex, that's your business. And if you have asked for and not received her forgiveness, then perhaps she is just "not ready" yet? And here's a little more food for thought: how about forgiving yourself for sending that "angry" letter to her? Sounds to me like you're beating yourself up pretty bad about that...am I right? Remember...we are all works in progress... Actually, I am not beating myself up too much. I have always struggled with honesty, for fear of losing the other person, but what honesty is about is protecting yourself and makeing boundaries and knowing where you stand. It actually can prevent more pain than it will cause. My honesty came after the fact but if I didn't care about her then I wouldn't of sent the email. As I have really worked on my self growth I realised that when people say or do mean things I can do a couple of things..FIRST..no matter what I decided to do I need to process and then wait..being a very reactive person I need to allow time before I respond. Then after allowing time I usually couldn't care a less about what had happened expecailly if it was from someone I had no real connection. If it is with someone I care deeply about then sometimes you need to say it to make teh friendship better and an opne and honest one. I expect my friends to tell me how it is.!! OF course when the ex broke up with me I didnt use any of these skills...i said OK..fine. Bye. She then tls me a few days later that the break-up did not go anywhere clsoe to the way she wnated it to...she had said "I know it sounded final...." Was she wanting to work things out? maybe but she never told me even when I asked. She had plenty of time to do something about the way it ended if she wanted..but she passed the buck and told me she followed my lead....so does that mean I was the one that broke up???? The point is...went NC for 5 weeks..then tried to talk, I had this ache that I needed to do something about...so I did. I did it without expectation. It was three weeks ago and I have not heard from her since nor do I expect to anytime in the near or very distant future. I think I made it clear that I don't want to be friendzoned....I guess I didn't at that time.....it is just so hard when you cross an intimate line to be 'friends'....or maybe in my head it is and maybe we could be great friends! Again I think it depends how you allow your ego to control things! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greensleeves Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 what are you saying,letting go,moving on is the same as forgiving? It's pretty difficult to truly let go and move on, without baggage, if you can't forgive the other person, otherwise that transgression is forever sitting there, somewhere in the back of your mind, having an impact on how you live your life. Again, this doesn't mean you have to call them up and say "I forgive you". Just let it go...whatever they did to hurt you, remind yourself that they had their own reasons for doing it, whether those reasons are good or bad, it's who they are and they're living their lives the way they choose. Forgive them for being who they are, whether or not you agree with their choices. Everyone has to follow their own path, good or bad...just don't let their "badness" have an effect on your "goodness". I'm rambling a bit so don't know if that makes any sense to anyone other than me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stella74 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 ^ Makes sense to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nic2463 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 No i understand what your saying,just think u have to go through the grief before you can reach the other side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greensleeves Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 No i understand what your saying,just think u have to go through the grief before you can reach the other side. I absolutely agree with you...and the anger. You just can't let the anger go on for too long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nic2463 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 2335916]I absolutely agree with you...and the anger. You just can't let the anger go on for too long. I have a friend whose wife left him 10 years ago and hes still angry about it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greensleeves Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 So do I...it's actually been 8 years for him. Unlucky for me I tried to have a relationship with him and he's so afraid of being hurt again that he can't function within a relationship...he even knows it's because of the anger he carries around about his ex. So when I'm ready, I'll forgive him for being so damn stupid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addicus Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 I have a friend also that is still bitter and angry about what his wife did to him....she had an affair and it was over 15 years ago. He has NEVER let it go..it makes him a very bitter and synical (sp) man. Which is a real shame because he has great qualities that could be even better if he let it go and lived his life now instead of living in the past. I believe he just needs to forgive. Nic...do believe that it is important to got through all the stages of grief and even after that wait....then I think you can truly forgive from the heart. Also from my own personal experience is that I held on to anger way past the point that I should of.....then see the person I am angry with years down the road, talk to them and can't figure out whay the heck I was till angry at them!!! All that time the anger just ate me up inside! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nic2463 Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 Im sure my anger will subside in time and ye i dont want to be still wound up in 10 years......Im sure in time that old saying will raise its head....Forgive and forget... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addicus Posted April 13, 2008 Share Posted April 13, 2008 nic.....if someone hurt you then you need to be angry....it sounds like youa re angry and hurting a lot right now...feel it, go with it and IMO I wouldn't even have forgiveness on my mind. It may be years down the road.....but I really believe that at some point forgiveness will really set you free! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.