sourpeach Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 my bf and i argue frequently, but the last 2 arguments we have had he made personal insults about my looks. 1 in each argument, both different insults. he knows i am very sensitive and insecure about the 2 things he insulted, my weight being one (he called me fat) and the other is too personal to say, but also somewhat related to my looks. we talked about the fat thing, and he said he only said it because he was mad, but he doesnt really think i am fat. the other one we have not talked about. i cannot help but feel like those things he said are things he really thinks and feels. and it makes me feel like he is not attracted to me anymore. he says this is not true, that he cannot tell me every second that i am perfect for him, etc. he also said that he only said it because he was angry and hurt, and wanted to hurt me too. what do you think? does he really think i'm some fat ugly thing? or is he just that insensitive and really only wanted to hurt my feelings and knew how to do it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iambrazilian Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 sourpeach...where are you from? lol... wow...deja vu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 When people say stuff like that it is not really about how they feel about you...it is really about wanting to kick you where it counts in order to "win" the fight. It is about power. An analogy would be a boxing match...both sides are throwing punches..one wants to throw the ultimate punch so that the other person falls down and can no longer fight. That is what his comments are designed to do...he knows exactly what your insecurities are and thereforeeee uses them against you in the heat of an argument in order to have you fall down and give up the fight. That is called NOT FIGHTING FAIR. It is hitting below the belt. I think you both need to learn about how to disagree in a relationship so that it doesn't get down to this mudslinging level. One should NEVER personally insult someone when having a disagreement. You should be talking about how you feel or how their behaviour makes you feel, how it hurts you, dissappoints you etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 ^ Well said! Your bf has told you what I believe is the truth. He didn't mean those words - he wanted to hurt you, get you to be quiet and no longer be able to fight back, as he was angry. That is enough to be concerned about. That's the damage; that he would actually say those things, and then explain it to you as though it were ok and he has so little power to change that. You two need a Time Out. Like you'd do with little kids, when fighting gets too out of hand, you break them apart and give them time outs from each other. Leave him alone for a while, and take some time for you to calm down and think of what you are going to do next. I think you need to figure why you guys are fighting so much, and why it's gotten so dirty. Once you figure out why, ask yourself whether you think this can be fixed or not. If both of you aren't willing to make some changes, it will just get worse if you stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EQD Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 i agree with CAD. Its just a cheap shot tactic, and you need to stop it now because if you dont it only breeds more disrespect between the two of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I agree with the others. Don't deal with the symptom - deal with the cause. I notice that he claimed that he said those things because he was hurt and wanted to hurt you back - but you didn't say what it was that you said to him that was hurtful. So, although he should not have resorted to making those remarks it might be a good idea for you to look at your part in the arguments and what you said. But the main issue is to resolve issues without getting into fights in the first place. There are ways of doing that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Sorry about this. Is this the person you haven't met yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sourpeach Posted April 5, 2008 Author Share Posted April 5, 2008 Sorry about this. Is this the person you haven't met yet? online thing, 1 and a half years so far. he is supposed to come here this usmmer to stay with me for a month or 2. the hurtful things i "did" to him were... sending someone a nude pic before i met him, having friends on an online game, talking to said friends (i quit the game so he would no longer get jealous and we could stop fighting about ME on the game.. we still do, even tho now, the issue is HE is on the game too much, and our relationship is coming in 2nd to the game, but he STILL tells me that it is not him, but ME who cant live without the game, that i talk to everyone.. in his eyes talking to males makes me a wh0re). and then finally the thing that hurt him so much to drive him to personal insults was me posting on the game forum trying to fix a problem he had which he created himself. he also made a secret msn and was talking to some * * * * in his city as punishment to me for my talking on a public forum. both him and the girl said they didnt flirt or anything bad. in my gut i believe it, but my head makes me wonder whether or not i should believe. i have a much more detailed thread about all of that in the cyber relationships section, if anyone cares to read it. when he and i fight i always try to get him to talk about what it is that is upsetting him, but he always wants to just yell and scream and not talk about how he feels. and i never make personal insults. i know he is insecure about the size of his you-know-what, and he really has no reason to be from what i've seen, but still, knowing he is insecure about it.. and how much he hurt me with his insults.. i really wanted to call him "little d..k", but i didnt. because if i did, then he would tell me i'm just a wh0re who wants the biggest d..k in the world... something he has said before... we basically fight because he doesn't trust me because of the nudie thing before we met, he found out about it a month after we were together and firmly believes i did that while we were together. no amount of explaining will change his mind. he throws it in my face constantly. tells me to go have sex with random people in the bathroom at school, tells me to send naked pics to everyone on the game.. he talks as if i had sent to 100 people, which is not true. ive sent to 2. him (my bf) and the other guy (who like the dog he is, showed them off to other people, which is how my bf found out about it in the first place), i have been loyal to him the entire time we were together. someone had asked why do i love this guy? i really don't know. all i know is that i do. i would do anything for him to make him happy and i would forgive anything he did. i've never been so selfless for anyone in my life before. i also believe that he does genuinely love me, and despite all the bad in him, he has a lot of good qualities that i have not found in other people. then again i guess i cannot be so sure. i'm almost positive that he does not have it in him to all out cheat on me irl or online (meaning sex or asking for naked pics or cyber sex). and while he has sunck around behind my back 2 times in our relationship to talk to a bunch of other people on msn (we use yahoo) it's not exclusively girls.. and i had drilled all of the girls and there were no inconsistencies and whatnot. so while yes it hurt and in my radical mind just talking alone is cheating.. i had to swallow my pride and allow for the fact that just talking (not flirting) is not cheating. but then again i'll never know i guess. but i've read things on this forum about the gut feeling when something is wrong.. i get the gut feeling now that im not attractive enough for him, or that he doesnt want to be with me anymore because of the fighting. i had the gut feeling when i saw that girl on his in-game friend list that he had a secret msn and was talking to her out-of-game. i was right about that, but even then, i didnt have the feeling that he was actually cheating or trying to find someone else. in the past ive talked to a lot of his real life friends (theya ll play that game too) and they all agree he is in love with me, but also they say that he changed when he met me. he doesnt go out anymore and he is more serious in general, and that they have never ever seen him be so jealous and posessive of a girlfriend before. so i guess i'm to assume its my fault he is like this.. i dont know anymore, i dont know. when we fight sometimes its the yelling screaming kind, those i know we can recover from. give him a few hours to calm down and things are fine. but when we have the talking calmly and plainly about the situation fights.. those are scary. he'll usually say something like "i love you and i will always love you but we cant be together anymore (cant take the fighting)" and i'll cry and say some guilt-trip kind of things, he'll tell me he cant deal with what im saying and that he'll see me later, he goes away for a few hours, i cry and wait the whole time, he comes back, i ask, because im not sure where we stand, ask if its over or not, and he tells me no he cant leave me he loves me too much and it'll never be over. i've actually gotten my dad in on all of this. my dad used to hate him, but in light of events that led me to post on the game forum.. my dad now "sees [my bf] for who he really is, and he is a good person with a kind heart but a short temper". i let my dad read some of these most recent fights, and my dad says that I am in the wrong, that init pick too much about things. i just checked for my bf on yahoo, not there, so i check on the game.. and there he is. typical. i really don't like this. he wont let me play the game so i am forced to sit around 9+ hours a day just waiting for him and feeling sad that he is off having fun with other people, girls and guys. then if i log on the game to look for him, he gets mad and starts his BS about me not being able to live without the game. it drives me insane sometimes and makes me want to just jump off the roof. he puts me in a no-win-situation, and he is so stubborn and he makes up crazy things in his mind and gets mad at me for those things that have no basis in reality. 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JadedStar Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 What is it that escalates these insults? Are you saying something hurtful first and he is retaliating? If not, i can say i'd be very leary of staying with a person who gets angry and says a lot of hurtful things because it shows they have anger management issues and these things almost always get worse the longer you are with someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sourpeach Posted April 5, 2008 Author Share Posted April 5, 2008 What is it that escalates these insults? Are you saying something hurtful first and he is retaliating? If not, i can say i'd be very leary of staying with a person who gets angry and says a lot of hurtful things because it shows they have anger management issues and these things almost always get worse the longer you are with someone. no. it usually starts something like this... he goes on the game, on my character (which i have not played in... god i lost count of how long it has been).. someone private messags my character, says something, my bf gets mad, comes and abuses me about it. one recent fight was because of just this. the person who whispered me apparently said something like "stop sending [your bf] naked pics you horny school girl"... meant as a joke.. and "horny school girl" referring to the nude pics i send my BF. but my bf takes this to mean that i am just horny in general for everyone and so he flips out calling me a wh0re and whatnot. he also NEVER tells me EXACTLY what someone says. so i have to piece things together from what he is screaming at me. its really frustrating because when the shoe is on the other foot, he intimidates me into saying everything, (exactly who said it, exactly what they said).. and i can never get the same from him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 it is not nice that he insults you, but i think if that happened to me - i was on my husband's computer and those kinds of private messages came up - i'd be pretty livid. I am pretty level headed and have over time learned how to control my anger but that message would invoke a very angry reaction out of me. It's like this - he doesn't know what is going on here, he just sees someone calling you a horny girl who sends out dirty pictures. First he would wnoder why on earth would you share that with others and two the message itself would be upsetting. I think you need to have a talk with him about the messages and turn off your private messaging option on that game so no one else can message you like this. I think he probably is immature and he attacked your weight specifically because he was hurt that you are telling people about sending nude pics. I dont think that he handled it well but i can understand better how this transpired. He was hurt and lashing at your weight was a way to get back at you for talking about yourself in the nude. His calling you a w***e is out of line, however, i can't say that if i saw a message like that pop up on my husband's pc that i wouldn't throw out a couple of pretty swift insults. I'd regret it later but human inclination would be what the he** are you doing talking to someone about nude pics you are sending me (i can't curse on here so let me tell you what i would say would be a lot heavier than this). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 You cannot mean that you are going to let someone you never met in person come to your home the first time he meets you and stay with you? I hope you reconsider particularly because of his anger issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 WOW. I didn't realize you never met. I somehow missed that second post of yours... Yeah, if this has been online only and he is acting this way I don't think i have him coiming out to stay with you and you never having even met him! Even under great circumstances with no anger like this I would not advise you meet an online "lover" first by having him come stay with you for two months. YOu need some neutral meet ups first, get time to know each other offline. YOu have no idea how he migth be in person as far as these anger issues. If distance prevents getting to know each other in this manner i'd rethink the entire relationship. Why on earth does he have to play your character online? Doesn't he have his own? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sourpeach Posted April 5, 2008 Author Share Posted April 5, 2008 private messaging cannot be disabled on a whole in the game, and individual blocks of people disappear after each log-off. and yes, he has his own, one i spent a LOT LOT LOT of money to buy for him. he just goes on mine i guess to spy. and yes i do see how he would be upset that i was talking to someone else about what i do with him.. but i'm a girl.. girls need people to talk to.. idk how he can expect me to never speak to anyone about our relationship. he tells some of his friends that we fight a lot. i dont know what else he tells them but i would feel hurt if he never talked to anyone about me. then again i wouldnt want him talking to someone else (a girl specifically) about all the bad things in our relationship. also i really dont think he is violent. we have talked about that before, and he says hes not a monster and that i dont need to be afraid of him. for several months a while back that was the case. i was literally terrified of him, which is stupid considering hes far away, but the emotional and verbal abuse... its just as bad, maybe even worse. i was afraid to say the wrong thing, i was just so afraid of making him mad. then when he figured out that i was afraid of him.. he got mad. he needs therapy but refuses to do it. sometimes if i push too much he tell me "no you are the crazy b*tch who needs therapy, there is nothing wrong with me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I cannot believe you would consider letting this stranger into your home the first time you meet him in person. What - based on his say so that he is not violent? Even if not, he is a stranger and for your safety if you've never met a man in person you have to consider him a stranger for purposes of letting him into your home. I hope you reconsider talking to him much less letting him into your home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Who cares if he thinks you're fat, you should be thinking he's a tool for being abusive and let him know in no uncertain terms that you aren't going to put up with it. The next time he hurls an insult, just stop, look him in the eye and say, 'you will treat me with respect and this discussion is over. i will talk to you again when you apologize and not until then'. Then immediately walk out of the room and refuse to talk to him until he apologizes. Do it every time, until he learns that his insults aren't having the desired effect of cowing you, and are not getting him anywhere. you DO deserve respect, and fighting dirty like this is the surest way to end a relationship sooner rather than later. so if you want to preserve the relationship, you have to prohibit this type of fighting and nip it in the bud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 and he says hes not a monster and that i dont need to be afraid of him. for several months a while back that was the case. i was literally terrified of him, which is stupid considering hes far away, but the emotional and verbal abuse... OMG girl, this is creepy. When a guy you never met even has to convince you "i am not a monster" then something is very off. If you were afraid of him ONLINE what on earth do you think might happen if he is as abusive offline? I am with batya. Please reconsider this guy. I don't tknow why you gave him your passwords to this game. His spying on you like that is also indicative of abusive personalities. They are very controlling. I'd say run for the hills and not even talk to this guy anymore much less bring him to your house. He suonds bent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 She can't look him in the eye. They have never even met. I think she should bolt. Before I knwe the details i could see a partner being very upset over some message about nude photos coming thru and i'd be mad as heck but after this story unfolds it is clear he is an abusive jerk and i hope she doesn't allow him into her home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunney Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 sourpeach, I've read your previous thread and your priv message. And I just keep wondering why you are even with this guy. I really want you to take all the advice that was given on your last thread. You two are too insecure, possessive and co-dependent to be able to have a healthy, mature relationship. The best thing you can do here is break up with him, work on yourself, get away from the computer- meet people in real life instead. This is such unhealthy environment for you. Look, this relationship gives you more stress than happiness and that's NOT how it's supposed to be. I will tell you again that I highly doubt you are in love with eachother - cause this just isn't love. Love isn't possessive. Love isn't controlling. Love isn't abusive... I know from your pm that you have dealt with abuse in past relationship and thereforeeee you put up with this and think you don't deserve any better. YOU DO! No guy has the right to insult you and look down on you. You respect yourself more than that. Tell him either he changes or you're gone. I reallllly think this guy is bad news, but you need to change yourself as well. You say that you lose your mind when he's not around- sorry, that isn't love, that's a very unhealthy addiction. You need to stop depending and relying on him. It's only been a year. Let it go and find someone who will treat you with love and RESPECT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 I am NOT suggesting you have to find someone in real life to date. I am suggesting that you get out there and socialize and do activities, sports, volunteer work, exercise, dance, whatever you like to do - but out there, and get away from the puter. If you meet someone to date, cool, if not that's cool too. Settling for an on line persona who insults you in order to have "someone" makes no sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 My opinion on this is that he's not your boyfriend, he's a stranger you've never met and you two argue frequently. I would not bother with someone I argued frequently with before I've even met them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 Sourpeach, your level of insecurities are going to have to be addressed before you can have a decent relationship. know myself too well, and i know i am too insecure about myself to date a guy who will comment on or look at every girl that crosses his path irl or on tv or in a magazine. i just cant deal with it. and that is all there is where i live So to avoid facing this you instead have a relatioinship with an abusive guy online who probably DOES look at women like this you are just not there to see it. Any women who is too upset to be with a guy becasue there are pretty women on tv and billboards and she is afraid he will glance at them is a woman who really needs to go back to the drawing board and get herself realistic lest she will never find happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 I too think that you should walk away from this loser guy and really start working on your self-esteem issues. This man is trouble and I would suggest that you do not bother to meet him...if he is this abusive online, I would be very concerned about how he would be in person. There are indeed decent men out there...but your number one priority at this point should be improving your self esteem and getting yourself out and involved in various activities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sourpeach Posted April 7, 2008 Author Share Posted April 7, 2008 Sourpeach, your level of insecurities are going to have to be addressed before you can have a decent relationship. So to avoid facing this you instead have a relatioinship with an abusive guy online who probably DOES look at women like this you are just not there to see it. Any women who is too upset to be with a guy becasue there are pretty women on tv and billboards and she is afraid he will glance at them is a woman who really needs to go back to the drawing board and get herself realistic lest she will never find happiness. what you call realistic.. i call pathetic. guess i will never find happiness then. i dont want to be with someone whos gonna look. period. that in itself is what destroys my self esteem. i would rather be alone than be with someone who looks, no matter how great the rest of him is. genuine love means he wont look bcuz he'll only have eyes for me. maybe i should find myself a blind man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedStar Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 i dont want to be with someone whos gonna look. period. that in itself is what destroys my self esteem. i Yes, maybe you need to find a blind man. This is so unrealistic that I can't believe someone could actually believe there is a man out there who will NEVER notice a pretty woman. The problem is that you need self esteem on your own. Someone else should not be able to destroy it. You are looking for a man to make you have high confidence and that does not work. YOu have a long road ahead of you. And just because a man notices a model on tv or a great looking chick walking by does not mean he doesn't only have eyes for you. I think you are going to continue to attract the biggest of internet losers for so long as you have this mindset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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