CrapAtNC Posted November 30, 2010 Author Share Posted November 30, 2010 She wants to keep that connection--that's the only way to look at it. But be careful; if you are too available, you will find yourself friendzoned. Eek! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bungalo Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 I'm reading this thread, and I keep seeing the recurring theme of, "He/She left because I was too needy." I believe that there are some people who truly exhibit neediness and insecurity not only in relationships, but in many other area of their lives. I also believe that "neediness" can be HIGHLY SITUATIONAL. It's so much easier to label and brand ourselves with the needy label, than to take a good hard look at relationship dynamics. What I'm talking about here is an imbalance in power. I would say that about 40% of the time, I was the one with more power, or the "one up," in the rel/ship. The other 60% of the time, I have been the "one down." This power dynamic shifts during the course of the rel/ship. When you first meet, and start dating, both parties are "one down," ie: uncertain, sometimes insecure, putting their best foot forward. As things progress, the "one up, one down" roles start to crystalize. As long as this imbalance is not too lopsided, the couple can usually make it long-term. My point is, I get the strong impression that what's being conveyed with this thread is that this "neediness" is a character defect, when in actuality, until you become very conscious of rel/ship dynamics, taking a step towards your partner is 100% normal, when they are pulling away. It is human nature! That being said, I believe in non-cha (to a degree), but understanding the dance and why we act the way we act is critical too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TannedHide Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 This nonchalance malarky is bloody hard (as well as increasely difficult to spell). I'm normally pretty banterful and jokey with most people, but why is it so exhausting with the ex? I was off work yesterday because of the artic snow that seems to be engulfing my part of the world at the moment. I got bombarded with texts from the ex because she was bored at work. Christ I was about to die of exhaustion by the end of the day. Surely this sh*t should be easy if I'm like this with everyone, but I just want to scream at her "Look, your'e devoting your whole damn day to me here and I have you hook, line and sinker. Why the hell don't you want us to be together anymore? Ok, you knew I wanted marriage and kids and all that stuff, which terrified you, but surely you can see how good I am for you!" Bah....back to work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
askltk Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 Thanks Crap - I am all too aware of the threat of the friend zone - luckily I haven't been available much recently, which i think plays a part in why she's trying to "keep the connection" as you put it. For example, she asked me to go to the movies tonight "if she doesnt work" - her job can call at a moment notice and she needs the £ for Christmas. But i think she's aware that if she doesnt see me tonight - she wont until a minimum of next Monday (i have training, and various work / social commitments). Be interesting to see what happens later..! Bungalo - i agree to an extent. I was never needy in previous relationships, and i think part of my reason for my perceived "neediness" was my ex hadnt ever had someone who loved her (im her first love). Also, her personality is as such that she is very independent and has issues with been idle (she needs to feel like she is achieving something, or being productive etc..or she feels like she's wasting time). Because of this, we developed a relationship that gave her alot of power - power which i am slowly clawing back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bungalo Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 Exactly Tanned. She KNOWS where you stand. Obviously, you guys have been around the block a few times. You know each other pretty well. IMHO no non-cha response will make a hill of beans worth of difference when you're in regular contact with your ex. I do think...if enough time goes by (lots of NC)...THEN you can shift things...just my .02 cents Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
askltk Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 Ha Tanned - similar situation! I get texts like clockwork from the ex, especially when she is bored / at home / work etc.. Im of a similar mind - "why are you giving me all this attention and not be with me?!" Nonchlanace isnt supposed to be easy - but at the same time for me personally its a much better route to reconciliation than going NC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 30, 2010 Author Share Posted November 30, 2010 It's a dance. No doubt about that. I'm all for give AND take, push AND pull. What nonchalance is about, though, is not giving and pushing to such a degree that your partner is no longer enthralled by the dance. Relationships need surprises as much as they need consistency, excitement as much as comfort, unavailability as much as being there for them. If we need too much we tend to give too much, and then our value, and all the excitement, start to diminish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TannedHide Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 Exactly Tanned. She KNOWS where you stand. Obviously, you guys have been around the block a few times. You know each other pretty well. IMHO no non-cha response will make a hill of beans worth of difference when you're in regular contact with your ex. I do think...if enough time goes by (lots of NC)...THEN you can shift things...just my .02 cents Exactly mate. I'm starting to think the same way. She knows what I'm like. She knows I'm an entertainer (tada!!!!), but she also know I'm a soft sh*te with her and will entertain her ego if she needs it. I need to get off this ruddy friend train and let her miss me. Even if it doesn't work out. This stuff is driving me nuts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TannedHide Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 It's a dance. No doubt about that. I'm all for give AND take, push AND pull. What nonchalance is about, though, is not giving and pushing to such a degree that your partner is no longer enthralled by the dance. Relationships need surprises as much as they need consistency, excitement as much as comfort, unavailability as much as being there for them. If we need too much we tend to give too much, and then our value, and all the excitement, start to diminish. She can't dance tho Crap ;-) Weddings were a nightmare I tells ya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 30, 2010 Author Share Posted November 30, 2010 Ha-ha! Then you need to lead better! ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TannedHide Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 Ha-ha! Then you need to lead better! ;-) I'm trying But I feel I'm getting perilously close to the friendzone. We need to get together so I can get my charm back on. Either that or maybe a month of nowt from myself. Let her pull me back a little. Now we're dancing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
askltk Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 If we need too much we tend to give too much, and then our value, and all the excitement, start to diminish. The conclusion of my relationship in one, neat sentence! Ha But this is changing - albeit slowly! Heres to avoiding the dreaded friend zone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TannedHide Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 The conclusion of my relationship in one, neat sentence! Ha But this is changing - albeit slowly! Heres to avoiding the dreaded friend zone! But really, is that a relationship worth keeping? Surely once you love someone it should be enough. Why should I constantly have to make sure I hold that little bit back to keep her interested. After 4 years together we should be ok. She was needy from the start. I'll admit it worried me, but once I fell in love with her, none of that mattered anymore. I wanted her for her, the need for the mysterious traveller vibe disappeared then. Just like the need for her to physically do it for me. I always wanted her sexually, but the way she looked was never a the defining factor after the initial months, it was more about connecting with her or a deeper level. Unfortunately she never really saw that, so when she started putting on weight (I'm talking 5 pounds or something, nothing major), she lost her whole drive because of it. Ah woman are so ruddy confusing. Everyone of them ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
askltk Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 Ha too right they are! My relationship didnt start out that way, similar to yours - she was the needy one in the beginning. After coming out of a 5 year "childhood sweetheart" relationship and 10months single, the over the top attention was welcomed! As relationship drew on, our situation had become quite repetitive, and as our schedules became conflicting, i had started to plan my days / evening around seeing her. I didnt like the person I had turned myself into, someone who put his partner on a pedestal. Its not a healthy way to be. But things have changed the better, and elements of that early relationship is coming back - and that is defiantly worth keeping. Thats why im making the changes - so i can move forward, be it in a new relationship or in reconciliation with my ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 30, 2010 Author Share Posted November 30, 2010 Women settle down with the guy who will always put them first, always take care of them . . . but they remain sexually attracted to the kind of guy who holds himself in slightly higher regard than her, and he's the one she secretly wants to father her children. If you want to keep a relationship strong and healthy, you need to be both of those men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hulk7280 Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 so do you think being nonchalant wont work if you broke up with your ex, and she is now rebounding with another guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TannedHide Posted November 30, 2010 Share Posted November 30, 2010 Women settle down with the guy who will always put them first, always take care of them . . . but they remain sexually attracted to the kind of guy who holds himself in slightly higher regard than her, and he's the one she secretly wants to father her children. If you want to keep a relationship strong and healthy, you need to be both of those men. Well now I'm totally confused with her I earn good money, am progressing well in my career, always put her first, encouraged her to do anything she wanted. I would look after us financially if she wanted to study again. I may have been a tad needy when she did a crap load of hours at work over a few months, but nowt ridiculous considering how full on and needy she was at the beginning. I even agreed to go to councilling with her to help her get past her jealously issues (which I happily paid for). Yet two months after we broke up she hooked up casually with a 19 year old lad. She's 27 for goodness sake. Unless he's a footballer or something I'm missing the point. I think that relationship has gone the way of the dodo now tho (what with the constant texts I get when she's obviously got no one else to talk to). He probably got his candy and shuffled onto the next one. I know I was like that at 19. The truth is she was just terrified of a committed future. I'm only now truly realising that, which has me questioning whether I should bother with all this non chalant wooing of her. The only real good I can see of this is it proves to me how I still have my confidence and charm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 30, 2010 Author Share Posted November 30, 2010 Use it for you. Then you should have more choices. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
askltk Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Women settle down with the guy who will always put them first, always take care of them . . . but they remain sexually attracted to the kind of guy who holds himself in slightly higher regard than her, and he's the one she secretly wants to father her children. If you want to keep a relationship strong and healthy, you need to be both of those men. This is the balancing act im trying to manage at the moment (based on the advice of this thread). Is nonchalance the best way to be "both" men. Im clearly guilty of leaning too far towards the "putting them first", but how do you put them first yet still put yourself in higher regard? Mini update - she changed her mind about cinema, and due to uni work suggested a night in at hers, with food / DVD - even suggested the whole "chill out in pjs line". Anyway - a pretty typical night, we made dinner, watched TV, chatted a bit (not about "us") and I tried to help her with uni work (she's writing her dissertation, which i wrote last year). No real "physical" interaction - although she chose to sit close to me, rather than away - but i didnt read anything into this. Same old - I go to leave, kiss on the cheek, go home and get a msg saying "thanks for coming over etc..". Today's an odd one - she hasn't text like she normally does. Im not really bothered, but at the same time its not like her. As im going with the whole "no initiated contact" approach im going to leave it and wait. Im assuming thats the best nonchalant approach!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SethSLC Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 If I understand Non Challance correctly I think true Non-Cha would mean that it shouldn't matter What, Where, When, How, Why your Ex does or says anything. That you should be in a position of mental strength and fortitude such that you don't even really need to come to the boards for advice or questioning their latest actions. Don't get me wrong, it's much easier to say than to pull off especially soon after a breakup when your emotions rule your actions, but true Non-Cha means nothing they do matters and everything is just like water off a ducks back. Specifically: "Today's an odd one - she hasn't text like she normally does. I'm not really bothered, but at the same time its not like her." That line right there belies Non-Cha. It does bother you or you wouldn't even have thought about it. The fact that you see it as being out of the "Norm" for her shouldn't even enter your mind. There shouldn't be a "Norm" or "Abnormal" when it comes to your Ex. There should simply be you. What they do should never affect you one way or the other, and you shouldn't even have to think about what they do because it doesn't matter. If you're thinking about their actions you're not being Non Challant. That's my take, correct me if I'm wrong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
askltk Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 No, your quite right - lapse in nonchalance today. I'm genuinely doing this for me - I could relate to alot of what crap set out in his opening post and think that I could benefit From the outlook, not only in relationships but life generally. As you said, it's easier said than done! Ha As a side note - she texted later in the afternoon and was her typically happy self. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bungalo Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Does anyone else find it odd that no one on this thread has gotten their ex back (long-term) by being non-chalant? If I've missed an example let me know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
askltk Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 From what I've read - nonchalance isn't about getting your Ex back - it's about bettering yourself. I think in alot of examples the opportunity for reconciliation does happen, but the dumpees new outlook actually makes them look at their past relationship in a new light. Again that's only how I see it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bungalo Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 From what I've read - nonchalance isn't about getting your Ex back - it's about bettering yourself. I think in alot of examples the opportunity for reconciliation does happen, but the dumpees new outlook actually makes them look at their past relationship in a new light. Again that's only how I see it If it's not about getting your EX back..then this thread should be in the Healing Forum not the Getting Back Together Forum..unless we're talking about Getting Back Together with Yourself...hey, not a bad idea...I think I'll take myself out on a date! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
askltk Posted December 1, 2010 Share Posted December 1, 2010 Ha would be easier! Possibly could be put in healing. Think you'll find people posting here, myself included, want to reconsilate with their exs - and see nonchalance is an alternative to nc. Crap would properly offer a more conclusive answer! Ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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