Nonchalance is Your Friend

[jellysandwich]

Did you ask or suggest? Can make all the difference.

 

How would these two be phrased?

[CrapAtNC]

Ask: "Would you like to meet for a coffee and a catch-up?"

Suggest: "I'll be in your part of town tomorrow lunch and grabbing a coffee at Che's. Come say hi. Would be great to catch up."

[paulod]

Oh flippin flip!! I asked

sent this :

Hi H, Hows you doing?? Wondered if you fancied going for a coffe and a catch up one day this week, seeing as I'm finally back in on day shift ( makes a change to see sunlight!!)

Laters

P

 

Dammmmmn!!!

 

..back in work this morning and so far no reply

[CrapAtNC]

When we ask, we're dependent on their reply; when we suggest, we're inviting them to join what we'll be doing anyway, independent of whether they accept or not.

 

Good advertising says "Drink Coke today"; bad advertising says "Why not have a Coke today?" The former leads; the latter invites refusal.

 

Try making suggestions with other people in your daily life and see how it makes you feel. ;-)

[paulod]

I see where you're coming from,

Damn it!!

This is gonna take some practice lol!! right will start doing that as of now... see how I go

[CrapAtNC]

Just do it!

[Akaladas]

What's a nonchalant reply to my ex's "I miss you" ? She has a new fella btw. and has been very emotional about me and stuff.

[Live-N-Learn]

You'll survive

[CrapAtNC]

Yes! I agree with Live-N-Learn.

[jellysandwich]

Hmmm... I'm still trying to figure out a better way to say the following:

 

"Gimme a call when you have time"

 

I guess ... it's kind of a mix btwn question and suggestion.

[jenna-is-here]

You'll survive

 

LNL....Love it!

[jenna-is-here]

When we ask, we're dependent on their reply; when we suggest, we're inviting them to join what we'll be doing anyway, independent of whether they accept or not.

 

Good advertising says "Drink Coke today"; bad advertising says "Why not have a Coke today?" The former leads; the latter invites refusal.

 

Try making suggestions with other people in your daily life and see how it makes you feel. ;-)

 

Crap - Do you think there is a big difference between suggesting and commanding...is it the same thing?

 

For example:

 

-you should be hanging out with me OR

-skip work tomorrow and come skiing with me OR

-Lucky for you its my birthday tomorrow you get to take me out for dinner

 

Am I really bad at this?

[CrapAtNC]

The second two are great! Just make sure you don't care should you get a negative response.

[ss84]

Just finished reading this whole thread , took about 4 days on and off but I did it there is some pretty amazing stuff in here and it has helped me alot thru my break up. I'm too am trying to adopt a more nonchalant lifestyle , as towards the end of my relationship I became very needy and let's say codependent . I had to face the harsh reality of being down graded to fwb last night after not seeing my ex for 2 weeks , she told me straight after we slept together that she doesn't wanna be with anyone and doesn't want anything right now . I said I don't want anything either , which is only because I finally realized that sometimes it is what it is. She many times contacts me first and I wait a but before I reply . I don't think I have a chance of getting her back even tho last night was super nice . I guess im just saying thanks for the great thread and I will remain in NIC and see where it goes with the attitude of being fun and upbeat when we talk maybe playfully tease her , but realizing that if it all ends tomorrow , it's not the end of the world I hope that is nonchalant of me

[CrapAtNC]

Yes, that's exactly it! You'll find, as so many others have here, that a nonchalant approach to everything will first make you happier and then start to have a positive effect on your SO. This is definitely the best basis on which to build a new relationship, and is easily the best way to go through life. We still care, but in the right way: about us first, then about them, and not at all about how they react, how things turn out, what they say, and what we get at the end of the day.

 

Welcome to to the thread--and a less needy, more nonchalant lifestyle!

 

 

Crap

[CrapAtNC]

Look at it like this: the most outstanding people in sports, business, and love are the ones who focus on success, not failure. Trapeze artists must focus on catching, not falling; the fastest runners must focus on the finish line, not those behind them; the happiest people focus on the good things in life, not the bad.

 

Think of all the people you know who are getting nowhere in life--the ones who always fail, are always the victim. What do they tend to focus on?

 

We're all ultimately responsible for everything that happens to us--to think otherwise is to delegate ourselves to victim status, but to accept responsibility for all that affects us is to take control of it. That is why we generally advise anyone who comes on here with a dozen questions to stop and take time to work on themselves, because they are obviously feeling like they have lost control of what's happening to them. Once you have control of yourself and your emotions, you are in a better position to control everything else--and you'll find you don't have so many questions because you've already realized that all you need to control is yourself for everything else to fall into place.

 

I do dog whispering. The most amazing transformations occur in dogs whose caregivers readily accept responsibility for the dog's behaviour, change their own posture and outlook, focus only on the positive, accept there will be tests and setbacks, and know in advance how they will respond so as to get everything back on track with the minimum of fuss and effort.

 

I just had a guy with a dog-aggressive, very large doberman, who bit readily, including anyone who tried to control him when he became aggressive. The guy, bless him, was like a sponge for advice, totally accepted his role in every outcome, kept only a positive vision in his mind, and took on the change with confidence, gusto, and a sense of fun. His dog transformed in a matter of days (that's how long it took the guy to change his own ways) and the guy called me yesterday to say how thrilled he was that his huge dobie was no longer lunging at other dogs and actually playing with them instead--and how much happier they both were. The principles for us are the same. We have to let go of the negativity and accept responsibility (and thus control), and we will be happier and more successful because of it.

 

Nonchalantly yours,

 

 

Crap

[The_Seeker]

 

Think of all the people you know who are getting nowhere in life--the ones who always fail, are always the victim. What do they tend to focus on?

 

Crap

 

This is very true. Every time I complain about something, I'm going to find an alternative solution for it. If it doesn't work, I'll look for another alternative solution. Just because it didn't work, doesn't mean the next one doesn't. What I did found that there is one method that doesn't work and so on.

 

Crap, I got a question, if my ex did decide to contact me, do I ignore it?

 

Even if my ex does decide to call or text asking for reconciliation, should I ignore it? Because they're just words and also he could be leaving a text or voicemail for anyone, unless he says my name.

 

Even if he says my name, should I even bother to respond? Again, they're just mere words to me. I do want to get back to him. At the same time, I want my ex to date other people so I don't be taken for granted next time nor be blame for any * * * * that my ex didn't get the chance to experience. Also, it gives me more time to focus on getting my career so I can be financially independent and get the damn respect that I deserve.

 

Besides, isn't it true that if you ignore the texts or voice mails, they'll hunt you down with their actions that they really want to reconcile?

 

I'm not going to follow what my heart tells me. I feel like it's deceiving me at times.

[CrapAtNC]

If reconciliation is your goal, then there has to be a time when you do respond, of course. But, for now, I'd ignore everything. Going off the radar is great for so many reasons. If you find that, for some reason, you have to respond (such as about financial issues or kids), then do so nonchalantly, not coldly. Just keep things unaffected and brief. If you do get a clear indication that he wants to reconcile, then you must be certain. Be careful not to play the victim, so don't say things like "I'm afraid you'll hurt me again" or "How do I know you won't leave again?" Instead, see it as you walking in your own direction and seeing if he wants to follow: "I'm happy now. I deserve more than you've shown you can give." Or "Thanks for saying that, but I don't think you can live up to the kind of man that I want."

[The_Seeker]

LOL I like it how you can play both sides, Crap.

 

For me, I think more like a man, which is sad at times, I know.

 

Can I say, "Thank you I really appreciate that, but I don't think you're ready for what I can offer. See you later!"

 

LOL Too cold?

 

I'm not married or have any kids. Just a single gal going to graduate soon.

[thekid55]

What if you are dealing with a person who has very long self confidence issues and she dealt with abondonment in her life?

 

We had a mutual breakup three weeks ago in order to just work on ourselves and become happy on our own again.

 

I've asked her to see me on two occasions and she has denied it because not enough time had gone by.

 

We haven't spoken in a week and if/when she contacts me, I'm not sure how to react to her, given her issues.

[CrapAtNC]

Can I say, "Thank you I really appreciate that, but I don't think you're ready for what I can offer. See you later!"

 

LOL Too cold?

 

Not too cold at all, though the "See you later!" bit isn't necessary--unless you already have embarked on a flirty way of talking to each other.

 

The problem I see, however, is that you should not be offering him anything.

 

What if you are dealing with a person who has very long self confidence issues and she dealt with abondonment in her life?

 

I did. HUGE issues. Thus, I tried so very, very hard to be there for her, prove I would never leave her, show that I loved her unconditionally. I pushed her away. She came back when I started seeing someone else, and REALLY worked hard to get me.

 

Remember, you're on this thread because you want to help someone who will only get worse the more you try. It's called enabling. The best you can do is to NOT try.

[The_Seeker]

Not too cold at all, though the "See you later!" bit isn't necessary--unless you already have embarked on a flirty way of talking to each other.

 

The problem I see, however, is that you should not be offering him anything.

 

Hhhmm, you do have a point. Then I should say "You don't have what I want most." ;] Hehehe

 

Hahaha, I think if someone said that to me, I would go all out that I can.

 

What you think, Crap?

 

Yes, I'm preplanning just incase I ever got stuck in this situation and that you are never on ENA anymore.

[CrapAtNC]

Hhhmm, you do have a point. Then I should say "You don't have what I want most." ;] Hehehe

 

Hahaha, I think if someone said that to me, I would go all out that I can.

 

What you think, Crap?

 

I agree.

 

I'll be around for a while. I like it here. This is where I focus all my codependence now. ;-)

[MissyMolly]

Lol - thanx CrapatNC - I have copied and pasted a lot of your lines into my breakup journal. I am stuck in that weird vortex of nonchalance and actually giving a crap. It changes DAILY for me. I had a Skype "date" with a new guy tonight, and it was less than stellar, leaving me, of course, to really REALLY miss what I had with my ex. Wow. No nonchalance here at the moment. I feel down. And needy. I am sure tomorrow I will feel differently. It changes constantly, doesn't it?

[CrapAtNC]

Just bear in mind that if you don't make the lines your own, your exes will be falling for me, not you. ;-)

 

Reminds me of an episode of a teen TV series I used to enjoy. One of the characters had a dinner date with someone he really liked but had no idea how to talk to her. So his more confident buddy agreed to sit at a table behind his date and write down things to say on large pieces of card for his buddy to read over his date's shoulder.

 

When she turns round and catches the buddy holding up a sign saying what she had just heard from her date, she looks to him for an explanation. He says, "Did you see that? That guy's writing down everything I say!"