Nonchalance is Your Friend

[Live-N-Learn]

why does it have to be tonight? No too many words I think or too many sentences. Something doesn't sound right.

 

Kim,

 

What would you say? How would you change it? I want to get this over with. The longer I wait the longer it eats at me. It happened on Saturday and I just want to get it over with.

[BeDour]

Kim,

 

What would you say? How would you change it? I want to get this over with. The longer I wait the longer it eats at me. It happened on Saturday and I just want to get it over with.

 

In your situation, I'd say nothing. Or at least not be so serious about it. Something like "Hey listen sorry I looked a your phone but I don't think we need to be mad at each other over it."

[kim1]

LiveandLearn

 

I understand that but this is not going to be over with tonight. I just don't want you to send that right now. Don't you feel like whenever you send something too quickly you wish you waited on it till the next day. I don't think I like the joke about the court because this apology itself is not nonchalant but you are trying to make it nonchalant with the court joke. You need to write something more authentic because you are not practicing nonchalantism here. It's like too apologetic, too serious and then the joke and it doesn't flow right. I think it needs to be shorter than that. I really don't think you should send it at all but you are going to so I think give it a night and get some rest and maybe think about doing it tomorrow. Also it is good to talk to us before you send it so give it some time and maybe get more feedback

[kim1]

I agree with BeDour totally. In fact if you insist on sending it tonight this is way better than the other two in my opinion.

In your situation, I'd say nothing. Or at least not be so serious about it. Something like "Hey listen sorry I looked a your phone but I don't think we need to be mad at each other over it."

[BeDour]

The reason I would say something like I suggested is because it will almost certainly get a response. She could come back with a number of things.

 

She could bite on the fact that you admitted to lookin at her phone with something like "Oh so you WERE snooping through my phone?" to which you can reply with something small like "I wouldn't call it snooping but the thing went off and I was drunk I couldn't help it haha".

 

Or she could bite on the "I don't think WE need to be mad at each other" and reply with "Why on earth would you be mad at me? I did nothing wrong you're the one who was going through my stuff." to which you say "Of course I have a right to be mad, you walked in on me in the bathroom who knows what I could have been doing

 

Either way, you'll get a response, and you can then redirect the conversation from there.

[waveseer]

This. My girl is the type that will walk away if she thinks I don't care, just because she doesn't want to try if she thinks I'm uninterested.

 

Doesn't that make sense though? Do you think she shouldn't walk away if you act disinterested?

[kim1]

I like it more for those reasons and others

[CrapAtNC]

I agree with Kim. On reading it now, I prefer the second one. Sounds more sincere, and, because it's brief with no requests, questions, or need for feedback, it's not needy.

[CrapAtNC]

Or she could bite on the "I don't think WE need to be mad at each other" and reply with "Why on earth would you be mad at me? I did nothing wrong you're the one who was going through my stuff." to which you say "Of course I have a right to be mad, you walked in on me in the bathroom who knows what I could have been doing

 

Haha! LOVE that!

[CrapAtNC]

Nonchalance is about keeping your cool, about not letting things bother you, about showing you are the bigger person. You still care. But you don't care so much that you smother them like you did before.

 

If they're sick, you care, but just enough. If they are unhappy, you care, but just enough. If they say they hate you, you don't care. If they don't respond, you don't care. Above all, you care about yourself.

 

I have one question about nonchalance. How is it distinguishable from a genuine lack of caring?

[Live-N-Learn]

Wow, this sucks. Anyways it is done. I was writing an apology to her best friend Jesse apologizing for lying to him as well and some how my phone sent it! So I had to hurry and send her something. Urrrrrrrrr.

 

Here is what he said to me: Ok, I don't care about you looking through her phone. But you tried to lie to me about it the next morning. I was standing behind you way before tiara even came in there. she sent me in there to see if you were going through her phone. I could see the phone and you messing with it. I waved her and pointed at my phone. That's when she came in there and you should of just been straight forward with her and told her ya I just wanted to look through it. She would of just been mad instead of being pissed that you made up a story and you shouldn't of even said anything to me the next morning. I would have just blown it off. I didn't care but you tried saying the same thing to why you did that to me. I am straight forward with you.

 

I replied. I hear ya Jesse. I fu***d up and regret it. I was drunk then panicked cuz I was embarrassed and made up a story. If you can't forgive me, I understand.

 

Is this apology to him OK?

 

I had to then send her a text.

 

Me. Hey Tiara, I looked at your phone and denied it. I should not have done that. I regret it and apologize. I was drunk then panicked cuz I was so embarrassed and made up a story. If you can't forgive me I will understand.

 

So that's it. We will see what happens.

 

Any thoughts? How did it sound? I had to respond because of the stupid text that went to Jesse!!!

 

I probably said something really stupid but it is the truth. I just felt like this is what I needed to say after what he wrote me. I wish I would have had more time to run it by you guys. Don't beat me up too bad but be honest on how you think I did and how she will take it.

[CrapAtNC]

Sounds good to me.

 

You need some time to get yourself together. ;-)

[waveseer]

Nonchalance is about keeping your cool, about not letting things bother you, about showing you are the bigger person. You still care. But you don't care so much that you smother them like you did before.

 

If they're sick, you care, but just enough. If they are unhappy, you care, but just enough. If they say they hate you, you don't care. If they don't respond, you don't care. Above all, you care about yourself.

 

I agree that caring about yourself is always a good plan. I just don't understand how to measure "just enough caring". When I think about those types of responses they sound patronizing which is highly off-putting.

[CrapAtNC]

I agree that caring about yourself is always a good plan. I just don't understand how to measure "just enough caring". When I think about those types of responses they sound patronizing which is highly off-putting.

 

This thread is for codependent people; that is, those who felt a need to smother their loved ones. This is not a healthy way, and will push people away. We need to learn to show love and care unselfishly--in a way that is healthy and not because of some psychological need we have developed.

 

If I call my ex five times a day and send countless texts it is not for her, no matter what the reason; it's to satisfy my own neediness. If I care, I call or text my ex and tell her I'm here if she needs anything. If I get something for her, as I have done in the past, I deliver it with a smile and leave her alone. Previously, I would have practically forced myself on her under the pretense of caring only about her.

 

If you are seeing responses as patronizing, perhaps your not envisioning them being delivered with a smile, a wink, or a laugh. You will be amazed at how attractive it is to not seek approval all the time, and how much healthier it makes your relationships.

[waveseer]

Maybe this topic isn't for me. I tend to run away at the early signs of a partner losing interest, maybe giving up too soon. It's the flip side of the same coin. Does that mean I should be more chalant rather than less?

[CrapAtNC]

Maybe this topic isn't for me. I tend to run away at the early signs of a partner losing interest, maybe giving up too soon. It's the flip side of the same coin. Does that mean I should be more chalant rather than less?

 

How do you define "losing interest"? What would be the signs that would normally send you running?

[Live-N-Learn]

Sounds good to me.

 

You need some time to get yourself together. ;-)

 

Yeah Crap, I need to now take some time to get my act together and master nonchalance for myself to be a happier and healhier person. I know I can do it, I just need to get over this last hump.

 

Can you believe I have the urge to send her another text saying: I want to add that I realize I also violated your privacy and that was wrong. I am not perfect but my apology is sincere. Scott

 

I am feeling my text to her was not good enough urrrrrr

 

I need a cigarette lol

[waveseer]

How do you define "losing interest"? What would be the signs that would normally send you running?

 

For instance, if a man decreases his contacting me I figure he's found other things to do that are more important to him. It sounds healthy on the surface, but underneath I think it's still my insecurity digging in it's heels.

[CrapAtNC]

Ha-ha! Are you the guy from Swingers? Be honest!

 

Let it go. The sooner you move on, the sooner she'll forget about it.

 

When my ex caught me sneaking a look at her phone, it created huge problems. Just a few weeks later she was leaving her phone with me again while she showered or went out. I never looked again; I totally appreciated her trusting me again. As your ex will. They need to test you.

[PaleSeptember]

Yeah Crap, I need to now take some time to get my act together and master nonchalance for myself to be a happier and healhier person. I know I can do it, I just need to get over this last hump.

 

Can you believe I have the urge to send her another text saying: I want to add that I realize I also violated your privacy and that was wrong. I am not perfect but my apology is sincere. Scott

 

I am feeling my text to her was not good enough urrrrrr

 

I need a cigarette lol

 

Nooo! Leave it! Step away from the phone I get what you're feeling, it's like this pure neediness to just keep sending more and more. Blah.

[CrapAtNC]

For instance, if a man decreases his contacting me I figure he's found other things to do that are more important to him. It sounds healthy on the surface, but underneath I think it's still my insecurity digging in it's heels.

 

It sounds to me like you need to communicate more. I'm not a professional, though, so you can take or leave anything I say. ;-)

[waveseer]

It sounds to me like you need to communicate more. I'm not a professional, though, so you can take or leave anything I say. ;-)

 

Either that or I need to find someone who is as interested in communicating as I am.

[Live-N-Learn]

haha...I just watched that movie for the first time about 3 weeks ago. OMG! I saw myself in that guy the first 3 months we broke up before I finally went NC for 10 weeks. lol OK I will let it go and see what happens. I hope my text was good enough...I need reassurance it was OK... haha there I go again

 

Maybe you should put me on probation from the nonchalant club for a few months

 

I hope I get another chance to be nonchalant with her and earn back her trust as you did. If not, I will move on and use it on someone else. At least my conscience is now been cleared

[BeDour]

haha...I just watched that movie for the first time about 3 weeks ago. OMG! I saw myself in that guy the first 3 months we broke up before I finally went NC for 10 weeks. lol OK I will let it go and see what happens. I hope my text was good enough...I need reassurance it was OK... haha there I go again

 

Maybe you should put me on probation from the nonchalant club for a few months

 

I hope I get another chance to be nonchalant with her and earn back her trust as you did. If not, I will move on and use it on someone else. At least my conscience is now been cleared

 

You'll get your chance. She'd have to be a stone cold killer to be able to just never speak to you again over a cell phone peek. Even if she contacts you just to yell at you more, you'll get your chance to interact and display nonchalance.

[Live-N-Learn]

You'll get your chance. She'd have to be a stone cold killer to be able to just never speak to you again over a cell phone peek. Even if she contacts you just to yell at you more, you'll get your chance to interact and display nonchalance.

 

I hope so. I don't think it is the looking at the phone that has me in the dog house, it is the lying and saying I did not do it, and making up the story that has me eating on the porch.