Nonchalance is Your Friend

[bungalo]

Yes, you're very much on target. Practice by watching soaps or movies and thinking up your own nonchalant responses to any lines that could be taken as being argumentative, insulting, hurtful, etc.

 

It's actually kind of cool she wasn't there, as--well--you can't possibly do anything wrong if they're not around. Win!

 

My ex texted me twice from work today, once to ask me to go earlier than usual because she's missing me. Then she waited to leave with me. Then she called me when my car wasn't immediately behind hers as she parked outside our buildings. Jeez. She's so NEEDY!

 

Hey Crap

 

It's cool when they are the NEEDY ONES! I still want to push this NC into the month of October. What do you think a good opening reconnect move would be? Also, the fact that she hasn't initiated at all...is that something I should be concered about? The last time we spoke..she said, we can talk later....I caught her on her way out the door (yeah, she's a master of nonchalance) That's when I started hard-core NC. Any thoughts?

[paradoxical]

alright so im into my third week of nc.

excluding the time the ex msn-ed me 'happy birthday' like 4 days ago.

just found out from a mutual friend that he feels that i dont bother initiating contact anymore and that i never tell him whats going on in my life.

(not like he even bothers telling me about his own life anyway -.- and i honestly dont care much??)

and he wanted to go meet me and my mutual friend today!! he almost came but backed off in the end

i was pretty nonchalant about him coming to meet, having the 'if he comes then great if not it doesnt really matter anyway' atttude because i knew that if my friend knew that i still care about him a lot and really want him to come she would tell him not to come.

actually he keeps wanting to see me but EVERYONE tells him not to!!!! hehehe actually im dying to see him.. but i guess not now... i just remembered im not mentally prepared for it

should i keep up w nonchalance? or do you think i should be the one to break the silence 1st because im quite sick of this waiting game.. where both of us want to talk to each other but waiting for the other party to strike up the conversation 1st

[CrapAtNC]

Great that you guys laugh and joke--that's a BIG plus for you!

 

Go ahead and say "Hi" (the perfect opener, by the way). Just keep it simple, to the point, and leaderly; that is, tell her what you're doing and perhaps she should join you (that sounded really manly sexy to me, and I'm the one who typed it!). Something like: "Hey, I'm going to Blah Blah's after work on Wednesday. Join me. We can catch up over a coffee/burger/meal/whatever. Just let me know before Tuesday. Have a beautiful week." Or "Hi. Blah Blah's does a great lettuce shake. I think you'd love it. Let's grab one this Wednesday."

 

Go for it!

 

 

 

You will! I post here because it's a great way to use my codependency positively. I NEED you guys to need me!

 

I read that book and also had therapy, and I couldn't even spell nonchalance back in those days. Now it's easy for me (being it, I mean; the spelling still gets me at times).

 

You'll be fine. Your ex will be fine. Everything will be fine. It always is. ;-)

[Live-N-Learn]

Crap,

 

there is nothing I can really do about it now. I believe it is over and am not going to reach out to her again. I have been very patient with her and have put up with a lot. In some ways this is a relief. If she can throw it all away over this then so be it. Jesse did not even bring his date out. She chose to bring Jesse out and not have a date with me after all she said on Friday. That says something for where we were at. I was dancing with another girl last night before this happened and she said she should try to score that! Not cool. Yes it hurts and it seems I handled the whole night wrong. I should have just made other plans. As for her phone, no I did not look on purpose it went off in my pocket and I looked at it. It's a touch pad and when I pulled it out it went to her phone log. I was looking at the log when she walked in cuz it popped up. O well time to move on.

 

I don't feel bad and don't really care anymore. I deserve to be treated better than this. I think she was just looking for an excuse to end and just be friends without telling me. I guess I made it easy on her. In my opinion she way overreacted.

[The_Seeker]

Keep going nonchalant. ;]

[The_Seeker]

Crap,

 

there is nothing I can really do about it now. I believe it is over and am not going to reach out to her again. Yes it hurts and it seems I handled the whole night wrong. I should have just made other plans. As for her phone, no I did not look on purpose it went off in my pocket and I looked at it. It's a touch pad and when I pulled it out it went to her phone log. I was looking at the log when she walked in cuz it popped up. O well time to move on.

 

Don't give up. It is not over, until it's really over.

 

Instead of waiting for her, like you said create your own plans and stick to them. If she comes up with a plan, do not drop everything you were going to do. Tell her next time. That way she'll make plans earlier for you.

 

She has an iPhone. -_- Lucky duck.

[paradoxical]

ahahaha yes nonchalance it is.

after all i still mantain the fact that if he wanted to talk to me he would.

wow but if this goes on then eventually one day we will have to meet, what should i do when that day comes?

[J-L-T]

You did GREAT! Seriously good job! I bet you feel happy.

 

Now sit back and wait. The fun convo will be playing on his mind. You are now going FORWARDS. Do NOT reverse everything by needily texting him again. He will come to you. Watch. ;-)

 

Thank you. And thank you for suggesting the text. It made ME laugh while, and after I sent it. I can just imagine him being like "Hmmm...that's unlike her" and trying to work it out. He said he didn't know how to take it, lol. Do you think his replies to me were positive? I really hope he comes to me now! What do you think about sending a friend request on Facebook? I'm debating sending him one sometime, considering he unblocked me. But not so sure?

 

I also wanna say, you seem very funny and attractive to me. Your ex must be getting HOT over you again. ;-)

[paulod]

Crap,

Sir, you are as cunning a fox!! I like your style!!

Hell, yeah I should go for it, nothing to lose by mailing her, it’s not as if she’s gonna break up with me again is it

 

Weird thing is, even at the start of the break up and before when things were bad we always laughed and joked with each other??

 

I have an idea, how about this as a mail

Hi H,

How’s you??

Getting my tattoo finished off this Thursday (she’s really into tatt’s) want you to see it finished, how about we catch up over a coffee next week as I’m in on day shift.

Hope you have a lovely week.

 

Paulo

 

 

send it and then get on with my day

 

P

[Live-N-Learn]

So Crap, you say take the lead...what does that mean exactly? I feel like just giving up and throwing in the towel. I have learned a lot about nonchalance but I don't believe she will reach out to me again. Are you saying I should reach out to her still?

[Live-N-Learn]

Ok so I am trying to get back to nonchalace and recover. Here is what I just sent here we will see what happens

 

Hey girly. Supreman can save the world so I sure he can fix a misundrestanding between us. So get that kryptonite out of your hand and give me a call

[The_Seeker]

Ok so I am trying to get back to nonchalace and recover. Here is what I just sent here we will see what happens

 

Hey girly. Supreman can save the world so I sure he can fix a misundrestanding between us. So get that kryptonite out of your hand and give me a call

 

LOL How cheesy! I like it.

[BeDour]

It seems I have a test of my nonchalance attitude coming up...Last night we talked on facebook chat for hours and it was really great. We were a little flirty and just had a really fun convo. She then calls me early this morning just to talk and say hey (she hasn't done this in a while). During the convo she mentions that in a few weeks she might go visit another one of her friends at college (a guy friend). Now...she is one of those girls that has a lot of guy friends. In fact most of her close friends are guys.

 

This particular guy is someone she went to high school with so she's known him for a while. But I still suspect something may be up. They've talked on skype a few times, and up until we broke up, they were never really close. What should I do about this? She just got back from visiting a different guy friend, and I was completely fine with that (it was her best friend and they're honestly just friends, he has a girlfriend...plus they've known each other since they were like 10). So I feel like if I were to say something about this one, I'd be out of line...

[The_Seeker]

LOL I hope you're talking about me because I do have a lot of guy friends, too.

 

If I were you, I just pretend to ignore it and that it doesn't bug me. If you show her it does, she'll be like "Omg my ex is so clingy."

[okane24]

I haven't slept all night. I keep thinking about her and what the heck happened. Just when I thought it was turning for the better, she drops the break up on me.

 

I feel like a zombie right now and every so often I cry like a big wimp. I don't care though. I have nothing to hide.

 

I loved this girl with all my heart so Im not really embarrassed about anything right now. Nothing hurts more than losing her....

 

It hurts sooo bad. I thought we could make it. We could break the statistic of LDR's that work. I was willing to try. I was doing it. It was her that gave up on us.

 

I'm so afraid of her being out of my life. I blame her for not loving me....

 

I am so tired now. I am just rambling. I'm watching a video of us on my camera.

 

I handled the break up call pretty well i think. I said I didn't want to, but I had to respect her wishes. I asked her not to contact me and she understood.

 

I told her I loved her numerous times and she said it hurt for her to hear that and to not say it. She also said she hasn't told me I love you in a while too. Shes right, she hasn't said it to me within the last few weeks, but by our conversations it felt like she still did.

 

How does someone fall out of love with someone. I don't think I did anything wrong except for the clingyness, but I sorta fixed that with NC and nonchalant. I thought we were stronger than that...

 

She kept saying that she can't marry me because I'm not Korean. I'm American. We are different cultures. She wants to marry a Korean guy...that she hasn't even met. She just wants no responsibility right now. She said she doesn't even love herself right now, how could she love me too... She just wants to be free......

 

After the call, I hung up first and just told her goodnight and I loved her. Then I texted her basically the same thing. She texted me back saying that when we meet again in the future she wants me to be with a girl who can love me like I deserve. She thanked me for loving her so much and told me goodbye.

 

I want to text her back right now but I won't. I'm so hurt right now its hard for me to think straight. I want to go see her in Korea and amend things and make it work... but that's not what she wants.

 

I really need to take care of me right now.

[The_Seeker]

I don't know about your situation and your relationship, I'll try my best to answer it. I'm Asian and I can see maybe where she is coming from.

 

I wonder if her parents' decision has to do with anything. How culturally diverse are you? Are you willing to try different food? Are you willing to carry her traditions? I think that's why she's questioning herself.

 

Stop telling her that you love her. I think she already knows that.

 

If I were you, I would just back off and take care of myself. Stop calling her and texting her. When she does, do not respond for a while.

 

I know what you are going through. My ex is American and I wonder if his parents' decision caused him to break the relationship due to marriage.

 

Parents' influence can cause a relationship to break. However, it's an individual choice.

[PaleSeptember]

Hey guys, my ex messaged me yesterday that he'd like to make me a birthday dinner after work the night of my birthday next week, and while I didn't directly say "Ok" I did insinuate that I accepted. I wasn't going to do anything that night anyway, as I get off work very late in the evenings (I'm celebrating it on a following day off with family instead). However, I don't feel comfortable spending the night of my actual birthday with him, but another night would feel better. What's a good nonchalant way of changing the night?

 

By the way, I didn't tell him I wasn't doing anything anyway, lol, I didn't tell him anything really about how I'm spending my birthday, just saying.

[KateUK]

How about 'For the sake of dragging my birthday out for as long as possible, how about you make me dinner on x night instead? ;-)' or something like that?

[Live-N-Learn]

I'm really sorry I am posting so much today but I am hurting and trying to be nobchalant but it is hard after last nights event. I know my emotions are all over the map and I prob sound like a phyco to many of you. I am trying to learn I promise

 

She has not called or text me back I doubt she will. She must really believe I was snooping in her phone and is not believing what I told her.

I can see why she might think this but I have never done anything to ever cause her to think I was lying. I thought our friendship was stronger than to allow this to be the end.

 

How do I proceed? I really have no idea what to say now or what to do if she doesn't reach out to me after my nobchalant text I sent her earlier.

 

Advice please

[Halflife]

When doing this technique, what do you do if your ex interlocks their arm around yours while walking? Do you resist and tell her that's not right or by doing that, are you looking like you care too much?

[KateUK]

Leave her to it.... you did nothing wrong and you shouldn't have to justify it. At the end of the day, it's her problem. Just focus on yourself - you can guarantee as soon as you get to that good place in yourself, she will think she has acted a bit rash and will get back and apologise. And you will accept gracefully and nonchalantly

 

This scenario is EASILY as likely as her never contacting you ever again - so focus on the positive. Sorry you are hurting, chicken, but it doesn't do any good to worry x

[The_Seeker]

When doing this technique, what do you do if your ex interlocks their arm around yours while walking? Do you resist and tell her that's not right or by doing that, are you looking like you care too much?

 

That's weird your ex is interlocking her arm with yours.

 

If I were you, I would just pull back and just ignore that it never happen. And keep walking with her.

 

It doesn't show that you care too much about her. This should raise her interest.

[KateUK]

When doing this technique, what do you do if your ex interlocks their arm around yours while walking? Do you resist and tell her that's not right or by doing that, are you looking like you care too much?

 

I would nonchalantly say something along the lines of 'hey, did you reserve that arm space?' or ' i don't know, any excuse to cop a feel of my guns'. I am sure others will have more witty lines!! If you say its not right, then you will be making an issue out of it. NOT nonchalant.

[BeDour]

When doing this technique, what do you do if your ex interlocks their arm around yours while walking? Do you resist and tell her that's not right or by doing that, are you looking like you care too much?

 

I would say let it happen, but keep it light and joking still. When she does that, don't get all close and romantic. Laugh and act like you're just having a good time. If you pull away or tell her that's not right, obviously you're caring and not being nonchalant.

[J-L-T]

My ex said he wanted to talk about something. I asked him what, and been waiting ages for him to reply now.