Volkslad Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 A while ago I told my ex I didn't want to be just her friend, that she was welcome in my life, but she knew under what circumstances (as a couple), and short of that we should both just move on. I expected her to respect that. She's tried to keep up the friendship by visiting me occasionally..I'm not interested. Today she stopped by my office, and was upset that, "after five years of friendship, I wanted to just give up on it". I told her that it was five years leading up to us being a couple, and she got impatient after 5 months of dating and bailed and started dating someone else without even coming to have a heart to heart with me first to see where my head was at (She assumed I wasn't interested...wrong!). And that if the situation was reversed, she would have turned her back on me and never spoken to me again...never mind spending the 2 months I spent trying to fix things. She said she missed me, and acknowledged that if she had communicated better with me, we would be together right now. I agreed, we both could have communicated better. She was silent and staring for a bit..then she took off. She clearly misses me, and is just starting to realize I will no longer be in her life. But I did not tell her she still had time to fix it. Should I have? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Volksdad - I expect a similar conversation from my ex. She doesn't seem to understand that I don't think I'm being capable of being "just" her friend while I'm still in love with her and especially while she's seeing someone else. And, like your ex, I think mine is realizing that I am serious about not being in her life on those terms. I'm struggling with the same dilemma of what to tell her. I think it is okay to say "That door is still open to you. It won't be open forever, and its open now. However, there are new rules posted by the door. If you're not willing to follow them, then its closed until you are ready." I think you have to switch roles from the pursuer to the pursued. If she really wants you back, I think she will be willing to play by the new rules. If she doesn't want to play by them, then I think she's still only thinking of her needs, not yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litgirl01 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I don't get why people can't understand that after you just broke up and someone is still in love with you... they CAN'T POSSIBLY be your friend! It's common sense to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I don't get why people can't understand that after you just broke up and someone is still in love with you... they CAN'T POSSIBLY be your friend! It's common sense to me! I think they don't see it that way because they have shut off (or suppressed) that emotion, and aren't seeing it from the other person's point of view. Just as I believe cheating/dumping/giving up are very selfish acts, I think not being sensitive to the ex needing time to heal is just as selfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 I think they don't see it that way because they have shut off (or suppressed) that emotion, and aren't seeing it from the other person's point of view. Just as I believe cheating/dumping/giving up are very selfish acts, I think not being sensitive to the ex needing time to heal is just as selfish. I think she really thought she was saving herself from heartache by moving on..that I wasn't serious about her, and that we could go back to being friends. Now it is becoming clear I was serious, and she pooched it. Maybe her realizing I'm slipping out of the picture, and now spending some time with the new dude in a new light IS a good thing. I'm far more awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I don't get why people can't understand that after you just broke up and someone is still in love with you... they CAN'T POSSIBLY be your friend! It's common sense to me! It is amazing isn't it that they feel they have the god given right to force you to be their friend even though they are indignant that you can't force them to be your partner. They think they call all the shots and you have to bow down to them and accept their terms or else you are a jerk...they don't sit and reflect about how incredibly selfish they are behaving...they made choices and don't care to live with the consequences of their choices...they want everything their way or else you are not playing fair! I think you had already made it plain enough in the previous conversations that if she wants a relationship you are all ears. You do not have to keep repeating that because clearly she only hears what she wants to hear anyway...that's not your problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litgirl01 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 It is amazing isn't it that they feel they have the god given right to force you to be their friend even though they are indignant that you can't force them to be your partner. They think they call all the shots and you have to bow down to them and accept their terms or else you are a jerk...they don't sit and reflect about how incredibly selfish they are behaving...they made choices and don't care to live with the consequences of their choices...they want everything their way or else you are not playing fair! My ex was crying.."I don't want to lose you as a friend." Well tough..you lost me! I told him that my friends treat me with respect! I would never expect someone to be friends with me after a break up..if they were upset and still in love! It is SELFISH!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I think she really thought she was saving herself from heartache by moving on..that I wasn't serious about her, and that we could go back to being friends. Now it is becoming clear I was serious, and she pooched it. Maybe her realizing I'm slipping out of the picture, and now spending some time with the new dude in a new light IS a good thing. I'm far more awesome. Good attitude. Keep believing that about yourself, and probably she'll believe it, too. On the 4 steps I'm following, #3 is "Work on yourself, visibly." She dumped the old you, not the new you that you are becoming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 The answer to 'be my friend' is "I already have lots of friends. I wanted you to be my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband but since you don't want that it is in my best interests to move on in my life without you in it". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 The answer to 'be my friend' is "I already have lots of friends. I wanted you to be my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband but since you don't want that it is in my best interests to move on in my life without you in it". Damn..the only end of convo regret I had was that I didn't say, "I wasn't meant to be your friend, I was meant to be your husband." Next time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 The sentiments you are all expressing are what I wish to say to my ex who has broken up with me to deal with grieving for his father, but I want to be there to support him too. I am so confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litgirl01 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Borken...I went through that too! My ex didn't want me to help him...he pushed me away! People are strange when it comes to grief!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Lit....I am learning this. You read my original situation post so you know the score. I cracked tonight and txtd him. argh. I don't know what I am to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bronte Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Yeah, add my ex to those who got angry when told that they can't be our friends...He called me "melodramatic" and "counterproductive" (which is the one that really irks me, because what was our supposed friendship "producing" except heartache for me?) I think in his case he liked me having there as a "friend" because it made him feel less guilty--"Oh, see, she can't be that hurt, we're good friends now and she's totally fine hanging out with me with no additional expectations!" They get mad because they want us to still be around and don't want to feel guilty about the pain they've caused...Easier to blame us for being immature and unfeeling than to take a hard look at the pain they've caused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litgirl01 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Lit....I am learning this. You read my original situation post so you know the score. I cracked tonight and txtd him. argh. I don't know what I am to do. TRY TRY TRY to just give him space!!! Go NC! My ex broke up with me, got back together, then broke up again. So, I dropped of the face of the earth. If anything, it helps me!!! LUCK!!! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Bronte that is my thinking too....sometimes. But then a second later I'm thinking...no, he's just all over the place with the grieving, that's all this is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 My ex dumped me and he wants to be friends but he says he's the one that needs time! How selfish is that?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 TRY TRY TRY to just give him space!!! Go NC! My ex broke up with me, got back together, then broke up again. So, I dropped of the face of the earth. If anything, it helps me!!! LUCK!!! xx I really want to. I managed 24 hours and he didn't text me goodnight as he always does/did (even when we were friends first)....ah. And we are meeting next Friday as it's his bday next week. The main reason I'm so confused is because a lot of ppl (I posted my story on a somewhat less sympathetic site too) are just saying "look, this is just an elaborate it's not you, it's me, and he's letting you down gently and trying to avoid feeling guilty" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 My ex dumped me and he wants to be friends but he says he's the one that needs time! How selfish is that?! Me too shoefairy. "I just need space and time right now. I don't want anyone .i want to be alone etc" but then raves about what a wonderful person i am to him etc etc and how it's important I'm always in his life....but it hurts so much that it has to be on his terms Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Volkslad Posted April 4, 2008 Author Share Posted April 4, 2008 My ex dumped me and he wants to be friends but he says he's the one that needs time! How selfish is that?! It's pretty damn selfish. I think today was the turning point in my ex realizing that it wasn't my fault for us no longer being great friends...it was hers. The silent staring look she had before she left was the look of someone that realizes the decisions one makes can sometimes really make life suck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Yeah, add my ex to those who got angry when told that they can't be our friends...He called me "melodramatic" and "counterproductive" (which is the one that really irks me, because what was our supposed friendship "producing" except heartache for me?) I think in his case he liked me having there as a "friend" because it made him feel less guilty--"Oh, see, she can't be that hurt, we're good friends now and she's totally fine hanging out with me with no additional expectations!" They get mad because they want us to still be around and don't want to feel guilty about the pain they've caused...Easier to blame us for being immature and unfeeling than to take a hard look at the pain they've caused. You hit the nail on the head! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Me too shoefairy. "I just need space and time right now. I don't want anyone .i want to be alone etc" but then raves about what a wonderful person i am to him etc etc and how it's important I'm always in his life....but it hurts so much that it has to be on his terms I get that you think it hurts because its on his terms. I know that makes sense to you. I read that and I wonder how often you did things on his terms during the relationship. I think its okay to rewrite the rules. While I think its okay to respect his request, I also think its okay to let him know that you are not waiting around for him forever (whether or not you believe that) and that if he takes too long being alone, he's really going to be alone, because you won't be there for him anymore. That's just my opinion, and that and $10.00 gets you a Tier 1 prescription at my pharmacy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhearted87 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I get that you think it hurts because its on his terms. I know that makes sense to you. I read that and I wonder how often you did things on his terms during the relationship. I think its okay to rewrite the rules. While I think its okay to respect his request, I also think its okay to let him know that you are not waiting around for him forever (whether or not you believe that) and that if he takes too long being alone, he's really going to be alone, because you won't be there for him anymore. That's just my opinion, and that and $10.00 gets you a Tier 1 prescription at my pharmacy I was always very conscientious within our relationship. Sorry, it's after 2am here so maybe I'm misconstruing your post! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I think maybe he thinks he is doing me a favour by staying friends, I don't know. All I know it that when the time comes to try to be friends, if he isn't acting that interested in the idea then that will be the end of it for good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOnThePrize Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I was always very conscientious within our relationship. Sorry, it's after 2am here so maybe I'm misconstruing your post! It sounds like maybe you let him set the rules of the relationship. Well, maybe its time for you to start setting the rules. Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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