Nonchalance is Your Friend

[JadedStar]

I’ve had to learn not to care so much. It’s not easy, as I’m naturally a caring kind of person, of course—but I have learned how to control it. I still care, but I don’t do anything to give others the impression that I care too much. And it’s having a profoundly positive affect.

 

 

Great post and i agree, but the excerpt above i do disagree with to some extent. It isn't about caring less, no one should make themselves not care if they are caring, it is about learning how to care without being smothering. Plenty of people everyday are very caring and loving and might love others as much as you love the people in your life but the non co dependent person can care and love wtihout smothering and needing to be around that person all the time.

 

I am also not sure i agree with needing to be non chalant as much as i think we need to just be able to care about someone without it being a "need". If we can care for someone wihtout expecting a lot or in some cases like with an ex nothing in return the codependency clears itself up.

 

I was clingy and a bit codependent in my youth. I didn't stop caring or become non chalant i just over time learned how to stop expecting the world from those i cared for.

Codependent people are typically the most passive aggressive people on earth and they believe in their minds that they are not controlling because they view it as "i care so much for this person that i NEED them to always be around me, why are they pulling away from me"? Healthy people can love someone without expecting that the object of their love is with them 24 /7.

 

So it isn't about being non chalant so much as it is about learning how to love another person from afar.

[CrapAtNC]

Well, we disagree then ... but who cares?

[JadedStar]

Well my reason for saying this is because learning how to not care isn't a healthy option for many and I felt it important to at least make the notation. Whether you care for my opinion or not is not relevant.

 

Those who don't subscribe to that process is fine, but since this is a discussion board I wanted to add that the trick to removing co dependency is not necessarily removing your feeling but removing the incessant urge to ACT on those feelings all the time.

 

I also said that i agreed with much of your post and know that it was an attempt to do something positive for yourself and share with others. That is the same motivation i had as well.

[CrapAtNC]

I'm joking with you JS.

 

You actually agreed with my post. I didn't say to stop caring; I said to stop caring too much. I also mentioned that it's important to accept your feelings but not act on them (it is indeed a key part of overcoming codependency).

 

Codependency is the root of my caring too much, but it's only the introduction to my post, not the subject: Nonchalance is more to do with raising your attractiveness and avoiding destructive behaviour than it is overcoming an emotional need. It prevents your relationship spiraling ever downwards through the conflict inherent in defending yourself or the perceived neediness of going all out to appease.

 

Brush off that which would have felled you before. It's as simple as that.

 

"Whether you care for my opinion or not is not relevant." Exactly!

 

[callittheblues]

Great thread. Problem Ive found is that I used to act like i wasnt bothered and true it did have my ex chasing me. I was like this for a large part of the relationship. However I think you need to be careful because if you start to take them for granted it can bite you back. She eventually got fed up, possibly read a thread like this and we broke up (9 months ago) and started with nonchalance. Surprise surprise I started chasing her to get back all of her affection. Striking a balance is so important. I eventually got back together with her but I think possibly gave her too much affection in trying to sort things. We have ended up breaking up again (couple of months ago) over a stupid argument and my jealous behaviour. It was a long relationship (nearly 5 years) and would love to get back together but this time with balance. When there is no balance and what seems to be a back and forth shift of power then it causes so many problems. We have had a very passionate up and down relationship but always have cared for one another deeply. I miss her like you wouldnt believe, but starting to think that unlike last time I should let her be and not chase her again apologising. Your thoughts?

After very little contact for 5 weeks, I text her regarding an issue with the health of a member of her family to check everything was ok. She replied saying everyting was ok with him and he is fine. That is such a relief, but not sure how to be now I know he is ok. Do I reply or just leave things? What do you reckon? She said she hopes im looking affter myself and to take care.

[callittheblues]

Ok, I've finally gotten around to reading this thread and I think I kinda get it.

 

How do you move from NC to LC nonchalantly? Anyone have any tips?

 

Good question. Im currently thinking about the same thing. Its hard to know how to break the ice.

[pumpkinmoon]

Good question. Im currently thinking about the same thing. Its hard to know how to break the ice.

 

What has happened in the last 5 weeks? have you been chasing and apologising?

[rapunzel]

cali - so your ex was chasing you and apologizing while you were still together, correct? Just curious as my ex gave me a major apology just over a week ago but we've been broken up for 8 months. I've been nonchalant since and I'm not holding my breath. While I admit I'm still hoping for more I also have one foot firmly planted on the ground and out the door.

 

I had to see him last night for work and four of us went out afterwards as it was one of our colleague's b-days. My ex was sitting next to me and he's just gorgeous and smells wonderful. Despite this I have to say I was quite nonchalant. But this morning I started worrying about things I said, not that I said anything off color but I was afraid I talked too much. Oh well. I'm human. I was being myself and that is all I can be. If he doesn't like it, too bad. And there's no evidence he didn't like it, it's just my paranoia talking.

 

The cool thing was the guy whose birthday it was is 16 years younger than me and is constantly flirting with me, touching me, putting his arm around me at the end of the night - all in front of my ex. He's cute and a nice guy so I don't mind. My ex does take note of it, he has mentioned it to me and I can tell by the look on his face that he is watching. Doesn't seem to matter though.

 

It's OK. In the last few days I've been thinking more and more than I don't want him back. The fact that I was not able to go No Contact has prevented a reconciliation, in my opinion. I have never been far enough away or long enough away from him that he would miss me and wonder about me. I know I'm posting in the GBT forum and yes, I do keep my heart just that little bit open to my ex for reconciliation but I'm also really hoping to find someone new. That's the challenge, finding someone new. It's too bad this other guy is SO much younger than me, although men date women that much younger all the time and no one bats an eyelash.

 

BTW, a great read about the power imbalances in rel'ships that I found very helpful is: "The Passion Trap: Where is your Relationship going?" By Dean C. Delis.

[EyesOnThePrize]

The cool thing was the guy whose birthday it was is 16 years younger than me and is constantly flirting with me, touching me, putting his arm around me at the end of the night - all in front of my ex. He's cute and a nice guy so I don't mind. My ex does take note of it, he has mentioned it to me and I can tell by the look on his face that he is watching. Doesn't seem to matter though.

 

 

My guess is that is that if he is watching, it matters. It probably gives him a lot to think about when he goes home each night. I think that when dumpers say "I won't be jealous when you go out with someone else", what they are saying is "If you go out with someone else, I'll feel better about dumping you" and/or "I've got my new person, so I don't care what you do." And I think that feelings don't magically disappear, and seeing the dumpee with a new person does have an effect, especially if a rebound isn't going well. How strong that effect is I don't know. And, of course, its just my opinion.

[Mustang]

My guess is that is that if he is watching, it matters. It probably gives him a lot to think about when he goes home each night. I think that when dumpers say "I won't be jealous when you go out with someone else", what they are saying is "If you go out with someone else, I'll feel better about dumping you" and/or "I've got my new person, so I don't care what you do." And I think that feelings don't magically disappear, and seeing the dumpee with a new person does have an effect, especially if a rebound isn't going well. How strong that effect is I don't know. And, of course, its just my opinion.

 

Yep. I agree.

 

My ex said to me "I'm sure you're making up for lost time and what not and I'm cool with that" which I took as:

 

"I'm having the time of my life without you and I'm with someone else now so if you are sleeping with other people, it will make me feel less guilty for doing so myself".

[rapunzel]

Hey Eyes,

 

I hope you're right but the whole point of nonchalance is I'm not supposed to care. The truth is, I wouldn't be posting here if I did not care.

 

I feel like my ex is waiting for me to chase him after he had his big talk with me just over a week ago. During that talk he said to me "what I did MUST have hurt you". I think I was pretty cool post break up because I HAD to be. Perhaps he thinks the relationship had little effect on me which is so far from the truth. I had to see him and work with him and the only way I could deal was to ACT as if I was OK, and was dealing with it. I felt I had no other choice.

 

When he said "what I did must have hurt you" I kind of hesitated and said, "well" and then he jumped in with "you didn't take it lightly" to which I agreed "Yes, I did not take it lightly" but I didn't fill him on my months of crying, sadness and posting on the internet for support. So I wonder if he's intrigued and looking for me to let him know how much I care by taking the bait from the "talk".

 

But I am NOT going to chase him. He has to come after me. And I'm not counting on it but it is nice to have him see other men interested in me. It is such a GAME.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Rap - I don't think that you're not supposed to care, I think that it's "He (or she) isn't allowed to know that you care." I think that's why we have ENA...so we can be nonchalant in front of our exes, and vent and scream here.

 

I told my ex before she left that I was through chasing her. I loved her, and I wanted to be with her, and that this was a time for me, so she shouldn't expect to hear from me for a while. I'm pretty sure that was a disappointment to her. She goes to passive-aggressive with "If you don't stay in touch with me, I guess I'll just forget about you." My thought was "Yeah, whatever. If you're going to be able to forget about me that quickly after 9+ years together, it doesn't say much about you, does it?" However, my response was "Well, if that's what you feel like you need to do, then I accept that." Again, I don't think that was the response she wanted. And of course, each day I post here about how much I miss her and want to talk to her...so, nonchalance is definitely a surface thing for me at this point.

[rapunzel]

Yes, you're right Eyes. I try to convince myself that my nonchalance is real but in front of my ex it is a bit of a put on. But it's better than doing what I want to do: touch him, kiss him, look into his beautiful eyes and tell him how I much I miss him and want a second chance. Being the dumpee, I can't do that. I have to act nonchalant, like I don't care. The game continues.

 

But with each day and no further moves from him (well, it has been just over a week since the "talk" and he moves slowly apparently) my nonchalance WILL become real and there will be a day when I don't care about him, what he thinks, and what he does or doesn't do. But that day isn't here yet so it's nice to be able to come here and vent for support.

[renaissancewoman101]

How does one get to that point of not just caring? I've never been able to do that, unless I meet someone new.

[rapunzel]

I agree with you Ren. I seem to care until I meet someone new as well. I don't have the answers except I try to stay busy, meet other people and practice positive affirmations about myself and my life to keep my confidence level and general contentment level high.

 

Sometimes "acting as if" you don't care eventually sinks into your consciousness and after a period of time, you realize that you really do not care. However, this can take a long time...I have to act as if I don't care otherwise I'd be completely transparent around my ex and I have to see him frequently. It is REALLY, really hard and I'd much rather have No Contact. I don't want to quit the situation I'm in because of him but I know my mental health would improve if I didn't have to see him. Such a conundrum. :sad:

[AngryHeart]

Interesting post. I wish you the best of luck in your future. I think I am very co-dependant, it sucks. My main focus on life is a relationship, being loved and acceped, etc. by a man. And I'm only (nearly) 20, lol. A lot of shrinks would probably say, it's because I don't have a relationship with my dad, maybe they're right I don't know. But it's a pain in the * * * * to keep thinking about...relationships, love, men, I should be concentrating on other things as well as, at my age. I'm trying to get a job and more friends, and a life basicaly, to get my mind of it. So I guess I too am taking those steps But letting go off my ex, is still proving really hard, and it's not like in reality he is a great catch.

[deang]

bump for good post on how to have more successful relationships.

[emmie24]

I ALSO just finished reading that book! I was SHOCKED. She was describing my actions and interactions to a t! The only thing I didn't like about the book is that it focuses on people involved with alcoholics, which is only one kind of codependent.

 

In my case, I overfocused, overanalyzed, and over worried myself right into fleeing a 3 1/2 year relationship, and an impending marriage!

 

It sounds like you've done A LOT of work on yourself. Congratulations!

 

It was only after I left the relationship (that I had used 100 percent of my brain and thoughts on) that I started having problems in all of my relationships with friends and family....giving giving giving and then FLIPPING out with resentment over crazy things...that I realized that the problem might lie WITHIN ME.

 

I also am speaking with my ex. It's weird to change up the dynamics, huh? I think it's ok to show you care though, just not in place where you're somehow incorporating yourself and your emotional health with theirs.

[5364]

I don't know. I don't like the idea of being cocky, and brushing everything off. I mean, yeah its nice to take everything lightly, and to not make a big deal out of everything, but I think being cocky and brushing everything off is a bad trait to acquire.

[deang]

I think you are confusing not letting things bother you with not caring. Imagine you are the president you need to be confident and not let things bother you in an emergency. What if the president let things bother him when he was addressing the country...there would be panic in the streets.

[CrapAtNC]

Good analogy, deang. We still care about them and ourselves, we just don't let that caring affect our behaviour in a way that smothers them or makes us have less respect for our own happiness.

 

Nice bump! I actually got my ex back (perhaps temporarily; perhaps not) by sticking to this new way of letting things go and not being affected by the small stuff (or even the big stuff), and it really made us both happier.

 

I never react badly to anything she does or says now, and, if you think about it, the fear of that kind of drama is a major factor in their not wanting to get back with us; show that you are more than fine, that you won't overreact, that you can take it or leave it, and you take away their fear of hurting you again, their fear of more overly emotional situations, and their guilt at having hurt you. Basically, you clear the past, push the water under the bridge, so they can dive back into a more refreshing scenario.

 

Good luck all!

 

 

Crap

[CrapAtNC]

Well, she came back, and I stupidly started showing how much I care ... so she left again. ](*,)

 

Oh, well ... nonchalance reigns supreme once again ...

[eVertigo]

Thanks for this thread, CrapAtNC. It's giving me the strength I need to keep me from talking to my X about the relationship and pushing things too much.

 

I had decided to start practicing 'detachment' to help me with my anger issues, and it's pretty much the same strategy you're advocating here.

[CrapAtNC]

Please, you can call me Crap.

[WlknCntrdiction]

I'm starting to enjoy just being single and not having a care in the world andn ot trying to seek others approval. I started up Parkour about a month after my ex broke up with me and since then I've found purpose in my life, doing something I greatly enjoy. I have bailed and bruised myself many a time getting to be how good I am now, just yesterday I bailed through lack of confidence in performing a certain technique, rather than be embarrassed like I used to be I just brushed myself off, got up and did it the second time around, my resolve even stronger than before.

 

Something I never would have thought of doing I did yesterday too, I did my training topless. I'm by no means have a gods body, my six pack is showing through partially but I still have a bit of fat over it stopping it from being as defined as I hope, but I know I'll get rid of it if I continue the lifestyle I have at the moment. I felt liberated without my shirt and even though I got my fair share of awkward glances as I was walking around I also got quite a few girls checking me out which made me feel good

 

It also comes into play in clubs when I'm dancing, since the break up I've just become alot more confident with myself and who I am, I am a prize and no one else can tell me otherwise or bring me down.