bungalo Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Just curious Leroy, are you a guy? Not that it matters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeRoy6071 Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Hey Crap, I'm still in awe that I can call someone that without offending them. Haha. Anyways, thanks for your feedback. I agree nonchalance is a valuable way (tool) for removing fuel from the fire, steam from the engine, wind from the sails, cliche word 1 from cliche word 2, etc. to focus on solutions. After all, it's about what we want out of situation, no? I'll sift through the thread further (there are so many posts) to locate being nonchalant in an LC situation. Is it ok if I PM you with some specific details (beyond scope of this thread)? I've got virtual cream puffs here... Thanks, LR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeRoy6071 Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Bung, When last I checked this morning, yes. Maybe I better double check again to be sure... LR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 I'll sift through the thread further (there are so many posts) to locate being nonchalant in an LC situation. Is it ok if I PM you with some specific details (beyond scope of this thread)? I've got virtual cream puffs here... LR, the whole thread is about LC, or more specifically, how to behave if still in contact with the ex, as some of us are (see my username). It's a way of behaving that, I believe, brings about similar or better results than NC in certain situations. Feel free to PM me. Happy to help. Crap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AceGirl Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 I haven't had time to look at everything in this thread, so my question may have been asked before. Basically Me and my ex were over 1 month ago, he broke it with me and I was very upset (I neglected him in the relationship). After he broke up with me he moved 300miles away I spent 2 weeks txting, crying, begging, pxting calling for him to come back, in the end he was sending me very nasty txts and telling me to go away and that we would never be together again, he said give me two weeks I need space. So I did, I gave him 2 weeks in which exactly 2 weeks after he contacted me, he asked me if he could call I said I didn't think it was a good idea, but 3 hours later he called, again the same type of conversation happened, only much more polite but the main ideas were still brought up that I still want him (I told him this) and he is confused and dosnt think he can ever be with me, but he does say he loves me, thinks i'm hot, loves my personality, he still tells me all these things, he also says I can call or txt or email whenever I want. He said he moved away because when we are in the same city he can't resist me. Anyway I have basically agreed to be friends but I am still going to do NIC. What I want to know is can I act nochalant to him if he makes contact again, and how on earth do I do it, I find it so hard to cover any emotions. If I display to him that I'm not really interested it will probably just make him happy that I have gotten over him and he can move on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 No, it won't. It will wake him up. The best advice I can give about becoming nonchalant is this: act it, as best you can, and you will become it; know there will be slips and don't let them affect you; prepare responses in advance to the kind of things you don't want to react to; rehearse a way t end the convo as soon as you feel you may be about to react ("Hey, I have to go now. Thanks for calling." is usually enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allyo Posted October 29, 2010 Share Posted October 29, 2010 I just have to say that I really love this thread! This is really good advice, CrapatNC, and summarizes a lot of what I have learned about relationships over the years. Sometimes I think the most successful relationships aren't the ones that don't have problems, but they are the ones that don't let the little, insignificant problems get in the way. I think this is the essence of nonchalance, knowing when to pick your fights and knowing when it just isn't worth it. Reacting emotionally rarely brings out a positive response in the other person. But thank you, CrapatNC, for your wonderfully worded advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 Crap, this thread is so great, and you've helped me out before with answering one of my questions. I've done a pretty good job this month of letting things be and being nonchalant as the lines of communication between my ex and me have reopened after 5 months of NC. Our meeting went very well - we both expressed that we needed the time apart, and he even commented that he could tell I was different (in a good way). It ended well, and I felt there was still a connection. But I didn't want to look into it, and I choose not to so that I don't get into overthinking mode. However, a friend told me that he hooked up with a girl at a party last weekend that I was also supposed to be at (without his knowledge though). It hurts because he never came accross as someone who'd do that. I know, we are not together any more but I'm trying to not to let my mind/emotions take over. My question is...should I just continue to be nonchalant even still deciding to meet up with him when we do or should I just close my doors again? I think it's best I continue with being nonchalant, but I don't know if that's the wisest thing because it's so damn hard trying to be nonchalant when you feel your heart drop inside when you hear of such news. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted October 31, 2010 Author Share Posted October 31, 2010 Sometimes I think the most successful relationships aren't the ones that don't have problems, but they are the ones that don't let the little, insignificant problems get in the way. I think this is the essence of nonchalance, knowing when to pick your fights and knowing when it just isn't worth it. Reacting emotionally rarely brings out a positive response in the other person. Absolutely! Very well said. And welcome to nonchalance. My question is...should I just continue to be nonchalant even still deciding to meet up with him when we do or should I just close my doors again? I think it's best I continue with being nonchalant, but I don't know if that's the wisest thing because it's so damn hard trying to be nonchalant when you feel your heart drop inside when you hear of such news. Nonchalance is for contact, usually LC, or, better, NIC. The key to overcoming your last point is to envision all the worst things you could possible hear and how you will nonchalantly react. This way, you can respond almost automatically, and, if you envision the events well enough, the blow will be softened should they ever become reality. Hooking up with someone after five months of separation is very understandable. As hard as it is, you have to realise that it has nothing to do with you, is not intended to hurt you, and may just be his way of dealing with the break-up and the heartbreak and loneliness that can come with it. In the long run, it will mean nothing. That he's meeting others to compare you with is all the more reason to be your very most nonchalant, upbeat, and confident. This is how we prove ourselves to be a cut above the rest. Have a nonchalant Halloween! Crap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 Great point! That made me feel much better...I think when I first heard it, my very initial respond was with "oh well, what can you do" but my overthinking got the best of me and my emotions. It's very true though as you said...hooking up with someone after (actually 8 months of separation, 5 months of NC) is natural. I've done it, so I am just being a hypocrite. However, do you think I should wish him a happy birthday tomorrow or just ask about it the next time I see him? Thanks, Crap. Happy Halloween! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 1, 2010 Author Share Posted November 1, 2010 Seeing as you have just reopened communication and are, actually, being very considerate to each other, it would be appropriate to send a short birthday message. Just something like "Happy birthday, ex! Hope you have a wonderful day." Whenever I used to think about my ex hooking up with someone while we were apart, and wondering how that would affect me/us later, should we ever reconcile, I just had to remember that we should both be treating it as a totally new relationship anyway; anyone we start a new relationship with is more than likely to have had previous lovers or dates, and we accept that. So accept his hooking up with someone else. He's not yours. He owes you nothing. No one has done anything wrong. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abigheart Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 Seeing as you have just reopened communication and are, actually, being very considerate to each other, it would be appropriate to send a short birthday message. Just something like "Happy birthday, ex! Hope you have a wonderful day." Whenever I used to think about my ex hooking up with someone while we were apart, and wondering how that would affect me/us later, should we ever reconcile, I just had to remember that we should both be treating it as a totally new relationship anyway; anyone we start a new relationship with is more than likely to have had previous lovers or dates, and we accept that. So accept his hooking up with someone else. He's not yours. He owes you nothing. No one has done anything wrong. ;-) Haha now you've got me rethinking things! Well, good point though. I think not sending him a happy birthday msg especially when I had intended to do so before finding out he had hooked up with someone, would only go against being nonchalant. I will e-mail him something quick and friendly as you suggested. I'm living my life, he's living his. It's all good P.S. So you think it is OK to go on a few dates right? I feel like I'm committing some kind of wrong...but like you said, hooking up/meeting new people right now when we're broken up has no bearing on anything else in the future and what could happen. I just need some reassurance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakeItCount Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 I've read this thread twice over. The second time, it took about 8 hours. I gotta say, out of all the threads i've read here, this one always cheers me up the most. I think I almost peed my pants when someone said "Crap Oracle". Maybe it's because it's 6am. Anyhoo, I wanted to chime in before bed, I will actually make a better contribution tomorrow (erm, later today?). Crap, seriously man, you're an inspiration to life improvement. Pining over an ex or not, it's definitely the best approach to life. Let the little things slide, and laugh at the big ones. This attitude combined with some of the non-chalant responses kept me reading for 8 hours straight and cracking up regularly. Just what I needed tonight. Not that you care that I care. Either way. Jerk. Cya'll tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakeItCount Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 P.S. So you think it is OK to go on a few dates right? I feel like I'm committing some kind of wrong...but like you said, hooking up/meeting new people right now when we're broken up has no bearing on anything else in the future and what could happen. I just need some reassurance Couldn't resist commenting on this. yes, go on dates. In fact, I think you should have already. I'm going on 3 months since I got dumped and I am just now looking around to date. I see it going one of two ways: I realize I was pining over a girl who really wasn't THAT special. Or, I reinforce my confidence through having some fun on dates, realize I want my ex back, but still keep that confidence I gained. Win-win situation. And don't feel bad whatsoever, remember that you are now single and anything and everything you do is about YOU and no one else. Especially not your ex. So get out there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 2, 2010 Author Share Posted November 2, 2010 I'm living my life, he's living his. It's all good P.S. So you think it is OK to go on a few dates right? I feel like I'm committing some kind of wrong...but like you said, hooking up/meeting new people right now when we're broken up has no bearing on anything else in the future and what could happen. I just need some reassurance Yes, it is all good. You got it so right. And, yes, date others. It's good for you, great for your ex (we all need to see that others find our SO's attractive), and great for your future, whomever it may be with. Have fun, be careful, be honest with everyone, and don't get hurt or hurt others; you want this to be a non-needy, upbeat, fun, relaxed--nonchalant!--experience. Dating is the best thing you can do, in my opinion. MakeItCount, welcome to nonchalance! Thanks for the feedback and the great response to abigheart's post, which I completely agree with. Arse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakeItCount Posted November 2, 2010 Share Posted November 2, 2010 Thanks for the welcome I think I have a couple of questions. I won't go into big details on the backstory. Perhaps in a PM when I've had some more time to think. So it's never too late to start acting this way? I suppose it's more about surprising your ex when you act this way all of a sudden? I've had a couple times hanging out with her where I've gotten belligerently drunk and gotten very needy and emotional. The last time I basically told her not to worry about it as she thought she was leading me on (makeout while both hammered). Just told her these things happen, and I'm taking it at face value as it didn't give me any false hope. Sounds like we had fun although neither of us remember it. I want her to associate fun with me, not sadness and regret etc. Decent starting point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 2, 2010 Author Share Posted November 2, 2010 Yeah, that's a good starting point, but, if alcohol can make you belligerent, you for sure need to control that factor. You gave a good response re. getting emotional, though a bit of humour or a tease would have made it perfect. If she's letting herself make out with you, then you certainly have hope. It's never too late to start acting nonchalantly; in fact, the later, the greater the impact. Feel free to PM, but I just ask you keep it as concise as possible. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakeItCount Posted November 2, 2010 Share Posted November 2, 2010 Oh, trust me I do great with it when I'm buzzed/sober. when I mean belligerent, I mean, I don't remember anything and I have no control of my emotion. Have had tears in my eyes twice. I'm an emotional person but normally am in very good control of it. And yeah, definitely toning down the drinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SethSLC Posted November 2, 2010 Share Posted November 2, 2010 Whenever I used to think about my ex hooking up with someone while we were apart, and wondering how that would affect me/us later, should we ever reconcile, I just had to remember that we should both be treating it as a totally new relationship anyway; anyone we start a new relationship with is more than likely to have had previous lovers or dates, and we accept that. So accept his hooking up with someone else. He's not yours. He owes you nothing. No one has done anything wrong. ;-) I wish I was able to do this. Sadly this will always stop me from getting back with someone despite the fact that every word of what you said is right.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MakeItCount Posted November 2, 2010 Share Posted November 2, 2010 I wish I was able to do this. Sadly this will always stop me from getting back with someone despite the fact that every word of what you said is right.. I am not sure how I would react. my ex is a really good girl, I know she still hasn't kissed anyone. Sex is a big thing for her. That being said, I gotta agree with Crap. Honestly man, if you're spending all this time getting her back, you'll get over it. Plus, that's what the nonchalance attitude is about - who cares? If you were truly in the mindset you need to be in, this wouldn't bother you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 2, 2010 Author Share Posted November 2, 2010 I wish I was able to do this. Sadly this will always stop me from getting back with someone despite the fact that every word of what you said is right.. You have a considerable amount of control here; that is, you can choose how to respond to these things. Think you have to feel this way? You don't. If you really think about it, you can decide how you will feel about it, or at least how you will deal with that feeling. Choose nonchalance. Then see what happens. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbird78 Posted November 2, 2010 Share Posted November 2, 2010 crap i need your advice,things got kinda nasty after me and my ex split,anyways i work with her and see her 50 plus times a day,ive been off of work for a month due to an injury but will be going back in a 2weeks..my question is do i act friendly to her,treat her like any other coworker,ignore her,or just act like i dont care,or that i moved on....this thread summed up is being nonchalent is acting if you dont care.so do you have any words of wisdom?id appreciate it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrapAtNC Posted November 2, 2010 Author Share Posted November 2, 2010 If you can pull it off, you should be fun and even flirty, but in no way needy or seeking approval. Don't ever go to her, but smile when she comes to you, say something nice, fun, flirty, and then be the one to walk away first. If she's still not on friendly terms with you, then just leave her be. If you're forced into a situation where you have to be close to her, be fun, silly, anything, but, again, never seeking anything--you need nothing from her. Make a joke of the uncomfortable situation: "I think it's best if we just act like we don't know each other. Is that OK with you? . . . So, what's your name?" Act like you had a confidence transplant operation (not over-confident; don't want to appear arrogant). Be happy all the time. Let NOTHING faze you, including anything or anyone annoying at work. Say funny things about them instead, but never let anything affect your demeanour. Have fun with it. Note the responses you get. Apologize for nothing ("You'll survive.") Your goal is to get through each day without ever letting your demeanour slip. Once you get good at it, you can approach her, but we'll get to that when you're ready. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tbird78 Posted November 2, 2010 Share Posted November 2, 2010 i will try that,act happy fun and dont show any negative feelings,i got my hands full but i think this will be the best approach...thanx and ill be coming back for more advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rally Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 I think I will start my journey of nonchalance! Im sick of caring about what people think about me, Ive been reading this thread and I realise the best solution is nonchalance, everytime I act nonchalance it has only brought positives in my life. Thank you CrapatNC for this thread ahah It's like you taught me a life lesson. Well and also everyone who contributed and adding their input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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