is this true?

[sourpeach]

that once you have kids, your life becomes all about the kids, and it puts a strain on the relationship between you and your spouse?

 

i believe this to be true. i've seen and heard so many stories, women who have to devote their lives to taking care of children and at the end of the day are too tired to have sex with and amuse their horny husbands who never help with the kids, who then go out and cheat.

 

when iw as younger i always assumed i wanted kids. at some point i changed my mind. i dont want to go through the 9 month ordeal of carrying one, then birthing it (i would definitely go c-section, no way i will let it mutilate my snatch, then it's father will surely never have sex with me again). i also don't want to dedicate my life to taking care of a kid. i dont want to change diapers, feed it, clean up vomit, listen to a crying baby, deal with a terrible toddler, a moddy teenager. i just really dont want any of it. i also have a condition where it will be difficult for me to become pregnant, ive discussed this with my gyno, and he told me not to worry, "when you want kids we will put you on different pills and bla bla bla" and i told him i dont want kids.. and he.. very unprofessionally i think.. told me.. "well, if you plan on getting married.. the only reason i got married was because i wanted children", so what he basically meant is that the only reason a man would get married is because he wants kids.. and wants to know that he is the father of those kids.

 

also throw in the fact that my current bf, who many of you argue i should leave, or isnt a real bf, etc etc. he wants kids. badly. and the funny thing is.. i would be willing to have kids for him. i still dont desire the actuality of taking care of the kid and having it alter my life in such a profound and permanent way, but just the thought of having his children makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. we have talked about this, and he said that we dont have to have kids if i dont want to. but with him i do. i just dont want it to kill the relationship i have with him, should we get married. is there any way that people can have kids but still have a personal life and relationship with the other parent of their kids that doesnt CONSTANTLY revolve around said children?

[Frame]

Hey Sourpeach,

 

On the one hand you don't want kids, and on the other you would have them for someone else - I don't think that's a good mix. I think stick to your original plan, and don't ever become a mother unless you really want to.

 

I've read studies that show that the stress of caring for babies may have a negative impact on relationships. So really - why would you put yourself through the pain unless you felt very strongly that you wanted the gains?

 

On the plus side, you will never feel love for another person like you will for your children. You'll never be that close to another person. A mother has to do everything for a baby, and hold it close all the time.

 

That doesn't really do it for some people, and lots of people feel pretty apathetic about it.

 

On your gyno - I would expect when you discuss this with most people they will react as he did. This is because a lot of people who say they don't want kids ever, go on to be loving parents. Perhaps they themselves once felt like you, but for them it was a phase, rather than a lifelong choice. And also just because most people want them so badly. So expect surprise and horor and maybe even anger when you bring this up with people who are committed to having kids.

 

But really - if you are happy in your choice you won't need to discuss it with other people or evangelise about it.

[BornToResist]

i dont want to go through the 9 month ordeal of carrying one, then birthing it (i would definitely go c-section, no way i will let it mutilate my snatch, then it's father will surely never have sex with me again). i also don't want to dedicate my life to taking care of a kid. i dont want to change diapers, feed it, clean up vomit, listen to a crying baby, deal with a terrible toddler, a moddy teenager. i just really dont want any of it.

 

If this is how you think of having children, why would you say you'd have one?

 

Yes it is possible to have a child and have a personal life. Your priorities do change and often times instead of going out and doing the things you always did, parents tend to choose to stay home instead to spend time with their child. That's the only difference. It's not like having a child swallows up all your free time, but you freely give it up because there's no place you'd rather be than with the little one.

[southerngirl]

If this is the way you feel do not ever have children.

 

However, I would like to state that having children did change my life. It has given my life meaning, a reason to live.

 

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

[RockabillyLove]

Don't ever have kids just because someone else wants them!

 

Some days the relationship between me and my fiance Josh is a little strained, for example we might be late to attend a dinner with his parents, and Scarlet-Rose will suddenly throw up as I'm trying to get myself ready to leave, and while I'm washing, changing and feeding her, and she's screaming and thrashing around, he'll ask me where his socks are....and I can't help but snap at him. On those days, children don't seem like a good idea at all! But that's just because of the addition of a bit more stress, is all. Having a baby didn't change our opinion of one another.

 

But I would say that overall the process of being pregnant, and having him there while I gave birth was a very important birthing experience for us.

We're closer than we were before Scarlet-Rose was conceived, and although I'm home all day taking care of her, I still have the pleasure of making love with him every night. You speak as if sex is a chore!

 

 

And you don't seem to understand the birth process well....it doesn't mutilate your vagina at all! Except in extreme cases, your vagina goes back to it's former glory. Josh's opinion is that I'm as tight as ever, and visibly it hasn't changed. He doesn't seem to mind that his daughter came out of it at all.

[RayKay]

Yes, definitely don't have children if that is your opinion of them - just because someone else wants them.

 

Find someone whom does not want children either.

 

I know plenty of woman, and men, whom have very full lives with children. Some of my classmates in law school are moms or dads, many of the people I race adventure races or mountain bike or run with are moms and dads, and my mum was a wonderful role model of how you could be a wonderful mum AND still have a full personal life as well. And no, it does not "mutilate you forever" if you deliver vaginally; your body will go through changes whether you have a c-section or vaginal birth, but I know plenty of beautiful & strong woman (with very healthy sex lives) whom have had children; all depends on how you take care of yourself too. I know many women whom if you just looked at them, you would never know they had had children.

 

I also know many, many men whom are wonderful fathers and are not out cheating and not helping with the kids.

 

It all depends on the people involved, their own maturity and readiness and their priorities.

 

But based on your other threads, I think having children with this guy would be a particularly bad idea anyway.

[melrich]

that once you have kids, your life becomes all about the kids, and it puts a strain on the relationship between you and your spouse?

 

Kids can put a big strain on your relationship (though I don't think generally for the reasons you think).

 

They can also strengthen your relationship. Either way they will totally turn your life and your priorities in life on its head.

 

Right now there is no way you should be considering having a child whether your b/f wants one or not.

[sourpeach]

well im not talking about having kids NOW anyway. maybe in.. idk.. 10 years lol.

 

and im sorry but i really don't see how a vagina can get back to it's former glory after pushing out a 6-9 pound object. i understand it's a muscle and all.. but... a baby is really, really BIG compared to a vagina.

[RayKay]

Kegel exercises can do wonders.

[hers]

I have to support hte OP on this one...I am 25 and have not wanted kids for as long as I can remember. The thought of pregnancy, my changing body, the effects afterwards, the health issues, the strain on finances and physically--it all scares me to no end. Yes, I woudl like to have taht unconditional love for another creature and I know I'd be a good mom, but I love my dog unconditionally and I'm sure it's on the same level as loving your own child (please don't argue with me about this...that's not the point of this post. Thanks.)

 

Anyway, what I don't support is having a kid with someone just b/c someone wants kids. I would never do that--it's like losing your identity, giving up something you truly believe and changing it b/c someone else told you to.

 

My doctor knows I don't want children but he won't sterilize me b/c I'm only 25. That's fine; I am young and I cna't predict the future so who knows if I'll change my mind. For now, I'm on stellar birth control and will make sure not to get pregnant in the meantime.

 

So maybe the doctor's tact was a little off, but his thinking is right--you may change your mind. But make sure you are changing your mind FOR YOU and not for a guy. Guys come and go...your baby-maker and being a parent do not.