Nonchalance is Your Friend

[The_Seeker]

You are the man! That's what I'm going to do if my ex ever decides to contact me and wants me back again. It's been 2 months of STRICT NC.

[J8415]

Well Crap- I finally took the first step of allowing myself to move on. I deleted her out of my phone. I have a thing that if you arent in my phone you arent alive to me. She is hidden on my facebook account and is soon to be deleted. I thought I could go by the Light Communication but its evident that I cant and I am still suffering over the split. Like my social worker best friend said, you have to get it in your head that she is dead to you even though she isnt and you have to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling(loss of her) which i havent..tonight was a big step. The next step is finding a place to sell the Engagement ring.

[KateUK]

Welcome to the thread, Griffey. I followed your story before I was very active on the forum and am very pleased for you at this turn of events! My Mum used to say to me 'Let them go with dignity and they will always come back' and I believe nonchalance and dignity go hand in hand. You handled your ex's reappearance with great poise.

 

Although she says the ball is in your court, I believe it is up to her to show you a little bit more of her intentions. Until she explicitly says she wants you back, you really don't have to initiate contact with her at all - she will reach out more each time if she thinks you are moving out of her grasp. She will have probably thought you would be wagging your tail at the thought of seeing her again but she was the one who wanted the relationship to end, and she needs to win back your trust and your heart in order to value you. And you need to allow her to do this.

 

Best of luck with it!

 

x

[iduncare]

If you see new photos on your ex fb account. With new haircut, contact lenses, looking smarter than he ever looked. Having fun with his friends. How to react? He has not been initiating much contact.

[iduncare]

And you know he only dresses smart and wear contact lenses on special occasion. Or when he is trying to impress a girl.

[Strife]

So last night's drama, didn't need a nonchalant text. She woke me up early this morning and wanted to talk.

She began by getting angry at me for apparently excluding her from our shared social group, and taking away her friends. I explained calmly (too early for 'proper' nonchalance) that it wasn't my intent to do that etc...didn't actually apologize (haven't actually done anything to turn people against her). Anyway, she revealed that it would 'tear her apart' if I found a new girlfriend/was seeing someone else, hence her erratic behavior last night. And with this, shes started making steps to reconcile, because apparently she had 'hope' that we'd get back together.

That's not to say I'm running into a relationship with her, or that I've forgiven her past actions etc....work needs to be done, and she needs to work herself out, but what can I say? Nonchalance got me further, in a shorter time than actually caring, the same day I effectively decided to let go, the situation is sorta 'resolved'. I'm going to stay nonchalant, just in case things don't happen, and I have no expectations. So we'll just have to see what happens really

[Live-N-Learn]

So we all went to the concert last night and she pretty much ignored me and I was pretty nonchalant all night. Did my own thing. talked to friends and did not spend much time with her. When I was around her she talked to others and really did not talk with me much. So she and part of the group left and went around the corner to the dance club we always go to and she called me and asked where I was. I told her at the concert and she said get your butt over here. I told her I would in a few.

 

I got there and it was the same crap. Her talking to others and ignoring me. I did not let it effect me and talked to my friends. Then after about an hour I told her and our friends I have to leave, lot's of work to do in the morning. She looked at me weird and I just smiled and said goodbye. I left at 12pm. I never leave early so this was def unexpected. She then text me at around 4am saying "I don't understand you" I have not responded.

 

Truthfully, I have had enough. I don't even want to be her friend. The way she treats me is not how I want to be treated even as a friend. She did not thank me for the buying her ticket and did not spend any time with me. Disrespectful if you ask me. I tried to not buy her a drink all night but she saw me in line once and walked over and said buy me a drink. So I bought her one. She should have been buying me drinks for taking her. Enough is enough. This women just does not get how to treat people.

 

It is sad but I really think this is it for me.

[RobD70]

Truthfully, I have had enough. I don't even want to be her friend. The way she treats me is not how I want to be treated even as a friend. She did not thank me for the buying her ticket and did not spend any time with me. Disrespectful if you ask me. I tried to not buy her a drink all night but she saw me in line once and walked over and said buy me a drink. So I bought her one. She should have been buying me drinks for taking her. Enough is enough. This women just does not get how to treat people.

 

It is sad but I really think this is it for me.

 

This is good, that's the right frame of mind to be in.

 

Sometimes being angry at the situation helps. I had started to hate my wife (on purpose, I was sick of waiting for her to wake up and come around) and that allowed me to go NC much easier. I didn't say or do anything mean to her but I ignored her like the plague and was then really able to focus on what I wanted, not what she was doing.

[KateUK]

I told her at the concert and she said get your butt over here. I told her I would in a few. I got there and it was the same crap.

She did not thank me for the buying her ticket and did not spend any time with me. Disrespectful if you ask me. I tried to not buy her a drink all night but she saw me in line once and walked over and said buy me a drink. So I bought her one.

 

Hmm... this doesn't cry out Nonchalance to me, LnL.

 

She asks you to jump, you say how high. You shouldn't have bought her a drink, or her ticket, or followed her like a puppy to the club. You are behaving EXACTLY how she expects you too, condoning her behaviour by not challenging her and then going home early to make a point (because that's the only way you think you can stand up to her?) but just having her thinking that you are sulking. Imagine the scenario had gone this way:

'get your butt over here!' 'my fine butt is happy just here for the moment, but you have a great time

'buy me a drink' 'how about a tap water? or you buy me one to thank me for the concert ticket?'

 

Give an inch and she will take a mile - and she is walking all over you. You need to command respect by your own actions, at the minute she has no reason to behave any differently.

 

Sorry to be harsh...

[KateUK]

If you see new photos on your ex fb account. With new haircut, contact lenses, looking smarter than he ever looked. Having fun with his friends. How to react? He has not been initiating much contact.

 

I would think, good man - he is making an effort to move on and improve himself. I would be tempted to do the same and wait for him to initiate contact.

[Live-N-Learn]

I hear what you are saying but have to disagree to some point. I was happy and upbeat and just acted like I did not care. I did not jump. When the majority of the group went next door I told her I was be over in a few. When I got there I continued to do my own thing and just chose to go home. I was not sulking and looking sad. I just said goodbye to everyone including her and left. I really did have to get up early so what I said was true. I had just had enough of the same old crap. Maybe I could have not bought her a drink but trust me I did good. I only bought her one. As for saying you buy me a drink for taking you to the concert does not sound good to me. It sounds kinda like I am hurt for you not saying thank you. But I also see how it could have been standing up for myself. As for the ticket, I already bought it for her and it would have been rude to then tell her to give me the money for it. She will see a differnce cuz she will not get anything more from me. No drinks, no concerts, nothing. I am not enjoying the time together so I will not be hanging out with much more if at all. I am chosinig to let go of her. I don't want this in my life anymore and when I act nonchalant she just chases me more. It's stupid but that's what happens we all know this. I will not be responding.

 

She has been posting on my wall all morning. Her last post said "Oh Where oh where did Scotty go!!!" I really do feel different now about her and am getting to a point that I really care much less. I guess it just takes time. Indifference is coming I can feel it.

[KateUK]

I had just had enough of the same old crap. Maybe I could have not bought her a drink but trust me I did good. I only bought her one. As for saying you buy me a drink for taking you to the concert does not sound good to me. It sounds kinda like I am hurt for you not saying thank you.

 

If you don't like the way someone behaves, nothing will change unless you call them out on it. I think you would challenge a friend, so why not a girl? She may be totally unaware that you feel this way and would have a total wake up call if you did.

 

Could it be that you aren't calling her out on it so its easier to channel your energies into disliking her behaviour and justify your thinking that you are better off without her? Either way, actions speak louder than words - and you may have been talking the noncha talk but you certainly were walking a more passive walk - and giving her the impression that she wont have to chase too hard.

 

Obviously I don't know the situation like you do - but this is just what I pick up from it....

[Live-N-Learn]

Update

 

She just called me and asked where I went last night, that I wasn't around much last night. I just laughed and said I was talking to a bunch of friends and having fun. She said that I sucked and she wanted to hang out with me last night cuz you will be busy for the next 3 weekends. I said it's no biggie, I will see you in about a month. She said no...I will get you out during the week. I said I doubt it. Then I said I have to get back to work and she said no, keep talking to me! I said no, I have to go. She said no I am the one that gets to end the calls. I just laughed and she said ok then bye. Then she text me..I win haha I hung up first. I did not respond.

 

This is so childish and she is so immature and shallow. I really am done with this relationship/friendship. It is not fun anymore and is getting me nowhere. I am truly starting to not care.

[Live-N-Learn]

If you don't like the way someone behaves, nothing will change unless you call them out on it. I think you would challenge a friend, so why not a girl? She may be totally unaware that you feel this way and would have a total wake up call if you did.

 

Could it be that you aren't calling her out on it so its easier to channel your energies into disliking her behaviour and justify your thinking that you are better off without her? Either way, actions speak louder than words - and you may have been talking the noncha talk but you certainly were walking a more passive walk - and giving her the impression that she wont have to chase too hard.

 

Obviously I don't know the situation like you do - but this is just what I pick up from it....

 

I hear what you are saying Kate and yes I am pulling away and am sure she will ask me at some point what is wrong. When she does I will have the talk with her. Calling them out on it is not being nonchalant IMO, but is necessary at times. There is a time when we all need to stand up for ourselves and say how we feel. Mine is coming and it will not be to save the friendship. It probably will make ours better but I am not sure I want her as a friend. Not sure she is capable of having healthy friendships and she does not treat me like I deserve to be treated. Part of that is my fault for letting her get away with so much. It is too early for us to be friends and for me to see her with someone else. Maybe down the road but not right now. I need to go away until I am OK with just friendship if I even want it at that point.

 

With that said. Are you suggesting instead of just pulling away I should talk to her about it now? I struggle with this because there is so much to say and I am not sure I can say it without sounding emotional and it coming off wrong right now. Not sure even what I would say. This has not been just a friendship. If it was it would be easy. I could easily have the talk with her about how I don't like the way she treats me as a friend but not so sure if I talk about the relationship part and how many mixed signals she has sent me. What are your thoughts?

[KateUK]

Instead of laughing you should have just said 'whats the most annoying noise in the world?' and then hung up

[Live-N-Learn]

Instead of laughing you should have just said 'whats the most annoying noise in the world?' and then hung up

 

haha...now that's funny! I edited the post please respond as able. I really do appreciate your candor and advice.

[KateUK]

Ok.... I think you are waiting for her to ask you what's wrong and acknowledge your feelings. This is something my ex used to do ALL the time - hence coming on a bit strong at you the last few messages! He had this big issue of me not respecting and appreciating him and would do things for me with a smile on his face and then tell people that I was taking advantage and resent me for it. Then he would go quiet on me. It was really messed up and passive aggressive because it is the only way he could think to stand up to me. Left me feeling totally confused constantly and lost him a lot of respect from me. Women want a man to be a man - and I wish he had been nonchalant with me. If he had, I am sure our relationship would be right on track right now.

Anyway, enough about him - this is about you pair.

 

Calling her out on it in a 'I don't like your attitude!!' type of way is NOT nonchalant.

Calling her out on it by saying 'would you like that drink in a gold plated glass my lady? And would you like me to drink it as well for you?' with a cheeky grin on your face is TOTALLY nonchalant. It shows that you know how she treats you, that you respect yourself more than that, and are confident enough to tease her about it. She says she wants to be a friend and nothing more, so you should treat her just like you treat your guy friends - hand her the drink then say 'I'll have a [insert choice of tipple here] when you get YOUR round in ;-).' You shouldn't be treating her like she is your special princess because she isn't any more - I know old habits die hard but you really are enabling her to keep you dangling and it doesn't seem like you are pulling away really.

 

I don't think you need to talk about it particularly - just need to resist her requests with nonchalant responses more that's all. We have seen that you are capable of this, you just seemed to have let it slip a little. You need to be consistent or you will be responding to HER mixed signals with more of your own.

 

Hope that helps?? x

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah it helps Kate and I don't really want to have a serious talk with her. I do need to stand up for myself though and stop paying for her. She has never said she wants to just be just friends. That is the part that has me so confused. Just like last weekend when she said yes date with Scotty! Yay, it's a date! Then says let's go back to your house and dance afterwards. I want you only to dance in your superman briefs! She was serious cuz we always dance in my bedroom. Then the next day she cancels and drives Jesse to the club and treats me like a friend that night.

 

Should I just assume we are just friends since we have not slept together for about a month? If so, I don't think I can handle being just her friend right now. All over this site it is advised to take a break and not be friends right after. I know my situation is a little different cuz we have been broken up since January and had 10 weeks of NC. But since hanging out again over the past 4 months we have slept together about 10 times. I am just not sure how best to handle this situation. She very well may think I am OK with being friends and she may have friendzoned me without telling me. Her actions are showing it.

 

How do I proceed. I am really confused. As you mentioned there is a part of me that wants her back but I am really starting to grow in bitterness and some of it is my fault. I want her to respect me and just don't know what to do anymore. I really would like to tell her how I feel and put and end to this and make it a healthy relationship or friendship. How do I do that?

[KateUK]

She seems to be treating you as a friend but your actions show that you are treating her as something else. Start treating her like a friend back - no, like an ACQUAINTANCE. Earn her respect by showing yourself some self-respect. By being bitter, you are allowing her to effect your feelings. Not nonchalant. You need to garner a carefree, couldn't care either way, breezy attitude. And practice it!

[snoopydog]

I would tell her straight up that you are only interested in her friendship if it comes along with a relationship because right now she seems to enjoy stringing you along and having you on the back-burner. I honestly think that if another guy came onto the scene she would drop you. That's my gut feeling from having read a sprinkling of your posts about the nature of your relationship with her over the last few months.

 

I think you deserve better.

[KateUK]

I think you deserve better.

 

He SO does x

[Live-N-Learn]

Ugh.. tell her, don't tell her. If I talk to her I get it over with once and for all and she will know what I want. If I don't say anything and just start treating her like a friend, I prolong it and it will take a lot of time to get the respect back and I risk being friendzoned forever. At least if I tell her I can walk away with her knowing what I want, then it's on her.

 

I think she might be already dating someone else but she will never tell me. She is very good at hiding it. If she is dating it is not serious but it could be in the future. I know I can get my respect back from her by respecting myself more. I honestly want to date her and not be just friends. Doubt I could handle that right now.

 

So, which is the best approach? Which gives me the best chance at getting her back or moving on?

[KateUK]

Well did you say that you are unlikely to see her for a month? Why don't you just go NC for a month. Have you made it clear to her in the past that you want to either date or not see her at all? If so, you don't need to reiterate that again. Just disappear.

[Julo]

LNL I was in a similar situation as you are. My Ex would call all the time and text and even ask me out, but just us two. We occasionally slept together and even made plans for a trip together. Well I have been distancing myself and she has observed it. She even asked about it to which I said oh nothing. So I had the balls to call her out on what exactly we were, and needless to say I was not happy with her answer to which she said we are just friends and to take it one day at a time. It set my arse on fire and made my mind go 20 million miles an hour. I told her I was expecting a little more than friends and grant it I know we are not a couple.

 

My emotions has been getting to me because no one likes to get led on or used, in which I felt I was getting both. And might I add this was the girl I loved and saw a future with. And she knows it. So I basically got fed up cause I believe I do not deserve this and deserve a whole lot more. So I just called it quits and gave her a piece of my mind. It really sucks but I feel this is something that will help me in the long run. LNL its ultimately up to you the decision, but you are getting hurt and I can see it from your posts. Start distancing yourself little by little and just let her go.

 

If she really wanted something with you there is really nothing that can stop a person from being with you. My ex used school and gym and photography, which I found it as an excuse. I am in pain and I admit to it cause I do love this girl, but at the same time I need to have my mind and emotions together on the same page. Time will only help me. I too was a sucker cause when she broke up with me I was like a puppy dog begging her back. Which she said friends and I agreed. But when things didnt go her way she would throw a fit. So just let yourself go from your ex and work on yourself. If she really wants to get back with you she will just tell you instead of playing these dumb little games. Good luck. BTW this is the best thread

[Live-N-Learn]

Well our past has been complicated. After we broke up I tried to get her back for 3 months, we slept together a few times and it was just like it is now. I did tell her what I wanted and went NC for 10 weeks. We have been talking again for 4 months. The first 3 months things seemed to be heading in the right direction although she was not defining our relationship even though we slept together about 10 times. She had said right when we started hanging out again after the NC period that she was taking a break from dating. Then after we got back from a trip to Dallas about a month ago I had the talk with her about dating and and she said she was still not ready to date anyone for at least 6 months and would talk to me about us before she started dating again. Then the next day joins a dating site. I have never know her to lie so this really confused me.

 

I have not come right out and said it since we have been hanging out again that either we date or I'm out because of the conversations we had about her not dating anyone kinda blocked me from being able to have the convo. IMO

 

So maybe now I should have it? I will just have to be prepared for her to say no I don't want to date you I only want friendship. Then I will need to tell her I will come back around when and if I am OK with that.

 

I know you are saying be nonchalant and even go NC. If I do, she will chase and ask me what is wrong. If I just ignore her she will not understand why I have done this and just doesn't seem to be the best way to end it. I think she thinks I know where I stand but I don't.