Nonchalance is Your Friend

[CrapAtNC]

Yes, it's possible she may be interested in someone else. We'd be mad to think that we're the ONLY attractive people in the world. Don't forget, ANYONE can buy superhero undies and put them on. But she is allowed to do this, and, to be honest, the biggest prizes are coveted by many. You want this girl because she's special, and it's hard to keep special hidden or confined.

 

Reframe this. Maybe she feels you two are likely to get back together and is having a final fling. Maybe. Just reframing here. Maybe she just partied all night and nothing bad happened at all (I can't tell you the number of times my suspicions have proven incorrect; I actually don't go with my hunches any more where relationships are involved, because so many times I've reacted to what I thought was happening only to discover the complete opposite).

 

If you want her, you have to consider her a woman worth making an effort for, be it effort in working on yourself, fighting for, forgiving, etc. But I also think you need to forget that she was once yours. If she was a girl you had only recently got to know, you would have no right to judge what she is up to and would never attract her if you didn't accept it as the way of the world, that attractive people are in demand. With exes, we tend to inject some feelings of debt to us, or ownership, of distrust--all the things that would blow it for you if you were embarking on a new relationship.

 

Stay on course. Last night is something you can talk about once you have your foot in the door. If you feel that she wants to date several guys at the same time and that's not for you, then--looking on the positive side here--you would have the perfect opportunity to put on your James Bond composure, explain calmly and confidently that such a set-up is not for you, wish her all the best, kiss her on the forehead, and go off the radar. That alone, considering your progress so far, should be enough to make her realize once and for all what she wants. If you do it with composure.

 

Hang in there, mate. I see you switch from fear to relief so much it's like watching a roller-coaster. Your goal tonight is to have fun and prove that you are upbeat, confident (not arrogant), considerate, and calm--all the things that will have any woman drawn to you. So keep that composure no matter what.

 

 

 

Apologies! I get so caught up that I often forget to check genders. You have very pretty typing skills, for what it's worth.

 

 

 

Great apology! I'm not into apologies, but you kept that part very brief and actually just made it part of a very funny line. I laughed, and I'm a vegan!

 

She wants you. She just wants to give you the impression she's only sticking around for your sake. I would drop all serious convos right now and work on building your attraction level. Be nonchalant at all times, exercise more than normal, sleep well, contact her less, and start dating others. I would be calling her bluff right now if I were (a nonchalant) you.

 

 

 

I think you did great! And you are so right to ignore any comments like the "I'm done" one from her. Consider why these things are said rather than dealing with the content.

 

I do think you need to find a way to break this pattern you guys are in. It will get dull after a while otherwise. Together, apart, together, apart. You need to change something, and the only thing you can change the way you want is yourself. Be a better, more confident, less needy you, and I think you will have a very bright future relationship.

 

 

 

Whoa! Who's this nonchalance master writing okane24's posts now?! The change is remarkable, and a joy to see! (Be honest: Is KateUK your scriptwriter now? ;-) )

 

I LOVE this new attitude of yours. And, for sure, if your work has you traveling to her country, then that raises the possibility of future happiness greatly.

 

I like the way you're thinking now, okane24. It's such a refreshing turnaround. And it's attractive! This is how you should approach all your relationships, life, work, everything.

 

I'm feeling MUCH better about your situation now.

 

 

 

I don't think she would sleep with a guy and then suggest such in a text to you--no one would do that. Think about it. She would, however, want the city's new greatest catch to see that he could lose her if he doesn't sweep her off her feet soon. This is the way you HAVE to look at it. And it makes perfect sense.

 

Stay on track. Be a wuss here but not to her. Better, be nonchalant here and even more so to her.

 

And maybe upgrade to Hulk boxers?

 

OK, my turn. I've not enjoyed so much positive attention from my ex in all the time I've known her. She needs to be around me at every opportunity, it seems. Last night, she came over for a massage. I turned my bedroom into a Balinese-style spa, with soft blankets, lots of pillows, mellow music, candles, lavender massage oil, red wine . . . she melted. Did the full body massage but never tried anything else. The compliments oozed from her mouth with every touch. I know I'll get a call when she wakes up too.

 

The thing is, I really don't want to be with her right now. I don't think either of us is ready, plus, I still find her attitude towards relationships extremely unattractive, and I told her so at breakfast yesterday. She kept crying when talking to me yesterday, and desperately wants to try relationship counseling, which I've already set up for her. She really is a beautiful, kind, ambitious, fun woman, and I'm really happy that she listened to me and realizes that she should be in much healthier relationships than she has.

 

The fact that I want nothing from her now and am actually enjoying other distractions is making me feel much better about everything (and anything that happens)--and drawing her to me more. Very, very clearly.

 

Remain nonchalant, all!

 

 

Crap

[The_Seeker]

 

 

 

Apologies! I get so caught up that I often forget to check genders. You have very pretty typing skills, for what it's worth.

 

 

Crap

 

Aren't you quite a charmer? LOL

 

Crap, how long did it take your ex to contact you? My ex and I haven't contact each other 2 months, now going on almost 3. I told him not to contact me and strictly went NC. I didn't give any reason at all because I think he knows what the reasons are anyway and also I want to him to see how his freedom life is like without me being part of it. I'm just curious as to how long.

 

The beginning of October is going to be a horrible month. Thank God for Friday the 13th and going out on the weekend to a club.

[BeDour]

I think you did great! And you are so right to ignore any comments like the "I'm done" one from her. Consider why these things are said rather than dealing with the content.

 

I do think you need to find a way to break this pattern you guys are in. It will get dull after a while otherwise. Together, apart, together, apart. You need to change something, and the only thing you can change the way you want is yourself. Be a better, more confident, less needy you, and I think you will have a very bright future relationship.

 

I'm going to break this pattern for sure if I can get her back. As for her saying things like "I'm done", do you think it's just her way of keeping me on my toes and is sort of a defense? And what should my plan of action be? The more we're in each others physical presence, the better we are, so I'd like to see her as much as possible. But the more we go without seeing each other the more awkward things seem to get. She even admits to this pattern, and admits to having trouble resisting her urges to be flirty with me when we're physically hanging out. Like when things were weird all last week, we hadn't seen each other for a while and she went away for two days. But ever since we've decided to meet up for lunch this Tuesday, things have been going much better and even trailed into a little flirting briefly. So it's almost as if the prospect of meeting up gets us back into our old groove. I don't want to appear needy, but I want to see her as much as possible...any advice?

 

Crap, you should write a book.

[CrapAtNC]

Crap, how long did it take your ex to contact you?

 

When I really went NC and even left the country, she called me (overseas, on Valentine's Day) after about three weeks. But then I didn't tell her not to call me; I just told her I was going away.

[Live-N-Learn]

Things are not going as planned she text back and asked what the plan was cuz jesse is coming out to and meeting a girl there. I said we can go eat and then meet them at the club then back to my place to dance.

 

She said jesse is riding with me to the club. I said is he coming back to dance qith us? Jokingly then said I thouhgt we had a date. She said I forgot I told jesse we would hang out tonight and he always rides witg me. I said he can drive himself since he is mrting a girl at the club anyways. Glshe just ignored what I said. Wow this doea not make me feel good at all.

 

She did not say sorry or try to reset. So I sid ok I guess iya group date night. Her and I ate and now she is on her way to get jesse. She asked if I wanted to follow her and I said I would just meet her at the club. Sge just text me missed your face!

 

So I willl try to play it cool I almost told her forget it and not even come out. Should I leave early from the club? Not sure what to do now

[mr_zanon]

Not sure what to do now

Go out and have fun. Nothing affects you, right?

[Live-N-Learn]

Im home now but things did not end well. I was cool all night talking to other girls and having fun, Everything was fine until she asked me to hold her phone. something bussed in my pocket and I did not know if it was her phone or mine I grabbed it and it was hers. I looked at it and right then she walked in and said what the hell your looking though my phone! I said no something buzzed in my ass and I grabbed it that;s it, Well it was not goof from there and I said goodbye and left the club. Doubt I will ever hear from her again now that she thinks I was sneaking through her phone in the bathroom.

[okane24]

Day 1 - NC

 

She broke up with me an hour ago.

 

Someone's tagline - "A moment, a moment changes everything."

[Mark33]

Are you in touch with her now?

 

Then, when you've got yourself to a better place, you can make contact. Bring it up at the right time, but don't make too much of it: "You probably didn't know because I kept it to myself, but I was suffering from depression back then. Hope I can tell you that without making you feel bad--I know I was pretty unhappy when I found out!

 

I know that this frame that I set up (replying her messages after a long time... 4-5 days usually) now she follows it also, and she answers the same, after 4-5 days and actually she tells nothing in her messages just something along the lines of "I am happy, how are you?"

 

How can I speed up the frame of how often are exchanged the messages,

in a way that I don't appear needy at all?

 

She sent very mixed signals, first time when I didn't answer for 5 days, she wrote me at 1 am quite desperate "How are you, where are you?" and that she wanted to keep in touch in me.

 

But then she instantly gets well and assured when I write back to her...

 

How can I convince her to write more often... by being nonchalant and attractive about it?

 

Thank you very much

[Strife]

So things have taken a turn of late...my housemate and I suspect that she went out a couple of days ago with the guy she initially 'sorta' broke up with me for. I suspect it was because I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted, as she disappeared out the house very quickly - her explanation only that she was 'popping out'.

On top of this is that I found out that she was at the very least hanging out with her ex a lot during our break from university.

Regardless, I've played it cool, I haven't asked her where she went the other night/ who she was with etc...I've been rather busy this week with work/hanging out with friends so at least it shows her that I'm independent of her, and that I have my own life...just wondering how I can maybe have her chase me a bit more.

That being all said, I'm proud of myself for remaing cool, and not acting how I once would have, as demonstrated so clearly when a couple of days ago, she attempted to have an argument in front of my housemates with me' over my family, which I didn't rise to. I think she was testing to see if I would get angry, as I did the last time she said something negative about my family, so I think it defintatley caught her attention.

Nonchalance has definitely helped throughout all of this - and to be fair, I'm not bothered that she's been seeing her ex/new guy...I'm planning to definitely make an impact on some new girls at uni's freshers week, and just have a good time, and begin to properly show her that I've begun to move on, even if I don't necessarily feel like it. 'fake it till you make it'.

[Live-N-Learn]

See here is how it looks like it will end due to a stupid phone misunderstanding. She thinks I went through her phone while in the bathroom. I left the club right after this happened cuz we were both pissed cuz of the situation. We sent a couple of text:

 

Me. Something buzzed in my pocket so I checked it. That's it. Think what you want about me but your wrong.

 

Her. Why the fu.. would you go through my phone?! Thought we were better people than that? Really? I think that makes fn boundaries and you dug the fn ditch!

 

me. I did not go through your phone. It went off in my pocket and I grabbed the phone that was going off, thought it might be mine but it was yours. I did not read anything or go through any texts as you are accusing me of. Im not like that. I saw nothing, read nothing and wasn't snooping around. Believe what you want but it's not true. It just caught me off guard when one of the phones in my pocket went off. You came in the bathroom right when it happened. End of story.

 

What a way for us to end!!! Anyways, I am kinda relieved. I don't trust her anyways. She screwed me over for the date night tonight and this is probably for the best in the long run. No more games and trying to win back someone I don't trust. too bad though it is going to end like this.

[CrapAtNC]

OK, my fellow nonchalancists, before I respond individually, I just want to remind you all that since I TRULY took on an I-don't-care-what-happens-now attitude, my ex has pestered me nonstop, initiated all contact, got more physical than any time since the break-up, and started relationship counseling. The effect of TRULY not concerning oneself with the outcome of any event or interaction is, ironically, that it will go the best way you would have hoped had you not been so damned nonchalant.

 

Look at the stories above (some are your own). There is a CLEAR pattern: show nonchalance, and things start going your way; show neediness, worry, concern, interference, or any negative emotion, and your ex moves further away. If that was you, all is not lost. Every error or bad experience, if learned from, is a stepping stone to a place far better than the one we would be in had things plodded along just fine.

 

 

 

A wise man (me) once said: You control a situation by making YOUR thoughts the priority, not anyone else's. If you're asking questions about what they might be thinking and why they said or did this or that, then you simply aren't in the right place to do anything constructive with the answers you find, even if they are, in the most unlikely event, correct.

 

If things get awkward, nonchalantly lead them into a better state.

 

And you can of course see her (it's no coincidence that someone called CrapAtNC had to find another way to get oneself back), though I would strongly suggest doing it just a little less and turning down an invitation or two, if for no other reason than to see for yourself the POSITIVE effect it has on your relationship. Don't make your happiness dependent on her; that's an extremely uncomfortable responsibility to place on any person.

 

 

 

Pardon my direct question, but it's for your own good: Did you sneak a look? Be honest. (FWIW, I am guilty of said wuss move, though only with the original ex several years ago.)

 

All will be fine if you brush it off. Take the lead. It's not a big deal if you pay it no attention. Try admitting it if you want to kill the convo and move on. My original ex was LIVID when she caught me looking at her photos on a hard drive she gave me to transfer a file to. I admitted it and told her I shouldn't have but that she'll survive. Then I changed the subject. Moments later she was fine.

 

 

 

Very sorry to hear that, okane24. You're not alone. Welcome to the club (technically we should never have allowed you in here in the first place, what with you still having the lady in tow 'n' all).

 

I expect you to accept the situation, and to accept all the feelings that come with it BUT NOT ACT ON THEM. Allow yourself 24 hours to mourn and then move on. This is the ONLY and BEST thing you can do right now, no matter what your goal. Get yourself a pair of Superman undies (I know of some now going cheap) and get out and explore the world that, actually, is no different than it was yesterday--one of the few benefits of an LDR. ;-)

 

We're here for you. Nonchalantly, though, of course.

 

 

 

Don't respond so often, and, when you do, make it TRULY upbeat and briefer than usual.

[CrapAtNC]

By the way, HUGE congratulations, everyone: we have made it onto the first page of the most-viewed threads! We're currently the twentieth most popular thread of all time. Needy people are good for something! Woo hoo!

[iduncare]

I seriously love this thread!! It motivates me to log in and post something after such a long time.

 

L-n-l and okane24, sorry to hear abt wat happened.

 

A bit of my background:

 

Tgt for 5 mths, broke up for 14 mths (he dumped me)

 

Reason: he stopped showing public affection, I got insecure and needy. He dumped me, admitting that my neediness turned him off and also he was uncomfortable with our age gap (I'm 6 yrs older than him, I'm 30 this yr)

 

We remained as friends, hang out occasionally, usually at his request. And he is usually the one initiating contact too. But i am still interested in getting him back, though I don't say it, I guess my neediness and interest in his private life are big hints

 

Crap, will nonchalant works in my case? I'm not sure if he'll ever initiate contact again as he was quite pissed with me a few days ago (tried to pry into his personal life again). But then again, we had countless similar arguments before but we always pulled it through.

[J-L-T]

Okay...yesterday evening. I copied what you said, Crap. I text the ex "Im in the mood to be ignored today, so I thought I'd text you and say hi!" (I thought that was bloomin' hilarious, BTW! Thanks.) A few hours went by, and I assumed he wasn't going to reply, so I just left it. I was then getting ready to go meet another guy (someone he knows actually...not a friend, but he knows him) And I got a text from him. "Your wish is granted....I guess?" So I put "Uh, no...you just ruined it, fool! How's it going? I'm actually going to (his town, which is just outside of mine) a bit later, of all places" He replied "I wasn't sure what to make of that text. Was it some reverse psychology or something? I'm okay, are you okay? Why on earth are you going to ********* later?" I replied "Thought I'd give you a brainteaser to wake you up. Yes, I'm okay. I'm going to meet someone there. How is your mum and my Teddy? I bet he's crying cause he misses me!" (Teddy is his cute lil dog) He replied "He's fine. But no...he's MY Teddy. Get your own" I replied "Me and him bonded. You still owe me a effing puppy if you breed him" (He said he wants to breed him before, and would give me a puppy) A bit later on he replied "Uhhh...how about noo?" By that point I was with the other guy. So I thought it was a good idea to leave it anyways. Did I do okay? I thought maybe I got a bit soppy or whatever with the dog thing? But at least he actually replied this time. Any thoughts? Guess it's a waiting game again now..ha.

[The_Seeker]

I know that this frame that I set up (replying her messages after a long time... 4-5 days usually) now she follows it also, and she answers the same, after 4-5 days and actually she tells nothing in her messages just something along the lines of "I am happy, how are you?"

 

How can I speed up the frame of how often are exchanged the messages,

in a way that I don't appear needy at all?

 

She sent very mixed signals, first time when I didn't answer for 5 days, she wrote me at 1 am quite desperate "How are you, where are you?" and that she wanted to keep in touch in me.

 

But then she instantly gets well and assured when I write back to her...

 

How can I convince her to write more often... by being nonchalant and attractive about it?

 

Thank you very much

 

By not writing back too much.

 

If she texts you at 1 AM in the morning, ignore it.

 

And respond later the next day. Tell her "I'm in bed. Sleeping. Is that a crime? ;]"

 

If it was an emergency at 1 AM, she would have dial 911.

[just not sure]

would most people here consider it a positive if your ex gets defensive if you don't respond to her, or try to cut your conversations short?

[The_Seeker]

would most people here consider it a positive if your ex gets defensive if you don't respond to her, or try to cut your conversations short?

 

To me, absolutely. It's like you see their boiling point.

[bungalo]

Ok, I went to the club for the Singles Dance...fully expecting HER (the ex) to be there. She was not. Had a good time despite this...danced with the hottest girl in the club...danced with 4 women altogether...multiple times..It was fun..kissed one gal in the parking lot. Played the nonchalance thing, as best as I could. It seemed to pay off.

 

Now at 30 days NC, I am thinking about reaching out to the ex. She hasn't initiated one single contact in the 3 months since the breakup. I really feel like I can be the nonchalant, non-needy guy. It seems like the formula when they say something that makes you uncomfortable is to agree with them, and then make a joke, and change the subject. But more than that, just exuding a calm, slightly apathetic vibe. Am I on target here? At what point do you move to getting physical with the Ex? Since we've had multiple breakups, and such a long history...I'm thinking it might take a long time to get to this stage...!>>>?

[CrapAtNC]

Man, you have mastered nonchalance! Awesome display! Did you manage to throw in any funny responses? I think you ARE on the way to having her chase you a bit more. Be flirty at times (other times not), be unpredictable (don't come home when you usually would or something similar), and make sure she gets to know that other women are finding you attractive (I had an overnight guest and left her toothbrush and contacts solution on the bathroom sink--haha! Ex saw it for sure, and it coincides with her now needy behaviour).

 

Keep it up. If your upbeat, you win regardless.

 

 

 

Mate, what happened to nonchalance? Here's what you should have done differently: (1) Made a joke when caught, brushing the whole thing off, telling her she'll survive, and redirecting the convo; (2) Not tried to explain anything; (3) turned it around and blamed her for scaring the crap out of Superman; (4) should never have let her take the lead in the first place (you didn't like what was happening, so you should have taken control and at the very least changed plans to date another night; (5) should not have got bothered by any of this.

 

I feel for you. I would have been tempted to act the same. But I know how things ALWAYS go when I let anything be taken too seriously. ;-)

 

 

 

Your neediness is a big hint? To stay away, you mean? Nonchalance is EXACTLY what you need. It means not asking questions, not trying to find anything out, not needing anything from him--because your happiness is not dependent on it. You don't care about this stuff! Give it a go. Live it. Report back your miracles, please. ;-)

 

 

 

You did GREAT! Seriously good job! I bet you feel happy.

 

Now sit back and wait. The fun convo will be playing on his mind. You are now going FORWARDS. Do NOT reverse everything by needily texting him again. He will come to you. Watch. ;-)

[CrapAtNC]

would most people here consider it a positive if your ex gets defensive if you don't respond to her, or try to cut your conversations short?

 

Absolutely!

 

Ok, I went to the club for the Singles Dance...fully expecting HER (the ex) to be there. She was not. Had a good time despite this...danced with the hottest girl in the club...danced with 4 women altogether...multiple times..It was fun..kissed one gal in the parking lot. Played the nonchalance thing, as best as I could. It seemed to pay off.

 

Now at 30 days NC, I am thinking about reaching out to the ex. She hasn't initiated one single contact in the 3 months since the breakup. I really feel like I can be the nonchalant, non-needy guy. It seems like the formula when they say something that makes you uncomfortable is to agree with them, and then make a joke, and change the subject. But more than that, just exuding a calm, slightly apathetic vibe. Am I on target here? At what point do you move to getting physical with the Ex? Since we've had multiple breakups, and such a long history...I'm thinking it might take a long time to get to this stage...!>>>?

 

Yes, you're very much on target. Practice by watching soaps or movies and thinking up your own nonchalant responses to any lines that could be taken as being argumentative, insulting, hurtful, etc.

 

It's actually kind of cool she wasn't there, as--well--you can't possibly do anything wrong if they're not around. Win!

 

My ex texted me twice from work today, once to ask me to go earlier than usual because she's missing me. Then she waited to leave with me. Then she called me when my car wasn't immediately behind hers as she parked outside our buildings. Jeez. She's so NEEDY!

[KateUK]

Well.... my ex came round yesterday on his way through to look at a room and to pick up some stuff.... first time we had seen each other since the chat on friday where he said he definitely wanted me back but I said, business as usual till you get your own place sorted out.

 

Nonchalance highlights though:

- The first thing I said was 'hello beardyman' as he needed a shave, and he asked if i had had my hair cut as it looked really nice.

- When he got his stuff sorted, I was sat on the floor surrounded by paperwork and he was just hanging around near the door - which is at the point that I would usually go up to him and give him a hug - so I said, 'you can come and give me a hug you know if you want to' and he stood there and smiled and I said 'surely you arent shy, Mr Smith...!'. He came and sat down and gave me a hug. We then stood and hugged again and he said 'your heart is beating... which is a good sign.' and complimented me saying I was looking very trim and he wondered if I felt any lighter. So he picked me up and said I did and he thought I was looking really good.

- On his way out, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a heart shaped stone that I had given him when we first broke up to show me that he still had it next to his heart.

- When he left, I said 'see ya later' and he said 'ah will you now? I go where the wind takes me!' and I said 'i dont want you to come back if you have wind!'.

 

He texted me a couple of hours later 'Really good to see you again. take care tonight and enjoy '

I went out and ended up missing my train so texted him at midnight 'in taxi on way home... train muppers changed platform and drove off without me! Had great time in fab cafe. Was ok to see you too ;-)'

Half hour later he texted 'just ok to see me, cheeky cow! lol glad you had fun'

I just replied that i didnt want to swell his head

 

Today he texted to say 'I'm out of Bradford!!! On my way to my new room. hope you feeling ok after last night'

I am so pleased that he has managed to sort himself a new place out - and move out from this girl's house!

I just said congratulations and that I knew how much he wanted to leave there.

The latest is he texted 'I know but moving into a single room and having no money doesnt exactly seem like an achievement lol. It is a lovely view there though, ill send you photos of the place. btw, even though we didn't go out 25th i think it was a good start for future anyway hope to see you guys again sometime soon.'

 

So.... he has done what I wanted and got his own place. Should I just leave him to it now and wait for him to reschedule a 'first date'? I hadn't really thought this far ahead!! Any nonchalant suggestions or do I ignore the fact that he has got his own place and carry on as usual, leaving the ball in his court?

 

Thanks in advance people!!

[paulod]

Crap,

I'm loving this thread, been reading it over and over for quite some time now and I'm also doing the "Pah I-don't-care-what-happens-now attitude" I unfortunately work in the same building as my ex so see her from time to time, okay need advice, been broken up for almost 8 months (Ive been sorting my life out, working on me) only contact since March is when I run into her at work, been pretty much NC since then, she wanted space, I respected that and she got it.

I bumped into her twice week before last (Tues and Fri) had good chats both days,laughing and joking as always, she asked me to mail her and go for a catch up on Tues before we went our separate ways, I as of yet have not mailed her, that Friday we ran into each other and chatted our asses off for a bit, was nice convo,asked what I was doing at the weekend, what I was up to, liked my style ( To which I replied, eh? "Yeh cheers, just something I threw together")said what she was doing etc. very light, was very nice.

 

Now my ex is very stubborn and her pride gets in the way, so her contacting me for a "catch up" will be remote to say the least no matter how much she may be hurting (If indeed she is at all..who knows??) So I was going to mail her when I'm next in work (Tomorrow) to say Hi and take it from there, if she replies then great, if not hey ho her loss, and carry on as normal. But not sure how to do it without coming accross as me being needy? but then again, us chatting week past friday for a bit, is that classed as "The catch up" ? should I wait a wee bit longer?

Any advice greatly appreciated

 

P

[iduncare]

Crap, I really love the way you reply the posts here Haha.. It's great that you are putting in so much time and effort to help us.

 

Yes, non chalance is exactly what I need and what I hoped to achieve.

 

I've just reread 'codependent no more', and have made appointment to see a therapist next month (too many failed RS in the past, lots of unresolved issues and emotional baggage)

 

I'm trying to stay true to my username 'iduncare'. The concept of "nonchalance" is still vague at this point, but I'll start trying.

 

I hope to come back with miracles!

[CrapAtNC]

We then stood and hugged again and he said 'your heart is beating... which is a good sign.'

To which you should have replied, "Yes. It means you don't get your kicks hugging corpses."

 

 

He texted me a couple of hours later 'Really good to see you again. take care tonight and enjoy '

I went out and ended up missing my train so texted him at midnight 'in taxi on way home... train muppers changed platform and drove off without me! Had great time in fab cafe. Was ok to see you too ;-)'

Half hour later he texted 'just ok to see me, cheeky cow! lol glad you had fun'

I just replied that i didnt want to swell his head

 

I would have said nothing. Far more attractive NOT ti give them what they want when they're asking or hinting at it. ;-)

 

So.... he has done what I wanted and got his own place. Should I just leave him to it now and wait for him to reschedule a 'first date'? I hadn't really thought this far ahead!! Any nonchalant suggestions or do I ignore the fact that he has got his own place and carry on as usual, leaving the ball in his court?

 

Definitely wait for him. It's great that he's followed through with his word; that's a really good sign. But you are nonchalant. You are the prize. Be won!

 

When he suggests a date, tell him you'll check your diary. Wait a while. Then suggest a different night a little later. And don't give yourself too easily. Really. This is incredibly important. My ex is really into me and yet she won't let things go too far (neither will I), and it's beautiful.

 

Be prepared for setbacks and how you will nonchalantly respond to them. I think you're doing great. And you guys seem to have a pretty cool chemistry. Looking forward to hearing more about your progress.