very long and complicated

[sourpeach]

i've been with my online bf for over 1 year now. we are both very jealous and posessive (i am more trusting and accomidating than he is). we fight almost every day. if we arent fighting we dont talk about much of anything else. he is ALWAYS playing an online game.. 9+ hours a day. he does not allow me to play this game. this is where we met. ive sent him hundreds of pics of me, and i have gotten less than 10 of him in all this time. he thinks i am a * * * * * ,a nd he is very abusive, verbally and emotionally. he is also very controlling.

 

 

i'll give the history of it as short and simple as i can so everyone who reads can understand the deep and serious issues i have in my relationship.

 

i'm a girl. I met someone on an online game. He lives in a different country. We have been together exclusively since november 2006. Before we got together i sent someone else (how he knows and hates in real life) a nudie pic of my behind. in december 2006, my bf found out about this, but forgave me (after i begged and he verbally abused me a lot). ever since then things have not been very good. he is very jealous and posessive. i had to lie abut the gender of my friends on the game (friends i met before i even met my bf), and eventually, to make my bf happy, i stopped talking with them (i told the truth about everything and i have not lied ever since, i stopped talking to everyone to make him feel secure). he would filp out if i talked to ANYONE on the game (even if i wanted to BUY some item from someone else), teamed with someone on the game.. it got to the point where we would fight (him calling me a * * * * * ) if i even logged on. so, i quit. may 2007 officially, but i had stopped playing a few months before that. sometime in june i found out that he had an msn account (he and i talked on yahoo only) and after 2 weeks of fighting he finally gave me the pass to it, he had 20+ girls from the game on his msn, i did some investigating, he had asked all of them for pics. all of them sent pics (face, not nude). all the girls said it was just as friends, he never flirted, etc etc. still, i was devastated. i broke up with him. he begged me back for 3 days and i gave in. we still fought almost every day about past issues. in november 2007, i spent 1600 dollars to buy him some things for the game. digital items. i did this on my birthday.

 

some real life friends of mine (12+ year friendship with the mother and 5 kids, mom and youngest son play the same game and son borrows the items i bought for my bf ALL THE TIME) lost all their stuff they had bought because they messed up an in game trade and the game company would not help them get the stuff back. so... the son borrows my boyfriends items (the friday before easter.. i was supposed to go to their house on easter) and then REFUSES to give them back, knowing that i paid for the items and all. they refused to speak to me on the phone or in game, i got my dad involved, we were preparing paperwork to bring them to civil court to get the items back or the money i paid for the items. in the middle of all this my dad had the brilliant idea of posting about it on the forum. i posted a message about it under my dad's character's name (yes, he plays too, he is 60 years old) and then the son who stole the stuff replied, so i posted under my name (because i was so mad and was gonna say some really mean things and didnt want my dad to be blamed for it...) but i knew my bf would not like me posting, so when i posted i ONLY responded to the person who took the items. did not even acknowledge anyone else. luckily, late on easter, they gave back the items.. saying SPECIFICALLY that MY posts on the forum made them decide to give it back (because they were embarrassed, everyone was on my side and against them, and more importantly they wanted my posts removed, and i told them i would not do so unless the items were returned). so crisis averted, right? wrong.

 

my bf was upset about the forum thing. and what i discovered.. he had some new female character on his friend list. i was suspicious the moment i saw her. so last night i confronted her in game. turns out she is my bf's age (i am 1 year older), and she lives in his country, IN HIS CITY. AND she had him on her MSN!! for a "few weeks". so 1- he made a new secret msn. 2- he was sneaking around talking to a girl. i asked this girl a lot of questions, she was very adamant that they are just friends and only talk about game, university, etc. she told me that my bf has said many times that he loves ME his gf. but.. she has a pic of herself as her msn image. which does not make me happy. she says she has a bf for 2 years. whatever. when i asked my bf about it, i told him "ill ask once and i want the truth, who is this girl, did you see a pic of her, do you have her on msn or yahoo"... he lied. said he didnt see her pic, and didnt have her on msn or yahoo. so i sent him the convo i had with her, and what did he do... he blamed ME. he said he did that because i hurt him with the forum thing. we talked a little, he was very cold and unfeeling, as he often is when we fight, but no yelling this time. it sounded like we were going to end, but he said he will delete it, and he is sorry. we took a nap, talked again. i told him he cannot keep punishing me for the past. he told me i am a * * * * * . i told him that if talking to people makes me a * * * * * , then it makes him a * * * * * too, and a much bigger one.

 

i love him, so much i cannot express in words. my head tells me it needs to end. i feel like he doesnt want me anymore.. he says he loves me but his actions speak differently. i dont know what to do. we break up and make up constantly. i want him to forget the past and stop playing that game. but he wont. i dont know what to do. i need advice. so here i am.

[Bunney]

Oh my God. That's like the most messed up story I've read in a while.. you need to leave him, he is toxic for you.

 

Have you ever met irl? Good for you if you haven't - makes it a bit less complicated. You say you love him but I don't think either of you are in love with eachother. You're just two co-dependent and insecure people and you confuse that with "love".

 

You have to respect yourself more than being with someone who treats you like dirt, lies to you, thinks you're a wh***, is abusive and controlling. You don't want to be with someone like that, you're just afraid to be alone. Not letting your partner have contact with anyone outside the relationship is very immature and unhealthy - the same goes to you.

 

Seriously girl, you need to leave him, don't become more invested into this relationship.

You will feel a huge sense of relief after you have done it. This isn't healthy and it'll never be, it'll just get worse.

[Batya33]

I think this is about shifting your mindset to the reality that this is a person you have feelings for and an attachment to (and an unhealthy one which likely has a lot to do with your reluctance or fear to be out there socializing and meeting people) and who you type and talk to -- but this is not an in person relationship, much less an in person romantic relationship and referring to him as your "exclusive bf" after all this time of typing, talking, but not meeting, is an unhealthy mindset in this situation where this is far more about an unhealthy attachment to an on line persona than about being in a romantic relationship.

 

I say it's time to discipline yourself to take more and more time away from the computer and away from talking to him by phone if you do that too. A bit at a time - an hour less tomorrow, some more a few days later, and so on. And see how you feel being on your own - it will be scary but it's so much more rewarding to get to know people in real life - and it's real for purposes of dating and being involved in a romantic relationship. This typing/talking thing is bad for someone like you who seems to be very attached to interacting on line as opposed to real life.

 

good luck.

[bulletproof]

I'm not sure I got from your post what it is you love about him. You fight all the time. You are no longer allowed to play a game you enjoyed or talk to certain people. You've never even met in person so it's not like you have a physical connection. What good is coming out of this?

 

Don't you want a real-life bf? One that you can trust that trusts you? This is a very unhealthy situation that you're in... if I were you I'd walk away from the computer for a while, or at least just hang out here instead of talking to him and visiting the game forum.

[chocolates]

I dont understand how you can call him your boyfriend when you have never met. Call me old fashioned........lol

 

Also, why do you want to be with some guy who emotionally abuses you, but not only that plays some online game for 9+ hours a day.???

 

You are so so involved in this that youcannot see how twisted this whole situation is.

 

Online relationships are not real, its based on fantasy, and what you yourself decide to show the other person.

 

I would suggest you go and talk to someone like a psychologist, or even seek out one that specialises in online addictions.

 

And by the way the guy sounds like a complete tool

[sourpeach]

I dont understand how you can call him your boyfriend when you have never met. Call me old fashioned........lol

 

Also, why do you want to be with some guy who emotionally abuses you, but not only that plays some online game for 9+ hours a day.???

 

You are so so involved in this that youcannot see how twisted this whole situation is.

 

Online relationships are not real, its based on fantasy, and what you yourself decide to show the other person.

 

I would suggest you go and talk to someone like a psychologist, or even seek out one that specialises in online addictions.

 

And by the way the guy sounds like a complete tool

 

 

physical or not, the feelings are very real. and what do you mean by "tool"?

[Batya33]

Yes, the feelings are real but based on typing and talking only, not on an in person relationship. And given how mean he is to you in those media, I can only imagine what a joy he will be in person. Please find a way to "feel" differently - about yourself that is - because if you did you would never give this guy the privilege of speaking to you much less invite him to your home.

[chocolates]

physical or not, the feelings are very real. and what do you mean by "tool"?

 

 

Tool is an australian slang. Similar to * * * * head. It just means that this guy is not good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Batya is right

[chocolates]

physical or not, the feelings are very real. and what do you mean by "tool"?

 

 

But that is the whole point. The feelings are not based on reality, because you have never met the person for "real". Its based on your perception of what you know. But besides that how can you have feelings for such a repulsive sounding person?

 

And by the way, I think you mentioned you havent seen amny photos of him - you know that he simply may be a lot older than you, married, i mean he could be anyone.

 

Ask yourself this- would you spot him if you walked past him in the street?

[sourpeach]

yea i would spot him if he walked past me on the street

[Excalibur]

You're in love with the fantasy of who you think he is - and that's it.

[metrogirl]

The whole scenario totally blows my mind. You allow yourself to be treated like dirt by a person that you have never met... He has dictated what you can and can't do, who you can and can't talk to and you don't even know him. You don't see anything wrong with this?

 

What I don't understand is how or why you keep groveling, begging for forgivness, begging him to love you. This is sick, so very sick.....

 

I can't even bear to imagine how he would treat you if you were actually together.