Nonchalance is Your Friend

[jenna-is-here]

NICE SCOTT!!!!! You have mastered it!

[okane24]

My nonchalance is really being tested right now...

 

My girl is in Korea and I'm here in San Diego. She tells me that her best friend just broke up with her man of 5 years, so she is going wild, and bringing my girl along for the ride.

 

They go out ALOT to nightclubs, bars, karaoke... They get hit on by guys alot and her friend is loving it because she is newly single.

 

This REALLY bothers me because if my girl was with me in San Diego, no way is it cool for her to do that... meeting new guys and partying so much.

 

I trust my girl, but, we are all human. If she gets too drunk and gets hit on by a good looking guy, I'm not sure how strong my connection is with her.

 

She told me to call her more this weekend because she has some more time off of school. She will get busy again starting Monday.

 

I know I am being super insecure, but how much can a man take??

 

I wish she was more mature and could just hang out and go to dinner or to the movies with her friends, but it seems like shes partying it up, getting drunk, and guys are CONSTANTLY hitting on her.

 

How do I handle this? Should I not care? Is it my right to ask her how "friendly", she gets with these new guys?

 

I am still her Boyfriend. There are Boundaries. If she was here, NONE of that would be acceptable, she would be disrespecting me. Now that shes back home in Korea, I have no idea whats going on...

 

Damn...It's 4 am her time in Korea right now. She might not even be home yet from partying... I don't know how much more of this I can take...

 

The only positive thing is that she likes to hear from me and wants to talk more and called me honey on our convos. This, to me, tells me we're still a good couple...

 

Any suggestions or advice... Thanks!

[bungalo]

This whole thread is Craptastic! Have a nice weekend everyone.....it's cool...we'll be 'ite

[Kevo]

This REALLY bothers me because if my girl was with me in San Diego, no way is it cool for her to do that... meeting new guys and partying so much.

 

You can't control her. When I notice these type of thoughts, I think to what others have said that you can't control what she does, the only thing you can control is how you react to your feelings. And being angry is never healthy for you or for your relationship. The more insecure you are and the more angry or controlling you become, the more she will pull away from you. Get your mind together, be the mature and calm one even if she is not and you just have to see what happens.

[Live-N-Learn]

Okane, is this going to be an LDR for a long time or are you going to be back together in the same state soon? If this is going to be for a long time you may want to let her go...If you will be back together soon you just need to play it cool and be nonchalant. One of the lines crap said earlier would be good for you to say to her...tell her hey be careful when your out there partying...I hear many of the guys at the bar carry axes under their jackets! Try to keep it light and upbeat, this is your best approach.

 

She is probably wondering what you are doing as well. Make it sound like you are having fun and don't let her see you are insecure...this is a deal killer. You can do this! Best of luck my friend.

[KateUK]

I love your new avatar bungalo! I nearly bought some Lucky Charms in Selfridges in Manchester last week - but they were £7.50 a box!!

Anyway, I digress....

 

Okane, you need to chill out!!

 

When I was with my ex, I still went out and partied. It wasn't disrespectful to him. We TRUSTED each other. He was proud of me, and secure enough to know that I would come back to him. I wouldn't have had any issues if he had wanted to go our partying either for the same reasons. You need to worry about the things you CAN control and stop letting this eat away at you.

Is she the type to go off with another guy?

Surely, you are a good judge of character and wouldn't be with someone you thought a) would disregard your feelings by going off with another guy or b) was so weak and easily led by friends and other men that she would do something crazy whilst drunk.

You are actually showing *her* a lot of disrespect by thinking that way.

[jellysandwich]

I've had a facebook message conversation over the past few days with the ex. I've been pretty nonchalant lately, but I think I went a bit too far with my last message.

 

I guess I'm having a little trouble between being nonchalant and having self respect (not dealing with her games). But the problem is, I think my message came out wrong.

 

Any thoughts on what would have been a better thing to say or how to proceed from here?

 

Me: All right all right. Let's talk over the weekend and catch up then. When are you free?

Her: Why don't you just email me? I am not very good at scheduling meeting with different time zones I might be late or too early...

Me: No.

Her: Too bad if you don't really want to work it out!!!

Me: Whoa whoa, back it up for a minute. I think there's a misunderstanding here. To be honest, I'm not particularly interested in playing these games with you. So, let's stop it with the passive-aggressive attitude okay?

Also, you should realize it's kind of difficult for me when you don't put an effort in aside from the occasional "Hey (name) how are you doing?" How about you give me a little more to work with here? That is, if YOU really want to work it out.

[Live-N-Learn]

I've had a facebook message conversation over the past few days with the ex. I've been pretty nonchalant lately, but I think I went a bit too far with my last message.

 

I guess I'm having a little trouble between being nonchalant and having self respect (not dealing with her games). But the problem is, I think my message came out wrong.

 

Any thoughts on what would have been a better thing to say or how to proceed from here?

 

To be honest, this does not seem to be nonchalant at all. You seem to be pushing really hard and I am sure that is why she is pulling away. Try to be funny and lighthearted. Tell her you are sorry for the last convo...that an alien came in and stole your brain and you called the police and they found it. Something like that. You are very concerned about the outcome which is the opposite of nonchalance. Sorry if this sounds harsh, just trying to help.

[jellysandwich]

Np, not harsh at all. I appreciate the honesty.

[KateUK]

I agree with LnL....

 

You wrecked the nonchalance by saying no. She was being nonchalant to you in her message, you should have flipped it back by saying that you aren't sure what time zones your emails are in right now so one of those may be late or early too ;-) Telling her she is passive - aggressive will NOT have earned you any brownie points (particularly as passive - aggressivists by their very nature twist logic to blame other people....).

 

Just pull back for now, and respond totally nonchalantly when she comes back to you. Ultimately remember - be unaffected. Keep it light, be quick and funny and turn her comments round to steer the chat. She won't see it coming. She will wonder what has happened to you to turn your attitude around, and she will * * * * * her ears up! Don't panic, you can still turn this round. A light hearted apology like LnL suggested would work wonders too.

[just not sure]

just not sure, if you can think, then you can act nonchalant. Acting nonchalant means you are nonchalant. And the more you're nonchalant, the more nonchalant you are. You can do this. Need some help with witty responses? Just throw us a couple of examples of the kind of thing she might say to get a reaction from you. I reckon you'll get some excellent suggestions from the Nonchalant Crew here. ;-)

 

the problem is that in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, i told my ex i wanted to be friends to show her that I was committed to making the changes she wanted to see in me. i've lost nearly 40 lbs in a month, got 2 jobs, re-enrolled in school, am moving into my own apartment next weekend, make sure all the bills we have together are paid on time, decided on the career i want to pursue, etc.

 

i've also made a fairly large amount of big gestures. I gave her my NFL season tickets because she paid for them and i owe her some money. she has all my furniture still as well as my TV. meanwhile, she's watching movies with this new guy on with MY DVD player on MY TV. last week she said she'd start dating me as soon as i got my own place, last night she said she didn't want to risk the one month relationship she now has because she's not ready to trust me yet. but then she talks about me to her mother about how i've lost a bunch of weight and looked good in a shirt she bought me that didn't used to fit.

 

i feel like this specific problem is my own fault because i did ask her to be my friend with no strings, and she's doing that, but at the same time there was supposed to be an endgame to all of this. it's just strange. you know she never said it's over between us, and last week i was at her apartment 3 times just to talk or whatever, we went to the dog park together tuesday and i gave her a ride....i know if i was dating a girl and she was talking and seeing to her ex regularly after only a month I wouldn't like it, but HE DOESN'T KNOW. so there's alot many mixed signals. she tried to talk to me about things he did to make her mad and i told her i didn't want to hear about him because nothing that happens between him and her has any effect on what happens between her and I. i may have screwed up a bunch, but i feel like i'm still learning about myself and growing as a person. this dude is 35 and is certainly no great catch. he is what he is. people that old GENERALLY don't change their stripes.

 

i TRULY love this girl and i feel like i have a reasonable shot at getting her back so long as i stay on the right path, but at the moment i'm starting to feel like Plan B and that's not gonna work. i love talking to her and seeing her and all that and i feel like she obviously feels like it would be a problem with this guy or else she'd tell him and tell him that there's nothing to worry about, yet she's doing it anyway. but she also knows what I want, and i don't plan on going out and having fun with her and then going home while she goes and snuggles or whatever else with him.

 

yet again, i'm just not sure.

 

ETA: she called twice and texted me like 5 times today and i didn't respond to any of them. maybe i should and just try to be nonchalant, but it's harder than it sounds.

[Live-N-Learn]

Just not sure,

 

You are going to get two apposing views as to what you should do. Stop talking to her and go NC or Be Nonchalant. Both are hard roads to travel and I have been down both of them. It really does not matter that you told her you could be friends or not, your actions will speak louder than the words. I suggest you stay in contact with her and let her see the changes you are making in your life. Next time she brings up the other guy and is complaining about him, say one of the lines in this thread...would you like me to have him killed? Say it jokingly...she will laugh her butt off and not expect it from you.

 

She expects you to be needy, emotional and not OK with it. It will blow her away when you do just the opposite. Stop worrying about the outcome and make every interaction with her fun and light hearted. This really is the way to go if you want a chance at getting her back, and more importantly get yourself back. IMO

[J-L-T]

I wanna talk to my ex so flippin' bad!!! I'm pretty sure I could fake nonchalance by this point ("until I make it") It's just actually having the contact with him. Last time we spoke he said he doesn't mind speaking to see how we're doing. Said sorry if he got nast at the end. But he then said he's running out of phone credit. This was probably 2 weekish ago. And 9 days ago I called him, but he didn't answer. He also never contacted me afterwards. But then I noticed he unblocked me, and my friend, on Facebook just a few days ago. I just don't get it all. I want a chance to act cool with him, and attract him again.

[BeDour]

Here's my most recent thread that pretty much sums everything up.

 

Two days ago she went away to visit a friend at college. I didn't contact her the whole time. I figured I'd give her a little break since she requested some space. So today she comes back and she called me on her ride home to say hi and see how I was doing. Then she texted me to let me know she got home safe and we had a little text convo until she took a nap. This may sound silly but we are also officially "friends" again on facebook. After the breakup she deleted me and blocked me.

 

So things are still in that awkward chit chat about nothing phase, and I need to kickstart the convos and get a little flirting back in there. I feel like I've made no progress lately, which is annoying since I made so much progress in the first few weeks after reestablishing contact. Can nonchalance be the soluation I'm looking for? I kind of feel like that's how I'm being and it's not getting me anywhere.

[restlessgirl]

hola everyone

ive been following this thread feverishly for some time & am almost regretting initiating strict NC back on july 15. however, ex [the dumper] put up no fight !! i have initiated contact w/ him 3 times since then & while he replies he never initiates ! so it`s almost 3 months & he doesn`t seem to miss me whatsoever.. lovely. well i`m about ready to throw in the towel so my last attempt is going to be a long apology txt. the second last time we txtd he really sounded hurt over what i had done SO maybe if i do an apology w/o asking for anything in return he might be more open to thoughts of us ? he is the stubborn type.. literally i think he would rather suffer than swallow his pride. i think he likes that he put me down after he always felt like that in the relationship [i did not do that to him, i was extremely complimentary & supportive, you can read my thread].

 

so i don`t know if he has a gf & frankly don`t want to know.. i have opportunities & have gone on some first dates but have just been concentrating on school. but if this doesn`t open the doors to him initiating convo`s then i seriously have to stop embarrassing myself & just forget he existed somehow. my letter to him isn`t too lovey dovey & complimentary b/c like i said he hasn`t started any convo`s so i just think he`s a jerk & for all i know he will show it to who knows. he has done way worse things to me & way more often yet i never got a long apology.. just a lot of `i made a mistake`, `i`ll prove to you i love you`, etc, so i think he should be happy that i keep taking these risks by initiating . ughhhhh if my friend was telling me all this i would call her an idiot ! love is blind when i think of the suffering he has put me through.. yet i keep hoping/praying/trying. i don`t even think i should send the txt & give him the satisfaction. i have stroked his ego enough !! but then i will obsess & think what if i had sent it.. well, here it is. i tried to keep it casual.. i didn`t want to make it funny or clever because then he would think i`m trying so hard & his friends would probably pick up on it too. it`s also abit disorganized b/c i didn`t want to spend time on it when i`m not even positive that i`m going to send it :

[CrapAtNC]

I'm loving the nonchalance on this thread! It's very inspiring!

 

Will respond to all soon, but I'm just off to the ex's right now. Since I decided to move on (my sexy new language exchange is proving to be a great distraction), the ex just won't leave me alone. She just called several minutes after she woke up to invite me for breakfast. This is unheard of! It's nonstop calls and invitations from her now, and I have to admit I'm kind of enjoying it.

 

The new language exchange is coming swimming with me tomorrow, and I can't wait, because she is a hottie!

 

Nonchalantly on, brothers and sisters!

[restlessgirl]

rough draft.. but i rly dont want him to think i am really trying so it`s gotta sound like random thoughts coming to me lol

 

As time has passed, things have become more & more clear to me [funny how that works] & I truly see now what a big apology I owe you.. i`ll make this quick & not get into the specifics. I did not put myself in your shoes & didnt kno where yu were coming from at all. The main reason things don’t work out between two ppl [& it happened to us] is I assumed my `truth` was also true for you. However, I think this is the human condition. Some ppl are able to see others viewpoints but when you didn’t mean for actions to be taken a certain way it is difficult to see it any other way. I thought my actions would have the opposite effect.

 

Luckily I came to a different level of awareness on why it had hurt your feelings. O gosh yre gona think im a hippie for sure haha I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I cant stand that I actually hurt yr feelings. Im not writing in hopes that yu will says it ok cz it wasn’t ok. But Chaos is what happens when you're ready for a big change. Some ppl come into our lives to teach us patience and forgiveness. Or to wake us up to the fact that we need to change for ourselves in order to have better lives.. whether they stick around to see the improvement or not. You know how dudes always say oh I don’t mind if guys hit on or check out my gf at the bar cz at the end of the nite I feel even luckier that im the one she goes home w ? well that was basically my thinking and the only way I saw it. I was wrong, I admit it. I didn’t understand at the time but I do now. I don’t care if yu have a laugh over this txt w whoever cz if I wanted to be a cool fake person I would not have txtd at all during the breakup & broken other rules like that. I kno I don’t even have to wish yu well cz I kno yu always did a good job of taking care of yrself so im not worried like yu kno how to cut the freaking yumi bread at restaurants gahh jealous lol kay bye d

[BeDour]

Crap...in the middle of an IM chat. I haven't gotten CrapAtNC's advice yet! I'm wingin' it! haha

[CrapAtNC]

What's cool is we have been pseudo dating for the past 4 months since I broke NC with her but she has never called what we are doing a date. This is the FIRST time she has called it a date! This nonchalance really works...I am seeing it with my own eyes. I never thought I could turns this around, I tried everything and this is the only thing that has worked. Yay for nonchalance! No matter what happens I feel really good about myself and how quickly this method works when you have the chance to be in contact with an ex and use it on them.

 

Btw...it probably did not hurt that a couple of hot chicks posted on my wall saying how good a time they had hanging out with me in Virginia Monday night

 

Yes! Yes! And yes! You're an inspiration to the rest of us. Though we now have to decide whether it's the nonchalance working its magic or those Superman undies of yours. If it's the latter, it should make an interesting thread . . .

 

This REALLY bothers me because if my girl was with me in San Diego, no way is it cool for her to do that... meeting new guys and partying so much.

 

You are in an LDR. You can't expect a girl to have no fun nights out just because her bf lives on the other side of the world. Your case is pretty special, okane24. I have to admit, I couldn't do an LDR. There are just too many obstacles, too much to put up with, too little contact. Are you sure this is what you want? She may be beautiful, but is that it? Maybe it's time to consider someone less beautiful but more available to you?

 

My favorite ever ex is a girl who I didn't fancy at all when I met her. I just thought she was nice and fun and kind of entertaining to take around. It turned into my longest, healthiest, and happiest relationship (five years) and ended only after we got engaged and the parents stepped in to break us up (cultural issues). Even though I didn't fancy her much at first, I began to regard her as the prettiest, cutest, sexiest woman I had ever met. The break-up was healthy too. Just food for thought . . .

 

This whole thread is Craptastic! Have a nice weekend everyone.....it's cool...we'll be 'ite

 

Posting in bold red? Woo hoo! How did YOUR singles night go? I'm guessing pretty good. Did you borrow Live-N-Learn's Superman briefs?

 

I've had a facebook message conversation over the past few days with the ex. I've been pretty nonchalant lately, but I think I went a bit too far with my last message.

 

I guess I'm having a little trouble between being nonchalant and having self respect (not dealing with her games). But the problem is, I think my message came out wrong.

 

Any thoughts on what would have been a better thing to say or how to proceed from here?

 

You've had some great feedback already. What you did wasn't nonchalant at all. It was needy and a bit mean. Where was the fun? Where was the flirtation? Where were the Superman knickers???

 

the problem is that in the immediate aftermath of the breakup, i told my ex i wanted to be friends to show her that I was committed to making the changes she wanted to see in me. i've lost nearly 40 lbs in a month, got 2 jobs, re-enrolled in school, am moving into my own apartment next weekend, make sure all the bills we have together are paid on time, decided on the career i want to pursue, etc.

 

i've also made a fairly large amount of big gestures. I gave her my NFL season tickets because she paid for them and i owe her some money. she has all my furniture still as well as my TV. meanwhile, she's watching movies with this new guy on with MY DVD player on MY TV. last week she said she'd start dating me as soon as i got my own place, last night she said she didn't want to risk the one month relationship she now has because she's not ready to trust me yet. but then she talks about me to her mother about how i've lost a bunch of weight and looked good in a shirt she bought me that didn't used to fit.

 

i feel like this specific problem is my own fault because i did ask her to be my friend with no strings, and she's doing that, but at the same time there was supposed to be an endgame to all of this. it's just strange. you know she never said it's over between us, and last week i was at her apartment 3 times just to talk or whatever, we went to the dog park together tuesday and i gave her a ride....i know if i was dating a girl and she was talking and seeing to her ex regularly after only a month I wouldn't like it, but HE DOESN'T KNOW. so there's alot many mixed signals. she tried to talk to me about things he did to make her mad and i told her i didn't want to hear about him because nothing that happens between him and her has any effect on what happens between her and I. i may have screwed up a bunch, but i feel like i'm still learning about myself and growing as a person. this dude is 35 and is certainly no great catch. he is what he is. people that old GENERALLY don't change their stripes.

 

i TRULY love this girl and i feel like i have a reasonable shot at getting her back so long as i stay on the right path, but at the moment i'm starting to feel like Plan B and that's not gonna work. i love talking to her and seeing her and all that and i feel like she obviously feels like it would be a problem with this guy or else she'd tell him and tell him that there's nothing to worry about, yet she's doing it anyway. but she also knows what I want, and i don't plan on going out and having fun with her and then going home while she goes and snuggles or whatever else with him.

 

yet again, i'm just not sure.

 

ETA: she called twice and texted me like 5 times today and i didn't respond to any of them. maybe i should and just try to be nonchalant, but it's harder than it sounds.

 

You and I are in the same boat. My ex is with someone else, and I'm torn between sticking around and making an impression or leaving her to experience the consequences of her decision. She's now calling him her boyfriend, which tells me I'm doing the right thing by moving on now (saying he's her bf means nothing, in reality, since we kiss, flirt, get naked, massage--everything but sex--but for sure I don't want to be a safety net). I think you and I need to adopt the same game plan, and that is simply to show that we can move on (I actually don't want my ex back now, but still don't like the idea of being number two; you, on the other hand, want yours back--but the way forward is the same for both of us).

 

I would respond to more of her contacts, say one in two or three, and always in an upbeat manner; should you ever lose your nonchalant air, simply dismiss it and carry on. Start dating others. Show that you are attractive (by the way, GREAT job on the self improvements; I guarantee she is attracted by that). If you want to slide out of the friendzone you need to show that others value you and want you--make her see you as a catch just as much as a good friend. And do it all playfully.

 

I wanna talk to my ex so flippin' bad!!! I'm pretty sure I could fake nonchalance by this point ("until I make it") It's just actually having the contact with him. Last time we spoke he said he doesn't mind speaking to see how we're doing. Said sorry if he got nast at the end. But he then said he's running out of phone credit. This was probably 2 weekish ago. And 9 days ago I called him, but he didn't answer. He also never contacted me afterwards. But then I noticed he unblocked me, and my friend, on Facebook just a few days ago. I just don't get it all. I want a chance to act cool with him, and attract him again.

 

Bump into him if you can. Or send a funny text. "For some reason I was thinking about you today, but I have no idea why . . . you're not wearing Superman underpants are you?" Ha-ha! Well, anything silly and funny. He won't get this one, but then it might ignite his interest. Just say you heard that superhero undies are where it's at these days. Or just send something completely different: "I'm just clearing out my phone. Do you want any of your old messages back before I throw them out? If he doesn't respond, it really doesn't matter. The sillier or funnier your message, the more it will stick in his mind. "I'm in the mood to be ignored today, so I thought I'd write you and say hi." Then you can respond later with "Thank you! That was JUST what I needed! You rock at ignoring!"

 

Here's my most recent thread that pretty much sums everything up.

 

Two days ago she went away to visit a friend at college. I didn't contact her the whole time. I figured I'd give her a little break since she requested some space. So today she comes back and she called me on her ride home to say hi and see how I was doing. Then she texted me to let me know she got home safe and we had a little text convo until she took a nap. This may sound silly but we are also officially "friends" again on facebook. After the breakup she deleted me and blocked me.

 

So things are still in that awkward chit chat about nothing phase, and I need to kickstart the convos and get a little flirting back in there. I feel like I've made no progress lately, which is annoying since I made so much progress in the first few weeks after reestablishing contact. Can nonchalance be the soluation I'm looking for? I kind of feel like that's how I'm being and it's not getting me anywhere.

 

Definitely stick to being upbeat, non-needy, non-questioning or asking, and confident. Be a little flirty and even tease her a little. It sounds to me like you're doing fine. Are you giving her the impression that you would like to be with her but will be ABSOLUTELY FINE if not? That's the mode to go for.

 

I practice on my ex now. It's great to test out new ideas. We broke up, she said, because she fears being in a relationship with another foreigner, even though she loves and misses me and thinks we're very special. She thought the new guy had got her pregnant (big test of nonchalance on hearing THAT one!), but texted me last night to let me know she did the test and she's not heavy with child. I responded that that was great news and I'm happy for her, but I have some bad news: I just got my blood test results back and I'm still a foreigner. She loved it. It showed she can tell me anything and I can still make her laugh, and also that I was hinting I still wanted her (I really am just practicing; I don't want her now). This is a good way to be. Show you want, but that you are happy regardless. I also think it's important to date others, and I've been letting her know about some of my recent dating conquests (all non-sexual right now). I'm certain once I reduce time with her to be with someone else, she will panic. Let's see. But you need to show your ex the same, that you love and want her, but accept her decision and will gallantly date others so as not to make her feel guilty. ;-)

 

hola everyone

ive been following this thread feverishly for some time & am almost regretting initiating strict NC back on july 15. however, ex [the dumper] put up no fight !! i have initiated contact w/ him 3 times since then & while he replies he never initiates ! so it`s almost 3 months & he doesn`t seem to miss me whatsoever.. lovely. well i`m about ready to throw in the towel so my last attempt is going to be a long apology txt. the second last time we txtd he really sounded hurt over what i had done SO maybe if i do an apology w/o asking for anything in return he might be more open to thoughts of us ?

 

I don't like apologies. The counselor who helped me through post-break-up with my original ex told me not to apologize. Words mean little if anything at all. Better to show that you are different. Demonstrate you've changed. If you didn't see things from his point of view before, start doing it now. It's that simple. Don't SAY you've changed; SHOW it. And be patient. Patience shows non-neediness, and that's DAMNED attractive.

 

So, I just had a nice breakfast with the ex. Spotted a used condom in the garbage--ugh! Remained nonchalant. Made a joke about it (and actually glad she's being careful now, as it shows she's not ready to have a baby with this guy yet, though she did want mine early on). Then I chatted about my sexy language exchange. Then she called her guy her boyfriend for the first time--ugh again! I realise now it was because I was talking about my sexy LE (she has a great figure; my ex isn't so curvy, and I think that bothers her). I remained nonchalant throughout until she started criticizing her bf's family and saying how she thinks their differences may be a problem in the future. That may have been to reassure me or keep me interested, but for some reason I jumped to her new guy's defence and pointed out that she focuses way too much on small things that MAY be a problem when in fact it's the things we can't foresee that give us the biggest issues--like a cheating girlfriend, for instance.

 

I then told her exactly what I thought of the way she behaves in relationships, but all calmly and in belief that it was for her benefit. I was amazed when she accepted it, and was grateful that I had been so direct with her (we almost fought but didn't, as we both seem to be after the Master of Nonchalance title here). At first she thought I was trying to hurt her, but I assured her I really thought it was something she needed to hear, and it was for her benefit. Amazingly, we were as good as gold within minutes.

 

When you're nonchalant, it's amazing how much it opens up the door for honest communication. I've been wanting to tell her what's wrong with the way she looks at relationships (and what her idea of 'cheating' is--she tends to have excuses rather than reasons), and it feels great to have got it off my chest and RECEIVED by her, which could not have happened if I'd told her in an emotional way.

 

A good experiment, I think.

 

My next goal for achieving utmost nonchalance is to master the art of ending convos or leaving way before I usually do. It only takes a few seconds of sticking around more than necessary to make you feel like you're being needy, so my goal this week is to end all meetings and convos early and preferably at a high point. BYE!

[restlessgirl]

But crap how can I demonstrate how I've changed & demonstrate nonchalance when he doesn't txt or want to see me ? Do you think it's still early days & maybe after 6 months nc or something he might txt me ? I could just leave it alone and see what happens ? I don't know ;(

[Mark33]

I went to many different doctors and I discovered that I had severe depression for over the last years.

 

My exgirlrfriend didnt realize this, and our breakup was not a full breakup in the true sense, but we just didnt see eachother for almost 4 months, and probably she slept with somebody else,

and now she writes me that I was the most important person from her past and she wants to know from time to time how I am.

 

She doesnt know that I had depression, and depression would definitely explain my indifferent attitude to her which was the reason why she said she was so hurted in the past, that I didnt care about her.

 

How can I explain to her nonchalantly that I was very sick (depression), in a way that will not scare her (she also has some diseases and problems, but nothing huge)?

 

Thank you

[CrapAtNC]

But crap how can I demonstrate how I've changed & demonstrate nonchalance when he doesn't txt or want to see me ? Do you think it's still early days & maybe after 6 months nc or something he might txt me ? I could just leave it alone and see what happens ? I don't know ;(

 

Well, I think three months should be long enough for you to be able to show how much you've worked on yourself since the break-up. Maybe call and say you'll be somewhere near him sometime soon (be specific, of course) and it would be great to catch up. Be prepared to keep it upbeat and brief. As long as you can be upbeat, why not?

[CrapAtNC]

I went to many different doctors and I discovered that I had severe depression for over the last years.

 

My exgirlrfriend didnt realize this, and our breakup was not a full breakup in the true sense, but we just didnt see eachother for almost 4 months, and probably she slept with somebody else,

and now she writes me that I was the most important person from her past and she wants to know from time to time how I am.

 

She doesnt know that I had depression, and depression would definitely explain my indifferent attitude to her which was the reason why she said she was so hurted in the past, that I didnt care about her.

 

How can I explain to her nonchalantly that I was very sick (depression), in a way that will not scare her (she also has some diseases and problems, but nothing huge)?

 

Thank you

 

Are you in touch with her now?

 

If you still suffer from depression, it will be hard to attain nonchalance. You need to get that treated before you do anything else.

 

Then, when you've got yourself to a better place, you can make contact. Bring it up at the right time, but don't make too much of it: "You probably didn't know because I kept it to myself, but I was suffering from depression back then. Hope I can tell you that without making you feel bad--I know I was pretty unhappy when I found out!

[KateUK]

She doesnt know that I had depression, and depression would definitely explain my indifferent attitude to her which was the reason why she said she was so hurted in the past, that I didnt care about her.

 

HI Mark,

I suffered with really severe depression for most of my life but have 'managed' it without medication for 7 years. I was very open with my ex when we were together and he helped me through LOTS of issues in the 6 yrs we were together, because he loved and accepted me.

I have only been functioning at 100% the last couple of years but I do still sink quite low occasionally and my ex did mention recently that he misses me when I am in a 'gloom cocoon' as I totally retreat into myself and act cold, indifferent and like he isn't even there. I did explain to him that it is a part of me and I know its hard for him to not take it personally, but we can work out how we can get through it together.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, if she cares for you, she will not be scared by it. And if she is, then you need to focus your attention on yourself until someone comes along and accepts you warts and all. Also, you need to own depression, and not let it own you so, when you do tell her, don't make it sound like an excuse for your relationship problems - the way you *handle* it is what causes problems not the disease itself. If you focus too much on being a victim of it, she will just feel like you are laying the guilt on. Just tell her you were going through some stuff and you didn't know how to handle it, but now you have gotten some help and are positive about everything moving forward.

 

If you can act like you don't care that you have depression, and that you won't let it affect you any more and will just take it in your stride, then THAT will become your truth. Good luck!

[KateUK]

Oh and just to add, unless she has been living uder a rock, she will probably have noticed you weren't quite right.... so may have already come to the conclusion that you were depressed.