Nonchalance is Your Friend

[kim1]

just joke around about it and brush it off when she speaks to you about it. Maybe you say yes I was looking at your phone because it rang so I answered it and yes I saw the call log just at the same moment you walked in. Say something like sorry I didn't have my eyes closed the whole time and why does she have such a complex about her phone. She did give you her phone to hold so what are you supposed to do... close your eyes and not see the phone. Tell her you tried to close your eyes but they just opened. I would give her some attitude back in a teasing playful way. I would totally brush it off ... the phone rang you picked it up and you were seeing who it was. Big deal!! Don't worry you got a little power back by joking with her about it today make her think you are not bothered by her silent treatment. You need to continue that and if you did see anything on her phone take the attitude of so what! and move on then she will say uh oh where did he go

[Halflife]

Thanks guys, she even held my hand recently even though we are trying to be just friends.

 

So the advice is to basically let her do whatever affectionate actions she wants but never initiate them or show too much appreciation to them...

 

I had to ask because I was worried that by accepting her affection, I look like I haven't moved on from having romantic feelings about her.

[BeDour]

Thanks guys, she even held my hand recently even though we are trying to be just friends.

 

So the advice is to basically let her do whatever affectionate actions she wants but never initiate them or show too much appreciation to them...

 

I had to ask because I was worried that by accepting her affection, I look like I haven't moved on from having romantic feelings about her.

 

I wouldn't say don't show appreciation...just don't show ROMANTIC appreciation yet. Let her make that leap. Until then if she holds hands or something just roll with it and stay friendly.

[Live-N-Learn]

Kim and other advisors,

 

What if she does not reach out to me again? Do I stay silent and for how long before texting her again if I have hear nothing?

 

I think she is really pissed she has never spoken to me like she did in that text. Hoestly I was pretty buzzed last night and am not sure if it was her phone that buzzed in my pocket or mine. When I pulled it out there was nothing there but the call log. Must have hit it when took it out olf my pocket, or it went there cuz of missed call not sure.

 

Anyways if there wsa no call she would not have a missed call and may think even more I was lying but I'm not! Could have been a text too.

 

If I am to send something I should not mention it right? Just keep joking with her and hope for a response. I'm really not feeling good about this one I think she is cutting me off without a talk. The so called crime that really dudnt happen doesn't fit the punishment IMO

[KateUK]

Just play it by ear and think positive.... take it day by day, don't set yourself a deadline. If you contact her and she is still pissed, you will just piss her off even more so let her come to you. You tried to explain yourself and she didn't listen so you have done all you can.

[kim1]

ok so even if you looked at her phone when you felt something buzz you only saw the call log. I don't know if you should say ok well I saw your call log sue me or something like that and brush it off. You may need Crap to help with this one. Why did she give you her phone to hold if you may accidently glance down and see a missed call from somebody. I mean it is kind of hard not to look at it at all! Just stay silent for now try to relax maybe workout a lot.

 

If she doesn't reach out to you again then just go back to being nonchalant and not caring either way. I think there has to be a way to somehow turn this around on her but crap is better at what to say. Since she is not talking now just give her all the space she wants for a while. Try to increase your attraction. I know its hard because you worked hard to get to this point with her. But just keep going with the plan.

[Live-N-Learn]

OK I will stay silent if that's best and try not to think about it so much. Just want to be prepared if she calls or texts.

 

She gave me her phone cuz she wanted me to hold it for a a few minutes while she danced. I went to the bathroom and she must have freaked out or something thinking where did he go? Can't imagine she was worried about me looking at her phone unless she has something to hide. Its a coed bathroom and she went in looking for me. I only had her phone for about 10 min. She prob thinks I ran to the bathroom to look at her phone.

 

Anyways if there was no missed call and it was a text or my phone that went off I need to know what to say. I'm just not sure which it was...kinda buzzed

 

I need help with a response PLEASE

[mr_zanon]

That's been in my mind. If there was nothing there, she wouldn't get mad at you. At least, I think that a sane person wouldn't. Maybe she's not mad because she thinks you were searching for something, she may have reacted that way because she is *afraid* that you may have seen something that she didn't want you to know.

 

Whatever, I'm usually wrong.

[Live-N-Learn]

Just play it by ear and think positive.... take it day by day, don't set yourself a deadline. If you contact her and she is still pissed, you will just piss her off even more so let her come to you. You tried to explain yourself and she didn't listen so you have done all you can.

 

I had a weak moment just now. Urrrrrr.... I was online on FB and she came online. I could not stop myself. I sent her a chat and said.

 

Hey there, I just got to my hotel room. I thought I would reach out to you because I like being ignored LOL how you doin?

 

She did not respond back. I think what I said was OK I just knew she would see me online and I did not want to ignore her. I guess I should have. So I guess it is full on NC for me now. I need to get my power back...I do not want to look needy and like I am begging for her attention. I don't think anything I have said sounds needy but if I reach out anymore it will look like weakness and too much caring. ](*,)

 

I am starting to get upset that she is being so childish and over reacting. She must really think I am lying. I have never had her respond like this to me.

[Kevo]

That's been in my mind. If there was nothing there, she wouldn't get mad at you. At least, I think that a sane person wouldn't. Maybe she's not mad because she thinks you were searching for something, she may have reacted that way because she is *afraid* that you may have seen something that she didn't want you to know.

 

Whatever, I'm usually wrong.

 

It's just not healthy to think like that. Whether there is or there isn't, it doesn't matter. Dwelling on that and letting it get to you won't make you heal, it won't make you a better person, it won't make her more attracted to you... it won't make anyone else more attracted to you either. There is absolutely no benefit to entertain thoughts like that. So don't. Easier said than done, I know. I've been there too. I'll even say that my assumptions were right sometimes, but sometimes they were unfounded.

[Kevo]

Just let her cool down and contact you. Go NC for now. She overreacted, stop worrying about it and move on. This is a temporary thing.

[okane24]

Live n Learn,

 

Doesn't it suck that all we're guilty of is loving our girls too much. I feel your pain bro. I'm on Day 1 or 2 of NC. I haven't slept for the last 24 hours, so I don't even know...

 

You're not alone on this one. I have also picked up my (ex)...damn... girlfriends phone and she caught me looking at it.

 

I'll be honest, I was checking to see if there was a random guy she was texting or calling her. It was my insecurity. She was the prettiest girl I've even been with, so I was more insecure than normal. That was my fault.

 

So your girl might just be stressin out over the trust issue regarding the phone. She might think you don't trust her or are insecure, neither of which are good. Even though, you didn't look at it, it's her perception of what happened that matters.

 

I don't know bro, NC would probably be the best way to go, but I would look to Crap and the others to give you sound advice. All I can tell you is that I've been there and can feel your pain.

 

For FB, its not good either. I deleted my acct, then reactivated because I was curious as to see if she'd block me or not. I don't know. FB isn't really good if we are trying to move on.

 

Anyhow, be strong and think clearly bro. That's all I can tell you. We need it right now.

 

As for my girl, I WANT TO CALL HER SOOOO BAD! I am hoping that she'll tell me she made a mistake. That she really does love me and she'll do what it takes to try... But that's all a dream. She checked out long ago. I keep trying to pretend I'm her and think what she's thinking...

 

My self esteem is pretty much junk right now. I see so many girls here in San Diego, but all I see is her. How she is prettier or nicer or smarter or...

 

I wanna call her and tell her everythings going to be alright. This is my message to her:

 

Honey, I love you. You know I'd do anything for you. I hope and pray one day things might be different. You and I will be different and may have a chance to be together again. If not, I pray for myself, that I can become stronger because of this. Become smarter, less needy. I wish I was ready to be the MAN you wanted. I can be. I'm always getting better. I love you honey. Good luck with school and getting your first job. I know you can do it. I want to help you if you want me too.

 

I won't call her and I won't send this. But I wanted to say it... for me.

 

Please, any encouraging thoughts or comments would be great right now. Thank you all...

[Kevo]

I'd love any nonchalant advice people could give on my situation. My breakup quickly became long-distance but I want to get back with her which would probably involve me moving.

 

My fiancee broke with me and one week later decided to move to Colorado. This wasn't premeditated, it was very much spontaneous (she freaked out). In the few weeks between her decision to move and actual move we hung out a lot, I stayed over and everything was perfect. She did a 180 and was talking about loving me and being with me, we're soul mates, and getting me out to CO (which we has talked about before). Long story short, I drove her out there and she broke down saying that she absolutely wants me out there with her and her bro who is out there even asked when I'll be moving out So basically, I'm back home hoping that she'll get her stuff together and give me the "real" invite that she wants me to come be with her.

 

Her last email to me ended with this, "Write me back when you get a chance I miss you awful. I'm getting really home sick already, but I think it's just missing you. I couldn't sleep last night thinking how far you are from me. I love you always, A"

 

How do I handle this nonchalantly? The way I see it is that she needs to make quite a commitment to say, "OK, I want you to quit your job and move here to be with me". Can nonchalance inspire that kind of action on the part of the other person or is something more needed?

[sadchick83]

Live n Learn,

 

I have seen many of your posts on this thread. First, regarding your latest issue, I would not care at all if a guy looked at my phone. I have never had anything to hide. And, I understand the mind can run wild from time to time, so I can understand the need to check. I would actually be flattered.

 

Second, I mean this in the nicest way, but you need to relax about everything regarding this girl. You know, last week I could not get ENA for about a day at work when the whole forum was doing some changes, and it prevented me from coming to the site for one day. I actually thought it was a well needed, healthy break. Analyzing every move is not healthy and is preventing you from any form of self healing.

 

Trust me, the phone thing was no big deal.

[kim1]

I agree with sadchick. It is not that big a deal. I like what you said on fb that was kind of funny.

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah, I am starting to think that she is using this as an excuse to end things with me. She hung out with Casey the bartender from the club on Wed night. She told me about it and said he had a girlfriend. Then they went out again Friday night, she was out all night. Well he just posted on his wall that he and his girlfriend broke up and he changed his status to singe. I am starting to think that she over reacted cuz she was worried I would see text between them. I could be wrong but my gut tells me I'm right. I know it does me no good to think about this but it makes sense now why she changed our plans for Saturday and basically canceled our date to just hang out like friends with Jesse. I bet she is interested in him, I am pretty sure he is in her. This sucks... I will just have to stay NC now and move on. I just hate the thought of "what if" I would not have had her phone...what would have happened between us. Maybe just more mixed signals, games and pain. Who knows. I am soooo nonchalant right now! lol At least this time I am not going to beg, grovel and chase her. Today is all she gets...I deserve a response back from my texts

 

What really bothers me is all the mixed signals she's been giving me. Well until the phone thing last night lol

[PaleSeptember]

This sucks... I will just have to stay NC now and move on. I just hate the thought of "what if" I would not have had her phone...what would have happened between us.

 

If it's what you think with this other guy, it would have happened regardless of the phone incident.

[PaleSeptember]

How about 'For the sake of dragging my birthday out for as long as possible, how about you make me dinner on x night instead? ;-)' or something like that?

 

Haha good one. I'm going to have to read through this thread before seeing him. When talking about certain things I noticed I kind of drag it on longer than I should, or that I seem to ask a lot of questions that make me seem prying (instead of letting someone naturally open up about their thoughts or leading them to it).

[Kevo]

If it's what you think with this other guy, it would have happened regardless of the phone incident.

 

Agreed, don't even think about that phone incident for another second. Sounds like you're doing good getting your head around moving on! Best of luck!!!

[CrapAtNC]

Live-N-Learn, it sucks, accept it, and then nonchalant out, dude!

 

Don't make me revoke your membership. When you're on it, you're a nonchalant star. The solution to all the you're feeling right now, all that you're wondering, and to whether you end up in the greatest relationship possible--with this girl or another--is to be nonchalant. If you get stuck down a dead-end, are you going to keep it in first gear, or are you going to switch to reverse?

 

What would Superman do?

[The_Seeker]

Live-N-Learn, it sucks, accept it, and then nonchalant out, dude!

 

Don't make me revoke your membership. When you're on it, you're a nonchalant star. The solution to all the you're feeling right now, all that you're wondering, and to whether you end up in the greatest relationship possible--with this girl or another--is to be nonchalant. If you get stuck down a dead-end, are you going to keep it in first gear, or are you going to switch to reverse?

 

What would Superman do?

 

Easy, find a different girl besides Lana.

 

Hahaha! I guess that's what I'm going to do after my first two weeks of October sadness is over. I'll start flirting and being nonchalant at the same time.

[BeDour]

What the hell...

 

So aaall day my ex and I have been texting and being extremely friendly. Then we chatted on fb for like 2 hours. Again flirty...so she gets off and texts me and says she's in bed, so I called her up. She immidiately got weird. The convo was short. When we hung up she texted me and said "sorry I was weird I just don't know if we should be talking on the phone at night and all that". I was like "its just a phone call it won't bite" and she responds with "you know what I mean. Phone calls before bed are a clear indicator of a relationship and I'm not doin it ha". So I respond with "i was just saying hey geez..." And she texts me back with "no worries I just don't want it to be a habit". So I tried to stay cool and said "nah I wouldn't push the pace. Its all good ill let you get some sleep. Sweet dreams" and she just texted "sweet dreams" back.

 

This was just kind of a let down...maybe I jumped the gun. It bugs me though because I know she's talked to this other guy friend of hers on skype at like 11pm. I don't know how often, but its been done. Is this a bad sign for me?

[just not sure]

so i hung out with the ex for 9 hours today after exchanging about 30 texts. very nonchalant. found a condom in the trash can. made me sad, but i know she's dating this guy and i'm smart enough to put 2&2 together. didn't really bother me otherwise. we had fun, she laughed, etc.

 

my biggest problem is that i have no one to speak to her on my behalf so every time we talk, my part of the conversation inevitably drifts to the relationship because i'm confused and i just feel like i need to make sure she knows exactly how i feel because there's no one else to say it. also, i feel like one of the biggest problems in our relationship was communication. we never really talked about how we felt, so i've been trying to do that with her. there's things about my past i never really told anyone, or things that kind of explain the way i acted in some ways but i never really explained to her so i've been trying to do that. she hangs out with a group of new people (who she says she is drifting away from) and they are also friends with this new guy, so no matter what i do they're never going to tell her to stop seeing this guy to get back with me.

 

what confuses me is that i've made tons of changes in my life since our breakup a month ago, and she sees it but she just doesn't really believe it'll stick which i can understand. the problem is that she does sort of seem to be stringing me along a little bit. for example, she said 60% of the problem in our relationship was my attitude as far as being lazy towards the relationship and 40% was my lack of a job and just being in a financially precarious position. however, i truly would never be able to be so ignorant and blind toward her again because i really couldn't bear to have her back and then screw it up again. as far as the other 40% goes, i have a good job now, have money in the bank, settled on a career choice, just paid the deposit on my new apartment, and paid and re-registered for school, etc.

 

basically, i'm just not seeing the issue. i'm sure it's just me being impatient because that's a big flaw of mine. i know it's hard to believe a person could really make big changes like these in their lives after only a month, but losing her was a big wake up call for me because i know she really loved me. i feel like she still does but she doesn't think she can be with me because i haven't had my act together. she told me "i'm going to be with whoever i feel is best for me. right now, it's him. if in a few months or whatever i see changes in you and i feel like you're best for me, then i'll be with you." there's just so many moving parts here. we've hung out quite a bit lately, and i know if i'd been dating a girl for a month and she was hanging out with her ex as frequently as we do, i'd have a big problem with it. i don't know. i just don't think i could handle being friendzoned, yet i still really like hanging out the way we are right now. wat do?

[Mark33]

Usually it is because our very big egos that we always take turns at who wants the other one.

 

For first 6 months, only my gf wanted me, and I was cold.

 

Then I started to want her also, but she changed and she said that she was waiting too much, etc.

 

Now after 4 more months (no meetings in the meantime) I want to tell her that

we have to somehow overcome this "I want you only when you don't want me"

 

How can I tell her this in a nonchalant way, but very effective also so she understands and wakes up?

 

thanks

[CrapAtNC]

If I were you I'd go the confession route. "OK, I looked at your phone. I shouldn't have, and it'll never happen again. I accept my punishment but throw myself at the mercy of the court. It is my first offense, your honour (and I really didn't see anything anyway). Yours, Mr Guilty."

 

 

 

It all sounds pretty good to me, but of course prepare for the worst. Do you want to go out there to be with her?

 

 

 

Forget the other guy. They treat us differently because they have stronger feelings for us.

 

Take it sloooooooooowly. Patience shows you're confident.

 

 

 

Mate, this is the LEAST nonchalant post on this thread! You've got to let it all go. Accept and move on. That's attractive. ;-)

 

 

 

You really need to work on yourself first.