Nonchalance is Your Friend

[bungalo]

Ha would be easier!

 

Possibly could be put in healing. Think you'll find people posting here, myself included, want to reconsilate with their exs - and see nonchalance is an alternative to nc. Crap would properly offer a more conclusive answer! Ha

 

Yeah he might...but we're currently in NC

[Tired Tiger]

Does anyone else find it odd that no one on this thread has gotten their ex back (long-term) by being non-chalant?

 

It's not really odd at all... I'd even say that would be expected.

 

If you're thinking about their actions you're not being Non Challant. That's my take, correct me if I'm wrong

 

I suppose it could be argued that becoming aloof could be a goal for personal self improvement, and that this may have some sort of benefit in attracting an ex back (who, in theory, you wouldn't want back anyway...). That may have even been the OP's initial intent, but instead we have 136 pages of scheming how to pretend and act a certain way in order to manipulate the situation. To each their own, I suppose.

[The_Seeker]

Women settle down with the guy who will always put them first, always take care of them . . . but they remain sexually attracted to the kind of guy who holds himself in slightly higher regard than her, and he's the one she secretly wants to father her children. If you want to keep a relationship strong and healthy, you need to be both of those men.

 

I couldn't agree more. That's my ex that you just described.

 

;] Hence, I'm rebelling against your theory by making sure I got the qualities and that someone finds me sexually attractive at the same time instead of the men I find that have the qualities and the ones I'm sexually attracted to.

 

Hehehe!

[askltk]

but instead we have 136 pages of scheming how to pretend and act a certain way in order to manipulate the situation. To each their own, I suppose.

 

Like you said, each to their own. Sometimes people can benefit from taking a different approach to things. I wont see this as a trick tho.

[CrapAtNC]

Not sure if adopting a happier, healthier outlook on life should be labelled scheming, but each to their own.

 

Nonchalance does, without a doubt, raise one's attractiveness. For sure it's not the be-all and end-all of methods for getting one's ex back, but it is a surefire way of preventing more damage being done, to stop the ex pulling further away and, in fact, to bring them closer.

 

It's not a substitute for fixing the issues that were always there, but it should help get those issues discussed in the least damaging way. I'll certainly raise my hand and say that I too would love to know how to 'close the deal' once they do start showing an interest again.

 

It fails when people become mean and uncaring rather than nonchalant, or when it's being used as a front and the real needy you rears its head as soon as the ex shows interest again.

 

And, given that this is a thread for people who most likely had an unhealthy (and probably unrealistic) attraction to someone who they thought needed their unrequested help and who had no need to show any such love back, you will find that many of us, as we become more nonchalant, less needy, and wanting to enjoy a happy, healthy, balanced relationship, will no longer find our exes as attractive as we had done previously. That is where I am at right now.

 

Nonchalance is about losing fears, no longer seeking approval, forgetting neediness, and giving oneself the kind of respect that we previously threw away on others.

 

If you learn to no longer play the victim, accept that you are responsible for not only your own happiness but also anything that happens to you, and demand a mutually beneficial relationship, you will be able to enjoy the kind of life and relationships that you desire but have been unwittingly preventing.

 

It's not about scheming; it's about showing that you like yourself. And it's not about getting yourself back; it's about becoming a better you. We clearly needed to change, so forget about being the old you--become someone who gets what they want in life. ;-)

[askltk]

 

Nonchalance is about losing fears, no longer seeking approval, forgetting neediness, and giving oneself the kind of respect that we previously threw away on others.

 

Well said.

[RandomNobody]

Hello, new poster in this thread!

 

I am embarking on my quest towards Nonchalance, as it was my excessive caring, smothering, neediness and jealousy that drove her away. She keeps telling my friends about how she misses me and loves me but can't forgive some of the stuff I did.

 

In any case, today she contacted me out of the blue after two weeks of NIC.

 

Her: How are you?

Me: Great.

Her: I'm not doing so well at all, honestly.

Me: You'll survive, trust me!

Her: I don't know. I really, reaaaally hope I will. Don't worry though, it's not because of you.

Me: If it's because of some nuclear threat, just make a cockroach suit. Does wonders!

Her: *laughs* Okay, I'll have that in mind!

 

And that's all there was to that conversation.

 

Nonchalant enough, Crap?

[CrapAtNC]

Absolutely. It shows enough caring for her, a sense of humour (I laughed ), confidence, a sense that all is well . . . I'd say you nailed it. If she wants to tell you what it's about, the key is to listen. Just listen. Women (sorry to generalize, ladies) rarely want answers; they just want their feelings to be heard.

 

So many of us have them wanting us but feeling smothered, hence the break and new distance. You see it over and over in these boards. You're giving her space to breathe, freedom to speak, the right to live by her own choices.

 

And it is because of you, as I'm sure you know. ;-)

[RandomNobody]

I think that there's also the added bonus that I never mentioned the fact that she's already dating someone else.

 

After all, why should I care?

 

Thanks for the feedback, Crap. That's another thing I used to do a lot and never really realized how bothersome it is:

 

If someone isn't specifically asking you for solutions, save them for yourself and keep listening!

 

EDIT: Speaking of which, this new guy she's dating became a complete mess just a week into the relationship. He keeps literally showering her with attention, love messages... You know, all the smothering I very wrongfully did. I have to thank this guy (and feel a little pity for him). When I look at him, I realize just what a pain in the ass I was in the past. It's GREAT motivation to be able to "see yourself" and realize that you sucked!

[kuteknish]

How did I do? My ex and I were at the same bar tonight for happy hour (and hours later)... I was there first, then he showed up. He came over to my friend and I and made small talk (seemed VERY uncomfortable) .. asked about my thanksgiving, asked about how I was, I let him do all the asking.. and then after a few minutes said "well I'll let you get back to your friend" and went back to his group of friends.. .throughout the next 3 hours, continuously looked my way, stared & looked but never returned... I was smiling, laughing, enjoying my evening out... he left without saying goodbye, but I never let him see me sweat... how did I do?

[CrapAtNC]

You did good, especially the polite ending, which must have made him suddenly realise that you may be over him. A little humour always helps. Good that you weren't mean in any way. Once we've accepted the situation (the key to nonchalance), we have no need nor purpose to trying to create drama.

 

He might just try and casually make contact with you again.

[RandomNobody]

It's not a substitute for fixing the issues that were always there, but it should help get those issues discussed in the least damaging way. I'll certainly raise my hand and say that I too would love to know how to 'close the deal' once they do start showing an interest again.

 

Have in mind: Sometimes, caring too much is "The issue that was always there". In these cases, nonchalance is the best solution! The fact that it also provides solid ground to avoid further problems just makes it that much better.

[CrapAtNC]

It's incredibly liberating (for both parties) when we learn that we can choose what we react to and how.

[askltk]

Have in mind: Sometimes, caring too much is "The issue that was always there". In these cases, nonchalance is the best solution! The fact that it also provides solid ground to avoid further problems just makes it that much better.

 

Agreeing with this - its all about getting that balance between still caring but not being available. Im guilty in the past of caring too much, doing to much and generally trying too hard. It was a part of why my ex wanted to break up.

 

Dont get me wrong, this part of me hasnt gone (i've started a new post about my current plight with her birthday) - but im toning it down drastically - through nonchalance.

 

Crap - with ex's who you wanted to get back with, how did you approach the whole birthday situation? As you know my current situation, we are still talking and getting on - but as she isnt my gf, it would be better if i didnt get her anything. Let her see how things were like before i cared?

[CrapAtNC]

Well, the ex I originally came on these boards for had her birthday several months after we broke up and she had just started dating someone else. After months of begging, crying, blah blah blah, I simply gave up, and when her birthday came around, as hard as it was for me not to show that I still cared, I simply ignored it.

 

I learned later that she was on a date with the new guy the night of her birthday. A few days later she decides to check in with me, and it's not even an issue; in fact, for the first time since the really horrible break-up, she showed strong interest in me again, and we ended up as lovers once more. I wished I'd understood the importance of nonchalance at the time, because I immediately pushed her to get back together, which of course scared her away again.

 

For my exes since then, I've always just said happy birthday by text or on Facebook. I had no real desire to win any of them back, so I just began treating them like friends.

[askltk]

I think it will be a standard text msg - I dont want to act cold and ignore it (seeing as we are still talking etc). On a number of occasions people have told me flat out that she is having the best of both worlds at the moment. So by not getting her anything, or putting in minimal effort, it might start to hit home that its not my responsibility anymore. What you think?

 

On a side note - I've been doing alot of nonchalance recently, getting on with my training etc.. and see shes started to be a bit more assertive about what im doing / where i am etc!

[RandomNobody]

I'd say don't get her anything. Honestly wish her a happy birthday and carry on with your life.

 

In my case, I DO want to get back with her, but it's her responsibility to see the changes. If she doesn't see them or doesn't mind them, who cares? I certainly don't

[askltk]

 

In my case, I DO want to get back with her, but it's her responsibility to see the changes. If she doesn't see them or doesn't mind them, who cares? I certainly don't

 

Im the same, I too WANT my ex back. Im gonna go along with the no present deal - like you rightly said she's going to have to notice the changes, and realise repercussions of us not being together. It's not that shes expecting me to do anything - but the fact i havent might make her think. But like you said, who really cares!

[CrapAtNC]

Your exes will be expecting their needy exes to be doing something for their birthday and probably a little too much.

 

By not giving or saying anything, you're showing that you most definitely have given up the smothering. They'll survive. It's not a biggie in the greater scheme of things. And this is the road they chose.

[askltk]

Your exes will be expecting their needy exes to be doing something for their birthday and probably a little too much.

 

By not giving or saying anything, you're showing that you most definitely have given up the smothering. They'll survive. It's not a biggie in the greater scheme of things. And this is the road they chose.

 

I agree this is the road she chose. Although this will tell her that im giving up on the smothering, may it also suggest that i no longer care (which isnt the case).

 

Ha and here i thought i was was getting the hang of this nonchalant approach!

[CrapAtNC]

If you're still in touch, on good terms, etc., then go ahead and text or email a simple happy birthday. But if she's told you to move on, leave her alone, etc., then send nothing.

 

(Basically, do less than she might be expecting. We have to show that we respect their decisions, so no lovey-dovey stuff or anything more than a "Have a great day!")

[askltk]

Yeah things are the same - still in touch, on great terms, meeting up 1 / 2 times a week etc.. Text message it is then (thats the bulk of our communication). Bday isnt until next weekend anyway so wont know. Things may change before then! Ha

[RandomNobody]

Just a quickie I wanted to share with you guys:

 

If you think you may accidentally bump into your ex, or even if you're actually dating, try to get some badass clothes that make you look spectacular (making sure it still meets the degree of formality of the situation).

 

Looking your best will give you quite a boost of confidence, and confidence goes a long way towards making you more nonchalant. Just make sure you aren't too cocky about it!

 

Also, engage in healthy activities, such as working out. By itself, the exercise'll make you feel much better and release adrenaline, keeping you cooler and more calm for the rest of the day. Also, it makes you healthier and look better in the long run, so it's definitely something you should do!

[kuteknish]

You did good, especially the polite ending, which must have made him suddenly realise that you may be over him. A little humour always helps. Good that you weren't mean in any way. Once we've accepted the situation (the key to nonchalance), we have no need nor purpose to trying to create drama.

 

He might just try and casually make contact with you again.

 

Crap.. he came over to us and he was the one that said "well i'll let you get back to your friend".. I just replied. "ok see you"..

I don't think he will contact me.. I think he will show up to the same bar next week thinking I will be there.

[TannedHide]

Just a quickie I wanted to share with you guys:

 

If you think you may accidentally bump into your ex, or even if you're actually dating, try to get some badass clothes that make you look spectacular (making sure it still meets the degree of formality of the situation).

 

Looking your best will give you quite a boost of confidence, and confidence goes a long way towards making you more nonchalant. Just make sure you aren't too cocky about it!

 

Also, engage in healthy activities, such as working out. By itself, the exercise'll make you feel much better and release adrenaline, keeping you cooler and more calm for the rest of the day. Also, it makes you healthier and look better in the long run, so it's definitely something you should do!

 

The exercise thing I totally agree with. I've not been able to get to the gym this week cos of the snow (hate living here), and it's so much harder to stay in a good mood when i'm not able to go get my endorphins fix. I weirdly find myself craving chocolate when I can't get out to the gym too. It's a swine to stay strong.

 

Back on topic:

 

What's the crack with chriistmas cards? Now the ex knows I'm crap at this sort of stuff. She always used to sort it. Now do I send her one at all? We're sort of buddies now so i feel I should (she kinda drummed it into me the last few years to send the pointless things), but I know she'll know I'm only doing to connect with her. Hmmmm I might just hold back see if she sends me one. She will. If she doesn't, hey I've saved some beer money